all I end up doing is looking up at my ceiling and thinking how good life would be for everyone if I died. I'm not noticeable, I'm not someone people look at twice, I blend with the back. I'm only noticed in my home, because my parents notice every little thing I do wrong, and that makes me the worst person ever.
"You are twenty-one and still act like a child" "You always play victim" "There's only two adults in this house".
I wish I could be brave enough to cut, to bleed, to feel all the pain I deserve. I'm nothing more than a bother.
I feel lost and stupid, and I shouldn't feel like this, I'm an adult, what's wrong with me? why can't I just grow up and feel like a real adult? I'm such a failure and a loser, all I do is act smart but I feel so small and hurt.
Why can't a have a family that loves me and doesn't judge me and make me feel horrible about myself?
They always told me I lost my smile and good humor, who wouldn't when all you hear as a kid is how cringe and immature you are? how much of a bother you are to everyone? that you aren't funny or charismatic but just an awful weirdo.
If someday they find my body they will ask themselves why, why did she do it? You all know exactly why, you know how I've been treated, how when I was a kid and sick and vomited all over myself and was scared you threw me onto the ground and kicked me until you got tired. You didn't know how everytime I cried I prayed to God to please make it stop, I prayed that you would stop hitting me, that the pain would end. And you knew how to hit, you never made bruises in noticeable places, you knew how to abuse me. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't mean or cruel, I don't understand how you could look at a small child and punch it, slap it and kick it. I don't understand anything.
AND YOU ASK ME TO MOVE ON, YOU WANT ME TO FORGET? I CAN'T, I CAN'T, ITS THERE EVERYTIME, EVERYTME I SPIRAL INTO THAT DRILLED SELF HATRED
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
snowghoul
dailybridgerton
gracieabrams
romaincrisis
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
theartofmadeline
