Continuation of ptgreats's post rough draft constructive criticism welcome (it's my first shirt story so it's not very good and it's just an outline)
When I saw him time slowed to a stop. He was so perfect and I knew my life would never be the same because I had finally found him. The one. The first boy I would ever kill. He was sitting on the edge of the fountain, oblivious to me analyzing him. He turned around and threw a coin into the fountain to join the hundreds already there. The sunlight reflected off his body to make it look… magical. He looked down at his watch and got up. He began to walk down the sidewalk as I silently followed him through the bushes to the side. Suddenly the park ended. I stumbled out of the bushes disoriented. I forgot I was in New York City, funny how the park sometimes made me oblivious to all the buildings and noise. I looked up, it was almost dark. There was the boy, walking down an alley. Oh the poor thing, doesn’t he know better than to go into an alley where you never know who might be waiting? With a malicious smile I pulled out my knife and followed him into the alley. “Please, help me?” I say. He turned around surprised. “Of course, how may I help a beautiful girl like you?” He says with a smile, which quickly turned to a face of fear as he saw my knife. “Oh pay no attention to this.” I say, “it’s just for protection, you see I’m lost, I can’t seem to find my way home and this knife here my father gave to me so I would be able to defend myself.” This of course was a lie, I never had a father. “Oh, well I’d be happy to help you home then!” He says with a look of relief. I take a few steps closer to him. It’s so easy to trick boys, they will believe anything a beautiful girl will tell them, quite stupid if them. “Oh would you?” I say with fake gratitude. “Where do you live?” “Wherever you are is my home.” I purr as I pull him towards me and kiss him. He tries to pull away but then relaxes and leans into the kiss. I reach up my hand with the knife and caress his back. Then I pull my hand back and stab him right through the back so it pierces his heart. He falls down dead. “Gotcha.” I say with a satisfied smile as I kick his body away. I pull out my burner phone and punch in some numbers. “Mom, bring the dead dealers, I killed my first one.” “Oh honey I’m so proud of you!!!! I can’t wait to tell your maker!!!!!” “Thanks mom, and I’m sure maker will be so proud too.” I hang up. Of course maker will be proud, she’s proud of all her makelings. As are all the other makers. “Woah, is he dead?” I whip around to see a little girl of around 10 standing over my first kill. “Who are you?” I ask “Chandra, who are you?” “I’m Coora, daughter of Kellsen, makeling of Mayla.” I respond. “What are you doing here? Where are your parents?” I ask her. “I don’t have parents, I had a mom but she died, I never had a dad though.” My brain starts to put the pieces together. She’s 10, yes I’m sure she’s 10 I can tell by the shape of her chin (just one of the gifts all makelings have) she never had a father. “Come here.” I say, and she comes over. I take out my knife and put it in her hands, it glows only as it glows for me. “It’s just how Mayla said, she will come on your first kill with no fear in her eyes she will look at the body. She will be 10 years old and the knife will obey her as it does you, for she is destined to have it, for she is to become you apprentice.” “Who’s Mayla? What are you saying?” Chandra asks. There’s no mistaking it, this girl is a makeling.
“Welcome to your new home Chandra.” I say as I lead her into the makers head quarters. There Mayla and my mother are waiting, immediately I’m swamped with hugs. “Her first kill, only at 17 years old!!!” My mom keeps saying over and over, but I have more important things in mind. “Mayla, this is Chandra, she came just as you said.” I pull Chandra in front of me. “What does it mean Mayla, I’ve never heard of a killer who has an apprentice before.” Suddenly all the doors open and makelings and makers poor in alike, all the makelings look as confused as me. “Do you think it’s too soon Mayla?” Asks my mother. “No 17 is the appropriate age as long as they have an apprentice, as is tradition.” Mayla turns away from my mother and turns toward me. “Coora, as you know, I am getting older, I fear I can barley move now, I have no more marrow. As you know when a maker dies,” at this all her makelings, including me all have tears in our eyes, “a makeling of that maker has to take their place. However they must train a killer in their place, you will take my place as a maker.” Suddenly all 10 of the other makers are there. They stare sadly as Mayla addresses the crowd. “My makelings come forward.” Mayla says as all my 300 half siblings come up and join me, we all grab hands. “Oh my poor makelings, I love you all dearly, but I fear I must go now.” At this she goes down the line of siblings, addressing each and sharing a few short words. She skips me until the end, where she kisses me on the forehead. “Good luck Coora, I love you.” She waves and suddenly is gone. There is a pile of ashes in her place. We all break down crying. As we each get an elaborate mini urn with a few of her ashes in them. All the other makelings and makers bow their heads in respect. After a little while everyone is cleared out of the room, as my siblings pass me I see jealous faces as well as respectful, fearful, awestruck, and friendliness all directed at me. One things for sure, the relationships between me and my half siblings will never be the same again. “Will someone please explain to me what is going on here and why there are only female people here?” Chandra addresses the now empty room, except for us two. “Come on Chandra, I’ll take you to your new room and tell you a little story.”
“What do you think?” I ask her as we sit in her new room. “Are the stylists good or what?” “How did they do all this based of my answers to their questions in 10 minutes?” She asks mesmerized. “Well, that’s part of my story, it will explain all this.” “Ok, start your story then Coora.” “Well once upon a time…” “Woah woah woah, I am not a little baby I don’t need all that once upon of time crap just tell it to me straight forward.” Chandra says, surprising me. “Well, there were these scientists…” I begin again, “and these scientists were all female, because you see they all couldn’t stand males. So they were trying to find a way to impregnate a women without the sperm of a man. One day one of the scientists found out the answer, by using the bone marrow of a women, they could impregnate another women, after a few tests they found out the result was only a female. Of course this was good news for them because they hated how girls lives always change when they meet a boy, so no boys no problem. However, the rest of the world didn’t agree with this, so the 10 scientists thought that if they did this, and they had their children do it, then eventually over a long period of time there would be no males left. These 10 scientists went on to be the very first makers, who donate their bone marrow to other women who want to have children but do not like men. Some of these women just don’t like men and don’t want a relationship, or are homosexual. Now, these scientists didn’t want these women to go out and tell the world for fear that they would be hated and persecuted, so they offered them a home in their block of buildings in New York City, eventually the organization got very big, with about 300-500 makelings (the resulting child) per maker. They decided to call the society maker incorporated, and we get our money by selling baby products such as bottles and blankets only for girls. However, there was a problem, more people were having boys, so males weren’t dying out fast enough. So, the killers were made. The killers are normally the children of five of the makers, Mayla, Coorina (my namesake), Larsha, Mika, and Dillee. The offspring of the other makers went on to be other jobs such as stylists, company workers for maker incorporated, dead dealers (who cover up the killed and dispose of any evidence of who did it) and others. These are the offspring of Kepler, Billar, Cochie, Muchu, and Lilliar. Unless a child of the killers wants to be something else and vise versa. I will be taking Mayla’s place.” When I was done with my story Chandra looked thoughtful. “So why am I here?” She asks. “Because I’m taking Mayla’s place, so you will be taking my place as a killer.” Chandra simply smiled at this. “I never liked boys, but who do I kill?” She asked. “Simple, the ones your attracted to.” I say with a smile. “Well I already have one in mind.”
A year later, Chandra is finally ready. We left in the morning and it was dark by the time me and Chandra got to the male’s house. “There he is!!!” She hissed in my ear as she points out the boy through the window. I put my finger to my mouth in response. “Lesson 1: always have a good hiding place.” I say and I quickly run away from the window and into the nearest tree as fast as a squirrel. Chandra follows me almost as fast and easily. Good, I won’t have to put her through training sessions with the trainers. “Now what?” She asks. “We wait.” I respond. After a few hours Chandra almost fell asleep. “Hey!! Stay awake!!!” I say as I flick her in the back of the head. “How much longer?” She asks impatiently. “Until we have a chance. Now remember how I tough you to stab them so it always hits the heart or a vital organ?” I ask. “Yeah, yeah.” She responds and goes through all the motions. I can’t help thinking how it’s not fair. All my siblings had their first kills when they were Chandra’s age. Now that I think back, I always remember being out with my siblings (of course we had to be chaperoned) and whenever I pointed out a boy, the adult would whisper to my sibling and they would slip off. I never saw the boys later!!!! Was I kept from having my first kill? No, not possible. But what about that riddle Mayla gave me? Oh what was it!!! It went something like this. “When the blade pierces the heart and the steel tastes blood, the higher one will fall and be no more.” Oh. Didn’t Mayla say it was tradition to wait until I’m 17? I almost fell out of the tree from this realization. I was kept from my kills, for so many years I was lied to. “Coora are you okay? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.” “Yeah I’m fine, just a little… cold.” At Chandra’s look of concern I realized how childish I was being. I needed to focus on the task at hand. They did it for good reason and I need to respect that. “Look!!!! There he is!!!!!” Chandra whispers as the boy walks out the front door with a garbage bag in tow. “Ready? Remember, use my kissing technique or come up with your own. Just don’t let him scream.” I say and watch her slip out of the tree as quiet as a mouse. My heart swells with pride as she silently stalks the boy to the edge of the long driveway. How lucky he gets to live in a park. I wish I could. “Hello?” Chandra says in a week voice. “Who’s there?” The boy asks as he squints into the darkness. “Have you seen my brother? I can’t find him anywhere!!!!!” Chandra cries. “Is he lost? What does he look like?” The boy asks with concern. “Well he has dark skin, like me, and black hair and his eyes are hazel.” She says, ironically describing the boy before her. Then she throws herself against him. “Oh what if I never find him!!!!” She wails into his shoulder. “Hey it’s ok why don’t we go inside and we can call the police?” The boy asks as he embraces her in an effort to console her. “The police? Well they will need to be called anyway… to find you.” She says as she stick a the knife I gave her through his chest into his heart. As the light died out of his eyes, you could see the fear in them, the fear of Chandra. “Gotcha.” She says, using my would have been catch fraise. I jump down from the tree and run to Chandra. “Good job!!!! I’m so proud!!!!” “Ben? Benedict Johnson where are you?” A voice calls from the house. “Coming mom.” Chandra says I the boys voice. Another gift of the makelings. After we hear the door shut, we pull out a burner phone and call the dead dealers. “Maybe I can get my mom to make us chocolates!!! She’s the best chocolater!!!!!” I tell Chandra excitedly. “She’s the only one.” Chandra points out laughing. We both laugh and start to head home arm in arm. However, her first kill might seem like a dismissive right of passage, it means so much more. Chandra will no longer need me and I will begin my training as a maker. We both feel this weighing down on us as we walk back hand in hand. “Are we gonna stay in touch?” Chandra asks with tears in her eyes. “Of course, we’ll be like sisters.” I replied. “But… What if we don’t.” She said. “Then we will always remember each other.” “But what if we forget.” “We won’t,” I said “I will never forget you for my first makeling will be named Chandra”