Healing isn't Pretty

I have PTSD and I write poetry about it, but not always.

[ptsdandpoetry]

we lay together

clutching each other

as tears stain our clothing,

and even though the world is crumbling around us

i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

the safest ive ever felt is here:

in your arms.

[ptsdandpoetry]

its 4:04 am

and sleep cannot be found

the sun has yet to rise

but the sky is tinged green in preparation

its quiet

but soon the world will wake

and with it the cycle continues

maybe someday i will be able to sleep soundly

instead of seeking company in the stars

they ask nothing of me

nor i of them

unseeing

unhearing

unfeeling

and yet its some of the best company i keep

[ptsdandpoetry]

when i lay in bed

the hours ticking by

as sleep evades me

for the millionth time

i cant help but think of you

what could have been

what never was

but mostly

how it was never going to be

because your nature

made it impossible

to love someone like me

[ptsdandpoetry]

i can only hope

when i am gone

that i have made just one person smile

and if i have

then it all will have been worth it

[ptsdandpoetry]

sometimes i lay awake at night.

watch the shadows move along the walls

as the moon makes her way across the sky

before she dips below the horizon

and the sun takes over.

i yearn for sleep,

but his embrace i rarely feel,

for instead i am held by insomnia.

their shaking hands hold me too tightly,

so that i cant escape them.

but its only a matter of time

until exhaustion takes me from their grasp

and brings me to sleeps doorstep.

where he will wrap me in a blanket

and hold me just right.

he tells me that no matter how short

or infrequent

our time together is,

he will always treasure it.

and so will i

[ptsdandpoetry]

the people who were supposed to take care of me,

didnt.

and now im stuck like this,

my body and mind irreparably damaged.

i will die having never known

who i was supposed to be.

[ptsdandpoetry]

throughout the years

all the pain and suffering ive endured

theres only one common denominator

me

so maybe it was my fault

maybe i deserved it

[ptsdandpoetry]

you have carefully crafted

what you see

as a perfect version of me

in your mind.

i watch from the sidelines,

as you puppet it around

to do as you wish

say what you want to hear

and look exactly as you desire it,

and i wonder when you will realize

that you have lost the real thing.

[ptsdandpoetry]

i loved you,

i truly did.

and you

burned

my heart

at the stake.

[ptsdandpoetry]

i remember so little of my life

memories lost to time

gone all because of you

you didnt have to hurt me

you didnt have to make me forget

i was just a kid

i could have had a good childhood

but you had other plans.

[ptsdandpoetry]

havent i given enough?

havent i done enough?

i gave you all that i am

i destroyed myself for you

i made myself miserable for your benefit

havent i lost enough?

havent hurt enough?

i was a fool to believe that you cared

i was a fool to believe that you loved me

[ptsdandpoetry]

endless nights of lying awake

hopelessly trying to forget.

sleep escapes me,

but i cannot escape the nightmares it brings.

[ptsdandpoetry]

i feel lost

trudging this path alone

usually people have guardians to show them the way

but i do not

i grew up too fast

and now i am stuck in time

my body has aged

but my mind has stagnated

i feel like im still a kid

but im supposed to be all grown up

how am i supposed to be grown up when i was never allowed to be a kid in the first place?

[ptsdandpoetry]

i am growing into myself

gaining self confidence

doing what's best for me.

you see this as a threat

and lash out

desperately trying to get control back.

you hate that i no longer solely rely on you.

and in a panic try to tear me down to your level

so you may use me as a step stool

and be seen as better.

i refuse to be used anymore.

you will fail

and i will rise above

and touch the clouds

and rest among the stars.

[ptsdandpoetry]

i hope your few remaining friends

give up on trying to make you see the error of your ways.

we all know you never will.

you never cared enough about me to even bother trying.

[ptsdandpoetry]

ill never be enough for you

but i know who i am

and thats enough for me

[ptsdandpoetry]

when will you love me unconditionally like you promised me?

i have a feeling you never will.

you just want me to fit your idea of who i should be.

its obvious you dont love who i actually am.

youll only love me if i am your perfect servant.

and i serve no one.

i dont need you to love me

i dont even need you to like me