I've been processing grief, loss, heartbreak, and betrayal lately between past relationships, friendships, and parental trauma. I feel so raw right now, and honestly, this is the only platform where I can freely express this without my personal life finding this.
Dear Ex: You're a bastard. I gave you all the love I had, all my patience, all my tears. You stole a lot from me, you robbed me of my peace and my dreams. I never understood why my memories have betrayed me, why I can't seem to remember the most important things to me. Until I understood what Dissociative amnesia is, the constant stress, the suffocating and constant state of survival you held me so fucking deeply in. Has had its lasting effects on me and I fucking hate you for what you did to me. I will never forgive you. You will never hear those words, I will never get to express my bitterness to you. You robbed me of so much it doesn't surprise me that you took away my ability to have my chances of closure.
Parents: You were broken when you had me, both at such a young age, losing everything when you were babies yourselves. All while raising two children, you two struggled so much in private. The financial burden you two faced, I understand now, the struggle of trying to love each other all while growing to resent one another each day, month, and years that passed. I understand. I understand the bitterness, I don't blame you for struggling to be the "adults" to handle things the right way when you both lost so much so young and not having each other to rely on. Because for the longest time you could only rely on yourselves. I understand. But know I don't blame you, I can't bring myself to. Because I am you, I've seen the other side of that coin, and I'm sorry. I love you both so much. I just wish we were a stronger family and we could rely on each other.
My dearest love: Where do I begin. To the stars and back, you've blessed me with so much. You've held my broken childhood and young self in your arms and told her it'll be okay. You were the light when she was surrounded by her monsters. You are my new fear now. If I ever lose you, I'd crumble away into nothing. But even though I've grown to love again, I want to say I'm sorry. I want to ask for your forgiveness for not being able to love you like you were the first. I'm sorry my patience will be thin. I will never cry the same. When I break, it'll be a tidal wave. I've felt the pain of others. You'll never be the first. You'll get the colder parts of my heart that are boarded up and fighting to protect whatever pieces that are left and being held together. But know I will cherish you. I will love you with all I have because you deserve it.
To myself: Let go of what doesn't serve you. Let go of all of the hurt, break, but pick yourself up. You're doing your best. You've grown and matured so much. You are exactly who the child version of you needed. You are going to be okay.
To my future children: Please forgive me when I make mistakes, but know I will protect you, I will nourish you, and all of your dreams will come true. I will always be there for you, I will pick you up and support you when you can't stand on your own. I just hope you will never experience the pain and ugly of life the way I did. I hope the hard lessons take sympathy for you.
dededos
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