This week I want to talk about something that is quite a big part of BPD. The abandonment problems that we deal with.
“ A key symptom of BPD is fear of abandonment. This symptom may cause you to need frequent reassurance that abandonment is not imminent, to go to great lengths to try to avoid abandonment and to feel devastated when someone ends a relationship with you.”
“For people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), abandonment is something to be avoided at all costs. When a person with BPD feels abandoned, it can have a serious effect on their self-image and behavior, as well as their ability to maintain relationships. People with Borderline Personality Disorder often experience intense fears of abandonment, which can result in inappropriate anger even when faced with a realistic short-term separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans. They may believe that this “abandonment” is because they have done something wrong.These fears of abandonment are usually related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Because they desperately want to avoid being alone, people with BPD quickly latch onto new people and idealize them, making them the center of their lives. At the first sign they see as abandonment, these feelings will turn to hatred and distrust. If someone has to go out of town for work or decides to spend time with other friends, the person with Borderline Personality Disorder will become convinced that the other person no longer cares about them. Impulsive, self-destructive behavior is often a response to anxiety related to their fear of being left alone.”
For me, when I was going through the process of being diagnosed I didn’t think that this symptom was one that I had. However, after my sessions and speaking to my psychiatrist at the time she explained thoroughly all the notes she’d been taking and specifically summed up all the times when I’d mentioned about relationships of any kind and forms of abandonment throughout my adolescence that fully made sense and made me realise I do in fact have this symptom and it has been a problem for me for years.
Because this one, for me, is such a large topic it’s quite hard to fully explain my problems but I’ll do the best I can.
For a long time I suffered with feeling shut out, left out and worried about being the odd one out. I didn’t really think it was anything unusual. I was a teenager, at school and went through the same social crap everyone else did. It wasn’t until my best friend at the time, that had stuck with me through the months of hell I went through when I distanced myself from my social group I’d been part of for years because I didn’t agree with their behavior, decided to completely abandon me when she found out I was going through my first real spout of depression (aged 17). It broke me more than I could have imagined and it still upsets me to this day, 8 years later.
Throughout college and university I was never best friends with anyone because I knew I was the odd one out and wanted to be able to get along with everyone, and of course, not get too close in case I was left/abandoned. This meant I was never invited to anything or even if I was, due to other symptoms, always found an excuse not to go to things because I struggle massively in social situations, especially with people my own age.
During my time as a makeup artist, I made many friends but always kept distant so to avoid abandonment and also due to social anxiety. I feared going to any event I was invited to in case this happened and once again ended up feeling like I had to constantly make excuses for not wanting to participate.
There are other occasions of this happening in my life but it’s not something I wish to disclose yet. But the heartbreak of losing people is something I’ve experienced time and time again. Some times it was because the relationship had to end for other reasons.
I have also done as described further up in this post, latching on to someone I barely know WAY too quickly and being burned for doing so. It sucks and I’ve ended up seeing people’s true colours after I’ve already committed. I’m getting better at doing this and trying to push this behaviour out as I’ve seen how damaging it can be. Becoming obsessed with someone and their whole aesthetic/talent/ideas without getting to know other things about them is okay for a short time but can and more often than not ends up biting you on the arse in the long run. I’m going to leave it there with my experiences as I really can’t discuss it at the moment in time as it’s still such a sore subject. However, I’ve found something I wish I’d read years ago that might be of use -
Tips for overcoming the fear of abandonment :
1 - Accept your emotions as your responsibility. Recovering from a fear of abandonment requires finding healthy ways to cope with your anxieties. The first step towards finding healthy coping mechanisms is to take responsibility for the way you feel. Even though your emotions might be triggered by other people’s actions, realize that the way you respond to them is up to you. For example, if someone insults you and it makes you mad, you have to recognize that, even if the remark was degrading or humiliating, you have a choice about how to react. You can get angry, cry, or storm off. Or, you can search inside yourself and remember that your well-being is not dependent on the opinions of others, then smile and walk away.
2 - Identify your fear. Think about why the idea of being abandoned is so frightening to you. Which particular scenario are you afraid of? If you were abandoned today, what specific emotion would that generate in you? What kind of thoughts would go through your mind? Getting specific about your fear can help you find ways to combat it. For example, you might fear that if your partner left you, you would feel unlovable and would never be able to find another relationship.
3 - Stop generalizing. If your fear of abandonment comes from an experience you had in childhood, you may be unconsciously assuming that scenario will play out again. Consider themes from your childhood that may be affecting you today. For instance, if you were abandoned by your mother or another female caretaker, you might feel like you can’t trust any women to remain in your life. Remind yourself that this is not a rational assumption to make, and that all people behave differently.
4 - Practice fact checking. When your anxieties are running high, fact checking is a useful strategy for regaining control of them. Take a moment to distance yourself from your emotions and question whether your thoughts make objective sense. Consider whether there is a simpler and more straightforward explanation for what’s going on. For instance, if your partner hasn’t texted you back in half an hour, your first reaction might be to think, “He’s getting tired of me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” When this happens, ask yourself if that’s really the scenario that makes the most sense. It may be more likely that he’s busy talking to someone else or forgot to turn his phone’s ringer on after a meeting.
5 - Adopt a mindful approach. Mindfulness teaches you to focus on what’s going on in the present instead of what might happen in the future. Pay attention to what you’re feeling in the moment and, instead of immediately acting on it or judging yourself for it, ask yourself why you’re feeling that way. This can help you understand your emotions better and know which ones to pay attention to and which ones to let go. Meditation is a good way to get into the habit of mindfulness. Even as little as five or ten minutes of meditation a day can be helpful in becoming more mindful or your thoughts and emotions.Try downloading an app on your phone or watching a guided meditation video on YouTube to get started.
6 - Identify any behaviors that push others away. If you’re afraid of being abandoned, you might frequently act from a place of insecurity. Calling and texting someone multiple times a day, asking someone to spend all their free time with you, and accusing others of planning to leave you are a few examples of insecure behavior. Unfortunately, acting like this can have the unintended consequence of scaring friends and partners away. If these behaviors sound like you, work on finding alternative ways to manage your anxiety. Practicing mindfulness can help you stop pushing others away. With a mindful perspective, you can examine your motives and choose to avoid impulsive, needy behavior. When you feel insecure, instead of acting on the emotion, try writing in a journal about why you feel that way. Another good option is to take a walk and think through your feelings.
7 - Question the types of relationships you seek. Many people who are afraid of being abandoned habitually seek out relationships with emotionally unavailable people. If you have a history of abandonment, you may unconsciously select partners who will act in the same way as your parents or previous partners. Consider whether seeking out more emotionally available partners would help you break the cycle of anxiety and abandonment. If you notice unhealthy patterns in your relationships, it may be helpful to see a therapist. A mental health professional can help you identify the source of these unhealthy patterns and teach you to develop skills that move you towards healthier, balanced relationships.
8 - Build a network of friends. If you’re afraid of abandonment, you might have the tendency to focus intensely on one relationship to the exclusion of others. Forming a strong network of friends can help you stop focusing on just one person and provide you a sense of security. If one person decides to leave or is unavailable, you will still have other friends to fall back on. Cultivating friendships can also help you practice maintaining healthy relationships. Build a strong support system by opening yourself up to the opportunity to find and make friends. Join a new club at school. Take a cooking class. Visit your local park more often. Or, start a volunteer service commitment to connect with people with the same interests as you.
Now don’t get me wrong, this list is definitely one that has multiple examples of ‘easier said than done’ but it’s worth trying a few if you’re really struggling with this issue.
I’m no expert on helping myself with this issue and building a network of friends sounds truly horrific if you ask me but everyone is different and one thing that works for me may not work for you.
Until next week,
Joanna xo
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