Self-Love And Sandwiches

Declarations of self love and room for me to rant. More of a personal blog in which I send my thoughts into the void.These are my not-so-deep-Deep thoughts and feelings and probably selfies, lots of selfies.

[seravph]

girls learn to watch themselves in third person so they can constantly fix their laugh and smile and hair and dancing and speech in hopes they can transform into a different person that someone will love and girls fear that if anyone sees them in their most candid self then they will be deemed unlovable and I’m so exhausted from practicing my smile in the mirror but girls also know that the ability to be loved is synonymous with their worth

[llleighsmith]

if you’re in you’re early-mid twenties and they fucking suck, i promise they fucking suck for most people because it’s the time when you are really figuring out who you want to be how you fit into the world who you should surround yourself and it’s mostly misfires and painful learning experiences and reckoning with your childhood and learning to heal your deep wounds, it’s a very very painful transformation process and it doesn’t really end as you get older, you keep growing and learning, but you learn more and more the tools you need and you can equip yourself with them in times of hardship and find the spaces where you belong that can hold you

[black-quadrant]

surround yourself with people who

praise you because they mean it

don’t want anything but your company

do their best to understand you

you feel like you can confront if you need to

(know they can confront you lovingly in turn)

make you feel comfortable

stick with you through good and bad times

are positive influences on your everyday life

[destasteful]

i just feel things deeply & it tires me

[purpletuesday]

August 2nd 2020

Thank you so much, I’m just so emotional these past few days and all I want is to be left alone. I’m not allowed to be difficult or moody and that’s all I feel rn. I just got confronted again this morning....like fuck. Outta no wear...for being not happy? Not great full enough...?

I’m trying to not be a bitch and it’s like everything’s fucking personal. My mom starts off with...maybe you should just move back to California and not be around us anymore cuz it just seems like your so unhappy your here and that’s just probably what you want. Like damn bitch, COME FOR ME HARDERRRR

can’t a hoe just have a hardtime in peace? LIKE FUCKA ME. I wanna figure my own shit out and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fuckin said thatttt. They want me to talk to them so badly and I don’t want too. SO SHES LIKE THERAPY? And I was like yeah sure, I don’t think online therapy will be the best but it’s on my list of todo’s

IVE ONLY BEEN HERE 2 WEEKS....like fuck give me more space. Her: We can see your not happy so how do we make you happy? Fuck, idk like leave me alone maybe? Why do I have to be a fucking ray all the time? Of course I’m not happy, I’m not settled here yet...then she goes: don’t worry so much, just stop. MMMMM REVOLUTIONARY, NEVER CONSIDERED THAT ONE 🙌👏👏👏🙌 then thEN THENNN: do you feel better now? That you have a plan? Bitch.....really? You mean I feel better for calling you out and making you feel bad. Cuz....your different...you were never like this when you were younger....IS THIS STILL ABOUT EMILYYYYYY? I couldn’t breathe. REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Rrrrrreallly reallyyyyyyy?

Goodmorning, I love and miss you. Here are my emotions and this coolade boy who embodies the joke that is my life 👉👌😂😂✨

Ooohhh you wanna know what’s provoked thissss? I SAID I DIDNT WANNA SHOWER TODAY AND THAT ID SHOWER TOMORROW WHEN WE GOT HOME. AND SHE WENT OOOOOOOOOH OKKKKKKK WELL LETS JUSY PACK UP ANF GOOOO HOMEEEEE THENNNN. And I was like: um we’ll be home tomorrow....so like I’ve only not washed my hair in 2 days. I wanna use my hair care products. I didn’t bring them cuz it woulda been too much stuff....then rolled into how I’m so unhappy to be here. Mmmm cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool

Cue the fighting back of tears and the mental version of myself holding me going: ur big n strong, don’t cry. Ur a big bad bitch who’s ok. Ur ok, pick a name any name. Repeat it in ur head till u feel like ur not just gonna cry profusely. *pats back in brain* ur just a big ol sad bitch who wants to get high and dance and stretch aloneeee.

[purpletuesday]

Friday July 31st, 2020

Thank you, it’s been rough. Idk why really other than being here is hard and I don’t wanna be. But I’m also trying to not fight it but my heart hurts and I’m on the verge of tears all the time.....odd sad shit. Then in a burst of manic want to create something I googled how to use a Manuel sewing machine and cut up shit to sew that skirt together.

Cuz I can’t seem to paint or be properly alone.

All I wanted was to not go camping this weekend and now we’re up in flagstaff and I didn’t take my meds till 2 and had to get up a 6 to sit in the call with all our dogs and drive up here. FUCK, everyone wants to ask me what’s wrong and I’m just being pissy and irritable cuz I don’t wanna be here. But also don’t feel like I can say no. All my mom wants to do is spend money so that I’ll spend time with her and I hate that that’s how our relationship functions. I’m always tired and she fuckin hates when I say I’m tired EVEN THO I AM FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME.

I’m sorry I’m not active in the looms cuz I’ve been of such bad negative energy lately and haven’t wanted to project sadness into the space. I’ve also received over 15 no’s from people and I know it’s my last spark needed to transit the space.

[purpletuesday]

So last night I was able to have such a good and much over due talk with someone who is quickly becoming my best friend. I cried and talked about myself in a way that I normally reserve only for me. I filter feed my thoughts to myself and never really get to talk it out with anyone or have really ever felt comfortable talking to anyone. It felt really good and I wish (and maybe this is a turning point for myself...) that I could be more that way and allow others to help me or not feel so burdensome to others. I’m definitely growing more into myself and become more ‘Fire-y”. It felt really good to receive love and conformation form someone else for once rather than feeling like i had to hide it or make sure I was giving all my love and validation to another. 

[lovelysuggestions]

Destroy the idea that it’s humble to hate yourself. Destroy the idea that loving yourself is conceited.

[softest-archive-deactivated2023]

I’m ok. I’m gonna be ok. I’m gonna live a beautiful life and I’ll get to know beautiful people. I will create things of beauty and be surrounded by flowers. And I’ll love myself, and I’ll be soft, I’ll be kind. And I’ll be ok.

[coffeecutsandcigarettes]

one of the most toxic things i’ve ever done is ignore the bad in someone because i love them

[regular-love]

[purpletuesday]

I miss my boy. Holding him always makes me feel better.

[purpletuesday]

It's times like this where I need a good ol' fashioned cry. Times like this also make me want a significant other to hold me real tight. I don't want to be lectured or given options. Just held and listened too. But then again I'd be asking to much so instead I take care of myself in a way only I know how.

[purpletuesday]

It's crazy to me that something that is almost required in our society such as getting education can give you so much anxiety. It leaves me feeling like the world is crushing me under its weight but also pickpocketing me for all I'm worth.

[purpletuesday]

LA Adventures

[purpletuesday]

Overthinking is like a black void that my entire self is consumed in. It makes me feel heavy and sad. Gives me breakouts and makes my brain foggy.

[geekdawson]

Kindness is often mistaken for softness and let me tell you, friends….that is a mistake you don’t want to make. 

Kind people are not born that way, they do not stumble into it, kind people are forged in fire and darkness and imploding stars…they have steel cores. Throw a punch and you’re going to break your hand.