pursuer

pursuing prayer + peace

[pursuerlife]

—new art— for the new book “Fragile & Flourishing” by @skcnwatts 🔹it was such an honor to be a part of the book release giveaway for @skcnwatts 🥳 🔹This was my first collaboration as an artist, so that was super exciting for me!! ☺️ 🔹This digital print was inspired by the key poem in “Fragile & Flourishing” 🎨 🔹The way Sana’ talks about mental health is full of truth + authenticity 👏🏻 🔹I’m excited to read her full book! 😊 🔹I hope you enjoy this art + I hope you’ll read + enjoy “Fragile & Flourishing” 🤍 P.S. —Congrats to the giveaway winner! 🎉 #digitalart #collaboration #artcollab #instacollab #fragileandflourishing #sanakcnwatts #procreateart #procreateartist #digitalartist #creative #freelanceartist #freelanceart #mentalhealth #poetry #poet #faith #faithoverfear #anxiety #anxietyawareness #artinspiration #movingart #inspiringart #artist #procreate #procreatedrawing #pursuerlife #newart #newartwork #aspiringartist #floralart (at Tropical Paradise Village) https://www.instagram.com/p/CZBCDdqF6Bu/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pursuerlife]

—New Post— My 2022 Theme + Vision Board 🔹Wow, it’s been a long time!! 😩 🔹I have been sick 3 times in the past month, with 1 of the times being COVID, but it’s my last day of quarantine + I’m finally well again, praise God! 🙏🏻 🔹I finally had the chance to decide my theme for this year + create my vision board to go with it 👏🏻 🔹This year’s theme: “Clean” 🤍 🔹Check out my new post on the blog to read more about my theme + see how I created my vision board 👌🏻 🔹Do you have a theme for 2022? I’d love to hear it in the comments below! 👇🏻 🔸link in bio🔸 • • • #pursuer #pursuerblog #peace #lifestyleblog #pursuingpeace #mentalhealth #newyear #2022 #happynewyear #growth #mentalhealthawareness #clean #cleanaesthetic #2022theme #visionboard #moodboard #cleanliving #2022goals #inspo #artsy #creative #healthyliving #healthylifestyle #healthylife #cleanlifestyle #cleanproducts #toxinfreeliving #toxinfreehome #notoxins #nomakeup (at Tropical Paradise Village) https://www.instagram.com/pursuerlife/p/CY1CuokFiwo/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pursuerlife]

—New Lettering— Psalm 57:4a ”My soul is in the midst of lions” 🔹Psalm 57 is entitled, “Let Your Glory Be Over All The Earth” + is identified as a Miktam (probably a musical or liturgical term) of David 🙏🏻 🔹This psalm was written when David fled from Saul in the cave 📝 🔹This psalm resonated with me, as this past month has been full of sickness, depression, + stress 😭 🔹I’m sure many of us have felt like our souls are in the midst of lions, just like David, but we also must remember that God is the one keeping our souls ⚔️ 🔹May your soul take refuge in God when you feel you are in the midst of lions ✨ 🔹Send this to a friend who needs to hear this today 🤍 📚 ESV Bible + The Moody Bible Commentary #procreateart #procreateartist #dailydevotional #psalms #faithblogger #handlettering #bibleart #depression #mentalhealth #healing #covid #artofig #artistsofinstagram #digitalart #digitalartists #dailybible (at Tropical Paradise Village) https://www.instagram.com/p/CY084BQFg1i/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pursuerlife]

—New Lettering— Psalm 29:8a “The voice of the Lord shakes the wilderness” 🔹Psalm 29 is entitled, “Ascribe to the Lord Glory” + is identified as a Psalm of David 🙏🏻 🔹this psalm is really incredible—the language David uses is so rich + beautiful 🤍 🔹ascribe to the Lord glory means give praise to God 🙌🏻 🔹when I read verse 8, I picture myself in a dense forest completely surrounded by trees. Then I hear this voice like nothing I’ve ever heard before that just rattles the branches of every single tree + leaves me in complete awe 🌲 🔹this Psalm was a great reminder of God’s power over creation💡 🔹may you be reminded of God’s power as you go throughout your day today ✨ 📚 ESV Bible + The Moody Bible Commentary (at Las Piñas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUYTq9jBUnY/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pursuerlife]

—New Lettering— Psalm 28:7a “The Lord is my strength and my shield” 🔹Psalm 28 is entitled, “The Lord is My Strength and My Shield” + is identified as a Psalm of David 🙏🏻 🔹reading this psalm this morning is so perfect because yesterday I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts @ologies + there was an episode called Fearology ✔️ 🔹as humans, fear plays such a huge role in our everyday lives + we often forget that God is our strength + our shield ⚔️ 🔹we don’t have to be afraid because God’s strength knows no bounds💡 🔹may you seek comfort in the fact that God is your shield today ✨ 📚 ESV Bible + The Moody Bible Commentary (at Las Piñas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUVxeNJBUH7/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pursuerlife]

—new playlist— Psalms 🔹today is day 26 of reading 1 Psalm a day 📖 🔹while reading, I realized how many psalms are actually songs, so I was inspired to make a playlist for you all 🤍 🔹hold up ✋🏻pursuer has a Spotify account?? yes we do, my friend! all playlists curated by me hehe 🙃 🔹it’s been a while since I’ve made a new playlist for pursuer + it made me remember how much I love listening to new music + curating the perfect playlist 🎶 🔹my ADHD brain spent most of the day hyper-focusing on this hehe 🧠 🔹 I hope you enjoy worshipping + meditating through the Psalms with me 🙏🏻 🔹check out Spotify links below to check out this playlist + many others! ⬇️ 🔸Psalms playlist 🔗 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6C7C53LG5y0viY1R3fuSEx?si=GPf8bS5qTJG-VNQnhFDEDA&dl_branch=1 🔸pursuer Spotify 🔗 https://open.spotify.com/user/eqx9ixc09ljsmcniuba1k3n0w?si=hBZV2KxdTZKbay3aK-9eqQ&dl_branch=1 (at Las Piñas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUR-nmZlbIf/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pursuerlife]

The Crippling Fear of Having Another Panic Attack

After I had my first panic attack, I was afraid to drive by myself (or just to be by myself in general) and to be around people other than my family.

Then, I had my second panic attack while out with both my friends and family together, so now I have this thought in my head: The last time I hung out with friends I had a panic attack. How do I know if the next time I hang out with them it will be any different?

My thought after my first panic attack (along with many other things) was, "Okay, this is really bad."

After my next one I thought, "Okay, so this is a thing now."

If it can happen twice, it can definitely happen any time, or at least that's what my mind tells me.

Having one panic attack is bad enough because it feels like you're dying, but the fear of having another one brings a whole new level of anxiety to life. Suddenly you feel like you can't do certain things--you start avoiding situations that remind you of having panic attacks or that you feel have the potential to bring on another one.

Since I had my most recent panic attack around friends, I haven't been around them. I've barely even talked to my friends, but I did make the step of calling a couple of my friends this past week, which although was a nerve-wracking and emotionally draining step for my current state of mind, was also really, really good and needed. I love them so much.

Today I'm making a little road trip journey to see my friends who live in the Des Moines area. I swear, I made this decision and my anxiety was like, "What the heck are you thinking, pal?! Driving (my panic attacks have been in cars for some reason) about 5 hours round-trip to stay with your friends, in another person's house, when the last time you hung out with anyone just for dinner you freaked out??"

Ugh, I despise my anxiety. She argues so well.

I spoke to my therapist about this fear of mine. He said, "Well of course you have this fear, because you fell like you're dying when it happens! You need to learn to breathe."

You mean the solution to avoiding this near-death-like experience is to do something I already do 24/7?

According to my therapist, he learned from a woman who taught him in professional trauma-care, that if people practice breathing deeply to the point where it becomes a habit, simply breathing deeply can stop a panic attack in its tracks--even mid-attack.

If you are one of those people who have been able to get yourself out of a panic attack through breathing, I commend you and you deserve a meddle, because that takes pure strength and discipline of the mind that I at this point feel I'm only dreaming about.

In conclusion, even though I have social anxiety up the wazoo and I haven't mastered breathing yet, I am making the choice to go see my friends this weekend for two reasons:

I don't know how much longer I will be in the country before I can go back to my home in the Philippines

I need to prove to myself I can do this--I need a win

So, if you see an old gold Chevy Impala on the highway with a girl doing breathing exercises today and looking ridiculous doing so, that'd be me.

Peace,

Mal

https://www.pursuerlife.com/post/the-crippling-fear-of-having-another-panic-attack

[pursuerlife]

10 Mental Health Roller Ball Blends

In the past, I had used essential oils in my diffuser because they made my house smell good. Now, ever since I began this mental health journey and pursuit of peace, I have been using oils in a topical way. I had no idea how useful essential oils could be for mental health; aromatherapy is a real thing.

I first started out with using pre-made roller ball blends (my sister bought me Stress Away and Anxiety from Revive) but then I realized how beneficial it could be for me if I learned how to make my own blends. Plus, making things yourself just bring a whole new level of satisfaction.

My first step to make my own blends was to buy my own roller balls. I searched Etsy (they have tons of beautiful options) and found these gorgeous 10 ml gemstone roller balls from the shop Bottle Your Own Blend. They are high quality and so pretty. Each is filled with its own color of gemstones, so each bottle is unique and different. Now I will be able to easily take my oils with me wherever I go.

Next, I sought to find the oils that would best help me with my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I searched the internet for essential oils blogs, articles, and books. I came across the book, "The Complete Book of Essential Oils and Aromatherapy" by Valerie Ann Wormwood. I began reading it this past weekend when my family and took a short staycation at a resort in our hometown. I took a relaxing Dr. Teal's foaming bubble bath and quickly learned that this book was going to be an inexhaustible resource--the encyclopedia of essential oils. There is information on pretty much any use for essential oils you could imagine--skin care, pain relief, hair care, mental health, etc. The book is full of useful charts on essential oils and their uses. I ended up buying my own paper copy because flipping through in search of specific oils information is going to be so much easier when I can physically turn the pages.

After my research, I compiled a list of essential oils useful for mental health, based on the oils I have (and I now have a whole list of new oils I want to add to my collection!):

- Grapefruit (anxiety/panic attacks)

- Bergamot (depression/anxiety)

- Vanilla (depression)

- Orange (depression/anxiety/ panic attacks)

- Lemon (anxiety/panic attacks)

- Lemongrass (anxiety/depression)

- Lavender (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

- Eucalyptus (anxiety/panic attacks)

- Peppermint (panic attacks/anxiety)

- Rosemary (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

- Frankincense (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

- Jasmine (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

- Myrhh (anxiety)

- Ylang Ylang (depression/anxiety/panic attacks)

- Chamomile (anxiety)

- Sandalwood (anxiety/panic attacks)

- Rose (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

- Geranium (anxiety)

- Patchouli (anxiety)

...and there are many more!

I then paired the oils together to create blends that not only are effective for mental health, but also smell amazing. Each roller bottle blend contains 10 drops of essential oils (if two oils are listed, use 5 drops per oil) and then is topped off with a carrier oil (I used avocado). Once the bottle has been filled, put the roller ball top back on and roll the bottle between your hands to make sure the oils all blend together.

#1 - Grapefruit (anxiety/panic attacks) + Bergamot (depression/anxiety)

#2 - Vanilla (depression) + Orange (depression/anxiety/ panic attacks)

#3 - Lemon (anxiety/panic attacks) + Lemongrass (anxiety/depression)

#4 - Lavender (panic attacks/anxiety/depression) + Eucalyptus (anxiety/panic attacks)

#5 - Peppermint (panic attacks/anxiety) + Rosemary (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

#6 - Frankincense (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

#7 - Jasmine (panic attacks/anxiety/depression) + Myrhh (anxiety)

#8 - Ylang Ylang (depression/anxiety/panic attacks) + Chamomile (anxiety)

#9 - Sandalwood (anxiety/panic attacks) + Rose (panic attacks/anxiety/depression)

#10 Geranium (anxiety) + Patchouli (anxiety)

Now that I have these 10 mental health blends, I will get to try them all out in my daily life and experiment to see which blends I think are the most effective for my mental health needs. I'll then be able to know which blends I will be needing to make again in the future.

This is just my first step on my journey to learn more and more about essential oils and how their many uses can benefit us in many areas of life. I haven't even begun to fully tap into or grasp all of their uses, but I'm excited to be sharing more with you as I go!

Are there any essential oil tips and tricks you would like to share? Do you have a go-to oil or blend? Leave a comment below or send me a message!

Peace,

Mal

https://www.pursuerlife.com/post/10-mental-health-roller-ball-blends

[pursuerlife]

The 5 Steps I Took To Pursue Help for My Mental Health

This post is for people who know they need to get professional help but have no idea where to start--this is exactly the kind of post I would have appreciated when I first started my healing journey. So, for my past self, and for those of you who are seeking help, I'm writing the 5 steps I took (and am currently still taking) in pursuit of healing peace in all areas of my life.

Step #1--Talking to My Parents

This step was by far the hardest part for me, because it was the first one, yes, but also because having this conversation with my parents (who I'm currently living with due to COVID) would make the terror of everything going on in my mind, real. I would be actually acknowledging that I have a problem, which goes against my tendency of avoiding all conflict in my life. And let's not forget how PAINFUL it can be to talk about your feelings. I was scared of the pain I would cause myself, and my parents as well. I honestly didn't know if I could take it.

There were actually a few little steps that even brought me to tell my parents in the first place: I called a friend, talked to my sister, and talked to my boyfriend. They all assured me that my parents would understand and would want to do what's best for me to get help. Deep down inside I knew all of these things, but mental illness can cover up the things you know to be true and fill you with lies.

My anxiety and fear over this conversation that I knew needed to happen were so bad that I couldn't even tell my parents I wanted to talk to them in person--I just sent them a text message asking to talk to them about my mental health the following night.

As the conversation with my parents grew nearer, I grew more and more anxious. I mentally went through the conversation in my head over and over and over again.

I then found myself sitting in front of my parents, feeling like I could throw up and preparing for the tears to fall as soon as I started talking.

We all ended up crying together and it was one of the best conversations I've ever had with them. They fully supported my want and need of seeking professional help, and like the loving, God-fearing parents they are, they sealed our time with a prayer for God's help in my healing process.

I will never forget that.

Step #2--Seeing My Family Doctor About Medication

The following day I drove by myself to the local clinic and talked to my family doctor about my anxiety and nightmares. This was a win for me for 2 reasons:

Ever since my panic attack, I was afraid to go anywhere by myself, in fear that I would have another and have no one there to help me through it.

Talking about my mental health is really difficult for me, and I did it in front of the doctor by myself without even shedding a tear.

My doctor probably spent about an hour with me. He listened, sympathized, analyzed, and enlightened me on ways I could heal. I left feeling seen, heard, and hopeful about the treatment plan I would be starting. He prescribed me medications for my anxiety and nightmares, and I am still on a medication treatment plan to this day.

Step #3--Calling Local Therapists Offices About Counseling Openings

My mom did some research in our area and began calling around to see if there were any openings for counseling sessions. I really appreciate my mom taking initiative to make these calls for me, as I was in no state of mind to be talking to strangers (hello, panic attack caused by social anxiety).

This leads me to one of the most ironic things about mental illness:

You might know you need help, but if you need help are you really in an ideal condition to be talking to strangers and reaching out and researching and investigating to find the best options for you? No! You are reaching out because you're not in a healthy mental state in the first place.

I'm so incredibly thankful that I have a healthy support system and my hope is that if you're reading this, you have people to support you on your mental health journey as well.

We found an opening in a counseling office in a nearby town and I began attending therapy sessions. After a few sessions, my therapist diagnosed me with adjustment disorder, anxiety, and depression, and I still continue to see him a few times a month.

Step #4--Researching!

I quickly realized that I really knew nothing about mental health. It was all very basic knowledge--knowledge that wouldn't be helpful enough if I wanted to recover.

So, I went to the internet of course, and wow I have learned so much in a short amount of time. I read medical journals, articles, you name it (with everything you research in life, make sure your sources are reputable of course).

One source that surprised me was Pinterest. I'm already a Pinterest addict, but when I began searching it for mental health, I was shocked with the amount of content out there. The great thing about Pinterest is that it can lead you to tons of mental health blogs where the writers tell you about their own personal struggles. In a way, I felt like I found my own little community (if you're curious, you can find my mental health board here).

Step #5--Changing My Daily Routines/Habits

I learned quickly that healing is a lifestyle. If I really wanted to get better, I had to change the daily happenings of my life, because living my old life was not conducive to healing the trauma that was going on in my mind.

This definitely is a work in progress, and to an extent always will be! Because finding ways to live life in the most beautiful ways possible is a life-long journey.

Here is a list of changes I implemented (and still continuing to implement) in my daily life:

- No sugar/processed foods/simple carbs (studies show they trigger anxiety/depression)(according to studies I should also give up my coffee addiction but I haven't been able to get myself to do that yet...)

- Creating this blog :)

- Meditating before bed

- Bedtime yoga

- Starting an anxiety journal

- Starting a dream journal with rewriting my nightmares

- Topical use of essential oils throughout the day

- Sprinkling lavender on my pillow at night

- No scary/violent TV shows, movies, or books

- Listening to soft worship music while I sleep

- Completely changing my prayer/devotional routine

- Daily hot bubble/bath salts baths after work

- Drinking a cup of chamomile tea before bed

- Using a self-care app to keep track of my new self-care goals

- Declaring my room a sacred place in the name of Jesus Christ to renounce any spiritual warfare before sleeping

I made this list of steps brief, knowing I would likely be expanding on many of the things I'm talking about here in future posts. I also want to be clear that I'm not saying the way I did things is the way you should go about your own journey. Everyone's stories and situations are different, but it might be helpful just to see how another person's healing process started out, right from square one.

Peace,

Mal

https://www.pursuerlife.com/post/the-process-i-went-through-to-pursue-help-for-my-mental-health

[pursuerlife]

A Shattering Panic

I saw the last light in my eyes go

out as tears blurred

my vision and my mind went

dark

I heard what I knew to be the shattering

of glass, as the now dark

and lifeless chandelier fell

from the ceiling of my mind

My soul used to dance

here, in the Great Hall, back

when every candle on the chandelier was lit

I used to come here to dance

with my daydreams, to visit

with my fond memories, to be

inspired by the prismatic colors

that hung in the air from the starry light hanging

from the center of the room

Over time, a dark wind entered,

and like the low hum of a whisper, it went

unnoticed, for I was too busy dancing

while it slowly blew out a candle

here and there, until darkness set in

My daydreams became

nightmares, my fond memories hidden

from my sight, and the colors blew

away with the wind until there was

just one candle left

I was too scared to dance

in the darkness, so I sat

in a corner and cried silently, a panic building

up as I waited for the day when the last

light would go out

I knew it would go

out

When it finally happened,

it was a deafening chaos like no other--for the dark

wind's final gust had ripped

the chandelier from the ceiling, crashing

into the darkness and tearing

my soul apart into millions of tiny glass shards, cutting

me from the inside until I went

numb

I couldn't breathe--shards of glass stabbed

my sides and lodged themselves in

between my ribs with each desperate breath and

once steady inhalation became

hyperventilation as my body shook

Stars of glass clouded

my vision as my eyes rolled

back into my head like a game of glass marbles

I broke

I

am

broken

And now I'm left picking

up the pieces in the dark, and

it's tricky and exhausting and painful, as

you have to watch

your step and how you place

the pieces in your hands, or you will surely cut

yourself

There are so many

pieces, and I can't see

the design I'm building

in the dark, nor do

all the little pieces fit

together like they used to

So I've decided to create

a new design--I can't put

it down on paper, but when I close

my eyes I see it, newly lit

with ethereal light from the Heavens above, a glass

galaxy twinkling, flooding

my mind with light

And hope that I will dance

in the Great Hall again

https://www.pursuerlife.com/post/a-shattering-panic

A Shattering Panic

A poem about the terror of my first panic attack

[pursuerlife]

The Terror of My First Panic Attack & How It Lead Me To Pursue Peace

I will always remember July 25th, 2020.

I was in the back of my family's expedition, feeling extremely anxious after a family event--my first large gathering since before the COVID quarantine lockdown when I was in the Philippines months before.

I didn't know what was going on with me, so I stared out the window, crying softly to myself. My mom noticed how quiet I was and asked, "Mal, are you okay?"

I barely got out the words, "I think I'm having an anxiety attack," while sobbing and gasping for air before I felt everything break inside me.

Both of my sisters spun around from their seats and reached out their arms to grab me. I clung to them like a terrified child--wild-eyed and desperately trying to breathe.

It was like all the oxygen in the car had run out.

As I hyperventilated faster by the second, I could feel my eyes start to roll back in my head.

I'm gonna pass out.

"Mal, look at me! Look at me! You need to breathe." My sister completely took command of the situation in a way I had never seen her act before.

As tears streamed down my face, my body shook uncontrollably and I lost all feeling. I had this strange, terrifying sensation like I had left my body. Still, I couldn't catch my breath.

I feel like I'm dying.

"Deep breaths, Mal! Deep breaths, you can do it."

After what felt like days, we arrived at home and I was eventually able to slow down my rapid, shallow breaths into the slow, deep breaths my sister was breathing for me.

Now, the next part you might laugh or cry at, because I can tell you God definitely knew I would be having my first panic attack on July 25th. July 25th was one of the days my best friend, a trained therapist to-be, was visiting me.

God literally placed a person trained in dealing with panic attacks right in front of me when I needed them.

Isn't that something.

As soon as I got home, she lovingly and expertly guided me through the steps of recovering from a panic attack. God knew I needed her to be there on that specific day, because without her, I might not have sought professional help.

That night before bed, she said these words, "You are strong, but getting help would also be a strong thing to do."

I dropped her off at the airport a few days later and while hugging goodbye she left me with one last thought: "Please talk to someone."

"I will."

It was then that I knew I had to seek professional help. If my best friend who just finished her master's in art therapy told me to get help, I needed help. That day I awoke to the realities of the trauma in my mind and knew I needed to pursue peace to heal.

I relive July 25th over each day. There's not a day that has gone by yet where I haven't been touched by the terror I felt in that moment. And sadly, that hasn't been my only panic attack.

But, I'm healing, and that's enough for now.

More on my healing journey coming soon.

Peace,

Mal

[pursuerlife]

"The Hour That Changes the World": A Prayer Challenge

"It ought to be possible to give God one hour out of twenty-four all to Himself."

This bold and truthful statement is what got me hooked into Dick Eastman's book, "The Hour That Changes the World".

Eastman isn't saying that there's something magical about praying for an hour, but it's the fact that specific time is being set aside to commune with God in prayer that is important. As followers of Christ, we often only spend time with God when we have time, instead of making time, and Eastman addressed this issue.

"A spare ten or fifteen minutes here and there, listening to the greatest cassette of a noted minister, or reading a bestseller on Christian growth, will never provide the food needed for true spiritual development."

I read that statement and immediately felt like

Eastman was talking to me.

I am the QUEEN of opening my Bible if I happen to have time that day and reading spiritual book after spiritual book without application.

In order for true spiritual development to happen, we need to make time to pray each day.

When I first thought about praying for a whole hour, I was thinking to myself about all the times I have prayed in bed and fallen asleep mid-prayer. Does anyone else ever do that? Praying a whole 60 minutes? Yikes.

"I could either sleep or pray. I chose the latter--a decision I shall never regret."

But if this man has regularly given up sleep to pray for a whole hour out of his day, he must have found something amazing in doing so. There's something that keeps him from growing weary, getting tired, and giving up altogether.

Personally, I'm highly curious and intrigued. What would happen in my spiritual life if I prayed for an hour each day?

Well, folks, they say that making a goal public is one of the best ways to make sure you carry out that goal, so this is me, setting a goal in public:

I, Mallory, am going to pray for an hour each day of this next week, using Eastman's twelve-step prayer plan (more on the twelve-step prayer plan to come).

Did the excerpts from "The Hour That Changes the World" intrigue you? You can buy your own copy here.

Are you interested in trying this one-hour prayer challenge with me? Write a comment or send me a message at the bottom of the page!

Peace,

Mal

https://www.pursuerlife.com/post/the-hour-that-changes-the-world-a-prayer-challenge

[pursuerlife]

pursuing prayer & peace

October 18, 2020

Writing this post didn't start now, but actually about a year ago this December, when I asked my grandma how to become a prayer warrior.  

She's known for always praying for everyone else, so I was not surprised when she said that "all through the day" she talks to God.  Her response led me to research, and while doing so I found an ebook called, "Becoming a Prayer Warrior" by Elizabeth Alves.  

I had the ebook sent to my email and left it sitting in my inbox for months, until this summer, when I hit what had felt like rock bottom.  

I had just come back from the Philippines in May, trying to move past the incredibly difficult two month COVID-19 quarantine lockdown and the emergency response of teaching online, where we were not allowed to leave our houses.  But I wasn't moving past anything; I was actually suppressing everything.    

I was anxious all the time, feeling like I was in danger. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, I could barely exist in my own daily life.  Nightmares woke me almost every night and kept me awake because of the horrible things I was seeing in my mind--it came to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep.  

Then I had my first panic attack and everything changed.  Shortly after that I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, anxiety, depression, and my nightmare sleeping disorder.  

I knew I was never going to get through any of this without God, and I had not spent time with him in months.  I had felt too anxious and overwhelmed in my mind to even say a prayer--opening my Bible felt like the heaviest of tasks, so I would quit before I even began.

So, I took a quick look at my life and my fragile state and suddenly remembered that prayer ebook I had never read.  I believe it was the holy spirit that prompted me to search through my cluttered inbox to find it.

After doing so, I read with an urgency I had never experienced.  The only way I can explain this (or maybe it's just because I'm reading this book with my students right now) is that it's like when Harry Potter first finds out he's a wizard and has magical powers. Elizabeth Alves was my Hagrid, telling me of the deep and divine communication that can happen between my soul and God, and I was little Harry, struck with awe.

I very quickly realized there was much more to prayer than I had known and I couldn't believe it.  Why weren't people speaking more deeply on this topic?

I needed to know more, so I searched for more books and came across one entitled, "The Hour That Changes the World" by Dick Eastman (read my post about this book here).  I read it through once, and I was convicted and inspired and knew I needed to immediately read it again, only taking notes the second time.  I now have a journal filled with notes just on prayer, and I'm not stopping here.  

In his book, Eastman claims, "Prayer does not require advanced education...but prayer is more.  Prayer is the vision of the believer.  It gives eyes to our faith.  In prayer we see beyond ourselves and focus spiritual eyes on God's infinite power."

That's just it--prayer is MORE.  It's more than the shallow prayers I pray when I need something or before I have a meal.  It's more than the typical "Lord, help me get through this day" prayer, although those prayers can be honest and heartfelt.  It is "divine communication" with the creator of the universe.

This blog will be used as a space for growth--both spiritually and mentally, as I strive to dig deeper into what prayer with God really means and finding my ultimate peace in Him.  I don't claim to know anything high and mighty.  I don't have a doctorate in theology.  All I have is this hunger deep in my soul to pursue and know God in a whole new way that I didn't know was possible, and I hope you will be there to join me so we can be pursuers together.  

Peace,

Mal

https://www.pursuerlife.com/post/pursuing-prayer-peace