Reread

[sophiasrant]

I think the strangest criticism of queer ships is when people say “no, they’re best friends” or “they’re better as just friends” like bitch they are still best friends. They’re just also fucking. What’s not clicking?

[beybuniki]

yuuji's gay best friend megumi

[beybuniki]

[starg0ld]

[beybuniki]

[skeb] tangerine season

[beybuniki]

judging because izuku shoved a whole tangerine into his mouth

[tragicgirl44]

˚࿔⋆ 𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐲𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Jean Kirstein f!reader 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

तू जुगनू चमकता, मैं जंगल घनेरा, मैं तेरा / you're a shining firefly, I'm your dark, dark forest 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

Jean Kirstein's the boy everyone in the 104th cadet avoids like a damn plague. A rude, vain and selfish asshole who thinks he deserves a place in the military police. God help him—there's no way that big head of his would ever fit in the interior walls, or whatever Eren said. You never once thought he was wrong, and you sure as hell smirked behind your stew in the mess hall whenever those two got worked up. 

And you? you're the girl who's too nice to say a thing. So, so nice—you could be a saint . A second Historia if you will, just a little double-faced. In the way you don’t really like him but end up sitting next to him in class and walking around the training grounds as the evening sun rests. You swear you don’t like him—the arrogance, the vanity and the way he acts like Eren’s every breath is an offense against him. But your mouth opens before your mind can think, and you laugh a little harder and make one too many jokes. 

This is who you are. A little liar, a dishonest girl who doesn’t listen to herself. No one can betray you better than you do. You become a foreigner to yourself the day your gaze meets another.

Pray for the wicked who dare to fight back the force of love.

And this is how it always goes—you look past every roll of Sasha’s eyes, laugh it off when she spots the both of you together. And Jean? He scoffs back even harder. Their eyes crossing swords over a secret rivalry—it’s not jealousy, it’s about who can glare the hardest.

“What? Worried I’ll steal your bestfriend?” He scoffs, his casual smirk replaced by a determined scowl. “C'mon, it's okay, you can sit with us, right Y/n?” 

“Huh? What makes you think she likes you better than me?” Sasha bites back, “And no—thanks, and this table fucking reeks of hay.”  not even sparing a glance at you she brushes past you, Jean and Marco's table with a bitter look on her face. Because, to be honest; getting on his nerves is the real deal—not fighting over you.

You lightly chuckle at her childish choice of words, eyeing at Marco who's across you who silently does the same. And later, she's going to ask you if she looked cool saying that. Your answer's going to be the same—a quick flick to her forehead and a "Yeah, had that bastard choking."

“There she goes, she didn’t even look at you, you sure that’s your bestfriend?" 

“You can see it for yourself when she comes back to steal my bread.” you lean closer, voice low and careful.

“Then I guess I can steal her bestfriend, right?” he looks at you, like really looks at you, and you think—has he always been this beautiful? 

All he asked was to be your bestfriend, but why did you feel like he was asking to split your heart in two? Quietly, carefully—ruin you with his gaze alone.

Part your mouth open and crack a clueless grin. “Sure can.”

But you crossed your heart and said you were only joking when you said you like-liked Jean Kirstein, so what was happening right now? 

Call it teenage stupidity, call it mediocrity disguised as a pretty sight with ashen hair and wild eyes and a sharp tongue that speaks of trouble.

Then why did you moon over his lazy grins and the way he always found a way to make you feel at home? At sixteen, there was no helping your heart that beat out of your damn chest and your body that erupted in flames when his hand found yours. Rough, scratched, they’re difficult not to flinch at, but these are the only pair you wish to hold onto hell and back. And finally, you realise—falling in love wasn't something you could fight back. Not even as a soldier who's all clean cut strikes and logic.

This is how you exist, in perfect harmony. A wild song that strains the highs and lows of  your friendship, cadence high as you two erupt in laughter, filling in each other’s jokes, low as you sit together silently over the ache of your fallen comrades and feel Marco's spark fizz out like a light keeping a dark room together.

And just like that, years flew over the both of you like mornings drifting into darkness of the nights and you were a lovestruck fool before you were a soldier on the fronts. He says he’s strong and will never wind up dying on the battlefield, says the stars are damned if he does. But never once do you take your eyes off of him at the frontlines. He’ll scoff before crying if you tell him you’re scared of losing him out there, but this is how it works. 

Because he’s a shining firefly.

And you’re a dark, dark forest. 

Who's scared that this warmth won't last forever. 

Now, as you swim in his warmth, thousand fireflies blinking all around, your head is a scramble of thoughts and haze. And for the first time in your nineteen years you realise what it feels like to be drunk—it gives you courage and wobbly knees and a mouth that runs too slow and fast all at once.

You look overhead through your half lidded eyes, there's a soft auburn glow of the bulb overhead that keeps this tethered tent together—then beside you, Jean lays flat, just as drunk as you are, blabbering nonsense low as his suit wrinkles everywhere, his collar popped and hair messy like it's been through war. He'd clearly enjoyed this night without any regard for himself.

Lazily, you reach out for his collar, fiddling with it as you try to straighten it with your wobbly hands. You're gonna fail.

“S-so fucking careless…what am I–what am I gonna do with you, mhm..?” 

He cranes his neck to your side, half lidded,  he says, “What're ya…my mom? Leave me alone, yeah.”  he brushes your hand away from his collar, letting it rest above yours beneath his collarbone. The touch is familiar, electric—you know it all too well but your stupid heart still skips a beat. “Always so…damn bossy, do this, do that. I'm —” 

“I'm gonna go over there.” you manage, not minding his rambling as you look over to a pillow that lays between Eren’s ankles, one of his legs tossed over Connie. The stones beneath the layer of this rickety cloth inside the tent were pricking your head and back. You were drunk, yes. But clearly not drunk enough to rest without twisting and turning at the pain. That pillow could do you justice. 

“Stop—no, stay.” Jean mumbles, his slurred words coursing through your being like a rush of early winter air. That same hand makes a weak effort to catch yours and you comply.  

“Yeah?” 

“Where ya goin’?” “There, my head hurts…like hell—floor's too hard…” “Then–then come here…okay? Don’t you dare go.” he extends his arm towards you with a dazed grin. And you, with your liquid courage, slowly motion towards him and let your head rest on his bicep. The prickly stones replaced by his warmth. Unaware of the total bliss your head was in as you grin against his collar like a child being handed candy. He smells faintly of alcohol and cheap cologne that’s wearing away as time drags on. 

He rests his face above your hair, nose deep into your hair like he’s meaning to inhale you whole. His hand finds your waist and rests against it, not demanding, not possessive. Just...warm and benign like you’re some fragile dove and he’s asking if he's allowed to touch. So careful, so soft, so Jean. 

“You mad?” you softly shake your head, leaning closer as your body further relaxes against his. “Nuh-uh.” 

“Yeah, don’t go then…don’t go.”

“No one’s goin’ anywhere, Jean.” you want to laugh. How dare he doubt you?

“Good cuz, I’m always going to be…right here…for ya, don’t worry about me.” he brings his large hand over to brush your hair in lazy motions, you feel every muscle of your body tense against his touch. 

And you feel your body erupt in flames again, and let the smoke engulf you whole with his words, and let the fire brand you with the proof that you’re loved.

God, you’re loved and you have to deal with it whether you like it or not. “No, cuz I-I, cuz I love you. Mmh. Yeah.”

"N-not as a friend, never did."

A beat. Sober Y/n wishes she had been this brave. And this is who you become now, a drunk gallant knight who doesn’t fight it anymore, a dishonest girl who doesn’t lie anymore. Who stopped fighting long ago. 

“I know…I do too.” he says, and your fist curls around his dress shirt and you think you are falling down hard. “Yer something…always so damn clueless, you thought I didn’t know?” his hand is still tangled in your hair, caressing it. 

“I…hate you.” you flutter your eyelids close, grinning. 

“C’mon it’s okay…you know I do too.” he says, and he catches you just in time, arms wrapping around you as his body shifts closer, and for the first time you don’t think about the warmth not lasting forever. Fireflies rising in the forest, flashing forward infinitely.

“I love you too.”  he says, and you think it’s heartless that the world didn’t explode with thousand blooming flowers and the night sky didn’t beam with firecrackers. But it’s alright, you only need these warm arms and Jean’s light. 

Not even the moon rests here, no one dares to get this close—but Jean’s light does. Beautiful things, Y/n—they don’t last for too long. So… you're going to do anything to stretch this night longer.

Tonight though, you don’t have to do anything—because right now, right here in his arms the night is infinite, and you have the whole world cradled right into your much smaller hands.

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

HIIII OMG this was so fun to write. like usual i took inspo from a bollywood song. usually i make like 100 edits and add extra stuff but not this time, im gonna post it bc idgaf 🔥and prob regret not editing later. so im srry if the writing is awk 😔.

[science-hoes]

Anyways

[abruibruibrui]

Oh no, skull mask Jean got caught!

[felineverdure]

[tirajpg]

[thelhc]

nobody has been there for me like the ‘x reader’ tag has been there for me

[smetakovec]

saw this meme and immediately thought of him

[hexquirk]

how long must i wait for okay, bambi’s new chapter i have to know what this fUCKER was thinking

[zomboycity]

erejean if you squint. (11/13/2024)

[jaegersmoon]

As a person who hasn’t experienced these horrible things that y/n has, could you please explain what made her jump to react that way? I mean this as a genuine question, I am so confused after reading. She receives a threatening letter and her response is to be unnecessarily cruel (and very hypocritical) to someone who has treated her very well rather than be concerned about the letter and explain what happened? However, maybe it is best for them both to work through their traumas before getting into a relationship.

lord let me lock in. just warning u this is abt to be long asf bc i have a lot to say.

i don’t speak for everybody but i do speak as someone who was in years of a very abusive relationship and for y/n’s characterization that i worked extremely hard on.

one thing about me is i am a very intentional writer. the signs of y/n’s fear of abandonment and love, lack of trust, and her want to run away were always there, sprinkled and foreshadowed all throughout the book. you just need to read between the lines.

when y/n defended jean at the club or in the bathroom at cyberwave when she threatened annie or confronted those girls, those things weren’t written just for the fun. they were meant to be indicators to show that y/n has unaddressed trauma and has accidentally picked up reactive behavior that she grew up around both in a household and love.

even when she was nothing but kind and perfect and put together to make other peoples lives easier, not wanting to be the burden she was made to feel that she was since she was a little girl, the turmoil within her was always always vicious. it’s just not silent anymore.

why do you think jean had to pull her out of her head so many times?

the things she said during the argument were INTENTIONALLY hypocritical and full of projection. jean needed to call her out for it and point out the things she didn’t want to see or else she would keep going the way that she's been going, faking her joy and hiding her true issues away for the sake of others. she has trained herself to be that way FOR other people. to keep them happy and help them be the best person they can be because of her incessant need to fix people. looking back at ob since the very beginning y/n has been someone who has constantly been advising and being there for others. i.e. helping jean navigate through his own grief, sitting and talking to reiner about his familial issues, advising mikasa on her relationship with eren etc. she is a giver to a FAULT and she uses her calling to help others to distract herself from the fact that she needs help, too. her empathy runs deep for others but she has none for herself.

i can't stress enough that ever since her mom died, y/n has never had a complete breakdown like this, mind you her father even shamed her for crying at her own mother's funeral. so that is nearly ten years of bottling pain, grief, anger, disappointment, fear and a million other things. instead of fixing herself she put all of that energy into fixing other people--her father, porco, lucas, jean, her friends in trost--leaving her fraudulent in her own happiness and her healing. if you look at her life, what happened in 41 was a long time coming.

the hits made by jean were very direct which is why she got even more angry because of how exposed she felt. she KNEW that she just didn’t want to acknowledge it made her push away 10x harder.

she was cruel because she was scared and angry. it was a defense mechanism and jean just so happened to walk straight into it and everything she has spent so long bottling came spilling out.

y/n’s childhood was nothing but reactive. so was her love life. lucas, her father, and porco were all extremely reactive people who did extremely reactive things; fighting, throwing/hitting things, yelling. and she was nothing but a terrified, softhearted girl who who learned not to react because of the consequences and instead shelled up and let the explosion happen all around her for years and years. she has fought so hard to be kind and gentle despite the anger and harm she grew up around but sadly, as it happens so frequently in life, she ended up picking up on those behaviors.

i think people are undermining how important it is that she was able to even acknowledge that. the fact that even in such a dark state of mind she was able to self-reflect and see her mistakes is so important. that's how you know that she isn't truly cruel like porco or keith. if she were, she wouldn't have been able to recognize her behavior and she wouldn't feel as terrible about it as she did. her reaction isn't who she is but rather a reflection of the people in her life before that she loved the most.

yes. jean has been kind and has treated her very well but just because that's true doesn't automatically mean that her brain will be able to digest that. you also have to remember that porco treated her very well in the beginning, too, before he became controlling, abusive, and narcissistic. so that makes her even more scared to trust. she fell for it once and it left her less than half the person she was when she met him and she doesn't want to go through that again so she pulled away herself before it could be done to her even though she is in love with jean. think of it like disorganized attachment.

when you get out of something as toxic as what was porco’s and y/n’s relationship, it literally ALTERS your brain chemistry. it changes the way you think, you feel, you love, you exist. and when i say that shit lingers. it LINGERS. you have to unlearn what their hatred, manipulation, and toxicity taught you. think of it basically like learning how to be a functioning human again because they stripped you completely of the knowledge of who you were before them INTENTIONALLY so you would feel like you would be nothing without them.

i got out of my relationship a while ago and what was done to me still haunts me to this day. i find myself unable to trust, hesitant to love, questioning my worth, and scared to be myself because of how i was shamed for it. it’s like a devil on ur shoulder that never goes away constantly reminding you what was done / said to you and constantly trying to tell / convince you that they were right and that you deserved everything you were put through by them.

it’s the same exact thing for y/n. if you read her flashback you can see first hand how brutal porco was to her and that’s just a glimpse. you need to remember that she LOVED him. like i cannot stress enough she genuinely, deeply loved him to the point she would have rather died than lose him. he was EVERYTHING to her at one point and her love for him is what got her trapped. she constantly poured into him until she was sucked dry and the only person she had once she was finally set free was herself. she had no friends. no support. no family. nothing. she has been completely in her own until she moved to trost.

porco constantly told her that she would never be loved. that they would get tired of her. that they would find her disgusting. even told her she was better off dead time and time again. it doesn’t matter who you are, that shit will stay with you. even her father made her feeling thins way, he did not gaf abt her.

people have constantly called y/n stupid for taking so long to realize that jean had feelings for her. she isn't stupid. she was written that way on PURPOSE. her mind literally cannot understand that jean could possibly see her in the light that her does because her brain is so hardwired to believe that no one ever would. it's even hard for her to swallow that her friends care about her the way they do and is constantly asking herself what she did to deserve it because she was frequently told for her entire life that she doesn't deserve anything. if she feels that way about her FRIENDS its going to be 100 times worse when it comes to romantic feelings since her only experience of love was treacherous.

and the fact she found the strength to admit to herself that she's in love with jean after coming from something terrible is very very looked over imo. coming from what she comes from that takes a lot of strength. and it's because of how much and how deeply she loves jean that she is a million more times more terrified that he is going to abandon her just like everyone else. she loves him even more than she loved porco so you can imagine the fear she feels knowing that love got her into such a mess the first time around.

when you say, "instead of just showing him the letter and explaining what happened” she said it herself, she doesn’t want anyone to know what’s on that letter. it's everything she ran from. everything she fought to keep buried. it makes her feel worthless. ashamed. nothing. if you know y/n’s character at all, you know that she does not open up or ask people for help. she never has. she literally doesn’t know how. all the other times in her life she asked for help, she was shamed for it or called crazy, or was called a useless waste of space.

think back to the scars. porco KNEW she needed help. saw it with his own eyes. she even told him that she did. she said, "i'm sad all the time and i don't know why i think there might be something wrong with me." porco's only response was: "what do you want? for me to feel sorry for you?" and that came from someone she loved and who was supposed to love her. her father was the exact same way. that response to her brokenness is all she knows. why do you think she frequently struggled to cry? because she was so shamed for her emotions she literally trained herself not to even though she feels things more deeply than the average person.

not to mention, the content that was on the letter calls for DEEP conversations about things she is not ready to have. so instead, she chose to hide it away and try to deal with it herself because that's all she has done for her entire life.

please don't underestimate the fact that when when she ran out to try and stop jean from leaving she WAS going to tell him about the letter but it was too late. he was already gone. she deserves credit for even attempting to look over her fears and confide in him especially after her trust was betrayed by their mutual friend.

you also need to remember that y/n has hardly opened up about the things she’s been thru. what she has told the gang about her life is slim to none. even jean which is what he called her out for. the only reason he caught on to the type of ppl her father and her ex are is bc he saw it first hand when he went to stohess w her not bc she confided in him. even when he asked her if porco hurt her before, she didn't say yes or no, she simply looked at him. jean was able to put two and two together reading her as well as he does, but even still, he doesn't know close to anything about the true trauma of what she went through. the only thing she ever told him that porco did to her was when he saw the scar on the back from when she fell on glass and she was very scarce on details even w that.

same with her father. jean knows he changed after her mom died and drinks heavy but he doesn't know to how severe of a degree. he doesn't know she used to have to clean vomit off of him or that he used to beat her and lucas when they were little or that he would be gone for days on end or that she was the one that found lucas when he tried to commit bc her father was passed out drunk on the couch. the things her friends / jean know about her are all surface level and she has undermined everthing she has revealed because she simply can't process what she went through was truly as bad as it was. she also doesn't want them to worry about her.

one of her most famous lines is "what if i can't bring myself to tell you everything that happened to me?" again, that was INTENTIONAL dialogue. because she can't. especially not now that one of her "friends" betrayed her after learning about her life before.

if annie knows about personal things in y/n’s life that porco told her and ended up taking his side and judging her her for the things of her past, she is 100% going to believe what the letter said and jump to the conclusion that other people around her will too. you also have to remember that everyone back in stohess ALWAYS believed porco. after they broke up, he did not speak of her with grace. part of the reason she left is because her destroyed her image. so in her head its history repeating itself. it's only natural for her to shut down.

to save herself from that pain of abandonment, she chose to take the power into her own hands since she was so powerless in all of her losses that came before.

p.s. listen to the bridge of the smallest man who ever lived by t.s. or the greatest by billie eilish. those two songs perfectly describe what she came from. her wounds are gaping and all of what she has been masking for the sake of others is finally spilling out. it was a long time coming.

[qtvc]

have not even finished the video but it’s the way he says thank you honey for me

[qtvc]

WAIT I literally just recently binged all your fanfics on someone else Jeff wittek tag on their tumblr Like they had reblog like all your docs at someone and I was going through reading them all And I never made the connection it was you LOL your a fabulous writer 😁

🥺 tysm I’m actually writing something right now but I was in an emotional state when I started and now that I’m reading the draft back it’s a little over the top so I’m gonna cut some things uuuugh help