So you want to write about polyamory...
Thatâs great! I want to help. Iâm diving into this post assuming you know at least the basics â this is more a 201 post than a 101 post. What this post will do is take a broad look at polyamorous tropes and what to avoid when writing your polycule and what to keep in mind!
At this point, Iâm assuming you know whoâs dating whom and whether or not theyâre open to other relationships, youâve sketched out the general shape of how they all work together.
If you donât even know where to start, I recommend @simplyoriginalcharactersâ post on polyamory as a good starting point as to how to begin writing.
Once you have that, now youâre asking yourself âHow do I not be a bigoted asshole about this?â and thatâs where this post comes in.
Some things about me â Iâm polyamorous and queer. I have 3 loving partners. A lot of the examples below are things Iâve read or things Iâve seen in real life. As with all types of representation, having multiple polycules makes it so not everything has to hinge on the one relationship. Spoiler alert: one of my stories I have planned has a super unhealthy polycule in it. It also has six other polycules in it.
Polyamory that starts with cheating (a.k.a. John is dating William but kisses/fucks Benjamin without explicitly having opened the relationship first)
Any sort of coerced polyamory â e.g. we open our relationship up or I break up with you
A married couple thatâs open to occasional sexual relations with others (this is overdone)
Tragedy causing a pair to be the only ones left alive of the original polycule and them deciding to become monogamous because of it
A cult being your only polycule.
Promoting one relationship type as being inherently better or worse than the other
Jokes about being greedy or âleaving some for the rest of usâ that arenât called out by the narrative as being bigoted.
Things to be super careful about:
Power dynamics especially with an older couple seducing a younger partner â while this can be done it should be done with care and with the knowledge that this isnât usually a good idea. Your best bet is to tread lightly and to make sure you have other polyamorous groups too
Religious-based polyamory â do a ton more research and donât make them your only polyamorous group or your only members of that religion. I canât emphasize this enough. If youâre going to go this route, make sure you have a) more polyamorous groups and b) monogamous members of that religion.
The ranking system (i.e. having primary, secondary and tertiary partners). While this is something some people use, and itâs okay to have characters use it, Iâm strongly cautioning you away from using it as a plot point or as added drama if you arenât part of the community. Whether itâs good or bad isnât something you get to weigh in on.
Having all of your bisexual characters be polyamorous â or none of them (or really, any sexuality, but especially bi characters). You can have all sorts of sexualities represented, e.g. Jennyâs a lesbian and dating Katherine and Taylor. Taylor is bisexual and dating Timothy, who is queer and is also in a purely sexual relationship with Alex, who is aromantic.
If you have multiple polycules, you donât have to worry about your one relationship carrying the burden of representation!
We live in a monogamous culture â people will  assume youâre cheating if they see you kissing someone who isnât your partner (or assume you two broke up)
Everyone is different levels of open about being polyam. This is really important to consider especially in larger polycules. Consider: John is on a date with William, and Benjaminâs parents see them. How out is Benjamin? How out is William? Does the answer change if itâs Benjaminâs sister or boss?
Keep in mind this should be discussed before anyone goes out and is seen with other partners!
Make your representation explicit! I love Leverage â itâs an amazing canon triad, but a lot of people deny it (knowingly or not) because it wasnât explicitly stated that the three of them were dating in the show. (Which⊠Iâd argue, given Elliotâs words in The Long Goodbye Job and everything leading up to that, but thatâs neither here nor there.
There are a lot of parallels between being polyamorous and being queer with being out and being accepted
Metamours can and should be friends.
Jealousy is a thing that happens. If it happens in your story, address it and make sure itâs resolved. Donât let it fester. But tread carefully.
Not all relationships are equal and thatâs okay. Sometimes you end up moving in with one partner over another because of timing or convenience or whatever and thatâs okay.
You can still cheat when youâre in a polyamorous relationship
Itâs not all about sex â itâs sometimes also about the emotions and feelings, but sometimes it is a purely sexual relationship and thatâs okay too, just have some variety.
Polyamorous relationships can be big and messy or small and contained. But it doesnât begin and end with the closed triad who is all dating one another, living together and is perfectly open in all contexts.
My representation wishlist:
Polyamorous but otherwise mostly vanilla groups
While the polyam and kink scenes often go hand-in-hand, this isnât necessarily the case
Young polycules! Itâs not all swingers looking for a little excitement once they hit 40.
Old polycules! Give me the grandparents causing a ruckus in the nursing home trying to get all five of them into a single unit. Speaking ofâŠ
Parents â holy shit, coparenting! Give me the new parents trying to learn how to raise a kid when there are like 5 parents. Whatâs everyoneâs title?
Polyamory being a healthy way of helping cope with a variety of mental illnesses. I know having 3 partners is great for when my anxiety flares up and I need extra reassurance
Though, as with the religion one, tread carefully.
Large sprawling polycules that seem to cover half the city and where everyoneâs âSix Degrees of Kevin Bacon"ing it up â or at the very least, give me something a little different than a closed triad where everyoneâs dating and living together
Final thoughts: Donât use this post to attack anyoneâs ship, art or story. These are guidelines to help you write accurate, respectful polyamorous representation based on my experiences in life and media consumption. Additionally, this is just one post outlining my thoughts on the subject. YMMV and I highly encourage you to do more research and talk to other polyam people about their experiences.
But most of all: have fun. Thatâs what writingâs all about after all.
Like this post? Want to see more like it? You can always support me on Patreon or buy me a cup of coffee to help out.
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