a couple of birthday cakes a did about a month ago
the first is my niece's, shes obsessed with kpop demon hunters, but specifically asked for berries on tip, so i candy coated them. it was half chocolate, half vanilla, split down the middle. the chocolate half had chocolate filling while the vanilla had my fave marshmallow filling.
the other is my brothers gfs kid, she wanted paw patrol, but only skye, and pink and giant lollipops. (i did take the wrappers off when i got there) I dont usually do tiered cakes, or use candy on cakes, but maybe I'll start doing it more, it was fun to make. (except the logo-that was shit. i need to stop trying to be super futzy and just do piped designs. writing is 50/50 too, i just dont have a steady enough hand) it was also chocolate and vanilla. the bottom layer was chocolate and the top, vanilla. it all had marshmallow filling.
cake in progress! i usually do another cleaner draft, but i dont have my pencils with me.
as the finale of my 3 cakes in 3 weeks (4 ig, i didnt plan to do the cheesecake) my moms bday is saturday.
i wanted to do a tiered design even if theres not gonna be alot of us, so im just doing 2 layers per tier.
its based on the samoa girl scout cookie, with chocolate cake as the base, with a filling of dulche de leche/caramel (made with the cheat method of boiling cans of condensed milk) mixed with toasted coconut, and a drizzle of chocolate over it.
im using this new technique ive never done that i saw in a video, where you pipe a shell, then drag the tip as you pull down so the top is a bit flatter? then you pipe white on the top edge and drag that with a brush to create a wave effect. i hope i can do it ok.
i also bought royal icing shells to put around on the bottom tier, and chocolate rocks to use on top.
now the lighthouse. i found one on sale at Michaels thats perfect, detailed, has a little house attached, but it might be a bit too small. so i got another off amazon, but its pretty cheap looking. just a white cylinder with blue on the roof, and a little rope net on the sides. i hope the smaller one looks ok.
lemonade cake- my sib loves space so i did this sun and moon double cake ive seen around. took forever but it turned out nice! it used actual lemonade concentrate in it.
lemon and rasberry- a friends grad cake! it turned out so cute. i used my frosting scraper to mark the stright lines before piping the lattice. it was natural lemon, so less tart than the lemonade one, but the homemade rasberry jam i did for the filling added a nice punch.
FIG CHEESECAKE! YOU GUYS. Ive been wanting to do this for literal years. i saw a recipe on fb and saved it, but Ive never been able to get fresh figs where i live. but! this past weekend my mom found some at a middle eastern market by the mall! i combined 3 recipes to do it. i did a gingersnap crust and a brown sugar (with a bit of cinnamon) cheesecake, then i cut in half and carmalized half of my figs and layered them in the batter (poured half, added figs, poured the rest, put figs on top) then, i made a fig sauce on top with the rest by first pureeing them, then cooking with sugar, honey, lemon juice and vanilla. Guys. GUYS. It was soooo worth the wait. God its heaven. the caramalized figs have a bit of herbalness or something to them, and the gingersnap crust really compliments the sweetness of the figs.
i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags
i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.
and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.
Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.
it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?
when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.
there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.
then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.
when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.
anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.
i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.
there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.
anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.
the whole thing about there still being time.
i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.
there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.
im still scared to do anything.
i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.
i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.
it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???
and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.
Just rewatched again. still makes me feel. something.
still hits me hard. it makes me sad but. in a good way? maybe. not a good way? it makes me feel bad but alive.
it reminds me Im alive and I did see the glow and it led me here. I will always be myself no matter how our government tries to kill me these next 4 years.
(retagging the same things so I dont lose the tw's)
updates since this tho
i did get my name and gender marker changed, i have good friends now and I feel okay most of the time. this election has me in Another low spot, which ig is maybe why i wanted to watch it again? idk
owen chose to turn the tv off. and I know other people are doing the same bc of this election. hiding away again, ignoring their feelings bc its not safe. But they cant erase us. we are a part of human history and we'll always be here.
sometimes i remember that the only reason im alive is that im a coward. and im scared. not of doing it, but of doing it wrong. of waking up. of dealing with the aftermath.
Realized I'm technichally stealth at my second job and idk how I feel about it.
I had been going there or years before I started working there- both before and after I got my name changed- and obviously bc they serve alcohol basically all of the bar staff have seen my id, so they know, and the kitchen manager knows (idk shes friends with the bar manager and she probably warned her to ask to make sure? bc i dont think any of them asked before even though we were friendly since I was a regular- i just ordered and sat down)
anyway
I havent mentioned anything to the kitchen staff. im not quiet bout being queer, esp with the crop tops and jewelery etc. and a couple others arent straight either, but i havent mentioned being trans at all. idk if any of them have guessed or anything. i like being just one of the boys (esp when we end up with a boys night where all the bar staff and kitchen staff are men-its fun af) but at the same time, I like being open about my identity. my activism and queerness are important parts of who I am, even when they arent relevant to the situation. while Im uncomfortable stating it publicly around people who I can tell are unsafe, I like these people.
like. i want them to know, but I dont want to tell them. i want it to just be another fact about me. idk.
“If you promise to stay alive just a little bit longer I promise that we are going to make this world a place worth living in by any means necessary. I ain’t giving up. I swear.”
This is my latest project! It was Sirdar's crochet along last winter, but I didn't do it then because I already had presents for everyone.
They kept the pattern (for free!) up on their website though, so I just had to buy the yarn separately rather than as a set. I wasn't able to get the lighter pink (peaches? I think) but just using cream for those areas doesn't make too big of a difference.
I'm super happy with how it turned out- its for my best friends/ roommates. thats why I'm posting it here- I literally can't post anywhere else to show it off because they'll see it 😂
I omitted the fringe, but I did add a super soft backing fabric to A) make it cozier, and B) hide all the ends I didn't want to weave in 😂 😅
I found some simple instructions on tiktok. I measured the blanket + 1" -the hardest part really, since its not a perfect square- the corners curve a bit. (method under read more if you want)
So I first found which part stuck out the farthest on each side and cut at that length. Then I stuck pins (straight up) around the edge of the blanket at intervals to mark the shape (definitely an easier way but I didn't plan for those) and folded the seam up where I stuck the pins, pinned it in place,and trimmed it. Then I used a marker and marked 3/4" intervals along the entire seam, and used an awl to make the holes.
Heres where I differed from the tutorial-because the fabric I used is so thick, and also because of the irregular shape, I did 1 sc in the hole, then ch2, with a ch 10 for each corner (had to use matching scrap yarn to tie the corners down because of it though). The tutorial just had all sc, with a ch 2 corner.
Anyway, after I got all the way around that, I just sc'd both pieces together. I used the same technique recommended for putting the different pieces of the pattern together with different st coubts- mark at least quarters on each piece so you know where it should line up to look right. (I think I ended up with 16ths just to be extra sure it wouldn't bunch in odd spots)
thank you for tuning in to faggot fm i’m your dj sexchange.com we've got some hits lined up for you tonight. semen and girlfunkel, joan bi-ez, gay bob dylan and kicking us off as always are the normal beatles
this is another very personal vent post so if u do actually know me (i dont think anyones tried finding my act for awhile but still) just....fuck off about it mmk? dont go making assumptions, youll be wrong.
When i told my bestie that my dad was on the offender registry, i dont know what she thiught i meant, like she thought was was kind of joking maybe? like when i showed his current pic (i check to see how much creepier he looks every so often) she was like oh, hes like, actually on the registry
like yeah???
anyway, just now she asked if i thought that he had done something to my sibling, bc theyre.... unique. i cant rwally describe them. theyre like a big kid sometimes. theyre 22 (almost 23) and have done nothing to get a job, they just stay inside playing games and drawing all day every day.
but like. to get back on track, no he didnt.
it brought me back to my own assault though. Ive never told an actual person, just vented on here. because the guy who did it is still in our lives and he always will be.
and we were basically the same age, like maybe a year or so apart. and we were both kids. and while it made me feel so gross, and I tried to get away, I feel like its my fault it went on for as long as it did (2 is years? maybe. i have a black hole in my memories of that time) for not telling anyone what he was doing. because it made me feel closer to him? and we fought a lot otherwise, and I wanted to be closer.
and while it definitely fucked me up mentally, I dont want to fuck up his life now. it would hurt too many other people now, and most of the time i can forget about it.
yet nobody has ever suspected that it ever happened.
we've been doing this thing called "hitting the nosferatu" where you hunch your shoulders and walk towards things while pointing with a long creepy finger
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