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Things that can Destroy your Motivation

Things that can destroy your motivation include:

1. Not having goals. You can’t reach your goals if you don’t know what they are.

2. Choosing goals that don’t inspire you. You won’t be able to keep on going if the prize at the end doesn’t really matter to you.

3. Expecting immediate results. Anything worthwhile is a battle and a struggle. It takes times and effort to bring about a change.

4. Lack of support. We all need someone to believe in us and to be our cheerleader when we start to feel discouraged.

5. Not believing in yourself. As Henry Ford so wisely said: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

6. Feeling bored. Most success involves a lot of humdrum work, and repeatedly doing the same kind of stuff. But each day brings you closer to achieving what you want.

7. Inaction and laziness. You have to work the plan before the plan will work … and dreams are only dream till you turn your thoughts to actions. Also, it’s crucially important that you manage your time well, and you don’t get distracted or procrastinate.

8. Being around negative people. There are plenty of people who only see the flaws, and whose eyes are on the problems, and the absence of solutions. If you hang out with them, you will lose your zest and passion, and your positive outlook will soon be undermined.

9. Comparing yourself to others. We each are individuals, and we start from different places; we all face our challenges, and work at different rates. Remember “it’s your journey”. Be patient with yourself.

10. Encountering setbacks. No matter how great your plans, or your level of commitment, you’re bound to face some setbacks and encounter obstacles. That’s a normal part of growth – just keep going when life’s tough.

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When you want to give up

1. Remember why you started – what your reasons were. What was the “spark” that got you going, and inspired you to begin on the journey you are on?

2. List all the reasons why you can persevere, and make it to the end so you reach your goal. Remind yourself you have what you need to succeed.

3. Give yourself permission to give up if you choose. That reminds you that it’s you who is in control. You’re choosing to do this as it’s what you want to do.

4. Think of all the reasons why you should persevere – as that will stop you thinking about why you should give up. What are the benefits? What will you gain? How will you feel when you’ve reached your goal?

5. Instead of concentrating on the struggle and the work, focus all that energy on looking for solutions.

6. Recognise success will require some sacrifice. It’s always lots of work, and every winner pays a price. “No pain no gain” is a basic truth in life.

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This-

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How to Develop Self-Compassion

Acknowledge to yourself that you’re having a hard time. Don’t beat yourself up for struggling. Let go of any tendencies towards perfectionism. Ask for support from those who truly care. Make sure you enforce healthy boundaries with others. Drop some commitments, and give yourself more space. Take time to relax, and to do things you enjoy. Learn to appreciate and value solitude.

Vacation

We are back! I got sick a few days before our scheduled flight, so I was a mess. I'm grateful, however, that I had those several days to recover.

I saw by brother for the first time in years, and his wife and I had some civil conversations too. It felt awkwardly normal, and I started fantasizing about a better relationship or a possible friendship. Naïve me! She probably doesn't want to do anything with me, but at least she is keeping the face and doesn't lash out at me. She started therapy, and I can see that her communication skills have improved significantly.

I wasn't able to see my new T for 5 weeks. I missed them. They have a public blog which helped me stay connected. Unlike in my previous therapeutic relationships, this T encourages contact and WANTS me to get attached to them. It's scary and mind blowing. I get a response every time I initiate contact. I texted them at least once a week or so while traveling. I believe the idea is that disorganized attachment style has to be healed by secure relationships, hence the limited reparenting and their willingness to stay connected. If everything goes well, I will be able to separate on my own after therapy is completed. Therapy is at least a year long, but I've been seeing multiple providers for years now without significant progress, and my healthy adult part is still lacking. DBT and other modalities are too impersonal and hurt me more in the end. I'm ready to give this a try. There are no red flags so far, and we are slowly getting to know each other. I'm hypervigilant, but T works with people with PDs and complex trauma, so we talk things through. I also love schema-therapy language. It's super validating and promotes self-compassion. The more I learn about this method, the more I think I found the right treatment. I'm surprised to see how many of my needs are being met here already! Finally, I don't feel crazy for wanting or needing something. I'm still scared I'll be too much, too clingy, or too needy. I try to journal a lot when something comes to mind so that I don't bother my T too often. I hope once we go back to normal weekly sessions, I'll feel safer.

I learned something new about my abuser and regressed. It was too sudden and just too much to handle. I had no idea I could feel so weak and scared again. I feared he was seriously harming someone else. Last week was especially difficult. In addition to that, my abandonment issues got triggered by my partner. Unfortunately, I used the same coping that brought me into DBT years ago. I felt vulnerable, alone, unwanted, and unloved... I had been SH-free for over 4 years. My T's response was warm and empathetic. I'm safe now and want to be kinder to myself. We both believe it was a one-time reaction and nothing to be too concerned about. I know my skills and will use them in the future. I'm happy that I'm not "punished" for being unable to cope. I want to bring this up in therapy, even though they told me we don't have to discuss this until I'm ready.

This person is super-flexible, yet I know there are boundaries, and I can easily respect them. It differs so much from what I'm used to. I'm talking to a real person and get a personal response. In the past, I felt like I was bombarded with rules and restrictions. There was no "real person' behind those rules and methods... It was nothing like a "normal" relationship.

Anyway, my idealization is in full-bloom. My next appointment is on Wednesday, and I look forward to it.

#bpd #bpd feelings #dbt #schema therapy #cptsd recovery #sh recovery #disorganized attachment #therapeutic relationship

Life update

I'm in therapy... again! I read a lot about schema therapy and reached out to someone who does it. They responded almost right away, and I got my first appointment. I most likely had cPTSD in addition to my personality disorder. Some interpersonal difficulties don't go away, so I'm willing to try schema to see if it helps. I'm quite excited about rescripting. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm trying to overcome the lack of trust. After all, having 10 Ts can be discouraging... With this one, I'm going through the same patterns, but I feel like this specialist is genuine and more caring. After a few sessions I feel connected. Will I finally form a secure attachment? Mine has always been disorganized.

There is a lot on my mind. I'll probably go back to writing soon.

#bpd #cptsd #cptsd recovery #therapy #schema therapy

I made an attempt to stop taking my medication. There was just one left at that point, and I decided to quit. I feel physically tired and almost exhausted. Nearly fell asleep during someone's defense and logged out before the discussion 🙉 If I feel worse, I'll start taking it again.

I guess I'm over my attachment to my old therapist. I understand how unhealthy my behavior was and sometimes wonder why we didn't explore that more.

I'm SH-free for two years! My current friends and coworkers know nothing about my past struggles, ahd I don't want to share.

I see a therapist regularly. It feels awesome to realize that I benefit from therapy but don't need it or depend on it. I couldn't imagine that 2 years ago!

I talk with my siblings less. I chat with my sister every other month or so and never talk about my life in details. With my brother, we FaceTime once a month. I stopped using social media and feel much better now that I don't see (and envy!) other people's lives. It works.

I've accepted the possibility of never seeing my relatives again, and it feels good. My guilt is gone. I'm free to spend time with those who fulfill me and to whom I feel close.

I still miss my pet every day. I look at his pictures and videos and wish he was here. He'll always be in my heart.

Life is ok. There are ups and downs. There's stress. There are disappointments and joyful moments. I feel almost "normal".

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Valid vs. Justified

Something I struggled with a lot before DBT was differentiating (or even knowing there was a difference!) between an emotion being valid and an emotion being justified.

All emotions are valid: you are allowed to feel how you feel in response to things in your life. Nobody can tell you your feelings are incorrect.

Not all emotions are JUSTIFIED, or they're justified but their intensity is not. For example, someone forgets to acknowledge you and it hurts. You can validate yourself and also at the same time recognize that no, being at 90/100 on the rejected/hurt scale is not justified in this interaction. You can then decide on your response accordingly.

This is part of the dialectic. Two seemingly opposite facts can be true at the same time.

I think I've gotten better at checking my own emotional responses, but they still get the better of me sometimes, particularly guilt and shame.

Taking a second to run through this thought process has often made a huge difference for me, allowing me to respond rather than mindlessly react.

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How to end a friendship with a letter

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BPD Books

If you’re looking to increase your understanding of the way the brain works in BPD, or just in general, or want something specifically for DBT or mindfulness skills, these are the books that I have read (well, demolished is probably the more appropriate word…). I’m talking notes in the margin, scrawling reminders on post-it notes, and highlighting my favourite quotes on Goodreads, constantly referring back to, kind of demolished…

If you’re wanting to read one but not sure where to start or want to ask questions before you buy one, feel free to comment or send an ask. Lots of you have asked me lately about what I’ve read, so here you go 💙

(To be completely honest, I’m also posting this so I can keep track myself… There are a few I’ve inhaled lately. Hopefully not at the expense of my impending exams… Eek!).

Specifically for BPD & DBT:

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets – Marsha M Linehan

Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder – Blaise Aguirre & gillian Galen

Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder – Shari Y Manning & Marsha M Linehan

I Hate you, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding The Borderline Personality – Jerold J Kreisman

High Conflict Couple: A DBT Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation – Alan E Fruzzetti

Coping With BPD: DBT and CBT Skills to Soothe the Symptoms of BPD – Blaise Aguirre & Gillian Galen

Borderline Personality Disorder Toolbox – Jeff Riggenbach

Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery From BPD – John G Gunderson & Perry D Hoffman

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide – Alexander Chapman

The Buddha & The Borderline – Kiera van Gelder

The DBT Skills Workbook – Jeffrey C Wood

The DBT Diary – Matthew McKay

The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions – Cedar R Koons, Marsha M Linehan

Girl, Interrupted – Susanna Kaysen

Stop Sabotaging: A 31 Day DBT Challenge to Change Your Life – Debbie Corso

This Is Not The End: Conversations on Borderline Personality Disorder – Tabetha Martin

Mindfulness &/or Meditation:

Radical Acceptance: Awakening The Love That Heals Fear and Shame – Tara Brach

The Miracle of Mindfulness – Thich Nhat Hanh

Wake Up Now – Stephan Bodian

How To Relax – Thich Nhat Hanh

How to Sit – Thich Nhat Hanh

How to Walk – Thich Nhat Hanh

How to Eat – Thich Nhat Hanh

How to Love – Thich Nhat Hanh

No Mud, No Lotus – Thich Nhat Hanh

True Love – Thich Nhat Hanh

The Relaxation Response – Herbert Benson

Walking The Noble Path – Thich Nhat Hanh

Where You Go, There You Are - Jon Kabat-Zinn

Relationships:

My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward – Mark Lukach

The Course of Love – Alain de Botton

Essays in Love – Alain de Botton

Disordered Eating:

The DBT Solution for Emotional Eating – Debra L Safer

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for Binge Eating and Bulimia – Debra L Safer

The DBT Skills Workbook for Bulimia – Ellen Astrachan-Fletcher

General Psychology:

Man’s Search for Meaning – Viktor E Frankl

Advice Not Given - Dr Mark Epstein

The Trauma of Everyday Life - Mark Epstein

The Body Keeps The Score - Bessel A van der Kolk

Women Who Run With The Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Neurology, Plasticity of the Brain, & Physiology:

The Brain’s Way of Healing – Norman Doidge

The Brain That Changes Itself – Norman Doidge

Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst – Robert M Sapolsky

Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers - Robert M Sapolsky

Yogic Philosophy:

The Wisdom of Yoga - Stephen Cope

The Great Work of Your Life - Stephen Cope

Inner Engineering: A Yogi’s Guide To Joy - Sadhguru

Weird & Wonderful:

Mastering Your Mean Girl – Melissa Ambrosini

The Pocket Rumi - Rumi

How Proust Can Change Your Life - Alain de Botton

BPD with Relatable Fictional Characters

Eloping is For Losers by Alice Morrison

And waiting to be read on my Kindle or desk…

The Five Invitations - Frank Ostaseski

Happy reading and skills practice 💙

quietsis

Personal

Yesterday, my former T reached out to check on me. My vacation from therapy is over, and she is willing to meet via Zoom.

I don't want to talk with her. She wasn't there for me when I needed support the most... I responded saying that I am not ready to do any work in therapy and thanked her for sending a message.

Her fees went up, but she didn't mention that fact yet again. I always felt the pressure of paying for every minute of her time, knowing that I have exactly 45 minutes if not less... She made sure I understood she has a busy life, and I dreaded asking for attention. This relationship felt impersonal and weirdly uncomfortable. I felt pressured to "make it productive."

When my current therapist mentioned that she does FREE check-in 10-15 min calls with her clients now that some of them cannot afford therapy, my respect towards her has grown. It's not always about education and formal "skills." Making sure that people feel treated as equals means so much more to me. That's why there were so many ruptures in the relationship with my former T. I always felt less than. And it's not just me, even though I used to say that out of the fear of losing her. Her personality and style added to the failure.

I might consider seeing my former T face-to-face to say goodbye once this is over. I have no willingness to accept her help. To be honest, I'm quite surprised she emailed me in the first place 🤷

quietsis

As it turned out, she forgot to tell me 🤦‍♀️ The story of my life, or, should I say, the summary of my relationship with this T?

I emailed her, and we did teletherapy. It felt good to have this closure, and I'm glad I was able to move past my grudges. I thanked her for helping me overcome specific obstacles. In my experience, gratitude cannot coexist with anger or bitterness. We ended on a good note. Now I'm even more appreciative of my current therapist.

One thing I was certainly right about: we had a 49 minute long session, and that was perfect! These 4-5 minutes do make a difference, but my former T never got that. Oh, well. That's one of the reasons she is former...

#personal #update #therapeutic relationship #closure

I'm doing RO DBT and finding it helpful to see my rigid patterns of behavior and thinking and challenge those. Moreover, I truly enjoy learning about this treatment, making notes, etc. I think it's a wonderful addition to traditional DBT.

Marsha is a genius, but she couldn't write about everything or do every type of research. I hope things continue to get modified and added upon to help more people.

I wonder if we move back to Seattle one day. If we do, could it be possible to work with Melanie Harned?? I'm deeply interested in the research she does.

#bpd #dbt #dbt pe #marsha #ro dbt

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Personal

Yesterday, my former T reached out to check on me. My vacation from therapy is over, and she is willing to meet via Zoom.

I don't want to talk with her. She wasn't there for me when I needed support the most... I responded saying that I am not ready to do any work in therapy and thanked her for sending a message.

I might consider seeing my former T face-to-face to say goodbye once this is over. I have no willingness to accept her help. To be honest, I'm quite surprised she emailed me in the first place 🤷

#bpd #fear of rejection #emotion dysregulation #therapeutic relationship #therapy

Cooking is fine; it's even fun. Doing the dishes is the worst. I'm trying to be mindful and use it as an exercise...

I'm feeling extremely grateful for my kids. They are pretty independent with their schoolwork. We'll see how things go.

I'm doing some deep cleaning + organizing (while ignoring the usual "mess" of a house full of people). It's slow, but it's moving, so I'm happy with the tiniest bit of progress.

My anxiety is pretty low in big part due to having zero social interactions or feeling the pressure to be on a strict schedule. On the other hand, I have a hard time falling asleep... All in all, I feel calm taking it one day at a time 🙏 I was able to cancel my therapy session. To be honest, it's not my priority, and I don't want to invest any time into working on stuff. I check in with myself - no need to vent either. If things stay the same, I'll take another long break from therapy.

#home #prrsonal #anxiety

Am I the only one who is fine with not having to keep up with the "social life?"

I'm ok. Trying to enjoy being "creative" while cooking for a family of four. We have different dietary restrictions, so I do spend a decent amount of time cooking (and doing the dishes+cleaning afterwards). I'm also working on some crafting projects, and that's fun.

I don't miss "peopling" at all. I'm glad I quit my job. I'm also happy I didn't plan our spring break in advance (as I usually do). I know I'm lucky to be unemployed right now, and I'm grateful for that.

#gratitude #introvert

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“Not everyone who is single is lonely; not everyone who is taken is in love.”

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