Modern Advice For The Modern Woman #10: How To Argue
It is very important for a modern woman in today’s modern world to be able to argue effectively.
First, keep in mind that no one cares about your opinions because you are, after all, a woman, and it's very likely that you lack the ability to differentiate between facts, opinions and emotions. Thus, before you engage in any form of debate, argument, or any other activity men are way better, ask yourself: Am I menstruating?
No matter what you say, everyone will assume you're just being hormonal anyway, so it's best to have a calendar handy to prove your cycle is not behind the words coming out of your face hole.
Speaking of words, it is going to be difficult for you to sound smart given your vagina and breasts. Instead, just be realistic and try to sound less dumb than everyone expects you to be.
So when you find yourself in a position to make an argument, here are some things you SHOULD NOT DO:
1. Use logic: You are woman. Logic is foreign to you. Fact.
2. Wear pants: Men are threatened by women who wear the same clothes they wear.
3. Eat or drink before, during, or after the argument: You could probably stand to lose a few pounds anyway.
Now that you know what you shouldn’t do, here are a few things you SHOULD DO if you want to succeed at arguing:
1. Say things like, “don’t,” “just don’t” and “ew, don’t.” Or, if you really feel like you’re not being heard, you can try, “no, seriously, don’t.”
2. After you have exhausted the variations of “don’t” you are free to explore the elements of “can’t.” You can say things like, “I can’t” or “I can’t even” with a brush of the hand to disrupt conversational discourse. Keep in mind that “can’t” is best reserved for when it’s clear that the argument will not end in your favor.
3. Don't forget that diversity is only important when it comes to vocabulary. So once you’ve successfully dismantled your counterpart’s argument with a range of “don’t” and “can’t” responses, you’ll need to switch to “whatever.” You might say “Whateverrr” which implies seriousness because the first letter is capitalized and playfulness because of the extra r’s. Or try “whatever, [person’s name]!” if you want to really own a climatic moment. If your goal is to antagonize your counterpart, definitely throw in a “ok, sure, whatever” randomly to interrupt them.
Follow these basic guidelines and you have the key to success! (But not really, since keys are a powerful phallic symbol and they go into holes, which is just a reminder of how not having a penis means you can't open a door for yourself.)
That said, it is valuable to note that for a woman, success does not mean winning the argument. It merely means that you abided by gender norms in a way that proved predictable and didn’t disturb anyone in your unreasonable attempt to contribute to society.
After all, women exist for the same reason flower arrangements do – to look and smell pretty. Flower arrangements don’t have opinions or argue, do they? Of course not. Remember: as long as you know your place, no one can put you in it.
Now go out there and get your argue on! Girl power!
