u know what i hate about cute baby yoda? u know what i hate? i hate that cute baby yoda is actually, legitimately cute. it doesn’t make any sense. it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. if i said to u, and both of us were completely sober, the words “baby yoda,” whatever vision u came up with in ur mind, i can assure u, it would be several miles left of adorable and at least thirty down into the uncanny valley. we’re talking animatronic reneeseme from twilight: breaking dawn part 2. let’s be honest. the fact that baby yoda is––is cute? is adorable? has downy ears and big eyes? absolutely unthinkable. ridiculous. baby yoda, at least, the should be cursed if not completely haunted. with Actually Cute Baby Yoda™ it’s clear the world has been kicked several feet off axis. the cosmos have been shaken. what disney exec took a drag of his cigar, looked at baby yoda, and said, “oh yah. might just fuck around a bit and cause a metaphysical catastrophe. good job, boys, raise for u, geoffords.” no. i refuse. i refuse to accept it. what lovecraftian nightmare looked sixteen hundred of his eyes at the shriveled embodiment of monkey emoji: hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil edition™ and went oh? yes? we could make some cute merch money off this crusty gangrene ballsack if we aged him circa seven hundred fifty years backwards? truly a nightmare. u haven’t seen satan’s influence in the world until u have stared into the wide eyes of babey yoda.
