Rabbi Housewife

My mother has quite the way with words.

[rabbihousewife]

Dogged Resistance

(My mom wants to get a dog; my dad doesn’t.)

 My mother: “It may be that Dadds is worrying that a dog will interfere with our elder traveling lifestyle. *lol* You know, which I so don’t want to have. The dog would be a good excuse not to go.”

[pusheen]

[rabbihousewife]

Mothers are the Best

(At Food Lion.)

My mother: “People keep looking at you. I think they’re wondering if you’re a model.”

[rabbihousewife]

Gumming Up the Works

My mother: “Do you have a piece of gum?”

(I shake my head.)

Me: “Sorry.”

My mother: “Actually, I have some. I just didn’t feel like getting it. And I thought yours would be different.”

[pusheen]

[rabbihousewife]

Happy Birthday to my dad!

[pusheen]

[rabbihousewife]

Thanksgiving begins!

[over-sleep]

[nymphomanik]

i never thought i would say this about a fish but wow what an asshole

[just-tea-thanks]

Science side of tumblr, can I get an explanation?

[brevityandclarity]

@elodieunderglass

[elodieunderglass]

(Science lecturer voice) and here we observe a fish just being a real jerk

Student: but why

Me: asshole behavior is a conserved trait in chordates

[onlyblackgirl]

She found his side hoes.

[amethystspaceprince]

That little goth clownfish is just enjoying all the drama

[fat-birds]

cedar waxwings gorging on berries.

[rabbihousewife]

The famous cedar waxwing! ;)

[pusheen]

[rabbihousewife]

[rabbihousewife]

[rabbihousewife]

All in a Day’s Work

(One of my textbooks, Your Inner Fish, had some interesting things to say about motherhood among the various species on earth. I told my mom, thinking she would feel proud of herself for enduring such untoward demands.)

Me: “. . . so humans are the only species where a mother can be caring for a weaned child that isn’t old enough to fend for itself, AND nursing another child, AND pregnant!”

My mother: “It’s fun!”

[rabbihousewife]

Marking Her Territory

Friend: “If my boyfriend wanted to wear purple, I wouldn’t say anything to stop him, but I’m glad he doesn’t. My mother always dresses my dad in these insanely garish pink and purple shirts and ties. I asked her why, and she said, ‘He looks good in bright colors!’ But here’s the thing: Red is also a bright color, but I don’t see her buying him anything red. I think she does it so that other women will look at him and think, ‘OK, he must be married. Why else would he wear that ridiculous color?’ ”

[rabbihousewife]

Bros

(My father is trying to plan a trip to see a football game with his friends, but they can’t agree on where to sit or how to get to the stadium.)

My mother: “Your father’s friends are very troublesome. They’re worse than girls. Notice that I said girls, instead of women --”

Me: “Yeah. Like middle school girls.”

My mother: “Because women would just make a plan and do it.”

[rabbihousewife]

All Hail the Queen

My mother: “I’m down to feeding Sheila three times a day now. She was skinny when I got her. Now she’s a fatty! Queen Latifah in there!”

[rabbihousewife]

Maternal Instinct

(While minding my own business at my parents’ house, I suddenly hear a loud exclamation behind me.)

My mother: “Oh, GOOD for YOU!”

(I turn around and see that she is talking to her betta fish, Sheila.)

My mother (to me): “I dropped in this Betta Buffet pellet and, instead of floating like it’s supposed to, it sank like a stone. But she swooped down and got it! I’m going to give her another one, just for being so brave.”

(When we were kids, she always got us “bravery presents” after we got shots or had to do something else scary.)