Warning for implied(?) topics of mental illness, social inadequacy, venter being a bad person (probably)? brief mention of abuse
Sorry about the massive wall of text, I didn't think I had that much in my head until I'd typed it all out. (-_- ').
I find as I get older I'm getting worse and worse with social ability like communication, supporting others, and so on.
While I don't have empathy for anyone anymore, there are some I could say I care for out of selfish reasons, something about them I find enjoyable or entertaining so I want to keep them around and try to avoid hurting or upsetting or driving them away, there's only two people in this category though.
I don't care if I'm a good or bad person, I do horrible things to people who do not entertain me, I justify it by picking specific people to be horrible to, those who have abused me either over prolonged or shorter periods tend to end up who I take it out on, people like my "mother", or my "sister".
Honestly I don't want to be a good person. I want to be good enough for the two people I "care" for, as I know they deserve good things, but anytime they need someone to talk to I find I don't know anything about comforting others. I don't know how to make others happy or to make them feel better, the only thing I'm good for is seeing logic and being rational, but the moment it comes to actually comforting somebody it's almost like I'm a child, like I've never learned these things.
And if I can't comfort them with rationality, which is normally the case, after a while I'll end up frustrated or upset that they're upset and I just want them to stop being upset around me.
I don't want to be upset with them for it, but because of whatever's wrong in my head, I can't help it, I find myself irrationally mad at them because they sought me out for help.
All of my problems could easily be fixed if I had just a bit more money, I could move out and cut my "family" off, get therapy, probably get diagnosed or at least have someone willing to teach me how to be human, really, thinking about it all my problems come from the lack of money.
/ pt : radqueer vents, no dni, be kind : end pt /