Split Ends and Paperbacks

No queue, we spam post and die · · I really love Sloane & Hurley, ok? · · If you need something tagged, please tell me. Title is from a poem by latenightcornerstore . 24 they/them

[spellbound-willow]

Reconstruction of the clothes of women from the Minoan era in Crete (reconstructions made by Dr. Bernice Jones).

The clothes of Minoan women were surprising with their style and variety of patterns. Greek women of later times wore clothes with completely different stylistic solutions. The exposed breasts were a characteristic feature of the dress of Minoan and Mycenaean women. They attached great importance to their attire, wear and used jewelry. They wore a wide and long skirt with a decorative belt tightening the waist and a tight-fitting bra with a metal frame revealing the breasts. They put on coats or capes on cooler days. Hair, intricately combed, was decorated with brown or gold ribbons, beads or headbands. Others wore appropriate headgear. They wore unusual hats. Some were wide, while others were tall, almost completely covering their hair, decorated with feathers or ribbons.

It can be seen at the Hellenistic Museum in Melbourne, Australia. The reconstructions are based on frescoes.

Photos: Tahney Fosdike.

[starsinmypocketpussy]

[arospecawarenessweek]

Handout info for AAW

What is Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (Arospec Awareness Week; AAW)? AAW is a week centered around spreading information and awareness about aromanticism and making sure aromantic spectrum voices and issues are heard and understood. This is different from Asexual Awareness Week, but the communities are connected.

What is an aromantic? An aromantic is someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction toward anyone, regardless of gender.

What is the aromantic spectrum? This is the collection of non-alloromantic romantic orientations (gray aromantic identities + aromantic) and is often seen as a spectrum like the color spectrum (referred to as being “different shades of aro” or “shades of gray aro”).

What is gray aromantic? This is an umbrella term that covers all identities that are on the aromantic spectrum that are not aromantic (“the gray area” of the spectrum). It can be used as an identity as well and describes someone who experiences romantic attraction only very rarely, weakly, unstably / unreliably, and/or under certain circumstances.

What is arospec? This is an alternative to saying “aro” which is short for aromantic. Arospec is the shorthand name for people who identify anywhere on the aromantic spectrum, including aromantics.

What are some issues arospecs face? Amatonormativity is a social force where romantic relationships are treated as intrinsically better and more valuable than other sorts of relationships, and that forming such an exclusive, central, amorous relationship is a goal shared universally. This is an issue many arospecs face because we do not feel romantic attraction in ways that make romantic relationships ideal for us. We are othered by amatonormativity by the way we are treated and how we’re told to complete our lives.

Arophobia is like homophobia or queerphobia, where someone rejects aromanticism as valid orientations for various reasons. Arophobia is present inside and outside LGBTQIA+ / queer communities, but does not mean we are “more oppressed” than others. Arophobia is tied with amatonormativity, since it stems from the belief that everyone has the ability to experience romantic attraction.

Am I arospec? Talk to your arospec community or go online to find safe spaces to ask in detail. The fact you are asking this at all probably means you are!

What now? Spread this information and do more research! If you are an ally, please listen to the community this week. If you think you might be arospec, look into it and try talking to your arospec community (as in those responsible for showing you this in the first place).

~ by Tabs at arospecawarenessweek.tumblr.com

[oneshortdamnfuse]

I am both aromantic and asexual, which I consider to be a unique experience worthy of discussion. However, many have made it their mission to ensure that people do not conflate aromanticism with asexuality. While I completely understand why that is, I feel that this separation has made it more difficult at times for me as an asexual and aromantic person to articulate my own experiences.

Sometimes, I feel as though there is a stigma attached to being both. I have run into asexuals who are not aromantic, who subtly or not so subtly other aromantic asexual people. I have experienced the same thing with aromantics who are not asexual. I especially feel it when people within either community express “…but we still can [insert experience here]!” Still can? Still can. Those two words make my heart lurch. 

You see, I can’t. It is hard to describe “can’t.” When faced with a “can’t,” people usually sit down and think about what they can. Sometimes someone sits down with them and they “problem solve” until they can. It usually involves unlocking why they can’t. Figuring out the secret to “can.” Finding a way around it. The thing is with sexuality, is that there is no real way around it. I just “can’t,” but that’s because I am who I am. I don’t need to “can,” do I? 

There is no “still.” Still just means that there is something there that is normal. That is acceptable to a degree. Sure, as an aromantic asexual person, I could say that I still have relationships that are important to me. That is my “still,” but what good does that do other than to get people to look at me? What I’ve found is everything that doesn’t fit into “still can” is stigmatized, and stigma has a weird impact on my mental health that is hard to express. 

As an aromantic asexual person, sometimes I feel present but unmoving. Everyone else is moving around me and past me, only stopping for maybe a moment. It can be an incredibly isolating experience, and it ties into my ultimate fear of loneliness. I have no desire to change who I am, but I have often caught myself pretending to be someone else in order to make the world around me stop long enough to be noticed. 

The internal challenges faced among aromantic asexual people are not discussed enough, and I think that it’s in part because we so often internalize everything that we wind up saying nothing at all. However, we are so often encouraged to talk about our identities separately and on top of all of this, we are categorized with heterosexual (heteroromantic) people because we don’t experience same gender attraction… but we experience no attraction. 

I think about myself, and who I would be if I were heterosexual (heteroromantic). It wouldn’t be as isolating as this. I would not have the lack of resources. The lack of words necessary to talk about myself. The lack of representation and insight. I would not have to negotiate my identity with my negative experiences. I would not have to sacrifice who I am, just to avoid my worst fears. I wouldn’t be having panic attacks over this or zone out.

Being who I am is terrifying at times. I spent years imagining a society that I could function in, lost in excessive daydreaming that hurt my ability to perform academically and connect with and maintain relationships. Being able to find people like me online was extremely helpful, as there was no one like me in my immediate world offline. It makes me feel more like a person. It makes me feel real, and prevents me from losing myself. 

So, when people say or do things to kill that support, I end up back at square one. If you say I don’t exist enough, I’ll believe it. If you associate me enough with people who are not me, I’ll start to believe that I can’t be me. I need to pick an option that is not me. I can’t do that though. I can fake it pretty well, but it’s never going to be me. Then, when my own communities split far apart from one another, I feel like I’m pulled in two different directions. 

I can’t be two different people, unless I divide and compartmentalize myself. That will only make my health worsen. I realize that this is probably unique to me as an aromantic asexual person who struggles with mental health and wellness, but still… how people talk about aromantic asexual people inside and outside of either community has a big impact on our ability to communicate. I’m trying to do better as a person, but I think others can do better to.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. 

[violetemerald]

This is a really important point you’ve made here, I’ve seen these sentiments from time to time but I want to see MORE of it. and I’m glad you wrote and posted this. It’s related, I think, to how @rotten-zucchinis identifies are “aroace” (one word) although I’m having trouble finding the most relevant post of theirs? Probably scrolling down to “ re: aromanticism & attraction “ here: http://rotten-zucchinis.tumblr.com/tags is a good bet, though.

It’s also related to this old blog post written by @queenieofaces : https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2014/04/05/asexuals-arent-just-like-everyone-else-minus-the-sexual-attraction/

[rotten-zucchinis]

I know this is almost a month late, but in case it’s still relevant ( i.e, in case people haven’t found what they’re looking for yet ), this is a list of some of the stuff I’ve written about ( my ) asexuality and aromanticism being all bound up together:

re: aromanticism is not about asexuality but asexuality is a somewhat about aromanticism ( Oct. 2014 ) [ Link: text ]

Notes on “types of attractions as orientations”– Part 2: problems of orientation *independence* ( Oct. 2015 ) [ Link: text ]

about the emphasis on separating “asexuality” and “aromanticism” and treating them as parallel and independent orientations even though that doesn’t work for a lot of people

Incoherent ramblings re: aro / greyromanticism– Part 1: being *both* aromantic & greyromatic ( April 2015 ) [ Links: text ]

about being aromantic and greyromantic in different ways, from a perspective where asexuality and aromanticism are all rolled up together

High school harassment… we all knew *something* even if it wasn’t “asexuality” ( Nov. 2015 ) [ Link: text cw for sexual harassment and threats of violence ]

an account of how high school was terrible, where I was a target for reasons of asexuality and aromanticism rolled up together ( and some other stuff too )

Notes on nonbinary aroace & queer assailability… as queerspawn (Jan. 2015 ) [ Link: text ]

exploring how my ace identity was assailable because of my queerness and vice versa ( where part of that involved my asexuality and aromanticism bound up together… along with non-binary gender stuff and being queerspawn )

Of relationship anarchy, accessibility & sitting shiva– Part 4: declaring relationships significance & its accessibility ( April, 2015 ) [ Link: text cw messed-up family stuff and threats of self-harm ]

exploring some “norms” for how people declare relationship significance and how they don’t work for me for my non-romantic, non-sexual relationships ( as an aroace issue ), and connections to other things like inaccessibility

[millenniumfae]

“Asexual activist Yasmin Benoit talks to PinkNews about how she realised she was asexual, why the LGBT community needs to be more inclusive, annoying comments people make about asexuality, and why she’s embracing her asexuality as a proud, black model.“

[salemwitchhunterofficial]

[Yasmin Benoit: You barely see asexual people as it is, let alone a black asexual person.

I am a model and an asexuality activist, and I am an aromantic asexual.

There was never really a time where I didn’t think I was asexual. I noticed when I was about eight and I was in primary school like everyone’s hormones seemed to kick in and all of a sudden the boys and girls didn’t want to just play with each other; they were going out with each other and they fancied each other and I was like, “Alright, what’s this?”

The default is straight so when people would ask me I’d be like “Well I guess I’m straight but I don’t like boys.” And they were like: “Well then you’re probably not straight.” They said: “Well do you like girls?” and I was like “No, I don’t really like anybody.” And they were like: “Well maybe you’re asexual or something?” And I was like “Alright, that sounds good.” So I Googled that and I was like “Yeah, sounds about right.” So when I was about 14, I just started using that word.

I find that most of the time, in my personal life, people just kind of re-interpret it their own way. So I’ll say: “Hey, I’m asexual” and they’ll be like: “Oh ok, so you’re well behaved.” They’ll just switch it. I’ll be like “I’m asexual” and they’ll be like: “Oh, you’ll find the right person, don’t worry” and I’ll be like “That’s not what I said.”

It has nothing to do with being a prude, it has nothing to do with being insecure, and antisocial, and introverted. It has nothing to do with how you look—that’s something I get a lot—people are like: “Oh but you’re good looking, you don’t need to be asexual,” which usually tells me that A) people think that there is an asexual look and that it isn’t a good one, and 2) that asexuality is a choice that people take when they can’t get dates or that they can’t get laid, which is really strange.

One of the benefits of being asexual is definitely that you don’t have to worry about–if you’re aromantic—you really don’t worry about relationship stuff. I know some asexual people do worry about that but I don’t have that problem.

I think that representation is definitely very important because I think the LGBTQIA+ community in general is pretty whitewashed in its representation. That is not only ironic for the community that’s supposed to be so inclusive and diverse if it doesn’t look like that, it’s also counterproductive for minorities that are part of it because it’s kind of seen as being a white thing, which definitely doesn’t help when you are trying to come out and people don’t take it seriously in your community because it’s seen as being this white kid thing.

Even in the LGBTQIA community, I find that people tend to cut out the A or think that the A stands for allies. I notice a lot of the time in organisations or in the media, people only care about the LGBT part and even though they put the plus, they don’t actually acknowledge the plus. But last time I checked the community is about, you know, people that aren’t heteronormative and they don’t fit that and it’s supposed to be inclusive of that. I think that LGBTQIA+ platforms should do a better job of acknowledging what’s in the plus and not just the LGB and the T.]

[this-schist-that-schist]

[elsinore-rose]

“beauty and the beast” where beauty’s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck that and puts on her pants and marches down to the beast’s castle herself

and she’s expecting this horrifying dark fortress but it’s actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture that’s sometimes alive

and she thinks, i can work with this

and the beast comes out and he’s like don’t look at me i am a hideous monster and beauty’s like dude you’re like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding you’re AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride

and he’s like what and she goes around the castle like okay we’ll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook

and the beast is confused because isn’t she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and he’s like uh aren’t you going to try to run away

and beauty’s all are you kidding this is a magic castle i’m going to live here forever

so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and they’re all amazed that she’s alive and her sisters go WHY DIDN’T THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and she’s like nahhh he’s basically just a big cat he’s kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks i’m not looking

and she explains how it’s really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesn’t know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey that’s his hobby y’know i’m not gonna discourage that man

and then one day while beauty’s re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and he’s like hey so this is awkward but are you like………………………………..in love with me……?????????

and beauty’s like oh uh wow haha um sorry no you’re…sort of a tiger

and the beast is like thank goodness because if you were i’d have to turn back into a human and i’ve kind of gotten used to being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason like why would i want to go back to being a spindly little man and then beauty laughs and she’s like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear

and they end up getting married in the end just because it’s easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if he’s not actually a man, and that’s fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers

and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you don’t like my crepes? well you know my husband, who is literally a tiger, loves them and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted

and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again

can that happen

[audkoch-deactivated20190602]

8D

[wordswithkittywitch]

Can we have a whole book of aromantic fairy tales?

[arospecawarenessweek]

Hi there! So I know AroSpec week is coming up and I'm thinking of making a shirt to help out. But I'm kind of nervous because my parents usually see what I wear. Any help on how to explain aromantism?

Oof that’s a toughy. Explaing aromanticism is really a big part of AAW, so this will probably be important for many other arospecs out there looking to show pride and positivity next week.

Here are some posts we’ve already made in hopes of spreading information:

What is… handout info

Basic terms everyone should know for AAW

What is AAW about?

As for really getting into explaining to someone about aromanticism or even coming out, here is a possible set of replies to certain responses that you may use (a lot of which is information also in the links above):

What is aromanticism?Aromanticism is the community of aromantic and aromantic spectrum people. These are people who do not experience romantic attraction like society says everyone does.

Wait, what do you mean? Doesn’t everyone experience romance differently?Yes! but some experience it less commonly than others. Alloromantics are people who experience romantic attraction throughout their lives, sometimes frequently and sometimes only once in a while, but in the end they do not feel othered by society’s views on how people feel romantic attraction (outside of queerphobia).

Aromantics and arospecs are people who do not experience romantic attraction like alloromantics do. This means we experience it weakly, rarely, very briefly or only under certain circumstances, or even not at all. A lot of us grow up feeling broken, infantilized, and generally othered from our alloromantic friends and family and role models thanks to social standards dictating that romance is the key to happiness, that everyone feels romantic attraction and romantic love, and therefore if you don’t feel that like everyone else does then you need to be fixed. There’s a name for that social force: amatonormativity.

So… you guys are emotionless?No! Not experience romantic attraction does not mean we do not experience other attractions (like sexual attraction, platonic, sensual, aesthetic, etc). While a lot of arospecs are also on the asexual spectrum, that does not mean everyone is. And even still, arospec acespecs can feel emotions. We are a diverse community that feels many different ways and express our emotions in different forms. Some of us don’t even feel any attraction at all. Our lack of these attractions does not determine our humanity.

Are you guys just ppl who get rejected all the time?Definitely not! While a lot of us come from alloromantic pasts, we are arospec because of our natural ability (or inability) to experience romantic attraction, NOT because we cannot get a date.

You’ll find someone one day / It’s just a phase / “The Right One”Phase or not, our aromanticism is not invalid just because we may one day change. Right now, we do not experience romantic attraction as alloromantics do. There isn’t any Right One who is going to change our identity. Our identity changes because we develop as we live life. It’s both a natural and environmental development, and it is not to be treated as “just a phase”. This is who we are right now, and this is what helps us understand ourselves.

Nothing you say about this is going to make me change my attitude about your identity. / I don’t believe this.I cannot change your mind for you. All I ask is for you not to talk to me about romantic relationships, make me feel pressured to find romance, or make me otherwise uncomfortable regarding my identity.

You aren’t part of the LGBT+ movement / You aren’t queer / Aren’t you just straight still?We are part of the movement. We are queer. Even if we are heterosexual and arospec, we are queer unless we individually decide otherwise. Our lack of attraction does not make us straight. We are still othered and harmed by queerphobia and a lot of us are part of other queer community. This does not mean we are “more oppressed” than other people in the queer community or that the queer community “oppresses us more than others”. Arophobia is present everywhere, but that does not make us more marginalized than other queer communities. 

Anything about “but you arent aro because…”Regardless of if I once was in a romantic relationship, had crushes in the past, or currently act in ways that you think mean I am not arospec, that does not mean my identity is anything but what I say it is. I am in charge of what I identify as, and I know myself better than you do. I may have been alloromantic in the past, but now I feel better as arospec. I may have been forced to try to be alloromantic because of amatonormativity, as well. Do not tell me who I am.

—

Okay that’s a lot of stuff but I think that covers a lot of stuff people run into when coming out and explaining this stuff. I hope this helps! Please send in more questions if you need more assitance.

~ Tabs

[bigdickwizard]

There's nothing in particular, I just like stories of people who have long fulfilling relationships, so whatever you want to say is fine!

lol well i don’t really know what to say.  superficially it’s pretty much like a lot of other marriages, just with a lot less lovey-doveyness on my part.  actually i wrote a post about being aro + married on another account that i’m just gonna c/p here because it’s basically what i’d be trying to say anyway:

I think a ten-year marriage isn’t something most people would associate with aromanticism.  Honestly, the fact that I was in a long-term relationship was the major inhibitor in the realization of my identity.  "Of course I feel romantic attraction,“ I thought, “I love my husband”.  It’s only recently that I began to re-examine what aromanticism is and what it means for a person like me.

I’ve never considered myself a “lovey-dovey” type of person.  I categorized myself as “not a cuddler” and never examined it too closely.  Touch is something that, to me, is reserved mostly for sensual situations or as a lead-up to something more sexual.  I don’t see the appeal of holding hands, sometimes I’m not much of a hugger and I absolutely do not enjoy cuddling unless there’s maybe some groping involved.  This alone was never enough to set off “you are aromantic!!!” red flags.  It was, however, an occasional point of contention between my husband and I.  He’s a pretty tactile person who enjoys casual touch and, though he might not admit it, snuggling up together.  That sort of thing was always something I put up with because I love him, but never something I’d actively seek out or initiate.

The biggest catalyst for me realizing my aromanticism came when we were having an argument where my husband told me, “you know, sometimes I feel like we’re just best friends who live together and have sex”.  I thought, “yeah, isn’t it great?”  I mean, that’s what romantic love is for a lot of people, right?  What could be missing from that?  It got me thinking, though.  What is the difference between romantic love and a best-friendship?  I love my husband.  I love to spend time with him, have new experiences together, relax together, talk, joke, and to do nice things for him.  Then again, I can say all of those exact things about my best friend and they’re all equally true.  I love my best friend fiercely.  The only difference I can find is that I don’t want to have sex with my best friend.  So what’s missing?  After all, alloromantic asexual people feel a romantic attraction to someone that’s different from a platonic friendship, without sexual attraction being the defining factor.  So what is the defining factor?

The internet was no help.  Most of the posts I found when researching this question were from aromantic people who weren’t and never had been in relationships, many of whom were repulsed by romantic love.  I’m not (usually) repulsed by romance (my fanfic addiction reassures me of that), though I do have a low tolerance for cheesy gratuitous declarations of love, etc.  Romance-repulsion was what I pictured in my head as the definition of aromanticism.  I thought maybe I was demi- or grey-romantic.  I really didn’t find much that was of use to me, so I started looking to what I know of myself and my history.

I’ve been accused in the past of being cold and distant in a relationship, despite being an enthusiastic and loving friend.  I’ve been called a slut, which was clearly prompted by the combination of my being bisexual and aromantic.  I’ve never really had a non-sexual crush on someone that extended beyond wanting to be their friend.  I still am not really sure exactly what that might consist of, honestly, but coming to terms with aromanticism made me feel like those things are okay.  I’m not weird or broken or an emotionless robot.

Being aromantic doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t want to be in a relationship with a romantic person or that it will never work out.  Love doesn’t have to follow just one definition, be it romantic love, platonic love, or something in between.  I love as much as anyone else–I just love differently.

i dunno if that’s the type of elaboration you were hoping for from me, but feel free to ask me any other questions you might have!

[arospecawarenessweek]

Helpful answers

➹ This post is subject to change: please go to the original post to check for edits. Some older post still use allo | last updated: June 12, 2015 ➹

Aro research

➳ Aro Research / warning text heavy & long post

Attraction =/= behavior

➳ Attraction =/= behavior explination / warning long post & text heavy

➳ Examples of attraction =/= behavior with aro

Umbrella terms

➳ Why use umbrella terms? / warning ranting

➳ Grey umbrella

➳ Aro spectrum explanation / warning long post

Usage of quasi

➳ Quasi as an umbrella

➳ Quasi as an identity

Usage of grey

➳ Grey as an umbrella term

➳ Why use grey?

➳ Grey as an identity

Aro Vauge

➳ Aro vauge identities

➳ Post on neurodiversity

Romance repulsion

➳ Romance repulsed sometimes?

➳ Zed?

➳ Romantic attraction and romance repulsed? 

Helpful terms that aren’t orientations

➳ Identities

➳  Alterous

➳ Soft romo

➳ Soft romo relationship

➳ Qpr and Qpp

➳ Aromate

➳ Aromate vs qpr?

➳ Peach fuzz

➳ Post rubor

➳ Aroamory

➳ Aroamory vs aromantic?

➳ Nonamory / warning not our link

➳ Alterous and quasi crushes

➳ Crushes for types of attraction

Facing arophobia/amatonormativity

➳ Comfort through the community

➳ Misconception about aros

➳ Zedsexual aros

➳ Community

➳ Slam poetry

Coming out

➳ Information on aros / warning long post & text heavy

➳ Further explanation / warning text heavy

➳ Coming out to family

➳ Coming out to family part 2 

➳ Can I undo coming out?

Young aros

➳ Am I too young to be valid?

➳ When is too young? 

➳ Am I aro or inexperienced?

➳ Change

Adult aros

➳ Growing up

➳ Fighting amatonormativity / warning long post &  text heavy

➳ Getting married and having kids

➳ Having children / warning text heavy

Exploring types of attraction

➳ Types of attraction

➳ What different types of attractions feel like 

➳  Comic explaining different types of attractions / warning nudity

➳ Type of attraction crushes

➳ What type of attraction am I feeling?

➳ Can attraction hurt?

➳  What is romantic love? Sidenote: There is a tag for this

➳  Romantic attraction / warning sex mention & sexual attraction

➳ Romantic attraction and romance repulsed?

➳ Romantic attraction going with sexual attraction

➳  Romantic attraction toward fictional characters   

➳  Platonic love 

➳  Sensual attraction 

➳  Squishes toward different people

➳ How to tell your squish you like them?

➳ Smush vs. lust

➳ Romantic attraction influencing sexual attraction

➳ Can I use zed terms like bi or homo in front of aro terms like lithro or cupio 

➳  Gender influnces attraction? 

Exploring relationships

➳ Soft romo relationship

➳ Qpr

➳ Qpr vs. soft romo

➳ Why have queer in qpr?

➳ Does wanting a qpr change my orientation?

➳ Qpr checklist Sidenote: Not our linke

➳  Can only aros have qpr’s

➳ Sex with qpr’s

➳  Jealousy in non-romantic relationships

➳ Polyamorous relationships and aro?

➳ Heartbroken from non-romantic relationships?

➳ A perfect date for a lithromantic

➳ Am I still aro if I’m in a romantic relationship?

➳ Supporting aros in a relationship

➳  Should I date someone?

➳ Challenges in relationships

➳ Questions to think about before coming out

➳ How to bring up aromanticism to my partner

➳ Should I tell my partner I’m aro?

➳ Supporting an aro partner

➳ How to break up with a zed

➳ Rejecting zeds 

➳ How to respond to I love you

[arospecawarenessweek]

I have a question. What is romantic love? I might be aro but every time I look it up it just says: people without romantic attraction. But what /is/ romantic attraction in the first place? I could really use some answers.

LAUGHWEEZE anon i wish i could accurately tell you what it is

I once described romantic attraction as a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It’s thoughts filling your head about someone and instead of the feeling you get for friends, you get a fuzzy, cozy feeling inside that you don’t know if is a good thing or a bad thing. It can even make you nautious or feel nervous. But I’ve also experienced this for sexual attraction, so?? its probs not accurate. Not to mention I’m arospec and am constantly wondering if I ever really experienced romantic attraction or just sensual/sexual attraction + qp attraction.

Romantic love is love that is based in romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is the urge or pull to someone with the desire to be romantically involved with them, which may include a romantic relationship or other romantic behaviors (those of which you personally feel are romantic, which can be influenced by society’s views on romantic gestures).

In other words, based on the definition above, romantic attraction is just… there for some people. People who experience romantic attraction just know what it is, which makes it hard for ppl who don’t to figure it out since no one really knows how to explain it rather than “you just know”.

Romantic love is like, the love that comes out of that attraction. I’m platonically in love with my aromate, and that’s stemmed from a history of platonic attraction and emotional bonding in a platonic relationship. So I imagine it works similarly for romantic stuff??

If anyone has a better way to explain this please do… or point us out to ppl who can.

~ Tabs

[arospecawarenessweek]

So my partner is ace and aro. We make love, hang out, are monogamous, and talk about very serious topics. He says he loves me, but not in the romantic way. Can you describe that kind of love for me? I am romantic and I don't understand.

Hey allonon, you came to the right place c: I’ll also link you to other blogs you can check out to look more into this stuff if you want to, but that’ll be at the end.

Some people say that even though aromantics don’t experience romantic attraction, they can still love someone romantically. Since he specifically said he doesn’t love you in a romantic fashion, then my next guess is he loves you in a platonic fashion. This might not fit, though, because he may feel something that isn’t platonic or romantic.

Personally, I believe there’s a love that is different from platonic love but isn’t necessarily romantic love either. There’s kind of a restriction when it comes to how we talk about love. Love is very difficult to define because it’s present in so many ways and there are so many types of love. There tends to be the three examples “how you love your family, how you love your friends, and how you love your romantic partner” but that isn’t all there is either. There’s a spectrum of love, just like gender and orientation. You can love one friend a certain way and then love another friend a different way, but you still love them equally.

Take a look at this:

[ Image description: a green equilateral triangle with the points labeled “Liking - Intimacy”, “Infatuation - Passion”, “Empty Love - Commitment” and the sides labeled respectively “Romantic Love - Passion + Intimacy”, “Companionate - Intimacy + Commitment”, and “Fatuous Love - Passion + Commitment”, as well as the middle of the triangle labeled “Consummate Love - Intimacy + Passion + Commitment” ]

This is based off of Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, from this article. You’re free to read the article itself but it can come off as super amatonormative so read with caution (esp aro followers who are reading this).

For the most part I’ll talk about what the article says here, but hopefully in a way that isn’t as amatonormative.

There are three main components of love, which are…

Intimacy – The feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, trust, and bondedness

Passion – The excitement of the relationship, which is often connected to limerence (infatuation), attraction, and arousal

Commitment – The decision to stay with this person and continue investing in the relationship by sharing decisions, experiences, and adjustments

These are the points of the triangle in the picture above. Depending on which components are included in your love for someone, it can be called different things. The article I linked above contains a list of labels for the different combinations, but I would say it’s up to debate what they should be named. These names are the labels on the triangle sides and middle.

Your partner may love you in a fashion that does not possess the arousal or limerence of the passion component of love, but does contain the commitment and intimacy components. This is still extremely valid and as much of love as any other combination is, unlike how the article makes it sound.

For less “technical” ways of talking about this: consider the type of love felt toward a best friend. While there is no romantic or sexual attraction to them, you still are pulled toward them in affectionate and emotional ways. You may express your feelings in different ways, some even traditionally romantic-coded ways such as cuddles and hugs or loving tones and consideration for them. 

Now imagine wanting to step up and commit to being with that best friend and making it a special relationship that you do not share with others. You may have at first felt platonic attraction toward them, but now that you’re already this close it’s replaced by this warm emotion that reads as love. You are not romantic, you are not just platonic either. You love each other in a way that you don’t love other friends.

I’m not saying you do not have a romantic relationship with your partner, but this is my best way around explaining it to you and avoiding romantic attraction.

For more resources, here are some other places to check out:

Queerplatonic Relationship “Word of the day” post

Handy words for people questioning if they’re aromantic

You might be aromantic if…

Aromanticism powerpoint

And more blogs:

qpadvice

anagnori < Hiatus but plenty of resources

ace-aro-pirates

aromanticaardvark

aromanticadvice

artemis-the-aro-ace-goddess

This is about as much as I can do to help you understand, allonon. I’m really glad you came to us to ask this, and I hope I’ve helped at all. If not, you can always keep asking us about this on or off anon, or you can contact one of the above blogs for more information as well.

~ Tabs

[thrillerwillroll]

Are You Still Asexual or Aromantic If?

This is a great article so I wanted to post it here, please note that it comes from The Thinking Asexual I do not own it

You Can Be Asexual and Still:

masturbate

choose to have sex in a romantic relationship to please your partner

orgasm or otherwise experience physical pleasure from sexual stimulation

experience romantic attraction and romantic love

get married

want children or have children

recognize that other people are physically attractive

consume porn in any and all formats, for the purpose of arousal + masturbation

be okay with having partnered sex

emotionally, psychologically, and/or physically enjoy partnered sex

have kinks and/or fetishes, including BDSM

be polyamorous, ethically nonmonogamous, or relationship anarchist

have a mental illness

have a physical illness or disability

be a survivor of sexual assault

have absolutely no sexual experience whatsoever

have a lot of sexual experience

be a sex worker

want others to find you attractive

love kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands, massages, co-sleeping, dancing with a partner, and other forms of nonsexual physical intimacy

have sexual fantasies that you would never actually try out in real life

have sex dreams

experience genital arousal

have a libido (sex drive), including a moderate or high libido

experience deep, intense, or passionate emotion

experience love (romantic or nonromantic) in a very emotional way

be willing or interested in experimenting with sex, to see what it’s like

enjoy flirting

support sexual freedom for other people

The only thing you need to figure out to determine if you’re asexual or not is the answer to the following questions:

Do you experience sexual attraction to other people? (Sexual attraction being an involuntary sexual interest in others/directed desire to have sex with other people.) Do you feel an innate need and/or desire for partnered sex that may or may not be expressed in attractions to a specific gender or genders?

If the answer to those questions is no, you are asexual. Nothing else is relevant to being asexual, one way or another.

Please note that a majority of asexuals are sex-repulsed, will not have sex, don’t want to or feel comfortable with having sex, and would experience sex as something distressing, traumatic, or boring. Some asexuals do not masturbate, have no sex drive, don’t experience orgasms, don’t experience arousal, have little to no sexual experience, and have never been sexually abused or assaulted.

The only thing all asexuals have in common with each other is not experiencing sexual attraction to other people or a need for partnered sex.

You Can Be Aromantic and Still:

want a primary partnership that involves commitment, prioritization, exclusivity, life enmeshment, cohabitation, etc

choose to participate in romantic relationships with people who are romantically interested in you

want or have kids

be a sexual person (straight, gay, bi, pan, queer)

practice polyamory or other forms of ethical nonmonogamy

get married, whether in the context of a romantic or nonromantic relationship

enjoy consuming romantic media (movies, TV shows, books, songs, stories, etc)

want and enjoy kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands, massages, co-sleeping, dancing, and other forms of nonsexual intimacy–whether with your friends in general or with a specific partner

experience deep, intense, passionate, and/or very emotional love

have strong and/or deep feelings in general

be sensitive

have gender preferences for nonromantic/nonsexual partners and/or intimate friends

experience jealousy over your partner or your friends

have your heart broken

want to be important to other people

engage in emotional intimacy + desire emotional intimacy

have a mental illness

have a physical illness or disability

be a survivor of sexual assault

be a survivor of abusive romantic relationships

want a monogamous queerplatonic partnership

enjoy flirting

enjoy giving or receiving gestures of love and affection, whether in friendship or partnership (including romantically-coded gestures, like flower bouquets or love poems and letters, etc)

be a warm, friendly, extroverted person

enjoy seeing other people in romantic relationships

The only thing you have to figure out to determine whether or not you’re aromantic is the answer to this question:

Do you feel romantic attraction to other people? Do you experience an involuntary desire or need to be in romantic relationships? Do you romantically fall in love with others, in a way that is distinct from other emotional attachments you form with friends and family?

If the answer to those questions is no, then you’re aromantic. Nothing else is relevant to aromanticism, one way or another.

Please note that many aromantics are romance-repulsed and cannot tolerate or really don’t enjoy being in romantic relationships or being the object of someone’s romantic attraction. Some don’t want any kind of partner at all. Some don’t want children and would never marry anyone in any context. Some don’t even want a queerplatonic friend/partner. Some aros hate physical affection, don’t experience strong emotion, and are introverted with a low need for social interaction.

The only thing that all aros have in common with each other is not experiencing romantic feelings or romantic love.

[aro-aceplace]

It’s okay if you’re only touch averse some of the time 

It’s okay if your touch aversion only applies to some types of physical contact 

It’s okay if your touch aversion only applies to some parts of  your body 

It’s okay if your touch aversion only applies to some people 

It’s okay if your touch aversion doesn’t apply to some people

It’s okay if your touch aversion is dependent on your mood 

You’re valid. Your touch aversion is valid. You deserve to have your boundaries respected whether your touch aversion is consistent or not.   

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

The Desert Sun was Never Cold

There are many stories told of princesses, each described as the most elegant, the most beautiful princess who had ever lived. None of these stories are true, for the most beautiful princess who ever lived is, without a doubt, the desert Princess Sun.

From the moment Sun was born she has been graced with the gift of beauty, her skin is black and pure, her dark hair thick and coiled, eyes so brown you would believe they were born of the earth, and kissed by the sun with flecks of gold.

As Princess Sun grows, so too does her beauty and grace, sun gifted vitiligo on her skin growing and strengthening as she ages. Strangers travel the harsh desert of her homeland just to gaze upon her, and bring gifts to earn her favour. All those who come wish to be the one to receive a royal kiss from the Princess’ own perfect lips.

Sun is kind and gracious, she will offer food, drink and shelter to those who travel to greet her, but never will she offer a kiss. Some will plead and beg, others bargain and bribe, but not a single soul is able to pry the much yearned kiss from the lips of the world’s most beautiful princess.

“It is a silly tradition,” Sun will tell her servants, “A kiss will not heal them of their weariness, a kiss will not fill their bellies or dry their parched mouths. I offer them something they should value far more for their efforts and still they remain stubborn for the touch of my flesh upon theirs. I refuse to take part in such a useless exchange.”

A palace guard risks his life for hers and is refused a kiss, but offered medicine and a life of ease in the palace. A magician saves her people from a frightful Monster of the Sand, she too is refused a kiss, and instead given gold and jewels and rare herbs for her potions. Princess Sun gives only what is deserved and what is needed, she gives generously, her people love her, her people respect her, and yet-

“The Sun is cold,” her people say. “I hear she has never loved, she has never embraced another, never even touched another. She is generous in spirit but she is cold of heart.”

They pity their princess, incapable of love, cursed to be forever alone without a soulmate to complete her. They mean well, but Sun loathes the whispers. She is not cursed, she is not incomplete, but she is lonely.

She is loved by all and befriended by none, those she meet want her kisses, they want her devotion, they want her to bear their children, they do not want her unless they can have her lips or her hand or her womb, all things Sun is unwilling to give.

“I do not understand,” she says to her servants, “I give them all that they need and they ask only for parts of my body. How can my body give them the pleasure of a soft bed, or a fine wine? What pleasures can my body give them that riches and jewels cannot buy? I do not understand.”

Her servants say nothing, they understand the pleasures of the body that Sun has never craved, but these are not things to be spoken of to a Princess.

Things change with the presence of a new visitor to the palace. His pale skin is wrinkled and sallow, face gaunt, eyes sunken and back bent, he appears simultaneously bloated and withered. The servants fetch Princess Sun immediately and she hastens to greet the ill foreigner.

“I have not long in this world to live,” he rasps. “Please, all I ask of you Princess is a kiss, a kiss from your own beautiful lips to ease my pain.”

“Nonsense,” says Sun. “You are not in need of a kiss, you are in need of medicine and herbs and rest. My servants will take you to a room of your own, you will have your own personal healer and food and drink delivered to your bed.”

The old man clutches his chest in pain, “But my lady! I have come all this way at the end of my life just to gaze upon you, and you will not even ferry me to the afterlife with the touch of your soft lips upon my cheek?”

Sun feels pity for the man, in his state she knows he may not last the night, but she cannot accept his request, he is ill and perhaps diseased, were she to kiss him she may become sick herself and she would not risk her own health for the sake of a simple useless gesture.

“I am sorry I cannot grant your request, but I can give you comfort, my most beautiful guest room and the finest foods you can eat. If my healers fail you and you pass into the afterlife this night, you will pass on in luxury.”

In the great arched entrance of the royal palace the hideous old beggar transforms. In his place there is a stunningly beautiful young man encased within a whirlwind of pure light, his hair is like spun gold and the blue of the sky dances in his eyes.

He points a slim, delicate finger encrusted in shimmering jewels at the stunned Princess.

“You believe your wealth to be of more worth to an old dying man than a simple gesture of love and warmth. The Sun of this kingdom truly is cold. You do not deserve the beauty you flaunt in the faces of all those who adore you, those you bring the hope of love and then snatch away in exchange for mere trinkets! You are a heartless beast!”

As the servants cower before this shining Sorcerer in his otherworldly beauty, Sun stands firm. A scowl on her lips and the flare of her namesake in her eyes, she is no helpless waif and she will not be intimidated.

“I offered you comfort and medicine!” Sun’s voice echoes through the halls of the palace. “I offered an old beggar the luxury of passing on in peace with the chance to live another day, a chance to keep his flame alight! Most paupers could only dream of such a way to pass! How dare you liken this gift to a mere ‘trinket’! Were I a princess of any other kingdom I would have granted you your precious kiss and left you on the street to DIE! And yet you call ME heartless?!”

The Sorcerer’s soft, pink lips pull up in a sneer. “I see you will not easily learn your lesson Cold Sun. It will take more than my words to prove to you the meaning of a tender loving touch to one in need.”

“Don’t preach false lessons to me Sorcerer,” Sun spits. “You come into my home a liar, here to steal my intimacy through trickery and now that you’ve failed you claim a higher morality to save your ego. I see right through you Sorcerer, you are no more than a selfish, deceitful, entitled BRAT.”

The Sorcerer’s face hardens in fury, his magic lashing out and twisting around Sun, grabbing at her with golden hands of light, fingers clawing and grasping until not even a strand of the Princess’ dark hair is visible under the blinding light of the strange magic.

“YOU HAVE MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE THIS DAY COLD SUN, FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD YOU WILL REGRET EVERY KISS YOU NEVER GAVE, FOR NO HUMAN ON THIS EARTH WILL EVER LOOK UPON YOU WITH LOVE AGAIN. NEVER WILL YOUR KISSES BE COVETED, NEVER WILL YOUR HAND BE SOUGHT AFTER. YOUR BODY WILL REFLECT WHO YOU TRULY ARE INSIDE, A COLD, HEARTLESS BEAST.”

As the Sorcerer’s magic peels away, the palace guards and servants look on in horror as a creature unlike anything they have ever seen is revealed in the place of their beloved princess.

Knotted locks of dull, tangled hair covers her large, hulking body, standing on all fours her sharp claws dig into the marble floor as she shakes off the tattered remains of her fine clothing. A ragged tail cuts sharply through the air as Sun rears her head, flicking a matted black mane off of her beastly snout and ghastly twisted horns.

All that remains of the beautiful Princess are the sun kissed markings upon her deformed face, and the bright flecks of gold within the black beads of her monstrous eyes.

The twisted beastly lioness turns to face her servants as they run in terror, pointed ears twitching at the sound of the Sorcerer’s manic laughter. Before she can leap upon him he disappears, leaving in his wake an enormous pulsing heart of molten flame. It hovers in the centre of the palace hall, shifting shape and shooting off tendrils of fire with every beat.

A mocking voice echoes through the palace doors, “If you fail to find someone who will look upon your monstrous form and willingly place a kiss to your beastly snout before the heart grows cold, then, and only then, will my spell be broken. It is your turn to yearn for a tender touch that will never come.”

Sun roars. She roars in anger, she roars in despair, she roars in outrage at this unfair curse undeservingly placed upon her. She has no lesson to learn, she has done nothing but show kindness and generosity to all who graced her halls, and still it is not enough, it has NEVER been enough.

She refuses to be punished for the greed of the Sorcerer, she refuses to bow to his whim and search for one who will kiss her, she has never wanted such things and this new beastly form will not change that for her now.

If she is to be this way forever, so be it.

Her servants quickly abandon the palace, guards blockade the front gates to keep the monster inside. Sun knows that she could easily jump the outer walls but she thinks better of it, her people are terrified of her, her presence would insight only violence and panic among them. She stays inside the palace, wondering what to do next, she no longer has a village to run, no diplomats to meet, no treasury to organise, no future to plan for.

Sun cannot remember a time where she had so little to do, so she sleeps.

Her claws tear up the fine silken sheets and her heavy mass collapses the bed frame, but she hardly notices once she lays her great maned head down to slumber. Sun does not dream, the fate of her village and her people does not come to her mind, all of her stress and worries simply melt away, but she cannot sleep forever.

When she wakes and finds herself unable to grasp the calming nothingness of her deep slumber once again, she concedes to the waking world. Lifting herself upon her large legs she walks the palace grounds. She has not eaten yet she feels no hunger or thirst, and so cannot use such needs to distract her, boredom settles upon her quickly and Sun begins her search for entertainment. She avoids the palace entrance, and the large pulsing heart of fire within.

Word spreads through the village fast, “The Princess has become a beast!” they say, “Cursed by a Sorcerer, only a kiss will free her!”

The palace guards stay by the gates for days, they stay as the people flee to neighbouring villages, wishing to keep their children safe from the monster behind the palace walls. The beast makes no move to escape, but every so often the guards will hear the heavy footfalls of the creature shuffling through the gardens and they remain in place. Their princess would have wanted it.

As days pass the village degrades, most left the day the curse was laid, others followed slowly as resources dwindled and looted homes become empty of valuables. The guards are the last to leave, ensuring that no one has been left behind.

Sun wakes one morning to silence from outside the walls. In her boredom she had circled the grounds, listening to the guards chatting outside. She recognised most of them by voice, she had considered many of them friends after all, but her friendship had always been one-sided. She could speak freely to them, but they could never speak freely to her, it had always been that way. Sun will miss listening to them talk casually amongst themselves.

Years pass and the princess swiftly runs out of ways to keep herself occupied and the palace begins to fall apart with neglect, her library is useless to her when her claws tear apart any book she sets her paws on, the gardens become more and more overrun with weeds every day, the once beautiful golden sheen of the palace walls become dulled without regular cleaning. Floors begin to crack under Sun’s immense weight, many narrow doorways are destroyed when she tries to fit through them. Parts of the palace roof and walls degrade quickly from her daily climbs up to watch the sun rise and set over the dunes.

Though she does not require food Sun still eats from the overgrown trees and vines from her once impeccable garden and leaps over the walls to reach the large oasis that her servants would fetch water from to deliver to the castle so long ago. She had never visited the large lake herself before she was cursed, but she now does so regularly, as splashing through the water feels wonderful on her thick, dark fur.

With every year that passes, Sun forgets more and more of her human life as she falls into the nature of a beast, hunting rodents and small critters through the empty streets of the village, sharpening her claws on the remains of sandstone walls. Chasing and pouncing upon the surviving abandoned livestock for sport, eating only out of boredom than any real need for food, more interested in chewing on the bones left behind.

There is hardly a shred of Princess left in the beast that roams the neglected desert kingdom, and the Cold Sun lords over the grounds with eyes of pure gold and a heart that no longer feels.

Until the day comes when a stranger enters her palace.

She is small and weak, young and fragile. Damp from a dip in the oasis but the smell of unwashed clothes and many days of travel still cling to her skin. Sun stalks the malnourished waif through the ruined village, watching as she raids old stalls and homes in search of something. Food? Treasures? The girl’s search leads her to the palace, she climbs over loose stones through a break in the dilapidated wall and enters the great doors.

Sun, focused on the hunt, follows the girl, she forgets that she has not been inside the entrance hall in many many years, she forgets why she has been avoiding this place for so long, she forgets until she looks upon the great heart slowly pulsing in the centre of the room. Every beat sends a weak tongue of flame flickering through the cracks of the icy skin that has grown around it. Heat shimmers below the cold armour, splashing the walls with eerily beautiful patterns of light.

Sun remembers.

The Sorcerer, the curse, her Palace, her people. Sun is a princess, Sun is a leader, Sun is a woman who cares deeply and gives generously. Sun is not a beast, Sun is not cold like the heart before her. Sun is not cold. Sun is NOT cold.

“Sun is not cold.” her great, gravelly voice echoes through the chamber.

The ragged girl, entranced by the heart before her, quickly turns to find she is not alone. Sun can see the fear on her face, she can smell it in the air, it sickens her.

“Do not be afraid child.” Sun sits on her haunches, tail sweeping lazy across the grand marble floor. “I mean you no harm.”

“You are the Great Beast,” the girl says. “I believed you to be a story, a legend to frighten away thieves.”

“Are you a thief?” asks Sun.

“No! I am not here to steal treasures! I simply seek shelter from the harsh desert winds.”

The girl’s skin is rough, her eyes and lips are red, chapped and raw, but there is also hunger in her narrow emaciated face. Sun knows it was not merely the promise of shelter that brought her here.

“Did not the temptation of my lush gardens draw you in? Did you not hope to find food behind the palace walls?”

“I had no intention of theft Great Beast! I did hope to perhaps find food in your garden, but now I know this garden has not been abandoned, and so I will not take from it. Unless you would allow me? I have little to trade but I will give you everything I have for a night’s rest and a full belly.”

Sun thinks. She thinks of the curse and the girl and a trade. A kiss on her beastly snout for a night of rest and respite. The heart is close to frozen, she has little time left, it is a fair trade is it not?

Sun shakes her wild mane in disgust. Never in her life has she asked a price for food and comfort, she has given freely to all those in need who have graced her halls, she refuses to change now. Curse be damned. The Sorcerer’s magic heart can grow as cold as the lands of the far north for all she cares, for her own heart will always be warm as the desert sands, warm as the great celestial being she was named for.

Sun does not need a kiss to prove so.

“The palace and gardens are yours to roam at your leisure, the garden’s spoils and the water of the oasis are yours to gorge yourself on as you please. I need only look upon you to see that you have lived a life of poverty and pain, so know that for as long as you remain here, you will be cared for. I will give you all that you need, child.”

The girl’s face is clear with suspicion. “Do you intend to fatten me up to eat me?” she asks.

Sun laughs, a mighty roar of a laugh that sends the short, black hairs on the young girl’s neck standing straight. Her blazing eyes soften to a comforting dark brown, only subtle flecks of their previous gold shining through.

“Child, of food I have plenty. Of company, I have only you.”

The girl, though still weary of the beast, does not turn up her nose at the generous offer. She feasts upon the sweet fruits of the garden, returns to fill her water-skin at the oasis when it runs dry, and the Great Beast simply sits and watches, leaving her side only once to return with the leg of a large, hoofed animal for her dinner. The young girl sleeps in the most comfortable, luxurious bed she has ever laid eyes on that night, pleasantly surprised to find that she has not been eaten in the morning.

The girl does not leave the next day as planned, never has she been so comfortable and well fed, never has she had such a pick of fine, though dusty, clothes to wear, never has she had someone look over her with such generosity and care.

“If the Great Beast truly wishes to fatten me up and eat me,” she thinks to herself, “perhaps I won’t mind if it means living my last days like this.”

The girl does not merely spend days living alongside the Great Beast, she stays a much longer time. Every day she wakes fearing her generous host less and less, she passes time telling stories of her travels, the places she’s seen and the many languages she speaks. For a girl so young she has been through so much, and she is grateful to have a place to rest and feel safe.

“My name is Acacia.” the girl says one night as she lays against her friend’s great black hide, decorating her mane with tidy, twists and braids.

“You may call me Sun.” the beast says in return.

During daily visits to the lake they both romp and play in the water, splashing and roughhousing before drying off in the desert heat. Acacia helps Sun brush the clinging sand from her fur, and in return Sun will lick the sand from Acacia’s own short locks of hair.

Acacia spend the years teaching Sun the many songs and rhymes she has learned in all her languages, Sun teaches Acacia how to hunt and track and kill large prey. The two run together through the dunes, chasing the wind and challenging the sandstorms, for they know that no force on this earth can take them down when they ride together.

One day Acacia ask, “How is it that you became a beast? Stories tell of a curse, that you were changed for being cold of heart, but I can hardly believe such a lie about one so warm and loving.”

“Those who hold magic are not always deserving of their power,” says Sun. “The curse is what froze my heart dear Acacia. It is you who reminded me of it’s warmth again.”

“Is it true you can be saved with a kiss?” Acacia asks. “You have done so much for me, if a kiss is what is required to end your curse I will gladly give it.”

“Thank you my child,” says Sun as she bows her great head. “But I have no reason to return to my mortal form. My spirit has grown too large for the skin I once wore, and to accept a curse as a gift is a greater insult to a Sorcerer than playing his game and breaking it.”

Sun laughs to herself and nuzzles the young girl’s hair with her great snout, Acacia responds with a scratch behind her friend’s large ear, she does not ask about the curse again. The flames within the magical heart flutter with one last beat before finally succumbing to the icy cold of the Sorcerer’s spell.

Sun, enveloped by the warmth of Acacia’s love and friendship, does not even notice.

In time Sun knows her friend will grow old and pass away, but they have many many years to spend together before such a tragedy befalls her, and in that time Sun hopes that others will come to the old palace, others who may be seeking food and shelter. They will find all that they need here in this forgotten desert village, as they always have and always will, because despite what all the stories say;

The desert Sun was never Cold.

–

oh my god this is so long I’m so sorry but the tumblr app dOESN’T LET YOU USE READ MORES AND I WROTE IT ON MY IPAD AAAA

*cough* so here’s my spin on aromantic, asexual Beauty and the Beast, take care to notice my own aro ace ass projected literally everywhere and also my love for giant monsters mothering tiny humans, also changed the working title from The Cold Sun because The Desert Sun was Never Cold resonated stronger with me 😎👌✨

SOME VISUAL NOTES: Sun’s looks are loosely based on Canadian model Winnie Harlow, (vitiligo yo it’s gorgeous) the setting is loosely based in North Africa, you can basically assume everyone but nobody’s-favourite-blue-eyed-blond-haired-asshole-Sorcerer are POC

Sun’s beast form is like a huge mix between a lion and a Tibetan Mastiff and I want to cuddle her SO MUCH and Acacia you will be braiding that mane all fucking day if you aren’t careful there is a lot of hair to work with and Sun will just sit there and let you do it

man but yeah, I wanted this story to highlight the importance of not assuming asexual people are unfeeling robots, and how we need love and attention just as much as any other person, we just don’t need the sexual and/or romantic kind of love and attention, and that doesn’t make us cold or selfish and ngl we are all secretly giant lions on the inside don’t tell anyone

[rotten-zucchinis]

Notes on “types of attractions as orientations” Part 2: problems of orientation *independence*

This is the second part of that thing I started writing for the October 2015 Carnival of Aces.  Edit: The “round-up” is now available [ here ].

TLDR: 

This extreme emphasis on separating aromanticism from asexuality just doesn’t work for some people: asexuality and aromanticism are not independent things– they are not equivalent but they are also not independent. The same applies to other kinds of attractions… and this discourse of “there are X types of attraction / X ( independent ) orientations” often misses the point. Example illustrating with a pink ball and a rocking chair how it misses the point. 

Problems with the split orientation model are really problems with the independent orientation model ( with its roots in homonormative neoliberal identity politics ). So, let’s get back to the wonkiness of people’s lived experience where sometimes things like aromanticism and asexuality will be be part and parcel of the same thing… and sometimes they won’t.

Part 1 re: neoliberal identity politics [ text ]

Part 3 re: QP relationships and / not platonic attraction [ text ]

Keep reading

[obstinaterixatrix]

*everything* that’s considered romantic has been conditioned by society, it’s performative, like the emotion can be genuine but romantic *gestures* are a societal construct, chocolates, flowers, rings, there’s no inherent act of romance, the purest form of what is conceptualized as “romance” can probably be boiled down to emotion + intent, and the manifestation of that combo’s gonna be different for everyone

an action evoked from a feeling of adoration and the need to express it can be constrained by what society provides, but once it’s made irrelevant the meaning becomes tailored to those experiencing it; someone giving fancy chocolates to their s.o. because it’s ‘the thing to do’ can’t measure up to someone giving the chocolates because they know their s.o. thinks the boxes are nice and really likes hazelnut fillings, same gesture, but former lacks ‘inherent’ romance because romance isn’t ‘inherent’, the later has a standard approach but it goes beyond what’s considered ‘romantic’

[thenearsightedmicroraptor]

Hello I am a big fan of Obstinaterixatrix’ Romance Meta and I’m just gonna add to this bc it’s a good post.

I feel like what makes the difference between something being romantic and something being What Society Says Is Romance is the connection between people.

Let’s say two people arrive on my doorstep. One of them has a bouquet of expensive roses from the florist. The other one has a dead bird in a plastic bag. We all know which one is to be considered the romantic gift (hint: it’s not the corpse)

And it’s not like I don’t like flowers or am allergic or anything, I would probably be flattered. But I have no connection to roses, and like, you can give roses to more or less anyone

Dead birds are not a standard gift, for pretty obvious reasons. A person bringing me a corpse in a plastic bag had to know me well enough to know that I collect bones and process them myself, and you don’t go shopping for birds in the Dead Bird Shop around the corner, so that means this person didn’t go out with the intent of getting me something and came back with an Appropriate Gift, they probably stumbled across something and thought about me (this ‘something’ just so happens to be a dead bird, because I’m weird) And then they had to go through the process of picking this bird up and bagging it and bringing it to me, probably pretty spontaneously and without a calendar event that says Find Dead Bird For Raptor with a timeslot between three and four pm.

You can’t have Corpse I Found In a Ditch be romantic without some sort of connection here. Roses can be romantic, but it can also just, be a formula. Two plos Two Equals Romance. A shortcut for ‘I care about you‘, even though the person might …. not, actually.

If it’s someone who loves fresh flowers in their home but rarely has the money to buy large arrangements, or like OP’s example where person A gets the chocolates because they know their s.o. thinks the boxes are super cute, then we have Standard Romantic Actions actually be romantic, but they might as well not be.

This is where my squad has the joke of someone posting a picture of a dead rat to the skype chat and goes ‘Raptor I saw this and thought of you‘ and I go -exaggerated gasping noise- “how dare you blatantly flirt with me right in front of my girlfriend“ from (and also THIS JOKE that bunch of people were confused about). Because there’s INTEREST and CONNECTION there. They’re obviosuly not actually trying to steal me from my gf, but there is a human connection and a knowledge of who I am and what I want to be associated with. The humor then comes in from the self-awareness that this could very much be the opposite of a compliment in, like, probably most other situations ever.

So TL;DR: Things can’t be romantic without the connection between people, no matter how ‘inherit‘ people claim the gesture is. However, more or less anything can be a romantic gesture if there’s the right connection and consideration behind it. Taking out the trash can be romantic. Bringing home a dead fox can be romantic. There’s no Romance Shortcuts. You have to actually care about the other person (sorry, Writers Of Like 9 Out Of 10 Mainstream Movies), there’s no way around it.

So basically: Care about each other!! If you’re writing, write characters who care about each other!! And if you don’t know what character A could do for character B, you might wanna look into whether or not you’ve made a Cardboard Love Interest, like I feel many mainstream writers do. But that’s a whooooole ‘nother can of worms.

There’s so many cans of worms.

Oh god there’s so many worms.

Please help.

[ace-scientist]

As an ace person, the lines between platonic and romantic are very odd for me, but this makes so much sense?

*romantically sends partner philosophy articles and memes that remind me of them *

[raincloudsandsunbeams]

I had an ex who brought me flowers all the time because “its romantic!!!” I however, fucking hate cut flowers. He couldnt understand why I wouldnt want them because “girls love flowers” so obvi him getting me flowers was great.

My best friend however gave me a rock she found and thought I would like and I cried.

I’ve had friends send me that post that says something like “sends links as a sign of affection” and its true I love coming across something and going “i think they’d like this” and sending it to them.

So moral of the story, without meaning behind it, gestures are useless.

[aroarolibrary]

Fun read from today

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/gabrielsanchez/heres-what-its-like-to-identify-as-asexual

This Photo Series Captures Asexual Experiences From Around The World

"I want people to understand that asexual people are simply that — people."

[aro-neir-o]

Many of the interviewees are also aro-spec, and there is quite the variation of aces interviewed. This is a nice read and I just want to let y'all know that it is possible to be heard on a large public platform.

[horreurscopes]

a dame with a past and a heroine with no future

(process on patreon)