Im bleeding from the knife that stabbed my back.
But it hurt me more when i turned around and saw the face of the stabber.

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@rainyliltown
Im bleeding from the knife that stabbed my back.
But it hurt me more when i turned around and saw the face of the stabber.
The tone that will never ring again
The voice that i will never hear again
The hug that will never come
The healing that will never started
The pain that will never go away
The fear that will never be overcome
So tell me how can I trust again
©2024, LC
Can you write something about soulmates?
Aunt Maya showed me her old photographs one night, decades of her life divided in stacks. She had a black bob in the 80s and wore long pants dripping with youth. I was so pretty then. She sighed. Aunt Maya is 52 now and lives with 3 cats- Bob, Leah and Metatron. But she was 25 once, and had a blonde shag in the 90s. She rode a motorcycle. Oh, who's this?, I ask. The picture shows a man, young and tall, on a black harley, my aunt wrapped around him, a brunette this time.
"He's Connor, an old friend."
I wait for her to continue. She doesn't, so we move to the next page. I see the same man with her, in bars and beaches, at home and in a garage. They look good together, I think. And I look up at her, her eyes lost somewhere else, some other time. I flip the page again, and he's there again, in group pictures, alone with my aunt, with her best friends, lan and Sherly. A drop falls on the album and I see her face again, sketched with wrinkles and smile lines, a tear rolling down her left cheek.
I know what he is to her and what he means, a part of her past buried in albums becoming a part of her life once again.
"Look at him, he looks so happy here", she points to a picture of him in a cabin. He's holding her hand and they're giggling, her hair longer with blue tips.
"When I look at him, I'm 19 again, and he becomes everything, my past and my future. I always wondered what he'd look like when he was old. I wondered if he thought the same for me, I still wonder sometimes."
"Do you still love him?" I know the answer.
She's lost again, in old restaurants that have shut down, forests that don't exist anymore, in moments she has guarded as memories, refusing to forget them. Slowly, she pulls herself back to me.
"I did, once. I don't know, memory is a faulty thing and the past moves in circles. I don't think about some things for months, only to obsess over them for a week. Also, I don't think I know him now. I did once, and I loved him, loved who he was and who he could be. But I know he's a different person now, I am too."
We stay quiet for a while.
Quietly, she begins to flip the pages again. We silently watch her life, their life together. Seasons go by in minutes, hair changing from the brightest yellows to purple streaks, a glorious technicolor of Aunt Maya. I realise a while later that Connor stops showing up in her photographs. New men and women take his place, stay for a while and then disappear. She looks older now, and her friends change, people moving in and out of her life. The photographs change too, become more clear, vibrant, sharper. At one point, her hair stops changing, a tuft of grey emerging at the roots, getting longer and finally taking over. She still rides motorcycles and goes out with her friends, gets Metatron first- an entire album to his name. Bob and Leah follow.
At a point, the pictures stop. Mobile phones take over the empty pages in the albums. We sit still for a while.
"Was he your soulmate?"
She stared at me for a while, then smiled.
"That's just a word." She laughs, a hearty, full chuckle, her eyes shining with life. "Can I live without him? Yes, I already have. Did I love him the most? That's absurd, there's no scale for loving. Also, I think I love Metatron the most." Another chuckle.
"I think we loved each other with the kind of love that lasts lifetimes. But I've loved many people with different kinds of love that would last lifetimes. We had our time and we lived a beautiful life. Is that enough to become a soulmate? I don't know.
"I guess that's it. You love someone in the moment, and you make more of them and then you hope those moments will last forever, knowing that they won't. So you gather those moments in your memory, hold them close and cherish them and make new ones.
"I think that's what soulmates are, moments of your life that you want to keep forever."
-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned
I loved you,
and I was content with us.
Just being with you made me happy.
I was willing to be whatever you need.
When you left,
you said it was all my fault,
for wanting you more,
for hoping that you would make me your priority,
as you were to me.
©2022, LC
You won.
You wiped your memory of me.
You found love.
You have your life sorted out.
I lost,
I’m hurt and wounded and numb.
I lost my ability to trust.
To love
Ever again.
©2022, LC
There were times when I had so much love for so many people, and trusted wholeheartedly.
But the world changed.
People changed.
I changed.
It was tiring to keep on giving but not receiving.
So i stopped giving.
It was tiring to love, yet not loved.
So I stopped loving.
It was tiring of being hurt and betrayed.
So i keep my distance,
and stopped trusting.
© 2022, LC
I live in this bubble, of which I build my whole life.
Sometimes I stand at the door, shake hands and converse, but I never felt belong.
So I came back crawling in, wrapped by the warmth of nothingness in the deafening silence.
It is a comfortable place, no one can reach me and pull me out.
This is my place.
This is my safe haven.
Sometimes I want what people have:
friends to share, loved one to care, someone to love, places to visit.
To trust again, to believe again.
For all the time I picked my self up from the dust, heal myself from the wound, care myself from the harsh wave, no one stood by me.
No one.
I cried, asked for help, shouted, but none came.
Then I stopped talking, stopped hoping, stopped believing.
I then dragged myself to my safe place: the bubble i built.
It might be a sad place, but it is my place.
Where I trust no one.
Only me.
©2021, LC
When you decided I wasn’t worth your love, You decided that I wasn’t even worth your time and thought. You walked away, fast, didn’t look back even for a second.
I tried so hard, stood up on my two feet, wore my mask, held my head high and went about my life. Whilst every night I crumbled and cried.
It has been 5 excruciating years to finally believe what I’ve known all along, that I am better off without you.
Still I don’t feel better.
(C)2021, LC
It has been a lonely journey. We all born alone, and leaving the world alone, but I wish I wont have to live alone too.
I miss the time when I was a priority, not a dusted memory
So many things I want so say to you..
Our love was a lie.
You lied that you would stay.
I lied that I would be fine without you.
The time lied when it said it can heal.
The world lied that all things will be fine.
The universe lied that things happen for a reason.
And my heart lied that I believed “Some things better left unsaid”
©2020, LC
I didnt intend to love you, but you came and whispered words of love to my heart.
I didn’t want to see you but you were there knocking on my door.
I didn’t want to kiss you, but you held me and warmed my cold heart.
Then I fell in love.
Then you said you had nothing for me, and I expected too much for loving you.
Then you are gone
I was fine before you, now I’m not, and never have been since
I have lots of memories to keep, but they weighed me down.
“I love you”
It’s just words, a statement. It’s not enough, and it wont ever be if you think that’s all you need.
What makes it enough? What makes it the one? Is CHOICE. Constantly choosing to love.
So what are you gonna choose?
-Wong Fu Production (accumulated)-
You’ve got me..
Is that all you wanted?
Did you not want to keep me?
-Wong Fu Production (Crossing Point)-
Saying goodbye was not the hardest thing. It is try to keep living after the goodbye was said.
©2020, LC
You felt threatened, kept thinking of it and nurtured it to be hatred that consumed your mind and soul. You glorified your ‘suffering’ of my existence that made your lives uncomfortable.
You conspired to bring me down, justified the evil, that I deserved the calamities, and you did what needed to be done.
Hey you snakes!
I was treated unfairly, judged against and bullied. I’m falling now because of your evil deeds.
But you! You are forever be slaves of your lust and your self-righteous.
You might now sitting on the throne, but you will feel on fire all the time, afraid someone will take it from you, and you will plot yet another killing.
It was your curse, a vicious cycle you live on.
I don’t even need to avenge myself, you did that to yourselves.
so enjoy the fire!
©2020, LC