Random Implosion

Convoluted, ever evolving, quivering, screaming, excited, mass of esoteric experiences. AKA: A 20-something female with nothing better to do on the internet.

[threadbanger]

Want to win a ThreadBanger Box? Of course you do! (This is for US residents only, sorry foreign friends) Winners will be announced on October 12th. #whatsinthebox

[iamnevertheone]

[powai-blog]

characters that go from villain to awkward friend are so important

[apolloadama]

#hi. zuko here 

[shewhohangsoutincemeteries]

[randomimplosion]

Personalmente

I haven't been on here in a long, LONG time. I know. I may try to remedy that. I may not. I'm not sure. I'm not even sure that I care that I'm not sure.

Anyway, that's kind of what this post is about.

I know most of you don't read long ass text posts anyway if they don't somehow relate directly to you or unless they're fan-fiction.

Almost counting on that.

 I just need to get this out and maybe it will help. Or maybe it will be more of a trigger... or maybe it will do nothing and I'll just keep imploding.

Oh, the trigger warning for those who also battle depression/anxiety/ whatever should go about here I guess.

I just hate this feeling. The start. You know how it is. The tickle in your brain that just won't go away.

And then it spreads. This, giddiness. Where you can't sit still but you don't want to do anything and everything starts to feel a lot bigger than it should.

It spreads down your neck, into your shoulders and spine. This anxiety.

That's the perfect word for it to. Just the sound of it. The unnatural "an" that catches in your throat and the hissing "x" in the middle with "I" that feels so personified as "you" and the hurried ending of the "ety" at the end like you're just ready for the word to be over with. 

Or that's just me over thinking tonight.

But anyway it settles in your chest. It's like bees packing your insides. It's so heavy and yet constantly moving and on edge.

And the worst part is this is when I still feel a little normal. I can still function like an almost normal person.

But I know the fall is coming. That's where I'm at now. Tipping over.

And I know it sounds dramatic but that is exactly what it feels like.

The ground has completely vanished below me and I'm in freefall down.

That's the buzzing and the nerves and the heavy and the dread. And then  you land in this sea of hell.

It's like swimming through syrup. You can't move. You don't want to. Just going through the day is exhausting. And then the unexplainable sadness that enters you.

I go through every horrible thing I've done. I focus on all those tiny embarrassing moments where I made myself look foolish, boring, needy, obsessive, clingy, stingy, uninteresting. And I believe I am only made up of those things and I start to hate myself.

Then I look at my life and find everything I should be doing in it and how I will never do those things because I am weak and dumb and horrible and unlovable and irresponsible and cowardly.

It feels like nothing matters. I only make things worse. Me and my life are useless.

I logically know I am more than a sum of my faults and failures. I know mostly I am not these things and my life is getting better. I know that I will not feel this way forever. I know that this will pass and I will be okay again and that the time from when I start to feel this way to when I start not feeling this way gets shorter and that I don't have these lapses nearly as often and I can get through this.

I know it.

But I don't feel it.

I will.

But right now I'm almost hitting bottom and I just want to cry.

And I feel weak for it.

I am 26. I think I am too old for this. That depression is something for teenagers or attention seekers or older women who have more stress and kids and  all those people are justified in some way.

And I'm not that. I'm suppose to be stronger and I have no excuses.

But that's not true. i know it. I still feel it.

Depression can effect anyone. It's the terrible monster that lives in some of our closets and comes to visit only some of us. It's a random and shit lottery about who gets it and it's not fair.

But I'll feel better.

I will not feel this way forever.

i won't.

It will be okay and I will be fine and I will battle again but I will keep getting stronger.

I need to tell myself these things.

Even when I don't believe them.

Cause this monster has been in my life for about 15 years now. It won't win.

[kryptoniandovahkiin]

[toobusydancing]

#I want it #but I also want to get laid (via thedefenderoftheearth)

[randomimplosion]

It's a deterrent against fucking the wrong people.

[barleyanderose-deactivated20130]

Visit Original Link

Some Nights Tumblr Version.

Based off this post.

Lyrics:

Some nights, I stay up staring at my laptop

Some nights, I don’t sleep at all

Some nights, I ‘m glad that my dash is never ending

Some nights, I wish I could log off

But I still stay up, I still read your posts

Oh Lord, I’m still not sure why I’m awake at four

What do I scroll for? What do I scroll for?

Most nights, I don’t know anymore…

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, these are ship wars

What are we fighting for?

Why don’t we read fanfic already?

I was never one to sleep at night - save that for those who have a life

Post twice as much and get half as many likes, but here feels come again

To stay for a while

But that’s alright; I blog from in my bed tonight

I blog because I’m wonderin’ just who I, who I, who I am

Oh, who am I? mmm… I have no life

Well, some nights, I wish that my dash would end

‘Cause I could use some friends for a change

And some nights, I’m scared I’ll hit post limit again

Some nights, I always hit, I always hit…

But I still stay up, I still read your posts

Oh Lord, I’m still not sure why I’m awake at four

What do I scroll for? What do I scroll for?

Most nights, I don’t know… 

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?

Left my social life for this? Or do I have no friends because of this?

(/awkward pause where I didn’t know what to write/)

So log on.

Log on.

Log on,

OH LOG ON!

Well, that is it guys, that is all, scroll twelve pages down and I’m bored again Ten years of this, and only bloggers understand  I’m not sticking ‘round with my folks downstairs; Sorry to leave, mom, I had ship pairs I’m going to be forever alone, all dried up from my laptop brightness My heart is breaking for my OTP and the con that they call “love” ‘Cuz when they look into each other’s eyes… Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from… Some terrible writers…ahhh…

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn’t believe the fic I just read about my OTP

I wish it would update already

I wish you’d tag all of your stuff, man.

Why won’t you tag all of your stuff, man? oh…

I’m never logging off

Why would I ever log off Tumblr… oh…

Oh, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh.

[tyleroakley]

[randomimplosion]

[themermaidgrotto]

[tmblrblg1000-deactivated2023113]

This is officially the best thing I have ever seen on Tumblr.

[ffruocgk]

hOW DID

[itwillrainsomedays]

Traci Hines is fucking perfect

[monteithy-blog]

[cas-in-the-sassbutt-deactivated]

#this is the best thing i’ve ever seen

[randomimplosion]

The last image though!

[gingerhaze]

[randomimplosion]

#THIS ISTHE MOST ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF THE HOBBIT THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN

[thecrownedheart]

Gay Disney Princes

[randomimplosion]

kinda dig it

[thatbothersmeh]

[randomimplosion]

Damn right you will.

[mabbittcraig-deactivated2014040]

[randomimplosion]

Obligatory Moulin Rouge repost.

[virtualgirlfriend]

[ao-oa]

[allingator-deactivated20131014]

[rebreathing]