Wanderlust

Collections of thoughts. Up keep is awful. Basically this is a shit show. Welcome to my anxious hell.

[randomrabidfairy]

[randomrabidfairy]

Decided to start to 100 baby challenge! I'll add more photos but I'm up to 7 kids! And pregnant!

[randomrabidfairy]

Serial Killer Sims inspired by Ticci Toby and Clockwork. Victims to date: 5

[randomrabidfairy]

9 August, 2015 -I'm so lonely

I think I've decided what to do with this Tumblr as I know no one will read this. I have no followers but I guess that's fitting. Why should I be any better online than I am offline? I'm not alone; I'm lonely. I have 3 friends. 1 of which seems to always be too busy for me. 1 is my boyfriend and the other is his brother. I didn't use to be this way. I didn't use to feel such a pressure on my shoulders. I had friends more than I knew what to do with and a few I spent every minute with. I'm not sure what changed. I graduated high school and the bright and shining future I once saw has dimmed. Sometimes I have to squint just to see it. I used to smile a lot more. I didn't always have to fake my way through the day. I think the turning point was my last long relationship. It was abusive; I say it didn't bother me but it did. He etched new scares on top of old ones. Time does t heal everything; it just eases the pain. Makes it more tolerable. It's been years since I left him and it has gotten easier. But here of late I find myself so lonely. I know I have people here for me; my ginger is my biggest supporter and my rock. He keeps me here and he doesn't even know it. But beyond him I have no one to reach for. They always have someone or something better to occupy their time. I feel like I'm drowning with no way to come up for air.

[randomrabidfairy]

These are probably some of the greatest comments I have very had on a post.

[randomrabidfairy]

I don't really do a whole lot with my life minus work but I'm always up for taking time off to help out children's miracle network. Especially when Queen Elsa appears to face piant!

[srsfunny]

Complete Honesty http://srsfunny.tumblr.com/

[randomrabidfairy]

Echo wears a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

[randomrabidfairy]

I love days where my plans are binge watch Kim Possible and sit around in sweats.

[4am-reflections]

They say that if a writer doesn’t write about you they don’t really love you. Every time I write somehow it becomes about you and it makes me wonder if anyone could ever love you more than I do.

4am (via 4am-reflections)

[randomrabidfairy]

I am mildly distraught my dog seems to have better people skills than me. Random person: "OMG your dog is so cute" *proceeds to play with dog ignoring anything I say.

[xod]

[randomrabidfairy]

me: *is an adult*

me: *still sprints back to my room after turning off the light in the bathroom*

[randomrabidfairy]

I guess this is going to become a public diary... I don’t know what else to do.

I work a job I kinda like... I used to loved it but now my hours suck and I feel as though I no longer matter. It’s not big things but the little things that pile up. Like only worrying if your day shift is covered then leaving my screwed and alone on a holiday weekend. Then asking why am I behind. Maybe because it’s busy and I’m only one person. But hey I’m just a closer, what do I know? I’m sure it will get better. It has to.

I’m so tired of going from a job I only kinda like to a house I hate being in. I only come home because of my puppy. And my rat. But beyond that nothing makes me want to stay there. My roommates seem to be incapable of cleaning up after themselves. “Oh let’s take turns cleaning!” Okay yeah sure sounds fair when 98% of the mess is yours. And you leave it for days. They cook for two (as they are a couple) and thus use nearly all the dishes. I have cleaned up after them more than I should have and I’m done. Oh and anytime they eat more of their food than they realize? It’s my fault. Even if I’m not the one who ate the fucking food. And roommate A needs to be in control. In control of the temperature. In control of my life. I can’t see my boyfriend without getting a text asking me when I’m coming home. Seriously? Reasoning? “Well you left your dog here.” And? I watch your dog every single night. I take him out 8 times out of 10. I deal with him at 11 pm when he feels the need to try and spend 20 minutes humping Echo (who is my dog). I deal with his pent up energy because he spent way to long in his crate. I feel like watching Echo for one night won’t kill her. This dog does nothing but sleep. Laziest puppy every. I think roommate A doesn’t see me as a friend anymore.. Just money for bills. I’m not even invited out with her anymore. Oh well I spend my time trying to avoid her can’t blame her for doing the same.

I was doing better. I had my depression under control now I feel like I’m fighting to stay above water; gasping for air. I’m really glad I have my ginger to remind me I’ll be okay. If not for him I’d be a lot worse. I just feel so angry and upset all the time. I just want things to get better.. Is that too much to ask? One sucky thing I can handle but not two...

[randomrabidfairy]

Pretending

As little kids we all played pretend. We pretended to be a firefighter, or a princess, or in some cases a Pokemon. As I look back at my past through pictures and what few memories I have left I wish once more for those care free days of running around and barking like a dog because I felt I was more animal than little girl. Where did those days go? And when did these days of pretending become my reality? Unlike those days of never ending playtime these days are filled with a different kind a play. A different kind of pretend. Instead of pretending to be a firefighter, the little boy pretends to be a top notch student for his parents while secretly skipping class to share a joint with his friends. And the little girl who used to play Princess? She's now pretending it doesn't rip a piece of her heart out when guy after guy uses her then leaves. We all pretend, me, you, that guy who you passed on the sidewalk without a backward glance. Every single one of us. I guess that's what makes us human. Or does it? People go to work pretending they give a shit about their jobs, they come home and pretend to give a shit about their families. Is that human? Is it human to have to pretend everything's okay when in reality it's all crashing down around you? Why do we pretend anyways? As kids we pretended because it brought us joys, we could be anything, we could have anything -the only limit to what we could do with our mind. Now what? pretending doesn't bring us joy, doesn't fulfill anything -unless you count fulfilling the feeling of disappointment that our lives are nothing like we hoped as children. Maybe that's why we pretend, we pretend because secretly we want that childish hope that everything will be perfect. It lets us forget for a time what our child selves never knew, nothing is perfect. If it was a perfect world, we wouldn't need to pretend. A wife wouldn't need to pretend she still loved a man she now hates. A man wouldn't need to pretend he wasn't ruining his life and that of his families with his gambling. An employee wouldn't need to pretend to be happy at work. A girl wouldn't need to pretend she cares about her life. A homeless man wouldn't need to pretend that his park bench is a king size bed under a roof.

Then again maybe we have just lost sight of what pretending is all about. Maybe we just need to remember why we ever stopped pretending in the first place. We pretended not because we needed to hide from the world but because we needed it to be bigger. Bigger than our reality, bigger so as to let our dreams take hold and flourish.

[lunakundalini]

If you’ve ever doubted yourself, walk deep into any forest. Notice how the trees still stand even though they are given no recognition. Walk along any stream. The water still flows, though no one stops to praise it. Watch the stars late at night; they shine without acknowledgment. Humans are just the same. We are made out of the same elements as these beautiful wonders. Always remember your beauty and self worth. 

[randomrabidfairy]

While at work today a coworker was getting fed up with customers reaching under the tables and getting into our rpc's (where we store the produce) and grabbing product. He looks me dead in the eye and whispers "I hope a scorpion bites them."