Random Ramblings of a Storyteller

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A Bad Depressive Episode Week

All week, I’ve been depressed because of my crazy anxiety fueled dreams, which had themes of;

my boyfriend breaking up with me over something after we moved in together (IRL, we aren’t living together we’ve only been dating for 11 months and has given me reassurance when I asked for it)

my mom kicking me out of the house over me not doing dishes, or not cleaning my room, or not being able to watch my sister (my mom isn’t a toxic parent she wouldn’t kick me out over something like that)

and an apocalyptic world where everyone i love is dead or missing and to survive, I become the wife of a warlord. (This I can’t really explain easily)

Not only that, but today (June 30th), my only real friend in this state freaked out after I said “hey, don’t say ‘so sessy’ because we used to do stuff, and I have a boyfriend and it’s not that appropriate” then went straight to gas lighting me saying that he was he was just joking and that he’ll leave me alone because “I fucked up with you like I did with every single person”. Keep in mind, a year ago, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where shit like that was said to me all the time, making it all my fault for asking for something simple like boundaries. When I called him out, and said don’t guilt trip me, he freaked out again, and I’m just done. 

I’m done with being nice to people to get nothing back but guilt trips, gas lighting, and lied to. I’m tired of being the nice girl, it’s exhausting. I’m so emotionally drained from seeing everything fall apart around us, I’m so exhausted and I just want to lay down and cry for a week.

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Nah my dudes.

Literally the world’s on fire: Hey, come on guys, chin up, it could be so much worse!

Jenna Marbles: Stepping away from YouTube, possibly quitting forever

Me: 

For real, 2020, this was the last straw

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Writing Outside of Your Comfort Zone

(not my gif)

I’m not a published writer, but I am a writer nonetheless. I’ve written fanfics and a prompt on my Wattpad (MarandaSmith12. Shameless plug, I know), and I’ve been writing since I was about.... 13 or 12? Whenever I was super into Twilight, not a great phase for me, but anyway. 

Despite the fact that one of the first stories I sat down and wrote seriously was a romance, when it comes to writing a romance story, I am so, so, so bad at it, and I don’t know why. I mean I can write fantasy and sci-fi stuff (somewhat) easy peasy because, there aren’t any rules to those genres and any rules that are put in place are just guide lines that you can ignore or take as laws of the land. Murder mystery I can write pretty well because I am super into true crime, I watched a lot of cop shows in high school, and since I was 14, I’ve been really into creepypastas. 

But romance is the thing that breaks me, every time. I think it’s because there are so many expectations, rules, and so many things about the genre that I don’t like, ie; romanticizing abusive relationships, certain authors clearly judging the way other people do their thing through one of their characters, the stereotypes that aren’t cute as much as they are concerning, and the fact that if you do something different or insert yourself into the story, or Heaven forbid, have a couple that isn’t toxic towards each other or aren’t obsessing over every little thing the other person does, or doesn’t fall in love as soon as they make eye contact, then you get a storm of hatred thrown at you from the die hards of this genre. (These aren’t facts, just observations)

However, (this is just a fancy but) especially during the summer time, I feel myself being drawn towards this genre with a desire that I cannot explain. Maybe it’s just the overall mood that the season brings, like how if you want to write a murder mystery, it’s probably cold, cloudy, foggy, raining, or even snowing. This is something that no ordinary random person can explain, it just happens. 

I made a post earlier that I’d want to write a bisexual love story, but that’d require me to draw from my own life, and if it’s all the same to everyone, I’d rather not do that, but write a love story in a time that I haven’t experienced, between two people that are nothing like myself, and struggles that I’ve never had to go through. Which for some reason, is easier for me? I don’t know why.

I might post that to my Wattpad if this prompt mystery doesn’t get me too distracted (which I doubt). I just want real feedback on it, and maybe self-publish it? Get an audience? I have no idea.

This has been an afternoon ramble from a random storyteller online.

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Bisexual love story?

I’ve been wanting to write a love story about a bi person falling in love with a gay person and a straight person and having this whole stable love triangle thing, I just need help, I am the worst bisexual in the world, someone help me.

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June 18th, 2020: The Day of the 3 Nat 20s.

(not my gif)

Yes, you read that right. Most of us kept getting Nat 20s, but tonight, three of us got them one after the other (but that’s going to come up later).

So, for those that don’t know from my June 16th post, the halfling I and our monk sucker punched in the face--Mopit--over took the town and dubbed himself, Mopit the Terrible, and this was after we barely got out of an encounter on a very narrow board walk, with my glowing ax (our cleric, Torvin had blessed my ax so it’s glowing like a light saber) and the entire town is silent, empty and foggy, then the ghouls and zombies came out. 

I almost had to make death saving throws a couple of times, but Torvin had my (Anabel’s) back. After finding an old friend that handled the last standing bad guy, and he took us to an inn and filled us in that Mopit basically went batshit crazy, with the help of an evil death cleric (#notalldeathclericsareevil). Not only that but we had to heal this crystal that helps keeps goblins out of the capital (pretty fucked up) and a hob-goblin soldier is holding this dying crystal in a leather bag so it doesn’t hurt him, but because of this, he keeps running off and not coming to certain locations.

Anyway, we had to find someone from the Empire (Jezabelle) that knows where this specific pool of water is to heal the crystal. We went into the sewers, faught a water elemental, almost died again, found the place where the water is, and I almost died AGAIN. And the entire time, we had to go without our hob-goblin because he was on the edge of death, eyes rolled back, foaming at the mouth, 1 hp left almost dead. (We did this last, events are reversed to save the best for last)

Now... The destruction of Mopit, death cleric and others. At this time, we had a full long rest, and I was feeling lucky, yeah I shouldn’t have felt that lucky. Because, we were up against a high level death cleric that’s been wanting to kill us for as long as Spencer Middleton has been wanting to kill Jack (if you know, then you know), a creature that’s been sewed together with limbs that clearly weren’t theirs, a hob-goblin barbarian, but I was sneaked attacked by that little shit Mopit! He stabbed me in the ribcage, so I raged. I raged hard. But i was on death saving throws. I think 3xs, but I got cutting words from our bard (Zem), and of course the rest of the party helping with the fighting. 

It was getting to a point in the night where nobody was paying attention anymore until they heard their character’s name, or their own name, and I kept going down, but luckily, my teammates wouldn’t let me die that easily. But to be honest, what I’m still a little salty about, is that I did SO much damage to those guys but I only actually got to kill Mopit, but in total Game of Thrones fashion. Normally, our DM doesn’t ask how I would like to kill someone, but he did, and so I said that Anabel knelt down to Mopit, said “Antonio sends his regards’, then chop his head clean off.

I love being a barbarian.

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I am about to say something very controversial... You Ready?

Part of the many reasons why I’m bisexual is the fact of how attractive certain people look in suits... That is all, carry on.

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Little Fires Everywhere: My Opinions

(I found this as a draft and I made this towards the beginning of May)

I can't believe that I'll have to say this, but to stop the rainstorm of boohoos and 'how dare you say that about my favorite show', but this whole post is my opinion. I'm not stating facts. It's my OPINION. Okay? Okay, let's move on. Also - Strong language warning. As of writing this on Thursday, April 30th, 2020, I'm on the second episode of #LittleFiresEverywhere after a friend of mine gave me their Hulu log in (Thanks, Max). As of right now, I only truly care about is Pearl, Izzy, and Moody.

The other two siblings seem like dicks to just be dicks, I want to like Mia and Elena, but they seem every involved in themselves a lot of the time. And yes, moms should be their own persons, but the reason why I don't like them right now is that Mia didn't seem to think about staying somewhere because her daughter really wanted to, until Pearl yelled at her. I get that there's a complicated situation there that we're only scratching the surface of. And Elena just seems like one of those moms that need their kids to be perfect. To be model citizens, to wear pastels, to be basically what most people see as the picture-perfect American family, and I hate it. Not to mention how she clearly favors her older two kids over her younger two kids. And then, of course, Lexi flat out STOLE Pearl's letter about her discrimination about wanting to go to her proper math class.

It might've been how I was raised, but I was always taught to be who you are despite what other people want you to be (laugh if you want, but I was raised by young Millennial parents, so give me a break). It just seems like Elena is trying to suppress who Izzy is but anyway she can because she's scared of how different her youngest is compared to her other kids.

Despite me not liking our main characters, I'll balance it out by saying what I do like about Mia and Elena. First, Mia.

I like how Mia is so very caring towards people. Like how she offers advice to Elena when she's being harassed at school to stand up for herself, and how she cares about a co-worker that she barely even knows, and asks her what's wrong, and hears her out once the time is better.

I like how firm Elena is about her beliefs in things, and how she wants the best for her children but doesn't seem to know the best way to go about it. And despite some of her strange ways of going about it, it is clear that she does love her kids in her own way.

The show itself is really good. The characters, despite me not liking a lot of them, are well developed and I feel like I could meet them in real life.

Episode Three has more promise to it.

Adding Lexie's boyfriend, Brian, to the mix of people that I like in this show, because he pointed out how fucked up it was that Lexie stole Pearl's letter for her essay.

Watching Mia do her art is making me want to get back into art too if I'm being honest. It makes me miss it.

Anyway, I still dislike Lexie, but I love the fact that Izzy has a dress with pockets, but I think she looked pretty without getting all traditionally dressed up. With that being said, the green dress is really pretty.

Okay, something's happening at the baby shower and I feel my anxiety rising as each cup of tea is being split. (I also love the subtle relationship between Izzy and Moody. Reminds me a lot of my brother and me when we were still taking turns hating each other).

Mia is going to get into trouble for sneaking into the baby's bedroom, I can feel it. I can feel so much trouble stirring up everywhere.

Mia, why did you tell Bebe? Mirabelle/May Ling is adopted, she gave up her baby for a good reason, legally, the baby isn't hers anymore... Your heart is in the right place, but this was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea.

Is Moody not going to tell Pearl that he clearly as feelings for her??? Or is Pearl going to have to find out the hard way?

I love the mirroring between Elena and Mia towards the very end of the episode.

Episode Four:

I get why Mia did what she did, but that was a little messed up, for everyone involved. It wasn't helpful towards Bebe who was still grieving over giving up her child, and it wasn't helpful to the couple that has the baby and is nearly through with adopting her. In the previews for this episode, I would like to make a prediction to see how right I am.

Mia was a surrogate mother for a couple, and instead of giving up Pearl, she left with Pearl and has been on the run ever since, and that's the real reason why she and Pearl have never stayed in the same place for very long, and that's why she was so reluctant on staying in a seemingly perfect community, and part of the reason why she freaked out when Pearl was escorted home by what looked like a police officer at the time (that and the fact that it was the 90s, and there was terrible discrimination between cops and blacks, more than there is now). I don't want to be right, I don't want this to be a Finding Carter situation, but it would make sense.

I also really like how Izzy and Pearl are kind of opposites of each other, despite how they were raised, and who they were raised by.

Also, for all the moms out there that are scared that their kids are going to be addicted to sex after they do it the one time, and Lexie's line; "It's like when you do it once, it's all you can think about". From a 21-year-old who can very clearly remember what it's like being in high school, trust me, by the time they're like 14 or 15, they're already thinking about it a lot, in a good way or bad way, that doesn't mean that they're doing it, it's just being a teenager. (Sorry for the rant, I just know that Karens and Lindas will watch this show, hear that line and freak out even more than they already are).

"Being gay is a very rare thing". Elena, my girl, buddy, you're so sheltered from sexuality that it makes me laugh.

I really want to know what Mia's dreams mean. Hopefully, there are video essays on it somewhere that I can look at after the episode is over.

Oh my God, why is there always that one guy in these kinds of stories that always give the advice of "Just treat her like shit" or "Be an asshole the whole time, and she'll defiantly fall for you". First of all, no. Second of all, just be honest, the worst that'll happen is she'll say that she's not interested, and as long as you take it gracefully, nothing else will happen. Damn.

Also, am I the only one that finds it weird that Elena and Bill have a schedule for their sex life? Like who schedule's sex when they're not actively trying to have a baby, or avoid that, or they're old and need to make sure that no one's bones are gonna be ackey that day. I can't be the only one that finds that weird.

Elena is playing so dirty in something she should not be even touching right now, my Lord woman.

Why is Mia going through and taking a bunch of stuff from Elena's house, that's really weird?

Elena and Mia are really strange ladies, everyone's thinking about it.

I know that there is still a thing about adoptive parents vs biological parents, and I have no experience with adoptive parents, and I cannot imagine the pain that Bebe is going through, or Linda. But Bebe gave up her baby, whether or not she wanted to, and obviously is mourning that choice, but it was a choice she made. I'm on Linda's side with this, Mirabelle is Linda's baby. Bebe is the birth mother, yes, but Linda is her mom. There's a difference.

TRIP IS DOING HIS BROTHER SO DIRTY RIGHT NOW. TRIP, STOP MACKING ON YOUR BROTHER'S CRUSH WTF.

Can y'all tell that I feel things and think about stuff way too dramatically yet?

Pearl nO---!

Elena oh my fucking God, Elena, what the fuck are you doing.

Trip just spilled the beans after it was almost way too fucking late. Like I know you're a teenage boy with an attractive girl, but my dude should've said something when you were still making out.

Elena just fired shots holy shit. Do you want to start a fight with a mother? Say she's not a good mother.

Holy. Shit.

This show is really going to throw gas on the fire of biological vs adopted real quick... Not that there shouldn't be conversations about this, but its already a loaded topic.

Episode Five

That flashback kind of just explained why Elena schedules sex with her husband I mean...

I know snooping through things is bad, and I know that Izzy doesn't know that Mia snooped through and even took certain things from her house, but it's kind of hypocritical of Mia to be upset when Izzy went through her stuff when not even an episode ago, Mia was taking stuff fro their rooms.

"You should get on the pill" TOO LITTLE TOO LATE MY DUDE.

This is one of the painful mother-daughter scenes I've seen so far. Top 20.

I'm with Bill, Elena is unraveling and she's unraveling fast.

Do they really ask someone would they like to see the sonogram, knowing that they're getting an abortion? It just seems kind of mean.

I feel like Lexie can't stop doing fucked up shit. "If it got out it'd actually matter" so you used your friend's name?? So that if it got out, people would think that she got an abortion??? M'kay.

I never get show siblings. Trip and Lexie give Izzy a whole bunch of shit about how she might be a lesbian, but as soon as Izzy gives Trip a taste of his own medicine, she's the bad guy?

Holy shit I knew it!!!

Episode Six

I. Knew. It!!!!!

Such a weird way to ask someone to be your surrogate, though. Especially when the woman is obviously so young

I'm starting to see why Elena might have some resentment towards Izzy. I just wanna go through the screen and hug Linda and her husband so tightly and tell them that it'll be okay

Like I know that Mia is 18 in this, and can consent, but it's still kinda fucked, having a romantic relationship with her professor, someone of an authority figure

I think Elena might have postpartum depression. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like. That or just majorly regretting her life choices. Probably both

That is fucked up. It shouldn't matter whether or not Mia is regnant, she deserves to go to her brother's funeral. There'll be more questions about where she is, instead of why she's pregnant.

Episode Seven

That was so cold, April, what the fuck.

Am I the only one that thinks Elena doesn't really love Izzy?

I know what April did was really fucked up, but I want her and Izzy to be friends again.

Take some ownership, Elena, Jesus. Hey Bill, can your wife be accountable for all her actions? Including screaming at your own daughter because she refused to wear a certain pair of shoes?

Shit, Izzy, that's fucked up. Looking at you too, April.

Well, my suspicions of Elena not loving Izzy were just confirmed.

I kind of hope Brian does break up Lexie.

I am so done with Elena's crazy nosy ass. For the love of God please tell me that she didn't tell Pearl. Holy shit, so many moral no-nos happening and there is only one episode left.

Oh, Izzy...

Damn everyone just kind of sucks right now.

Episode Eight

It sucks that Lexie is sad, but, Brian deserves better so, I don't feel that bad about it

"She didn't come from my body...but that doesn't make me any less of her mother."

Would it be wrong to post blame with both Elena and Mia? I mean, if Mia didn't stick herself in the middle of something she shouldn't have, and if Elena didn't try to bribe Bebe on behalf of Linda and her husband (I can't remember his name for the life of me) then it either wouldn't have been this bad or never happened at all.

I know I said I liked Izzy in the beginning, but she's kind of a brat.

I have mixed feeling about Pearl, but I still love her and Izzy

Yep, yep, definitely hate Elena. You can't ask your friend to break the law for you because you got her the job she has.

Busted...

MOODY! I can't believe he just said that about her, what the fuck

And Lexie's choice just fucked up everything for Pearl's reputation.

Can I punch Lexie in the face?

No, Elena, you're not a good person.

Oh my God...

I don't blame them, let them set the whole house on fire. Do it. I'd do it. Fuck Elena.

...That ending left in speechless in so many ways...

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I just kind of realized that most of the first relationships and friendships that I made, were made because I was the lesser of two evils. Because it was more convenient at the time, or I don’t know what else. I didn’t get real friends until I was 13, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t someone who truly loved ME until I was 20.

It’s been a rough mental health day. Week. Month. Year.

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June 16, 2020; After a DnD Session

(not my gif) At this point, I should become a dnd blog...

I’m not really sure how to process what just happened tonight, but with the help of my cleric and bard, I defeated a tree monster, but before that our monk was pretending to multi-class as a wizard (can’t because one of his stats isn’t high enough) and our bard had this dream about a god, but because a stat wasn’t high enough, couldn’t become a cleric-bard, so walked around in sheets and asking our cleric how to become a cleric. 

Then we went into this city we haven’t been to in a hot minute, only to realize that the halfling rogue that I sucker punched in the face, is a mob-boss that has completely taken over the entire town and I won’t get to know wtf is going on until Thursday.

Oh, our wizard got killed off because the person playing him (the D.M’s brother) was being a total dick for a large majority of the game, separating the party before clearly important things (like a meeting with royals), then casting magic in an anti-magic city, then when the leader of this empire that is slowly taking over the kingdom goes to collect him, the wizard is given one last chance, and stabs the guy in the back (he was a level 12 barbarian) so, that dragonborn is dead and a new human sorcerer has taken his place and I have a feeling that there will be similar problem’s because the D.M’s brother is not that good of a DnD player, and is just a flat out dick a lot of the time. And not in the funny ha-ha way, in the way where you can’t stand it after you start to notice it.

Normally, I’d have to wait until Sunday, but while I was making dinner (I volunteered to do it), we all decided to meet up again on Thursday and again on Sunday, not to mention I’m in a Friday game that one of the other players is running, nothing on Saturday, then my bf’s game on Sundays (usually). 

This has been another random ramble at midnight. Night post, I’ll talk about the time my barbarian seduced a fae bartender

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My Tiefling Keeps Getting Lycanthropy...

(not my gif)

In my last post about Dungeons&Dragons, I mentioned briefly that my tiefling barbarian, Anabel, keeps getting bitten by werewolves. So far, this has happened twice. The first time, I was ganged up on, the second time, I charged the werewolf. 

So, the first time, we went into an abandoned park in this city where people kept disappearing, and we were surrounded by four wolves, two werewolves, and a feral Druid. Anabel and our monk went up against two of the wolves, while our cleric, bard, and wizard tried to cover the others. 

Once I killed the wolf I was attacking, I went to turn towards the Druid, but saw that I was blocked off by a werewolf. So, I went choppy-chop with my great ax, and hit this motherfucker with my storm aura... but I was rolling pretty crappy so, I either didn’t hit or didn’t do much damage. When it came to the enemies turn, my bf/DM had the werewolf bite my arm. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, I’d just have Anabel go up to our cleric for a heal curse spell. 

Only I forgot to before the session ended, and the more I sat with the info I was slowly being infected with lycanthropy, and the fact that my character would be so much more of a badass if she was a werewolf, but my wizard snitched on me to the party after he saw Anabel’s bite mark and I didn’t clarify whether or not it was okay for me to be a werewolf to my bf/DM. 

After I killed a rabbit, I was healed. Literally three sessions later, after I got laid by a super hot fae bartender (different story for another time) I was bit again, but so was our cleric. And once again, I followed my character’s habits that she learned from her background, and didn’t tell anyone. 

But this time, the DM wanted to hammer into me that this was a bad idea, and I failed my con save so bad that when I was on watch later that night, I turned into a werewolf and almost ate our bard (something our monk brought up for three sessions after). To which, the party had to bind me with chains, our monk hit me on the nose with his newspaper, and then put a collar on me labeled ‘Fluffy’. 

And after that, I declared, if I get bitten by a werewolf again, just let me be, at this point, my dumbass deserves it.

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A Realization...

Whenever I’m watching a movie or a TV show or whatever, and there’s a scene where a character is about to give up something that they really love because they’re insecure, or it’s not getting any attention or positive attention, or they get eliminated and the character gets really sad about it, there’s always someone who’ll tell them; “Hey, it’s not that you’re bad, you’re really good at this, it’s just that it’ll take more time, you’re really talented, I believe in you”.

I just realized that I cry during those scenes, because nobody in my life has ever said that I was good at writing or baking or cooking. Nobody has never sat next to me, or looked me in the eye and said “Hey, don’t be so down, you’re really talented at this. Just keep going, I believe in you”. All I hear is “better luck next time then”. Or “you have more options”.

Nobody has ever said that they believe in me. Or that I was talented at something, and meant it.

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Dungeons & Dragons: Barbarians Are Awesome

I'm not going to lie, I've played role play games before, but they were all online. However, D&D is better than the online roleplaying that I was apart of all those years go.

So far I've only made three D&D characters for the three campaigns that my boyfriend has made. The first two were elves and spell casters, because, I thought the best way to play D&D is to be a spell caster, but, that’s not necessarily true. Yes, it’s fun to be a spell caster, but it’s not the only fun class type to play.

I'm in my first home-brew game, after being invited to play by my boyfriend, he mentioned that his friends and brother were already spell casters, and he asked me if I minded playing a Barbarian, because they needed a tank. I never wanted to play a Barbarian before it, but I wanted to play D&D, spend more time with my boyfriend, and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable playing with strangers at a strangers house yet without proper self-defense training. 

So, I agreed, and I made a barbarian tiefling who's also a Tavern Brawler. I made the character by myself, and I was pretty proud about that since my boyfriend helped me with my first one and gave me advice for my second character. Basically, what I did was pick the coolest features, and I ended up making a badass, and that was mostly an accident. 

If you're having a hang up of being a Barbarian, don't be. You get great dexterity and constitution saves, (if you don't want to be a stereotypical Barbarian then you'll get pretty decent intelligent saving throws) plus, you're the muscle, you get to hit shit. And it's expected of you to hit stuff.

In and out of combat. This was the second time I had shown up to the campaign, and at this point, the rest of the party had already had three encounters with this particular rogue. Our dragonborn had him cornered and was holding him up like a doll at eye level. He kept lying to us, so my tiefling said “If you don’t stop lying, I’m going to hit you”. My boyfriend/D.M tried to call my bluff, and had the rogue lie again. I interrupted him, saying that I punch the rogue halfling in the face (keep in mind, I’m a soft baby, especially for my bf’s Australian faux accent). My bf laughed this off, and said, “Roll to hit”. I rolled a Nat 20. Then i rolled for damage with my d4 dice.... I did 8 damage and sucker punched this poor guy in the face. For two days after, he avoided us at all costs until we cornered him again, asking for his help to find this thief-clan place. 

Our monk later did a similar thing with the same rogue, and now whenever we’re all rolling bad, we just whisper; “Pretend it’s Mopit” (the halfling rogue). It works some of the time it’s just a funny joke that happened, all because I am a childish true-neutral tiefling that wanted to help her new friends.

Just keep in mind, I haven't been playing for very long, and I've only played three classes, Druid; Circle of the Land, Bard; College of Valor, and Barbarian; Tavern Brawler. So my opinion is far from a professional opinion, or one to be taken to heart, but I'll hold firm that despite me loving spell casters in fantasy stories and games, being a Barbarian is amazing, especially if you were infected with lycanthropy (story for another time).

Thank you for coming to my nerdy TedTalk.