Writing my shit out

A personal diary on a not so personal forum. If you know me no you don't.

[rantingofasmallorganism]

Infighting and addiction

Dear endless void that is the internet,

Drugs are a thing that of marvel. Some help brings relief to those who need it. Others cause pain. Marijuana, coke, shrooms, and hell sugar is a types of drug. I can admit I have an addiction issue with sugar and carbs. I can admit that. But how do I help someone with an addiction that won't admit it? A close family friend, someone I consider my brother, is constantly fucking vaping and hitting his pen. I hate it, not him. I hate that he is always high and feels a need for this shit. I hate that I can’t remember a time we last hung out and he was sober. 

I blame myself partially. I let him do it around me, in my car, hell I partook a handful of times myself. I never want to do it again, the last three times I’ve done it have been horrible experiences either during or with the aftermath. But he is never sober. Not around me at least. I’m afraid for him. 

It started with nicotine/Cuvies whatever you want to call it. Now it’s that coupled with edibles and pens. Now he’s looking into shrooms. Which is a fucking felony charge if he is caught with it. He knows this, he knows the risks legally, and medically, and what effects psychedelics could lead to. People have accidentally killed themselves and others because of what they saw/heard/experienced thinking it was real. I don’t want that to happen to him. What makes me mad is that he knows legally what could happen if you are caught with it. He dares to ask my mom if he could send it to our house so his mom and dad wouldn’t find the package. Like genuinely what the fuck! not going to lie I snapped at him. 

I threatened that if that package shows up at my house, I would call his mother and tell her that he was smoking and lying about being in classes and that I would never talk to him again. And yeah I overreacted but the weed was "only now and then" and he would "never be high around his family." Two weeks ago at a family dinner, he was fucking zooted. He was fucking lucky that his mom was too tired from her job to join dinner. She would have beaten him, killed him, bring him back, beat and kill him again.

Then I warned his sister and my best friend/his girlfriend (we are all a friend group) and told them how bad it is to get caught with that shit. I mention to my best friend that she could lose something that she worked hard for if she got caught with it. That she could lose something that she worked for over five years that she just finally got? 

Then his sister calls me and says that I am in the wrong for doing what I did and mentions how my best friend could lose what she worked for, and even brings it up. She then told me that her brother said that he was going to work to get clean and to give him a chance. HE ASKED ME AND MY MOM IF HE COULD SEND SHROOMS TO OUR HOUSE! LIKE, GIRL!

My question is should I risk leaving her in the dark and let the universe unleash a plan or do I warn her what's at risk? Do I let him buy and try everything he wants to try and risk getting something laced or going down the rabbit hole? Do I just stand aside and let him possibly kill himself a risk my brothers' safety and those around him?

I have had to bury my uncle because he killed himself after getting drunk during a depressive episode. I don't want to bury him. I don't want to lose my three best friends. I don't want to risk losing my family both biological and chosen. 

They are my support system and to see this happening and no one doing anything. It scares me and I want to take every pen he has and flush them in a public toilet. I want to place a shock collar on him so when he tries to reach for it, Pavlov his ass out of it. 

I'm worried for him, and I'm mad at him for knowing better but still choosing this path. Yes, I snapped. I don't want to lose him.

I don't know what I would do If I did. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost any of them. I know I went overboard and wash harshly, but I asked nicely. I've pleaded. I've begged. Each time was just shrugged off, and now I snapped. I just don't want to lose him to drugs. 

What I hate is that my worry, panic, and concern were turned on me. "Are you depressed?" No, I'm fucking scared I'm going to lose a family member to drugs. "What do you have against him to threaten him like that?" IF I HAD SOMETHING AGAINST HIM I WOULD HAVE LET HIM BUY IT AND GET INTO MORE DRUGS! I don't know man. I really don't. I just want to make sure that he is safe. 

I'm working on fixing my addiction and compulsion issues. So far I am six days in of no sweets and sticking to my calorie limit. It's been rough not going to lie. I've caught myself reaching for loaves of bread and pieces of sweets. I turn to fruits and protein as healthier alternatives.

My mom says I need to step back from them and let their actions and decisions play themselves out. That I need to focus on myself and my well-being and the slew of issues that I am dealing with. "Let him hit the wall, do not follow him into the wall. But be there when he needs help backup. You can't help someone up if you are at the same level or lower."

I just don’t know what to do.

-your blogger

[rantingofasmallorganism]

March 13th: Oversleeping and Dreaming

Dear endless void that is the internet, It’s me again!

I know, I know, long time no see. But its been busy. Between work, spring break, and school. There has been chaos that has kept me from my pen and ink. More link my screen and keys but you get the idea.

Today I over slept. A lot. I had a class at 9 in the morning and was going to my siblings “Field Day” at 11-3. I was going to do homework afterwards until my next class at 5. 

What happened instead? I woke up at 12, made it to field day at 1, had lunch at like 3:30 with my best friend and got to my last class a few minutes late. 

The fucked up part was I was dreaming that I was going about my day. I was so convinced that I was in class and doing my work that when I woke up at home I was so confused. Now I’m in my last and right now only class of the day where I am being given an assignment to do a press release on myself. Which sounds fun so I’m gonna do some manifesting. Since it doesn’t have to be a real one and we could have fun with the assignment, I’m going to make it as if I became an EGOT winner while completing medical school. 

Is it stupid?

Yes.

Do I want to actually be me?

Also yes.

Also my ADHD has been a raging fucking bitch. I haven’t been able to focus on shit and with the Adderall shortage I have to be cautious with my stock. I can’t clean and the little I do slips back into a fucking mess. Same thing with homework. I can’t get stuff done. It sucks cause I don’t know when this shortage is going to end and I don’t know if I TRULY need my meds. Meanwhile my entire life is spiraling into the mess it was two years ago. Room: A mess, Work: Undone, Hotel: Trivago. 

Im gonna make this Saturday (whole day off) wake up early pop an addy and just clean my room (throw out trash, put away laundry, clean the clutter) and my desk. Once my room is cleaned, swept, and mopped, I will work on the kitchen and just put away and clean dishes and clean out the island and counter tops. I’ve heard playing the Mario racing music helps with cleaning so I just might do that. 

Once thats all done, I will prep for the next week and make sure that everything that needs to be done is done a head of time. 

That’s all for now. 

Hopefully see y’all next week with an update

-your blogger.

[rantingofasmallorganism]

February 6th 2023: Birthday Bashes, Possible Promotions, and Creating Controlled Chaos

Dear endless void that is the internet, so much for posting once a week huh.

It’s been 12 days since I posted and much has happened in those days. This past weekend I went to the keys to celebrate my best friend's birthday, we have this little “not so private” beach we go to when we visit the upper keys and we spent the day inebriated, swimming, and eating. Of course, cause underage drinking is frowned upon by the law, we hid our drinks in our reusable Starbucks cups and called it a day. Personally, I used strawberry acai with lemonade mixed with Alani Nu Breezberry and watermelon-flavored malibu.

Now, before I disclose the following information, I feel the need to mention that the drinking took place from around 10:30 in the morning till about 2 in the afternoon. Also, I had eaten before drinking and stopped before I had lunch. So throughout three and a half hours, I consumed about thirteen ounces of malibu on my own along with some sips of soju.|

We had lunch at this small burger place called M.E.A.T eatery and taproom. What made us decide to spend our money here wasn't a photo of the food or even the fact it was featured on "diners, drive-in, and dives", but a shirt we saw on Instagram that said, "You can't beat our meat."

Now I am an adult turning 20 in late March. I make monthly car payments and insurance payments ahead of time. In addition to this, I am a full-time student and work almost full time and am in line to get a promotion. I'd say I am responsible. However, there is a little part of me that I can only describe as a 14-year-old boy who has to laugh at things like that. "You can't beat our meat." God damn was the right. Those burgers were so good. On top of that their smoked potato salad has me drooling just thinking about them.

Overall we had a blast, we donned cowboy hats and played country music and what my cousin likes to call "old white people music". This consists of music such as that of Jimmy Buffets' "Margaritaville". We got back to my cousin's house, and dinned on pizza, soda, and slutty brownies while watching "Crazy Rich Asians". To say I love that movie is an understatement. It was a fucking masterpiece. Just absolute gold. From the script to casting to costume and set design. A solid ten out of ten.

Now today has been crazy. I woke up late and missed my first class, what a fucking joy, my only other class for today is my journalism class. This, my dear void, is where I sit and type up what you're reading. This is funny because we are on the topic of different media formats and my professor mentioned blogs and social media. She asked who has a blog and I raised my hand. Technically I have two, this one and another one on this same hell site but It's a fanfiction blog. She asked how many followers and what type of blog.

Did I answer honestly?

Of fucking course I didn't, at least not completely.

I said it's a blog where I test different concepts I want to write on and different writing styles and that I had somewhere between 900 and 1000 followers. Which is all true. What I left out was that it is a fanfiction blog mainly catering to the shows supernatural, sherlock, and marvel. I am a junior in college majoring in psych and pre-med. I do not need my cohort to learn that I am a fanfiction writer. It's not something I am ashamed of, but I know the jokes (usually are made lovingly) would never end, and that not what I need.

Some might think "pre-med and psych? Why are you taking a journalism class?" A shocker for many people (including my father), people actually have hobbies. Mine is writing. So I like to learn of all forms and styles. Creative writing, journalism, creative writing, academic research. I want to know all of it and everything that there is to know. I've published a book, won writing contests, and still run a blog, and post my ramblings onto this public forum as if it's a private diary as a way to vent. To say I like writing is an understatement. Speaking of liking things and hobbies. I like...No. I love variety. I had to rinse and repeat and I love the spontaneity of life. I also need to keep to a routine so I don't spiral out of controll and lose track of life. Recently, I've felt almost that my life has become stagnant again. I cannot put words to the way I hate stagnation.

Yes, I know people need to rest after making progress to recharge and restock energy and resources before continuing on tackling long-term goals. But I hate to stay still for too long. Usually, I need to do something small to change up my day and its scratches the ich until I find my next footing. This time it wasn't as simple as changing the scenery while doing my homework. I almost impulsively went for a walk in the forest area near my house.

Is this the type of activity that causes a person to die in a horror movie?

Yes.

Was I aware of this?

Yes

Did I do it?

No

Why?     

I got a call from my boss.    

For the past year or so I have been trying to become a shift manager at my job. Not only for the five-dollar pay raise but also due to the fact it would look great on my resume and offer me experience that would do me good in the long-term future.

 It got to the point where I've been frustrated with my job. I've been trying to move up the ladder and haven't gotten anywhere but getting fewer hours. Granted it has been the slow season for our industry and job but still. It's aggravating.

Then an angel shines down upon me and stops me from being a stereotypical dumbass horror movie character and my phone rings. My manager tells me about the opening, how to apply, and what the application and interview process looks like. Any idea of venturing into a body of woods by myself evaporated faster than it spawned and I applied to the position as fast as possible.

Now the chaos I've been looking for. The new energy flow in my life. Trying to land that position. Aside from trying to get straight A's this semester and taking a break during the summer, now I have this. Especially since I'm taking almost four months off from school and have open availability with my job. At 20 an hour, for a 60-hour paycheck, I'll make more than my monthly expenses. I'll make more in that paycheck than I do currently in a month.

I have earned this promotion, I've busted my ass and done anything and everything I can short of trying to seduce the higher-ups, and I set standards in life that prevent me from doing so.

Now I depart from this post and I am off to use the restroom and head home as my professor is ending class. Have a great day and stay safe. Till next time.

  -your blogger

[rantingofasmallorganism]

January 25th 2023

 Dear endless void that is the internet. 

Today there seemed to be a reoccurring theme that I hate addressing. Love and romance. Please don't get me wrong, I am not someone who bashes on love and hunt down cupids and keeps them fixed in my cross-eyes. I am a lover of love. Love is something that I have always been enamored with. The idea of having someone to come home to is something that I've always wanted to make my reality. I've just had the topic of love appear all throughout my day. In my philosophy class, all over my fyp, and just talking to fellow classmates where they mention how they went on small dates with their partners. It's been causing the gears in my brain to turn, and I find myself falling on a few thoughts. They scare me. 

The idea that I am destined to be alone. That I am unloveable in any romantic manner. Destined to live in a house with whatever pets I choose and spend my days in romantic solitude. I'm not anti-social. I love socializing, and I make friends easily. From classmates to teachers to customers at my job. It's easy to see I can communicate and bond with people with no issues. It just seems that my romantic goblet is bone-dry. 

It is a little concerning since most people meet their partners in either school, work, or through friends. My friends consist of four people, two of which are my cousins. We are each other only friends for the most part. I'm almost done with college with one year left and then off to medical school, and at my job, we are more of a family than romantic prospects. 

Sure, I'm 19 years old, but I turn 20 in March. I've never had a proper date. Never been in a relationship. Hell, I still haven't had my first kiss. I don't know a single person in the same situation I'm in, and that's frustrating.  

I've always been ahead of the curve academically. In terms of awards and competition, if I haven't gotten first place, I placed at least top ten. I was in the 10% academically at my high school. I was in the theatre where I was always working on a new project or planning the next show. 

Over time I've seen relationships rise and fall like empires. Some seemed as if they would stand the test of time, only to fall into a burning ember at the slightest spark of conflict. From playing matchmaker to guiding those through rough patches in relationships it feels as if my goal in life is to guide others to treasures that I cannot possess. 

I just feel as if there is something wrong with me. I know I am overweight, loud, and have, as my friends describe it, "a big personality". What scares me is that since I am on a journey to lose weight, once I do, people might look at me in a different light. That I  have a personality and a heart worth love and that I just wasn't skinny enough to have love in my diet. Or worse that my looks and weight aren't that big of a factor and I just am not worthy of having a relationship. That my personality isn't as warm or welcoming as I think it is. That my heart is too ugly to love. 

Everyone talks about what it's like to be in relationships and how they affect you. But no one talks about what it's like to never be in a relationship. The feeling that you are broken or there is something wrong with you. The feeling that you are not meant to be loved. That god or the universe has decided that my path would not be filled with romantic love. No one talks about not even being considered a choice. 

The thing is I know this is something trivial. I know that I have goals in life that go beyond finding love. But still, a part of me feels that I need this thing and there is something wrong about me that I haven't had yet.

-your blogger

[rantingofasmallorganism]

January 24, 2023

     Dear endless void that is the internet, how was your day? Cause mine was actually really good. I’ve decided that at least once a week I will upload my little online not so private diary as a way to practice my writing but also as a way to manage my day to day and my stress. Here I sit typing while babysitting (the kids are asleep so its fine) deciding what to write and I cant really settle on one thing. 

      My emotions through the day? Pretty stable, no negative or positive emotions. For a lack of better words “just vibing”

     What I did today? Work, go to my grandparents house to do homework and have dinner before I went to babysit my cousin while my aunt teaches her classes via zoom. Nothing to special.

     Today was much more of an introspection day. Thinking of all things I have to do and in what order. Figuring out my lovely arch-nemesis known as bills and how much I need to pay, about four hundred on car payments, two hundred on insurance, and since my scholarship doesn’t cover school fees or books a beautiful six hundred and fifty dollars on school.

     Well aside from adult responsibilities, I also thought about personal goals I have. My new years resolutions. Theres quite a few things I want to do. Work on my health, write more, go out more, keep my grades up. Overall just want to do more than, school, work, and stay in the four walls that is my home.

     Since January is over and February is rounding the bend, I’ve decided to set my goals for the month rather than a yearly thing. One small step at a time. 

walk for 120 minutes a week (actually work out)

bring food to school rather than order food there

Finish the blanket for my coworkers dog

Start my other coworkers blanket

Go out somewhere new once a week

Further my research in spirituality

     Now going somewhere new once a week while trying to save money seems counter intuitive. However I was thinking more of parks and small local things. Don’t get me wrong I love going out to stuff like “R House” but I want to find little pockets of paradise in the chaos that is Miami. Something small, intimate, and cheap.

     I want to find little witchy spots. tarot shops, herbalist shops, places adorned with incense and crystals. I personally love tarot and doing tea leaf readings. Some may call it superstition or a joke but personally I think its real. It hasn’t steered me wrong so far and its been 6 years since I’ve started researching and four since I’ve actually started practicing. 

      I don’t know really what else to write honestly. Maybe something later this week will strike the urge to write. That’s all for tonight.

- your blogger