Was reading a fic that had this line - like a child trusts a parent, blindly and stupidly.
We use this word, trust, too liberally.
When actually, when the topic is about a child and a parent. The child's blind belief that anything the parent say is truth. That's naivety. And because the child is fully dependent on the parent for survival, that tendency to naively believe the parents is a credulous behaviour.
Credulity is a person's willingness to believe that a statement is true, especially on minimal or uncertain evidence. It's a type of blind belief, partly from a person's naivety as well. It shows a person's lack of maturity and independent higher thinking. Or perhaps, lack of effort to challenge a status quo or higher authority.
Many adults are still like this, in workplaces, bottom feeders, the regular person against the government, and well - parents whose interaction with their child has a very top down approach.
So it's not about trust.
Because trust is an assurance based on someone's integrity, honesty and character. That is paired with their actions which match and consistently proven reliable over time. It takes accountability. Rapport. Long-standing relationship experience. All carried out well and with falliable aspects being sorted out in a mature, respectful and responsible manner.
So that is not quite possible to have between parent and child. Especially so when it is the parent who is the abusive, immature, not-trustworthy person.
So.
To correct that sentence.
A child is dependent on the parent, naive in their credulous belief.
Today is Saturday evening... Physically. I feel much better than I was.
But I'm having the strangest sensation right now. In that. I am awake. I have been awake. it's like 8.50PM in the evening. I'm not even sleepy yet.
but I'm feeling the sensation of the nightmares I usually have when I am unwell and having fevered nigthmares.
it's - i will try to describe it.
The body ache- body heaviness - lethargy. As if my body is moving through something very thick, like quicksand, or kinetic sand.
there's also this sense of like hearing, or my thoughts, are in slow-motion. you know when you watch a video and it's in slow motion, the audio is pitched lower, and there's this weird reverb, or delay. and on top of that 'slow-motion' feel, for some reason, it also feels as though it's being fast-forwarded. As though this is a fast forwarded clip being slow-mo'ed down. which is so weird.
The level of anxiety is low-key, but there's also that foreboding sense that, I should be MORE anxious. or more. something....
I don't know if all of this, is some subconscious state of mind - because my mother is returning back from her trip tomorrow. and so this week of 'peace' will end. and maybe that's what is making me more anxious. also. i was doing some financial sorting out things. and finances always make me anxious. so maybe it's these two things. combined with how - I am not full recovered physically.
to get this weird. awake. fevered nightmare feel....
The nightmare feeling - I had it again while awake.
This isn't the first few times. I searched my blog entries and found it mentioned in this earlier one (rebloged from).
So I'm here to make a note of it.
I'll try to cover these main parts;
How it feels
What possibly caused it
How I had it resolved
No. 1 - How it feels
This sense of;
Panic
Anxiety
Like I'm in trouble, something happened or something I did, and I'm in trouble now. That foreboding sense of doom. That doom is coming.
The, reverb, slow-mo, sped-up (fast-forwarded) - type of sensation. And there's a scene going on in my head like a clip. A clip that's in this reverb, slow-no, sped-up style. It's usually a conversation. Or maybe me justifying/ explaining myself to someone, my mother maybe? or just 2 people talking. But the content of the conversation is lost on me, because this emotion of - oh no oh no oh no shit shit shit - just takes over.
My breathing becomes shallow.
My stomach feels hard or heavy.
My head, my vision, fees foggy. My mind feels like it's getting lost in this fog and this emotion and I can't focus on reality. The foggy feeling, is a bit like being underwater. Or being submerged in that quicksand texture instead of water.
And then I have to try take a deeper breath, and sort of like 'surface for air' after being underwater. and those moments feel like, blinks of clarity peeking through. before the water creeps up, my hearing goes foggy (ears underwater again), then i'm drowning in the thing again.
Then again, with a deeper breath, hanging on as I scramble to distract myself.
No. 2 - What possibly caused it
My hormonal cycle. A sugar crash. Being back in my safe space where I can 'feel my emotions' again instead of being the facade mask I had been for the past ... about 10 hours.
Being a hot day, so exhausting, draining day.
No. 3 - How I had it resolved
I started noting the ''how it feels" part. and I wrote a couple of text messages to my friend and siblings. My sister's the one who asked about if I had chocolate and made me think of the 'sugar crash'.
Then, I went and had an isotonic drink, coz it also could be I was dehydrated. and chips, salty crunchy chips, just coz that's my go-to de-stress snack. then I distracted myself with youtube (which well, idk if that's good for it. but the whole 'sitting with your emotions' thing just really don't sit well with me at all when those emotions feel like it's crawling up your throat).
...
I'm realising this now as I type it that, this is the moment where you do that 5 senses thing to anchor you into reality. the touch, sight, smell, hear. I guess that's why getting a distracting youtube video helps.
Coz I see it, hear it. The isotonic drink helped coz it's a bright refreshing taste (and helps hydrate too). I got the 3 senses.
I drew a bit, so that's touch I guess.
By this point, my mind is sufficiently distracted by the other daydreams or imaginations that it's not in this quicksand emotion of anxiety anymore. Listened to some calming ambient type music (the sounds only type with no words).
So I'm alright now.
And. yeah. I just wanted to have this post out. For record's sake. And also coz I was reminded by an instagram post again today, that Journaling helps to sorta like, process it.
A Journaling exercise, journaling about a traumatic event for 4 days straight. An expressive writing protocol developed by Dr James Pennebaker. A post that summarised this.
And though I don't quite intend to do this for 4 days straight (which is what is advised, to do it for 15 minutes per day, for 4 consecutive days). It ought to do some good work.
I was typing into Google 'What attributes...' for some research on my writing stuff, and something else entirely popped up as a suggested search line -
"what attributes of god appeal to you regarding his care for his people throughout this history"
Which..... I have no idea why this is turning up on the algorithm of my writing account, where I was most recently researching Harry Potter stuff.
The top results were of the Christianity rhetoric.
With the AI overview being;
God’s care throughout history is most profoundly seen in His steadfast love, mercy, and immutability. These attributes, along with His faithfulness, compassion, and sovereignty, demonstrate a consistent, protective presence that forgives, rescues, and provides for His people even when they are unfaithful.
Hm.
My thoughts and ponderings of things Religion and God related, is something that I've turned over and over in my mind, many times.
And I'm still quite divided about how I feel or believe about it.
On one hand; it provides solace and direction, in a world full of uncertainty and evil.
On the other hand; it feels like a whole lot of speculation and blind-trust in what is inevitably, an unknown, that has thus far remained an unknown.
The unknown of - Does Heaven/ Hell really exist? Whose judgement is the ultimate truth? Because of the top religions in the world today, each of them states theirs to be the True One. And that one of the guaranteed passageways to heaven, is to believe in God.
But. Which God? If the God(s) of each of these religions claim to be The One, that will grant you heaven. And that believing in the 'wrong one' would lead you to hell. Then... Which one is the correct one?
As this realm of the afterlife, heaven, hell. Purgatory. Judgement day. All of this. Is unknown. And seems like it will remain an unknown.
The only way an individual will truly know, is after death.
because, I realise, that in way too many moments of my childhood, expressing emotions, was met harshly with orders to shut it down. To stop. To cease expressing the emotion. ...
This video - ESTHER PEREL: The Hard Truth! Love Can’t Exist Without This - time stamp 1:07:50
I started crying.
"You can do it, I believe in you."
When someone is rooting for you. One is running the marathon. the other is cheering u on.
and i just started crying...
the automatic reaction, was to tell myself 'Stop it!' coz well, crying like a baby or well just crying... my mother's voice, in my memory, repeatedly, very harshly and very fiercely telling me (or my sisters) to "Stop it!"
....
and it stops.
even now. as I sit alone, far away from my abuser, because now, i have finally been able to put physical boundaries in place.
Now. I've stopped crying. and it just feels like a blank.
when earlier, it hurt so bad, the urge to sob. that my throat hurt.
but now. my throat doesn't hurt. coz. i've gone emotionless. well. no.
no. i've gone into analytical mode. my go-to mode.
Having someone in your life, who's supportive, encouraging, that...
I don't have many people like this in my life, perhaps a few friends, but well-meaning they may be, they themselves are going through things, and maybe that's why they don't have (or my perception that they don't have) the sincerity or conviction, of belief in me, or the enthusiastic motivation-giver.
and. to be fair. I am not that person either.
I try to be supportive and encouraging, but I know myself. I lack the enthusiasm 90% of the time. Because I'm so low-energy mode.
Which is something that a lot of people in general experience.
Be it, life, the state of the world, past-traumas, unhealed traumas, etc.
A lot of people in general don't have it in them to be the 'giver' that their close ones need. (Then there's the whole, 'takers' and those who don't know how to allow themselves to 'receive').
If we consider all this in context of cycles, abuse cycles, and such. Then it comes down to having someone strong enough to break that cycle. And the truth of the matter about breaking these type of cycles is that, you need help. You need support.
But how are you going to get help and support in a world that is imbalanced, with more people who are in need, than there are people who are able to provide that need? - that's my theory anyway. I don't know about facts or stats. But... just look around you.
Doesn't that feel like the truth?
It is why wars are still rampant.
It is why terror and evil still exist.
...
In that video, Perel said this,
"There is no love story that isn't organized around overcoming obstacles.
Obstacles they have to overcome together
Attraction + obstacle = excitement, love, desire."
What happens then, when the obstacle faced proves too immense to overcome. Or even if it's a simple obstacle, but the individuals involved are ill-equipped, so they are unable to overcome it either way.
Then... there's no love there. Instead, there is contempt, hatred, regret...
This is to be said with any type of relationship. Not only romantic or sexual love.
Even the love between parent and child. The love of siblings, family, friends.
...
I don't know where I'm going with this entry anymore.... so i'll just end it here.
I guess, partly because of what I've been searching/ watching and the algorithm. And partly because many countries, including mine, are facing a birth decline trend.
I've come across more content on youtube about dating, being single, etc.
And it leaves me with a lot of mixed emotions.
For starters. Considering the culture and religion in which I was raised. By a mother who was very authoritarian. All the way till I was 20, the absolute law was to not even have male friends. That even classmates, or project mates, were only to be spoken to strictly about school work.
Basically, it was her law, enforced through brutal fear in which I was very susceptible to. That made me absolutely terrified to have any thoughts of romantic interest. The consequences, the potential hell I would face, to even entertain the thought of liking a guy, was not worth the risk. So I put it completely out of my mind.
I had a whole lot of other shit to worry about anyway. Living in that type of household I was raised in.
My best friend at the time had even asked me about who I had a crush on. And I honestly didn't feel that 'like/crush' for any guys in school. I didn't know them. Just at the most, knew what they looked like and their names. And also I had already ingrained in me, that nothing can ever be. Nothing can ever happen relationship-wise. So why bother.
Even though, I've had many male classmates chat with me. I would only politely converse, cheerfully converse too if it were topics of common interest like animes, music. But I had thoroughly friend-zoned all the guys I knew, in my mind, so even mentally, I had no experience thinking about males in any other way.
The thought process of thinking about male peers as potential boyfriends or husbands. Never crossed my mind.
I just didn't think too much about it. Or at all.
There's a general conception that young girls think about their wedding, names of their children and such. Not me. I didn't think about that. If I'm remembering correctly, a lot of what I thought of were escapism thoughts. I'd imagine myself a pokemon trainer. A Yu-Gi-Oh duelist. A basketball player. A student at hogwarts.
I was deeply immersed in my fictional worlds, related to the cartoons I watched and books I was reading.
Then. I turned 20.
And suddenly, my aunts (and my mother I think), started talking about marriage. When there was no potential male candidate ever in my life or my mentalscape.
(Side note: There was that one guy, a sorta distant family relative. But nothing came to it. I was too young. And the family was against it. In my mind as a young girl, it was mostly the feeling of flattery, that someone showed interest in me. But the bigger picture was that, ultimately, it was all in my family's control of what panned out. And nothing did.)
So back to the hitting 20 and getting mobbed with matchmaking offers. Though honestly, it wasn't that many offers. There were actually few offers of matchmaking, but the persistent and insistent questioning by aunts (and even my mother in the earlier years). You'd think I have several vying suitors every year with the way they kept asking me "Any boyfriend/ Getting married?" type questions.
No. There were not many.
And I had done up a tally.
Through the age of 20 - 33, that's 13 years, I've had chats with 10 guys. and out of that 10, I've only met face-to-face, 2 of them. Those 2 that I met face-to-face, it was for that 1st meeting, then never again. Basically 1st date. If you could even call it a date...
The rest were all text messages (and that 1 ghoster who kept using voice notes), with the first 3 being via email upon mother's insistence. After which I had to push for being able to at least text.
In all those 13 years of my life, I myself was still very much my mother's obedient daughter, a puppet, a slave to the conditionings that was enforced into me throughout my developing years.
I didn't know shit about relationships. Let alone healthy relationships. But I knew with certainty, that I did not want to marry someone who was immature, who was going to control me or expected me to fulfill some stereotypical wife role, who showed no potential or promise of being a stable person financially or in a partnership.
And all of those 10 guys, had something that I judged as a 'NO'.
True, I might have been too critical on a few of them. But there were more that deserved to be said goodbye to.
And honestly. The sheer amount of stress I felt - at being pestered at (what felt like) every single gathering interaction - was insane. One would think, that with the amount of times I was pestered, it was like I was dating a couple of guys a year. When no! It was perhaps 1 guy in that year (of which I only communicated with that fella in the time frame of a week to a month+), with a year here and there of nobody!
Frustrating.
And it only gets more frustrating in hindsight.
When here I am, typing this entry, at the age of 37. Having grown more mature. Having gained more understanding about relationships. Having a better understanding, thanks to a lot of research, and a lot of efforts made to heal from the toxic trauma that was my life. That still is my life with every negative interaction that still occurs with the older relatives.
The frustration, the exhaustion, the sadness.
Of how misguided and naive the adults in my life were. How they behaved. How they pestered. How immature they were.
And how that effected the very young adult me. 20s. What the hell did I know. Not much.
But it turns out, those adult relatives who were well in their late-40s.
They didn't know much either.
Which is sad. Because I'm here, in my late-30s, already feeling so set behind in my development. Because I did not get the upbringing of a normal person.
But at least, I'm trying to catch up. All on my own efforts. With the help of resources. With the help of seeking help from professionals.
Resources, and such professionals, of which, I understand, were not as readily available to those older relatives/ mother, as they are for me now.
But I don't know. I need to remind myself to stop giving excuses for them. Like my counsellor helped me see. That there are adults out there, in the same generation as my mother and aunts. Who were not as irrational.
Who despite their era, of not having much resources and professional help. Managed to figure things out, and mature into wise adults.
... Now I just feel tired. And sad.
Sad that my youth was spent in servitude and stress.
Sad that my prime days of finding a life-long partner, has passed. And now, that I'm more aware and perhaps more equipped, I am already past the age where men would marry women. Coz society and life has always been unfairly cruel to women. And this is just one of the ways.
I do want to have a special someone.
But. I do not need, a special someone.
It is a want, at the end of the day.
At least, that's what the me of today, 37 years old, thinks.
I have my friends, my siblings, the younger generation of family. Whom I have to grow old with. And that is needs fulfilled enough. I'm grateful I have that at least. For I know, there are people, who don't even have people they can call close friends. Or siblings.
Traumatized intelligent children often use their intellect as a defense mechanism, analyzing rather than feeling emotions. They may experience profound perfectionism, chronic self-doubt, and "imposter syndrome", or they may hide their pain, leading to high-functioning depression and anxiety. This often leads to Gifted Child Trauma: Intelligence as Prison | Annie Wright, Parentification Trauma as a Highly Sensitive, Intense and Gifted Child.
Key Consequences and Behavioral Patterns
Emotional Intellectualization: They rationalize, analyze, and "solve" feelings like math problems rather than processing them emotionally.
The "Mask" of Competence: Gifted children often hide their struggle, appearing fine, which delays intervention.
Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: A high-pressure, fixed mindset develops where mistakes are viewed as catastrophes.
Parentification: They may take on adult responsibilities, leading to intense feelings of premature responsibility and stress.
Existential Depression: A deep sense of injustice and sensitivity to the world's flaws, often feeling overwhelmed by fairness issues.
Long-Term Impact of Trauma
Physical Health: Chronic stress can lead to somatic symptoms like, such as headaches or stomachaches.
Repressed Trauma: Unaddressed trauma can manifest later in life as mental illness, addiction, or profound self-doubt.
Relationship Issues: They may develop people-pleasing behaviors or struggle with trusting others.
What category do these words fall under?; Dissociation, Numbness, Withdrawn, Existential spiral, Hopelessness, Shame, Attachment rupture, Grief, Anger, Shutdown, Resistance, Despair, Masking, Perfectionism, Fragile pride, Invalidation
And I saved these snippets of the results -
These terms are commonly discussed within the framework of attachment theory (developed by John Bowlby) and studies on structural dissociation.
The long-term emotional, relational, and psychological aftermath of chronic, early-life relational ruptures, neglect, or emotional invalidation.
[Existential Spiral/Despair] refers to the deep, long-term impact of these issues on one’s sense of purpose and safety in the world.
An existential spiral is a rapid, overwhelming cycle of anxiety, panic, or hopelessness triggered by questioning the meaning of life, death, or personal purpose. It often involves a feedback loop of obsessive, unsolvable questions—such as "Does anything matter?"—that makes reality feel unreal, causes detachment, or triggers intense fear regarding the future.
Common characteristics;
Fear of Death/Meaninglessness: Deep anxiety about the inevitability of death and whether life has a purpose. --> Though this does not quite apply to me. I would rather death come, painlessly, so then I can cease to exist and have these thoughts that plague me, cease too.
Overthinking and Distrust: Doubting your decisions and doubting if reality is real.
Isolation: Feeling alienated, as if you are the only one struggling with these thoughts.
How to Manage an Existential Spiral
Grounding: Engage in physical, present-moment activities (e.g., cooking, walking, feeling your surroundings) to break the cycle.
Focus on the Immediate: Find purpose in small, tangible actions rather than trying to solve the "puzzle" of life.
Seek Connection: Discuss these thoughts with others to break the isolation, or speak to a therapist to process the anxiety, say specialists at Human Health.
And well, besides the children whom I have a close relationship with. I guess, I don't care a lot about anyone else either...
I have a good relationship with my friends, and a functional relationship with my siblings. And a forced obligatory relationship with the older relatives (parents included).
But. Do I care?
I don't know.
Even for the people I like.
If i think about them dying. I'll be sad that they're gone. But it's a sadness that's selfish.
I'll be sad because, I won't have someone to hang out with. Someone to talk to. That person's existence is for my human need for connection. It feels selfish?
Or is it just.... human?
Do onto others what you want for yourself.
Like, birthday gifts. I like receiving gifts. And I have received nice gifts. So of course I feel pressured to return a gift too.
This chapter. This character. Feels so like me....
https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/51529918
It was as if he felt too much and too little at the same time. He was unbothered but still anxious. Tense but chill. Tired but functioning. It was a contradiction.
But where do you hide, when you’re in the same space as what you’re hiding from?
How about we hang out in this amazing imaginary world, in your head? Oh, here’s a book, that’s great too! How many can you read in a week? Games? Comics? Just as great, can barely hear how disgusting your mum thinks your dad is! This TV-show is really great, see how easy it is to block out the thoughts and the noise? Let’s just turn the volume a little bit higher, there we go. No need to get stuck on all those things your parents hate about each other, even if a lot of those things you can also recognise in yourself. Nah. Just, have a fake conversation with someone in your head, maybe a little fantasy-romance, hm?
.....
Just because Nathan had managed to escape the fighting by moving out, his brain was still wired to react as if he was still there.
And apparently exciting felt close enough to anxiety and stress, that it triggered the ever so lovely malfunctioning safety-mechanism
The hardest conscious effort was to cut down on the time he spent daydreaming. It was still something Nathan allowed himself at night, as fantasising fake scenarios brought him comfort and helped him sleep…
This kind of crap was only happening in his escapist daydreams!
....
Escapist daydreams....
Chap 9 - It was always so strange, having what felt like two different brains. One that was rational and completely aware of what was going on, and one that didn’t give two shits about that, wrecking havoc no matter what.
...
Chap 13
It was always like this. There was no resolve. No apologies. No one talked and everything just continued on as if nothing had happened.
Both were bad, according to the two most important people in his life. People he owed everything. People he trusted.
Both were horrible, bad, not right, disgusting… and Nathan was both of them. Just like both of them.
Nervous, inside his shoulders, and right under his collarbones. Excitement was still too close to anxiety for him to differentiate, but Nathan could feel the hesitance, something holding him back from giving fully into the burst of happy anticipation. It was all a jumbled mess below his ribs and under his breastbone, but Nathan breathed into it, allowing himself to feel it.
Totally relatable-
One moment Nathan was all wrapped up and cosy, ready to sleep, and the next he was sobbing his eyes out, curled up small under the covers.
The point here, the grief. The GRIEF...
It was finally hitting his very core; the grief over a childhood that had supposed to feel safe and easy, the opposite of what Nathan had gotten.
...
And Nathan felt so fucking bad, because that kid had gone through a lot.
Yeah... yeah. The kid I was, had gone through a lot...
This chapter. This character. Feels so like me....
https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/51529918
It was as if he felt too much and too little at the same time. He was unbothered but still anxious. Tense but chill. Tired but functioning. It was a contradiction.
But where do you hide, when you’re in the same space as what you’re hiding from?
How about we hang out in this amazing imaginary world, in your head? Oh, here’s a book, that’s great too! How many can you read in a week? Games? Comics? Just as great, can barely hear how disgusting your mum thinks your dad is! This TV-show is really great, see how easy it is to block out the thoughts and the noise? Let’s just turn the volume a little bit higher, there we go. No need to get stuck on all those things your parents hate about each other, even if a lot of those things you can also recognise in yourself. Nah. Just, have a fake conversation with someone in your head, maybe a little fantasy-romance, hm?
.....
Just because Nathan had managed to escape the fighting by moving out, his brain was still wired to react as if he was still there.
And apparently exciting felt close enough to anxiety and stress, that it triggered the ever so lovely malfunctioning safety-mechanism
The hardest conscious effort was to cut down on the time he spent daydreaming. It was still something Nathan allowed himself at night, as fantasising fake scenarios brought him comfort and helped him sleep…
This kind of crap was only happening in his escapist daydreams!
....
Escapist daydreams....
Chap 9 - It was always so strange, having what felt like two different brains. One that was rational and completely aware of what was going on, and one that didn’t give two shits about that, wrecking havoc no matter what.
...
Chap 13
It was always like this. There was no resolve. No apologies. No one talked and everything just continued on as if nothing had happened.
Both were bad, according to the two most important people in his life. People he owed everything. People he trusted.
Both were horrible, bad, not right, disgusting… and Nathan was both of them. Just like both of them.
I find myself. Sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of the night.
Mourning. For a mother. That I actually never had. That has. Had. Have. Died.
For a father. That never existed. In a world where men more often are monsters. Than they are protectors, or even mere companions.
For a place where i feel nurtured. That never existed.
For my conception and existence and being, was as a retirement plan for my parents.
Where I'm just a worker bee, whose sole purpose is to serve a system.
.... whenever I try to go to sleep early. Without some fictional reading material to occupy my mind to the point of falling asleep. When there's room for my thoughts to drift.
I then find myself in positions like this. Where it's anger. And grief. So much grief and crying....
I was feeling good today, no wait, I did feel good today.
The first day of 2026 was good.
and was thinking about making a post.
Then I got several texts (to be fait, those texts came in past midnight, so it was 2nd Jan) and was reminded of the toxic people that still exist in my life. Even if it was just by extension.
-sighs-
01 Jan 2026 started of with a bang, fireworks, literally. Went for the new year countdown at the town I grew up in. With the family members that I have a better relationship with (and a couple others).
Spent most of the day (31 Dec) with the kids, treating them to a day out, before we met up with the rest to go catch the fireworks. My social battery was drained, but in a good way, so despite bring tired and ready for peace and quiet (because god damn, it's hella noisy and the lights were blinding at count down parties...). I stayed. Because part of me knew that I would feel lonely if I had went home, alone, for the new year.
I watched the fireworks. Said bye to the fam. Rushed for the train and managed to beat most of the crowding.
Got home late, showered and went to bed soon enough.
1st of Jan started late, which is good too, weekend vibes despite it being a Thursday. Watched a Ghibli movie, the Poppy hill one. Had nice coffee and melon pan. Just slacked the day away mostly. Laundry being the most productive thing I did.
Watched a lot of youtube. Which is the typical ごろごろする mood. A good day.
I liked that my hair looked good. The colour stood out just nice against my black shirt. I didn't feel pressured about tidying up, despite there being much chores to catch up with. I was feeling good, that my counselling session came to a conclusion.
Earlier this week, I had my last session - which I already guessed was coming to a close. The counsellor most probably has more serious cases anyway, and I was starting to feel bad for taking up her time.
Being in a much better mental health space now.
and yet.
When I read those texts from my sister, about an interaction she had with my mother. The same usual, passive aggressive, never having anything nice to say, type of interaction. My sister was obviously very hurt by the interaction. Hormones didn't help obviously. But also, I suppose, it's the empathy I have for her, my understanding of the situation.
My instant thought in reaction to it, was guilt.
Guilt.
The thought of, "I should have been there to help, then it wouldn't have been that bad."
The knee-jerk response, emotional response of guilt, thought response of "I should have helped. I could have made it less worse if I had helped." All this, that is my fallacy. Remains as a immediate response reaction.
I had to pause, in my replies to my sister, I had to re-write my messages. Because I had immediately typed, "If I knew that ....etc... I would have ....(offers of help)..." , but I backspaced, and re-wrote my response. I paused and wrote about how we need to accept - because this is one of the things I learned, from therapy, from my own research. That we need to accept the things/ people / situations that we have no control over. That we need to acknowledge for ourselves, our own inner voice and inner critic - that we (me, I, myself) has done what we can do. To the best of our ability and the best or most of our attempts. A reassurance to yourself. Reassurance and confirmation (with receipts written to myself as reminders) that I have done enough. To tell myself (yourself), that I (you) have done enough.
I have done enough.
I have helped more than I actually had the capacity to. Because I had helped and I had done above and beyond my limits. To a point where I felt utterly drained and exhausted. A cup that kept on pouring out, giving, being taken from. With no chance of recovery to recharge and replenish in an environment where I was scarcely given in return.
I have helped more than what my capacity had been. To a point where, "helping", it is still my first automatic response when my empathy is triggered.
It takes me time to pause and reflect.
But now I know, and I have the space, to do so.
This here is my pause, reflection, and my notes and receipt to myself.
I feel as if, this hormones, during my teenage years it was physical pain. The chaos of those years. Which I can't recall clearly now.
Then the 20s... where it was majority of the time. About survival. More survival and struggle in 30s.
Then now as i am closer to 40s than 30s. The emotional state i find myself often in. I don't know if it's partly due to the hormones. Or also partly due to the healing process I have been in...
In the past. I numbed myself a lot. To survive.
And now. I guess. I am feeling more. The whole, sitting with your emotions, is acknowledging they are there. Feeling it. Instead of ignoring it or numbing yourself to it.
It was too late, when the humans came. They were a young species, still exploring outwards, vital and thriving.
We… were not.
War had ravaged us, and sickness, and war once again, until our population dwindled beyond the point of recovery. We struggled against that, of course… we used genetic manipulation, and cloning, and even more desperate measures. None succeeded. When the humans came, we were sinking into apathy, only a few tens of us left. We had begun to discuss whether we should commit a mass suicide, or simply wait to fade away.
And then the young species came, in their clumsy ships, and they asked us why we were so few.
“We are becoming extinct,” we told them. “We have passed the point of recovery.”
It is custom to avoid the races that are dying – once a species reaches the point of inevitable extinction, even war is suspended, and the fiercest enemy pulls back. The custom was born of plagues and poisons that could be carried forth from a dying world to afflict a healthy one, but it has the implacable weight of tradition now. After we are gone, after they have waited for the prescribed period of quarantine, there will be a fight for our world. Habitable worlds are few, and this is a good one, with plenty of free groundwater and thriving vegetation. It is a bitter thing to be grateful for the custom that allows us to die in peace, but we are grateful.
But the humans don’t know that custom, and they do not leave. They seem distraught, when we tell them we are dying, and try to offer their aid - but their technology is behind ours, and it is too late. When they realize that they can’t save us, though, they do something that bewilders us.
This felt so emotional. Which is weird. On a day that I was feeling kinda apathetic.
“We were here. We mattered. We lived. Do not forget us.” She touches my forelimb again. “We do not want you to disappear and be forgotten. We will remember you, when you are gone.”
... I wondered about this. About how, humans, tend to have a compulsion to leave behind their legacy. Usually in the form of children. Usually from a desire to be remembered, to live on in some form, to be preserved in memory when their physical being and soul are gone.
But what of the humans. Who have lived horrible lives?
When I think of this. With my life full of trauma. I also feel a need to leave behind, the lessons I've learned, from being a traumatised child. My worldview, the lens of which people like me view the world, how we are, how we can become survivors, or thrive. Or. We can become the scum of the earth. Greedy. Narcissistic. Abused turned into Abuser.
For what purpose? This alien race who lived in the present asked that.
For what?
In hopes that the future will have a chance to be better with these lessons learned.
In hopes that the future can benefit from the information preserved and passed on.
In hopes that there is less, needless, avoidable suffering.
Is this what humanity, compassion, emotions, is this what it is?
I wonder if, the reason why I'm thinking of things like;
What is life? What is purpose? What is the point of humankind?
Is because. I have time.
I have time and mental energy. I have time, energy, to spare.
I am no longer, so utterly exhausted, packed to the brim with mentally taxing situations and things and never ending chores. The way I used to be, when I was still trapped in a negative environment.
Now. That it has been some time, since my departure from that environment. Since my time spent at that negative environment, is now significantly less, than my time spent in my own safety (or at work, then again, work isn't very stressful.)
I was reflecting on - my Japan trips, how my 3rd trip to Japan is coming up in less than 2 months. And how each of these trips had taken place in very different stages of my life.
The first one, 2016, was the much belated, much difficult-to-arrange, trip that ended up being me being tour guide to my uncle and aunt. The part where I ended up going with my uncle and aunt, instead of my friends, was coz mother kept changing the goal post and it ended up being impossible to arrange with my friends. It was memorable, because it was the first, and because of a few bad experiences mainly due to my uncle being a misogynistic, inconsiderate, person. I witnessed and heard first hand how he treated his wife like a servant. It wasn't drastic or very bad, it was the 'norm' of his generation. It was an eye opener, because like they say, you learn more about a person when you travel together. Certainly did not help my opinion of him when he 'went missing' like 2 times, and close to went missing a few times. It being my first trip. It being the me I was at the time where I felt wholly responsible for my uncle and aunt. A time when I felt that, if anything went wrong, it was my responsibility to fix it.
The second one, 2019, was the True Holiday Peace Rest experience. It was nearly 3 weeks long, so it was a long stretch of rest. Most importantly, it was a hard fight to gain the permission slip from mother. She had promised, after my disastrous 1st trip, that she would let me go again with a friend. With just me and hh, and hh pushing me to keep asking mother to confirm - coz she needed to buy the plane tickets. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, risked the nerve wrecking anxiety filled tension, the anger from her, the whole 'you force me' when she actually felt pressured because she couldn't break her promise like she usually would, because I kept asking instead of allowing her to break her promise like she always did. So, after a hard battle fought and injuries sustained. I came out on the other side. Victorious. and magnificent was the reward.
It was a changing point - one that I am realizing, looking back - and the start of a new mindset.
That peace is possible. That hard work and fighting against oppression, and coming out victorious, is rewarded. With peace. With potential. Possibility. A new future I never dared imagine.
At the end of 2019 and 2020 was the pandemic era. That in itself held many significant moments. Off the top of my head;
- those 2 weeks of WFH, and the complete lack of understanding from parents.
- BTS. Love Yourself era sank into me, even though it was MOTS season.
- the whole nonsense with grandma and that expensive house.
- coming closer to being the age where, i could make a big decision, if i wanted.
I knew what I wanted to do when 2024 came around. I started preparing from Feb 2023, by going for counselling.
Speaking to a professional, helped, a lot. I can't even recall all the things that was talked about. I spoke to the counsellor as frequent as once a week, to once a month, during 2023. I can't recall the frequency since then, but now in late 2025, there are like 2-3 months gap between sessions.
The 2019 Japan trip was something I did mention, during one of those sessions. That the trip was a highlight, a core memory, of my life.
And now... I have another one coming up December 2025. It's not perfect, then again nothing should be perfection aye, coz we're going at an expensive time, late in autumn, due to a friend's schedule. But well. The fact that i am going again is already a bonus.
And since I've already moved out. There was significantly less of the anxiety of informing mother. I had made plans, bought tickets, before even telling her.
I wanted to make a note of my thoughts, before the trip. That. Now that I'm at a different stage of my life - post having moved out - going to Japan feels much different, than my first trip there.
I don't know if it's the lack of the newness thrill. Or the disappointment of not getting the peak season i wanted. Or that I need to spend more money coz it's an expensive season. Or that, that friend is a different sort of traveller and irks me at times. Lol.
I'm also wondering, and aware, at how u grateful this seems. Have I become less grateful, have I started taking the small pleasures for granted? The me from 2019 was overjoyed at the mere fact that i was going to Japan at all.
The me of today, seems to think that to achieve that sense of joy again, this Japan trip needs to be better. When the truth of the matter, getting to go again, is already better in itself.
Isn't it?
So yeah.... just pensive about those thoughts. So I wrote it here.
