✰ * º ❛ you’re the worst sentence starters. ❜
‘ who knows their own address? ’ ‘ are we feminists? is this feminism? ’ ‘ i’m not a sidekick! i’m beyonce, not kelly rowland. ’ ‘ your cockaholism may just be about the least important thing in the world to me right now. ’ ‘ i wouldn’t call 10 a.m. ‘really early’. ’ ‘ cool! let’s add cocaine to the butt stuff. ’ ‘ you can’t leave! i love you! ’ ‘ do you even know what love means? ’ ‘ now go make me some bagel bites. ’ ‘ love isn’t about having somebody get you things. love is putting someone else’s feelings above your own. do you think you could ever do that? honestly? ’ ‘ do i look like a fitbit? i don’t give a shit about your sleep. ’ ‘ why are you yelling at me? what are you doing in my house? ’ ‘ i need you to act like a human person and pick up your damn phone when i call your skank ass! ’ ‘ you know, after i cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark. ’ ‘ did you wear your booby shirt? ’ ‘ if i don’t get a night off soon, i think my liver is gonna slide out of my body. ’ ‘ i’m peeing blood and i briefly forgot the word for telephone. ’ ‘ you’re right. she’s gonna hate me. ’ ‘ you think i’m an unfriendly treacherous mountain? ’ ‘ we’re adults! we can do this ourselves. ’ ‘ you’re losing your hair. ’ ‘ practicing what? dying alone? ’ ‘ i told the spice girls i was dying in order to get free concert tickets. ’ ‘ i learned blue balls were a myth when i was 12. ’ ‘ i’m not much of a cleaner. ’ ‘ you’re not much of a human! ’ ‘ did you slither out of your mothers cooch yesterday? ’ ‘ i can’t believe i finally made a new friend and i tried to bang her the first time we hung out. ’ ‘ no offense, but you’re kind of making my skin crawl. ’ ‘ i’m not comfortable about feelings. ’ ‘ aren’t we lucky we’re both in professions where we can day drink? ’ ‘ i’m glad this is a one-night thing so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves. ’ ‘ what do you mean you watch tv on your computer? ’ ‘ i don’t know what i’m doing here. i’m not even attracted to you. ’ ‘ you two are poison people. this is gonna end so badly. ’ ‘ if you wanna go, just go. ’ ‘ why can’t you just let this be over? ’ ‘ you and i, we’re inevitable. ’ ‘ move in with me. ’ ‘ i just humiliated myself by accepting your non-marriage proposal, i cannot now move in with you. ’ ‘ you’re just doing this as a hail mary because you know you’re about to lose me for good. ’ ‘ what i have finally realized is that the worst possible draft of my life is the one without you in it. i hate it, but you goddamn floor me. ’ ‘ oh shit… we’re gonna do this even though we know there is only one way this ends. whether in a week or twenty years, there is horrible sadness and pain coming in and we’re inviting it. ’ ‘ she stayed! you say she forced you, but we both know there’s not a person on this planet who’s ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything. she stayed and that means something whether you wanna admit it or not. ’ ‘ i’m not doing anything… i’m crying in my car. ’ ‘ don’t start keeping secrets now. ’ ‘ the only thing i need from you is to not make a big deal with it and be okay with how i am and the fact that you can’t fix me. ’ ‘ no, i’m mad at you because you think you can fix me! you can’t fix me! i don’t need to be fixed! ’ ‘ it’s like you have amnesia. every day you think things are gonna be different. ’ ‘ maybe you can understand this: i feel nothing. ’ ‘ i’ll be back in a couple of days. ’ ‘ you stayed? …you stayed! ’ ‘ you just said ‘boyfriend.’ ’ ‘ i understand that my actions could lead you to feel a bit unwelcome and i’ll work on not being such a control freak. ’ ‘ i’m done comparing this to what normal people do. ’ ‘ normal people are terrible. ’ ‘ when i look at you, i swear i can see years years into the future with you. ’ ‘ …i love you too. ’ ‘ i’ve just heard that you’re the worst. ’ ‘ i tricked him into giving me back rubs, saying it made me horny. ’ ‘ obviously, i thought it was, like, boring as shit. ’ ‘ clearly you used to jack off to hemingway in high school. ’ ‘ i’m an irresponsible monster who burned down her apartment with a vibrator. ’ ‘ if there is even a remote possibility of breakfast and you don’t wake me up, i will never touch your dick again with any part of my body. ’ ‘ jokes on you, dummy, i’m already horny. ’ ‘ oh my god! that is so sexist and mansplain-y. ’ ‘ if ‘i love you’ is like a promise, it’s just a promise to try real hard. doesn’t mean you can’t fail. ’ ‘ i shit myself earlier and that is only the second most embarrassing thing that has happened to me today. ’ ‘ you knew who i was, you don’t get to act surprised now. ’ ‘ bam! carpe those diems! ’ ‘ i have to gone girl myself and start over where nobody knows me. ’ ‘ i’m going to have a baby. ’ ‘ i just want my kids to be sad when i die. ’ ‘ i didn’t want to kill him. i just snapped! ’ ‘ i feel guilty because of how much he suffered… and because you stabbed him on purpose. ’ ‘ you’re so getting murdered. ’ ‘ i can’t tell him my brain is broken. ’ ‘ don’t stalk me again because you suck at it. ’ ‘ back off, bitch. ’ ‘ don’t go. ’ ‘ i got your back, always. ’ ‘ you might not be useful in the radish sense, but you’re a good friend and you make people happy. ’ ‘ when i get back, you’re going to take me to a real bar and feed me cheap whiskey until i forget about that time i stopped being able to have sex with my boyfriend ever again because he took me to a bar that only served water! ’ ‘ so, would you say it’s a… problem-free philosophy? it’s like… no worries for the rest of your days? ’ ‘ did you just quote the lion king to me? ’ ‘ hey, um, so listen… i think you’re funny and cute and i’d like to take you on a date with me for a date. ’ ‘ why did you put a murder tour on your list? ’ ‘ you even quit a rewards club because you couldn’t handle the commitment. ’ ‘ wear your stains on the outsides of your clothes. ’ ‘ see? dogs eat nachos. ’ ‘ hey, that’s your best garbage bag. you going somewhere? ’ ‘ i’ll be out by the time you get back. have fun, you deserve it… whoever she is. ’ ‘ red licorice vodka? ’ ‘ send money, loser! ’ ‘ and you date him… willingly. ’ ‘ my heart is a dumb dumb. ’ ‘ i’ve always been able to flip myself back over eventually, but… i ran out of times. this is how i am now and it’s not okay with you, nor should it be. ’ ‘ i suppose it’s good that this happened now, instead of like, ten years down the line. ’ ‘ the world is absolutely lousy with people and i hate them all. i hate everyone but you. ’ ‘ what the hell is wrong with us? ’ ‘ let’s make a pact never to feel anything around each other ever again. ’ ‘ i’ve never eaten a blueberry. ’ ‘ i’ve always had one foot out the door. with everything. especially with us. ’ ‘ so, you might just suddenly bounce out of here? ’ ‘ can we just… bail? ’ ‘ you’ve had a little too much to drink, didn’t you, buddy? ’
