Raquel's Ramblings

[raqfrench]

Dear Candidate

Dear Candidate  We regret to inform— Unfortunately, your application— —don’t fit the company culture.  All the best with— Remember, this is not a reflection of your character or your abilities. This does not diminish your accomplishments.  But also remember that the sun is still going to rise tomorrow. Oh, and you have that chocolate in your top drawer. Mmmmm.  You should listen to your…

Dear Candidate

[raqfrench]

Better Shared

Listening to a new album is more exciting when I do it with you. When I know what your favourite song is before I’ve heard the whole album. To hear a song and know that this is your song. To only add something to the playlist because I know that you would enjoy it.  Reading a new book is more thrilling when you’ve already read it and can point out all the weird parts of the book, like why does…

Better Shared

[raqfrench]

This Took Effort. That's Why It's Beautiful.

I have a confession to make. I have been using those AI image generators. It’s quite fun to put in a prompt, wait a couple of minutes, and then, ta da, an image appears. And that’s the whole selling point for people like me, who have very little artistic talent. The tech bros love the convenience of being able to do something in minutes, something that has taken many years to master.  But these…

This Took Effort. That's Why It's Beautiful.

[raqfrench]

I Drink Tea That Stains My Teeth

I drink tea that stains my teeth. And I eat food that I enjoy, even if it makes my skin break out and might add a little weight around my hips. I prefer low-maintenance hairstyles, because I don’t enjoy styling my hair. I paint my own toenails, even when it comes out messy. I keep the hair on my arms.I don’t know what my weight is, because the last time I checked was when I had surgery … six…

I Drink Tea That Stains My Teeth

[raqfrench]

Still Waiting For Someone To Tell Me To Leave

If you tell me I’m smart, I’ll tell you it’s because I work hard, because the system is made for my kind of brain, that I had a good upbringing, that the odds tend to be in my favour.  It’s mostly because I don’t believe you. And it doesn’t matter the evidence you show me to convince me that I am smart. I’ll just show you someone who is doing better than me, someone who grasps concepts quicker,…

Still Waiting For Someone To Tell Me To Leave

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I Contain Multitudes

Whenever I drive behind a car with bad fumes, I switch the aircon to circulate, just like the mom of the blonde girl who sat in front of me in Grade 4.  My favourite colour is purple, just like the girl I no longer talk to.  All the emojis I use are from learnt behaviour and too much time texting my friends. The dance emoji after slay. The salute emoji after agreeing with someone. The giggle…

I Contain Multitudes

[raqfrench]

Not All Men

Here’s to the mechanics who fixed my car and didn’t treat me any differently just because I was a young woman.  Here’s to the boy who gracefully accepted my no after asking for my number and left me alone.  Here’s to my male best friends who are always ready to give lifts to the girls, who check that we got home safe, who have never made me feel uncomfortable, who create spaces where I can…

Not All Men

[raqfrench]

Poppy

When I walked into the kitchen that morning and the curtain wasn’t pulled up because you would never sit there again, I burst into tears.  I didn’t realise that losing a dog could hit this hard. That I would get a pit in my stomach at the thought of no longer seeing your fur make tumbleweeds across our floors or being able to squish your face or brush you.  I don’t want to say that there’s a…

Poppy

[raqfrench]

Observations from a Church Pew

If you’ve lost your faith in humanity, I think the best place to regain it is in a church pew just before Mass starts. Particularly a church like St. Charles Catholic Church, my home parish, where the church is a semi-circle. So if you sit in one of the pews at the back on the end of the semi-circle, you get a pretty good view of the church.  From here, you can watch two little kids arrive with…

Observations from a Church Pew

[raqfrench]

Growing up

It’s giving good advice but knowing that good advice is tough to follow.  It’s starting to earn your own money but now you’re worried about spending it.  It’s waking up with a pit in your stomach, fearing that your world might end today but it’s just another Tuesday morning. It’s knowing that this test doesn’t define who you are but it might define your future. It’s making choices today for…

Growing up

[raqfrench]

Skills: (F1) Fangirl

My poor family has become bombarded with Formula One. It’s all I talk about at the dinner table, when making breakfast, whenever we’re together. It’s so bad that on one of the morning walks with my dad when I didn’t mention F1, he asked me why there was no F1 talk that day. I’m listening to four F1 podcasts, watching almost every race (sleep is important, so those US races are not a good idea),…

Skills: (F1) Fangirl

[raqfrench]

Why I Didn't Tell Anyone About My Grandmother's Death

A few months ago, my paternal grandmother died from cancer. If you’re close to me and this is the first time you’re hearing about it, don’t feel like a bad friend. I only told three people, and only because we were all together and one of them asked how she was doing. I had to tell them that she had died.  Grief for me has always been something a little strange, perhaps because I have only lost…

Why I Didn't Tell Anyone About My Grandmother's Death

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Loved

The past couple of months have been really tough. I failed a test for the first time in my academic career, lost motivation, forgot how to be compassionate to the person I see in the mirror, and my grandmother died. I lost a bit of faith, in myself and the world. 20 has hit hard, and I’m still reeling from the previous punch when the next one hits. The world continues to crumble around me, as…

Loved

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Ignorance Was Bliss

Guess who discovered she’s actually super insecure about her body? Whoop, whoop, it’s meeee. When going through the (harrowing) teen years, I was lucky. I was a teen girl who didn’t hate what she saw in the mirror. That’s not to say I thought I was soooo good-looking and had no flaws. I was just learning to be okay with them. So by the time I turned 20, I thought everything would be fine. And…

Ignorance Was Bliss

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Tell Your Friends They're Pretty

It’s rough out here. We were promised change after the body positivity movement. And sure, things got better (the bar was on the floor, though, so it wasn’t hard). But we still scroll through perfect women with flawless skin: no pimples, no acne scars, no body hair, no stretch marks, no scars. Even the body positivity gurus show themselves in the best light, influencers ignore their pretty…

Tell Your Friends They're Pretty

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Not Doing Life Right

“I’m not doing life right,” I say as I wake up in a warm bed, with a roof over my head, in a house with running water and electricity. All because I saw some woman on Instagram post her 5-bedroom luxury apartment with all the extra appliances you could dream of. “I’m not doing life right,” I say as I try to choose what to wear from a mountain of clothes, as I pick the perfect earrings for today…

Not Doing Life Right

[raqfrench]

A Little Crush(ed)

I got a little crush. This is about to be very embarrassing.  It was bad. We’re talking sweaty-palms-before-saying-hello kinda crush. Losing-train-of-thought-after-he-greets-me kinda crush. Taking-up-all-my-brain-space kinda crush. I felt goofy and giggly. I was over-analysing every interaction (what does it take for him to like my stories? Is it okay to greet him when he’s with his friends?…

A Little Crush(ed)