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This Christian Life

Wow!! It’s been a long time I wish I would’ve put dates on all my post, but I didn’t. Anyhow, I’ll sign the date on this one. However, side note I started posting on this around June2018 and I would say the last post before this one was about November2018. I wasnt going to post on here, but I feel the need to maybe it’s God or me not wanting to write. This Christian life is tough and lately I haven’t been feeling like a Christian. I’ve hardly read my Bible, prayed to GOD, attend church, and to be honest I’ve just been filled with lots of doubt, fear and insecurities. Not to mention that I got too close into having intercourse with someone a week ago because I’m at the point of not understanding the point in all this. For many reasons I want to continue this Christian marathon because it’s not a race and to see the faithfulness of God that many people talk about. But I have doubts that come in a form of questions “Are my desires really going to be fulfilled? Is his plan really better than mine? Am I going to even live long enough to get married, have kids or fulfill my purpose? Do I have a purpose? Am I walking on the path toward my purpose? Will I ever be completely 100% committed to God?” I’m tired I am honestly tired. I know I don’t want to go back to my ways of the world because that came with a lot of brokenness. However, lately I just haven’t been feeling this Christina life either. Like how can one balance it all. How can I go to work, yoga, cook, sleep, read my Bible, pray, have a sabbath, read books, attend small groups, apply for grad school, get out of debt and so on. I try but something always seems to get neglected and lately it’s been God. I’m worried to go so far back that I come to a point where I don’t care anymore. Thank God for community!! If it wasn’t for them I don’t know where I’d be. I have to be honest though I haven’t been this honest with them mainly because I haven’t been this honest with myself. I just feel like right now I’m at a place where I’d like to call DISCOURAGEMENT in every area of my life.

04/2019

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Sunday

So today I’m feeling better and I made the last post last night. I feel better today for some reason the enemy has been really attacking me on whether or not I still like the guy. I’ve been feeling nothing and haven’t had any feelings towards him so in my mind I’m like oh gosh Chanel please don’t tell me you would actually go down that road again. Then I realized I have no desire to call, text, contact or ever see him again. However, the reason I’m feeling this way is because of how healed I am from that situation. I can’t feel anything because I can no longer relate. All the dumb things I did and all the things I accepted no longer hurt me because I am healing from it and I am farther in my healing than I even knew. I use to think about the things he did that made me feel just Iike a side chick and I would feel soo angry or some form of emotion that I allowed myself to be treated that way and now when the enemy keeps trying to bring it back up I FEEL NOTHING!!!! Which was confusing me at first lol. I am open to whoever God brings into my life I don’t hate anyone who has done me wrong but I know God would not bring me someone who would take me farther away from him. Thank you Jesus for healing. It’s still a process because like I said last night I still have my insecurities but I m sooooooooo much better than I was when I started this blog almost three months ago! ❤️ God always wins.

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It’s been a while!!!!

Wow I haven’t posted in awhile and I really want to get back posting a lot. Sadly but I’m positing which Means currently I’ not feeling to good but I’m optimistic that when I’m done I’ll be feeling better. If I’m being honest I believe all these emotions (no I’m not crying) I’m feeling right now is probably due to the fact that my periods going to start soon (tmi:)). I’ve been feeling blah again it’s hard to explain I’m not sad but just kind of allowing my mind to wander to a dangerous place. I thought about the girl that he was with and I was on her ig and reading too much into her post and just putting myself in a place that I shouldn’t. Then I started feeling really sexual last night and I was thinking about him and imaginin things. I was just going in a place I haven’t been in a while and I don’t like it. I’ve said it before but I want to get to the point where it doesn’t matter if him and her get together because I don’t want to hold any bitterness I want to be happy for everyone. So in Jesus name I am removing any spirit of bitterness, insecurity, and anything that doesn’t alllign to how God sees me. My king is coming and I will not feel this way again in Jesus name Amen. Also I’ve been feeling insecure about my weight and just other things the enemy has been on a mission but he will not win.

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Feelings

How am I feeling?? Just a tad bitter lol it’s so funny how God works!!!! I was literally about to do a post about how I am just soooo bitter because I was talking with this girl I use to work with and i just temporarily got into a place I didn’t want to be in emotionally. I thought about him and her (not my friend) and it just made me bitter. However, as soon as I felt that I just started asking God to deliver me from that feeling because I’ve said it before and I meant it. I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER!!! I want to be happy for him (relationship, career,etc...). So right now I am thankful to God for allowing me to feel better because I know that was nothing but him. It goes to show as humans we are normal and have feelings and everything is a process. Even when you’re over a person you can have relapses lol I’m still in the healing process. So right now I just pray that God delivers me from any bitter feeling and resentment. I pray for love peace and my king in Jesus name Amen ❤️

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MINI PRAYER

God right now I just need you to change my heart allow me to feel and be a representation of love. God I have been indulging in things that I don’t need to today. Things that are honestly not good for my soul. I want to read my Bible, and read books that are good for me. God give me the strength right now and the will power to focus on things that matter ( my faith, my family, my health, and my future). God take away any negative thoughts that are not of you any thing that’s of the devil I ask you to remove it right now in Jesus name. I ask you to remove bitterness, jealousy, insecurities and replace them will self confidence, love, happiness for everyone. GOD I ask you to allow me to love what you love and hate what you hate. In Jesus name God I feel the enemy really trying to come for me God and just let me focus on things that are important in Jesus name Amen.

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Week 6

I had ABSOLUTELY NO intentions on writing about this, but I’ve been feeling down for the past few days and something led me to do a post on here. Initially I was going to title it “Current Mood” until I realized that it’s Thursday and I remembered I ended it on a Thursday. Initially I wasn’t sure how many weeks it has been but it’s week 6. Okay! How am I feeling? Discourage more than anything and also lonely. I have been thinking about him heavy for the last few days. I’ve just been feeling lonely like I have no drive. I wish I had someone to share my feelings with and I know I have God but if I’m just being honest I wish I had significant person. I didn’t realize how deep my desire was to be with someone but not just anyone someone of course who I am interested in. I think my mind goes to him because he was the last man that I did anything intimate with whether it was emotional or physical. So it’s not like I miss him but I miss having someone. As I am writing this my mind keeps thinking “but you have God.” Yea I do but sometimes it just doesn’t feel the same. Sometimes I’m like what’s the point I dont feel like talking to a person who isn’t speaking back to me. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong but I just feel like God isn’t here either at times. Then this discouragement that I’m feeling makes me not want to pray, read the Bible, or do anything. I work get home sleep and repeat basically. I even said today I’m tired of being tired there’s so much I want to accomplish but I just don’t see how. I made a whole list of things that I wanted to do in order to “Become Her” the one who is ready for him but I don’t see where I have time. Not only that I’m starting to wonder what’s the point? Will there really be someone on earth for me? Someone that I’m actually attracted to not just physically and sent from God? The negative thoughts are starting to overpower my mind! ( you’re going to die young, you’ll never have kids, you’ll never be with someone, you’re not pretty enough, how did she get someone and so on....) my head seriously hurts. I guess I can say I don’t believe and I don’t want to feel this way. God this is me crying out to you!! I just want to believe that you have someone for me! I think also I’ve been feeling this way because the guy has been trying to get at me for a while and I’ve been denying him because I mean he’s the main reason for a lot of this and I’m not blaming him. However, I’ve been there done that and I know I can’t go back. I guess it makes me sad because I know he has to move on he can’t chase after me forever. So I’m battling with those thoughts also. Then there was a guy who was reaching out to me who I thought that something was going to happen between us and it doesn’t look that way. Whereas the guy who’s interested in me I’m just not feeling him at all!!! I will say Thank God for my job the kids make me feel so good and loved ❤️ God I want to fall in love with you and this is just how I’m feeling.

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Discourage

Today I’m laying in bed not feeling too well spiritually. I feel really discourage today and I decided to write because usually this helps. Work was great and everything was fine then I got off work. My drive home was okay but the enemy already started working in me without me even knowing it. I was daydreaming about this guy at my job whose attractive. At first it seemed innocent but then it left me feeling discouraged. One of my desires is to have a boyfriend someone who I can have a serious relationship with. Draw closer to God share memories, moments, families lol, and just do life with each other. Thinking about that guy just made me feel like those thoughts will never exit my mind and become my reality. I know that’s the enemy!!! However, when you’re dealing with something that is an unmet desire you get discouraged. I was listening to this lady preaching about waiting for an unmet desire and it took her until the age of 38 before she finally met her “Boaz” 😲 I DONT WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG LOL. It’s not like I’m not living my life in the waiting period and doing things that I enjoy. I am getting more involved in church, reading, and taking steps towards my future as well as managing a social life. I’m also healing from my past mistakes. Today felt like a step back because I also did something I’m not too proud of ( no not sex) and I just feel discourage. I have these questions like “what if me doing that pushes back the date of me getting into a relationship, what if I just screwed it up.....” I know it’s the enemy but sometimes you just can’t help but be human. Well I just want to pray to God to remove anything that is not of him and for me to know that if I seek first the kingdom of God he will give me all my hearts desire.

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Becoming Her

I was reading a book “Chosen For Such A Time as This” and a statement in the book literally slapped me in the face as I was reading. The author suggested that her readers make a list of the type of woman they want their future husband to desire. In other words make a list about yourself and the type of woman you want to be for the man you’re praying for. I think that’s very humbling. We are always told to make a list of the characteristics we want in a man, but you have to ask yourself “what are you bringing to the table?” God revealed a lot to me for instance I want a man who’s close to his family but there’s certain family relationships that I havent been intentional on mending. I want a man to provide, but I haven’t taken the next step that I need to in order for my career to happen. I want a man who’s going to bring me closer to God, but lately I haven’t been working on my relationship with God like I was a few months ago. This made me realize I have a lot to work on especially with healing from my past I’ve talked about it and I know that I have healing to do, but I honestly don’t want to put forth the work. I’m at a place right now that because I feel good about the guy and me being over it’s like I don’t care anymore to really work on my relationship with God. When I know that’s a dangerous place for me to be in because it makes me susceptible to the enemy. This is when he creeps in when our guard is down. I can see him already working because he gets me through men. I’ll be over one and then a nice cute one comes along and it’s like a cyle. That’s why I’m deciding to really push myself!!!!!!! Especially when it comes to church!!! My. Goals for the rest of this year into next year or rather “my list” to be come her are

Being intentional about my relationship with God ( reading the Bible, small group, fasting, spiritual books, fusion, serving, outreach, praying)

Take the steps I need to for my career ( GACE, look up tap program, call schools and ask questions about my masters and applying for positions)

Finances ( taking financial classes so I can get pointers on what I need to do for my debt and just having a better understanding on money in general)

Health ( eating better it may not be perfect but that’s okay, drinking more water, doctor visits, cooking more and being more active )

Love ( just being more of an expression of love in the way I carry myself and how I communicate with others and striving to have a heart like Jesus)

Let go ( of anything or anyone that’s hindering me from moving forward)

Healing( experience true healing from my childhood or any strongholds, and choosing to break the situationship cycle and just building my confidence)

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Love

One of my goals well my main goal is to have a heart like Jesus. No pressure (lol) I feel like that’s the area I have struggle with the most is being a representation of love loving people as I love myself. Therefore I have decided to memorize three scriptures a week that’s dealing with love but not just memorizing it. Meditating on it, write about it, do whatever I feel like God is leading me to do or what he’s trying to teach me through these scriptures. I have also decided to post about it. So here I go!!

John 3:16

“ for God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

I have heard that scripture a million times I mean I went to a Christian school in elementary and I felt like that is one of the first scriptures your taught but what does it mean?

God loved the world so much which includes all the people of the world (me, you, blacks, whites, Asians, male, female, transgenders, and so on). He sent his son down in human form just so that we could be forgiven of our sins and have a chance for eternal life. As I was reading that passage in the Bible I came across the word propitiation which means “ a sacrifice that bears Gods wrath and turns it into favor.” Jesus came so that we can have mercy and eternal life. I don’t know anyone that loves me that much to die for me or to allow their child to die for me.

John 15:12-13

“This is my commandment that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

God has callled us to love one another as he loved us. As previously stated Jesus died for us. As disciples and Christians we are called to love any and everyone. “Friends” does not necessarily mean someone who loves you back. How hard is it to love a person who continuously shows love towards you? It’s not hard at all it’s easy for me to love my mom because she’s constantly loving on me. However, something my pastor said today was “ Your love for God is measured by the person you love the least” that hit me because it’s so difficult to show love to certain people when it’s not reciprocated. God loved everyone and he died for everyone even the unbelievers.

1 Peter4:8

“Above all love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.”

This makes me think of an MLK quote “darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

That is beyond true if a person is being disrespectful towards you or treating you with any form of hate if you choose to do the same how exactly is the issue being resolved?? When you shower a person with love it can change their heart even if it’s just in that moment. Something just came to my mind. Many people in this world especially the younger generation have a negative perception of Christians, but just imagine if we as Christians were to act like Jesus. Imagine if you were to love on a person who’s racist, evil, of a different race, religion, culture, whose sexual orientation differed to yours. Imagine if everyone in the world decided to not stay offended but chose to love. What a beautiful world it would be!! Even if you can’t control anyone’s action you can control your own. So I am choosing to love because love covers a multitude of sins and if Jesus forgives me who am I to not forgive others.

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Insecurities

Is it okay to say that I am insecure? Is that all right? You hear people say all the time “be positive” but let’s just be real for a second. I think we all battle with insecurities and if you don’t please tell me how you do it. I use to consider myself a pretty confident person some people would even say cocky but I beg to differ. I’m not sure what happened!! I do believe I’m pretty and it’s not sooo much a physical insecurity although I have those as well. The more wrong men I chose the lower my self esteem became when it ended. Honestly, after this last one I felt like me being secure was shattered. Mainly because throughout the whole “relationship” I felt like I was comparing myself to someone who I believe is very beautiful. I find myself lying a lot lately just to make myself appear to be more appealing and I don’t want to be this way. I have men complimenting me all the time and people telling me how beautiful I am. That does nothing to me. I realize I have some healing to do that’s beyond a broken heart. I need to build my confidence up. Honestly, I believe if I had self love and confidence I wouldn’t have even allowed this “relationship” to start or go on that long. I need to take credit for ending it though because it could’ve gone on longer I’m sure we would have seen each other again, spoke on the phone again, have sex some more and I don’t even know how long it would’ve gone on for. Chanel you decided to end it. You deserved better which is why you ended it. You listened and obeyed God. Even when he reached out saying he missed you and so on. You remained strong even through the tears. Baby girl you are beautiful you have an amazing smile and heart. Believe me you deserve better!! God is bringing better❤️ This was just something on my mind because he has been on my mind a lot the past few days. This post may seem all over the place, but it’s okay because with every word I write I’m feeling better. I rebuke any insecurities in Jesus name let the healing begin.

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Unplug

I made a video for week three and I didn’t even post it so I’ll just count this as week three and four. I need to take a step back and unplug. When I say that I mean no social media and nothing that’s distracting from me focusing on myself and God. I feel like this past week my focus has been on men!! Not just the guy but two others that came in my life. The enemy has been in my head a lot and I’ve truly just been focusing on the wrong things. I was doing so well with not focusing on him then I check ig and I had notifications from him liking my stuff that are like two years old and little things like that just sucks me in. I start to become obsessive wanting to post things that’ll grab his attention which it does, but that does absolutely nothing for me and it’s not bringing me closer to my king. Also, I think because I’m not hurting like I was I’m communicating with God less because it’s almost like I don’t need him when that’s not true. Then they are two guys who came into my life and one I wish would stop texting me while I want the other one to call me lol. It’s crazy and I’m just not ready and this is not the time. I want to meet the man God has for me, but when the time is right because I know right now the fact that I’m still even posting things on ig trying to get that guys attention shows I still have some healing and growth to do. Therefore, I am taking a social media break and I am not posting or checking anything for the remainder of August. Also, I am no longer obsessing on the guy God has for me because I trust him and I know he will come to me at the perfect time. They are so many things that I was worried about this year and God made them all work out and I know he will do it again. The only Social media platform I’ll be posting on is this just because it is therapeutic. I’m so ready for this little journey!!!!!!!! I declare I will no longer be bitter, my confidence will be elevated, I will have a heart like Jesus, my faith will grow and my king is coming he’s already here. In Jesus name Amen

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Monday

Monday the day after Sunday. Today started out great and then there was a slight shift. Honestly, I thought I was completely over him, but I was tested briefly and I had to gather myself. First off I want to clarify some things

Do I want him back? No.

Do I think I made the right decision ending it? Absolutely

Do I regret anything? No because if it wasn’t for that experience with him I wouldn’t even be filling my soul with Jesus the way I am today.

However, I realized I am bitter and I don’t want to be. I had a conversation with the teacher I use to work with and he brought up the guys ex and it made me bitter and jealous. It brought back memories and it put me in a place that I didn’t want to be in. God is funny though. I was reading a book called “Wilderness skills for women” and the page that I was on spoke about bitterness. The book said you can choose to be bitter or better. You can choose life or death. I choose today better over bitter. I want to feel happy for him whether it’s relationships, career, kids or anything. Even if he ends up with her I want to have joy for them and a heart that truly wishes them the best. I don’t want to be jealous of anyone!!!If my friends get in healthy relationships before me I want to rejoice in their relationships and accomplishments. Even if I’m still in the unmet desire season. I ended it with him because I chose God and myself. I want to continue to choose God above everything and I choose to believe that my time is coming. My king is coming and God is preparing me to be the woman I need to be for him. My career path is coming and I will be successful because the Lord is my provider. So right now I declare that any jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, hate anything that is not of God be removed from my heart in Jesus name Amen 🙏🏾

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Week 2!!!

How am I feeling? Good, hopeful and faithful. This week has been so much better than last week by the grace of God. It’s had its moments mainly because of me falling into old habits ( nothing involving men), but it’s all apart of the learning process. I’m going to be completely honest I’ve spoken to him an we are actually back on speaking terms. Well, we are cordial with each other. A few days ago he got a great opportunity and I decided to congratulate him. I’m not going to lie I was skeptical and to be honest I do not know 100% if that was the best decision. I say that because he’s been messaging me on social media (nothing inappropriate) and I’ve been responding. However, I’m not worried because I am a lot more confident than I was a few weeks ago. Also, I wouldn’t put myself in a tempting situation again. In other words do not plan on seeing him and I have no desire to be with him. Right now my relationship with God is on the top of my list! I don’t have too much to say, but I will post about what has gotten me through this week. ❤️

List of things that have contributed in getting me through this week:

God- I’m telling you without him I couldn’t do it any of it. I stay or try to stay in constant communication with God.

Feeding my soul- I try to be mindful in what I’m feeding my spirit. From conversations, music, tv shows and so on.

Books- Wilderness Skills For Women 🙌🏾 that book was heaven sent.

Feven- She is my soul mate as a friend God truly placed her in my life at the right time. We have great conversations, we workout together, we are on the same path and she is my accountability person.

Kickboxing- Working out has been good and helpful

Music- listening to worship music

Church- I have really been intentional about going to church and any church events.

Family- Spending time with them has been great and helpful

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Sunday

Yoooooooo!!!! This past week has been tough my last post was on Thursday and things honestly did not improve until today (Sunday). I really didn’t think I was going to make it this week I was screaming and crying for God because I needed him and he showed up and showed out at church. From worship to service I really felt his presence 🙏🏾. I feel so much better and confident going into this week and I’m thankful. This week will be the best week in Jesus name Amen 🙏🏾

[rawtruthconoco]