[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

I'm trying to do a restrictive diet to compensate for binging but trying to just ends up with me at a normal calorie place. I know, I know, that's unhealthy, but I just want to lose like ten pounds, and I hate feeling out of control like this. I'm 5'8, 140, and vary between a 4 and 6 and all I can focus on is my jiggly ass and love handles and protruding stomach and it's making me so miserable. Do you have any advice? Thank you!

Hey sweetie, I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer this, my brain has just been [car that won’t turn over noises].

First of all, I need you to sit down and really, really acknowledge that you have a) a disordered eating problem, and b) a body dysmorphia problem. Just start there. You need to understand and accept that this is a problem. Not a problem with you as a person, not a character flaw, but a mental illness. Your relationship with food and with your body is not where it needs to be. I need you to sit with that and realize that it’s true.

Okay. You know that these thought patterns and this binge-restrict behavior is unhealthy, but maybe you can’t see just how unhealthy it is. I think you’ve had so much propaganda poured into your brain since literally before you could speak that you can’t even find the bottom of it, and that isn’t your fault. Hating yourself isn’t your fault, it’s the fault of a society built heavily on misogyny, fatphobia, and making money off causing women to hate their bodies. Since you were a child you’ve been told that your worth lies in your physical attractiveness and that being fat is the worst thing you could ever be.

None of that is your fault. But it is on you to start on the hard work of peeling back the layers of shit, digging to the bottom of that hole of propaganda, and finding yourself underneath it all. The only way you can ever be happy is to learn how to drop these burdens off your shoulders and realize how much better life is when it doesn’t matter what size you wear.

I need you to really, really listen to me when I say this, dear. Ten pounds isn’t going to make you happy. An ass that doesn’t jiggle isn’t going to make you happy. No amount of feeling in control of your body is ever going to make you happy.No amount of skinny is ever going to make you happy. 

The only way you will ever be happy is if you fight against the mental illness and you find peace with your body at whatever size it decides to be. As long as you are ruled by the number on a scale, you will never know peace. Once the illness has sunk its teeth into you, it will never let go until you’re dead. Do you hear me, sweetheart? This illness wants you dead. It doesn’t want you happy, it doesn’t want you pretty, it wants you fucking dead. You can’t negotiate with this illness. You can’t restrict just until you’ve lost ten pounds or just until those love handles are gone, and then be done with it. It doesn’t work that way. This thing will eat you alive and spit out your bones. 

It fucking sucks, but you have to confront what’s going on in your life or your head that’s driving you to control your body, what it is you’re trying to avoid or solve by convincing yourself that if only you lost weight, everything would be okay. You have to face those emotions, that pain, because nothing you do to your body is going to make it go away. 

Your value as a human being has no relation to your weight or your size. Do you hear me? It doesn’t matter if you weight 100lbs or 400lbs, your worth doesn’t change. It doesn’t matter how much body fat you have. Your body needs fat on it, because you aren’t a doll, you’re a living creature and fat keeps you alive. Your body doesn’t exist to meet any standard of beauty, it exists to keep you alive, so please stop hating it for just doing its job. Your body is not your enemy. Your body isn’t making you miserable, the eating disorder is making you miserable.

Darling, you need help. You can’t fix this on your own. Even with the best of intentions, you’re going to fail if you try to get up and not have an eating disorder anymore. You have to get help in order to get better. Getting help doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed; asking for help is courageous, it’s strong, and it’s good. You deserve help. You don’t have to earn it, you just deserve it.

Please go through as much of my eating disorder tag as you can, and pursue the resources in it. Please go through my whole body image tag, and keep coming back to it. Choose to put those messages in your head. Choose to unfollow any thinspo blogs you follow, and stop looking at triggering content. Train yourself to look at body positivity and to turn away from self-hate. Practice.

This is hard, hard shit, and you’ll relapse and you’ll slip up, and you’ll hate being in recovery sometimes. But the cold truth is you either fight to recover or you slip-slide down towards losing your entire life to this. I know that you have it in you to fight. 

You don’t have to live this way, sweetheart. Ask for help.

[raythlyn]

I need to keep all this in mind as I start the eating plan my obgyn wants me to do. I need to tackle the "why am I afraid to lose weight?" I know what the answer is but .... I can't move past it. And I'm not sure where to start.

[raythlyn]

A few weeks ago, we were at the cabins where we got married. I had fun trying all sorts of different settings out to take night pictures of the sky and stars

[raythlyn]

Suddenly, he's become super adventurous. I'm semi waiting for a broken bone. This was just before the, "Mooom! Hep! (Help) I need hep!"

[raythlyn]

"My nans!"

[raythlyn]

*diaper change before bed*

*L turns*

"stop turning!"

"I gotta turn!"

"No, you're going to get poop everywhere, sit still."

"I HAVE TO TURRRRRRN!"

"No you don't! Sit.still before you get poop everywhere!"

"I . HAVE. TO. TUUUURRRRRNNNNNNN! AND GO POTTY!!!!"

"SIT STILL UNTIL YOUR BUTT IS CLEAN"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"You're exasperating kiddo. I love you."

"I know Mom."

Two year olds man.

[goodbyeeveryonee-deactivated202]

I just finished babysitting my friend’s children, and she has most definitely mastered the no spanking/alternative discipline route. I always talk about taking it because I don’t believe in abusing children, but I’ve never personally seen it in action by a Black parent. Her children are 2 and 5 and they are the kindest, nicest toddlers I’ve ever met. They listen to her because she’s their mom and they automatically recognize she’s important and she gives them what they want (love and affection and rewards). In return they like to clean for her and give her artwork and cuddles all of the time.

To get them to listen to her, she makes sure to listen to them and what they’ve got to say instead of telling them to shut up all the time. The 5 year old asked her a few months ago why you can’t eat food that was on the floor after picking up food on the floor, and she explained it calmly and clearly. He asked 4 other questions after that and she answered all of them. He was satisfied and happy with the answers, and ever since he hasn’t done those things. She lets them gush and gush about Hot Wheels or Team Umizoomi and engages with them and counts with them and everything, so they never feel alone or neglected enough to not want to obey.

My friend lets them make mistakes by themselves on the rare chance they don’t listen so they can learn from them and let that be punishment enough. For example, the younger one we’ve been telling not to go near the dog cage because he doesn’t like dogs. He went near it a while ago, got his hand licked, freaked out, and hasn’t been anywhere near it since. The board on the wall that she uses has a column for each boy horizontally, and vertically are all the traits she wants them to have, like being nice, listening to her and their teachers, eating their food, cleaning up, having manners, etc. They get a sticker whenever they do it for the day, and they lose all their stickers when they break a habit. That’s enough punishment for them, so they don’t break it.

When they wake up, it’s cleanup time, or bedtime, she plays what she calls “musical habits”. She puts on a playlist of their favorite songs (it’s like 20-25 minutes) that make them feel motivated, and they should be finished getting ready or cleaning by the time the last song is over. If they’re not, they get a toy from their toy bin taken away or an Oreo from their snack bag taken out (aka eaten by her). But she hasn’t ever gotten to that because they always finish. They don’t even like hearing the consequences lol. And I just wanted to say I really enjoyed seeing good parenting by a Black woman that wasn’t abusive or harmful to the child’s development, it gave me inspiration and hope. Just had to talk about it somewhere.

[goodbyeeveryonee-deactivated202]

I wrote this post about a year ago. Since then, I’ve become the godmother to both of these babies, and they are STILL so well behaved. I babysit from time to time. They’re also enrolled in Montessori programs.

She’s now teaching them about mindfulness, Spanish, self care, and cooking. They have little yoga mats and practice breathing in and out with her every morning, and then they do affirmations together. I visited them a while back and they have a new board up! She created a system where they’re challenged with the task to do something nice for each other or for someone else every week. With this challenge they’re instructed to use their listening skills to figure out what that person might want or need, and then figure out how they should react. The only reward at the end of the week is a big hug and some snacks, and every month, she lets them have a movie day if they’ve done really well.

She’s also making them use their words when they’re upset instead of grumbling in silence. Her oldest one was notorious for that. She made up a little saying to remind him: “Mommy can’t help if Mommy doesn’t know.” It’s forced him to explain why he’s upset and that gives them a chance to have an actual conversation about it. Now they talk about ANYTHING. If they don’t feel like talking at that moment and they express that, she’ll lead them to their playroom and turn their favorite show on or let them meditate or draw until they’ve cooled down. She also accepts letters if they just didn’t want to use their words. It was so good to watch.

By the way, I got many messages about this post asking me to ask my friend where she learned these techniques. She said that she wrote down all the ways her parents hurt, hindered, or stunted her developmental growth and then wrote down ways they could’ve approached it better or loved her better. That second list is her guideline. 

[raythlyn]

We try to do this as much as possible. Not the chart though that's a good idea. I get frustrated when it's implied that by explaining things, I'm coddling instead of expecting them to listen without question, or that I generally only yell when the action is dangerous to him or others. Sure, we have meltdowns but he's still learning how to talk and use words, so I expect that.

[boysaresuicidal2]

People care about you even tho, you dont think so. i honestly care about you. i know am a complete stranger. never be afraid to send me a message sometimes you just need to hear how much you mean to some

[loquequierelola-deactivated2026]

❤️💋❤️

[raythlyn]

Co-sleeping was never our intention, and it's been just over a year and a half. I know we need to move him to his own bed soon, but this is just the sweetest thing sometimes. That when he has a bad dream, holding our hands or snuggling to us can make it better. 💙💚💛

[whitepeopletwitter]

Man I feel this on a personal level.

[ham4harrypotter-blog]

Way too many parents need to learn the difference between “a child being disrespectful” and “a human person expressing an opinion that differs from theirs”

[jumpingjacktrash]

my mom had a nice technique for this. when i’d give her sass, she’d say, “i don’t speak rude, what’s that in polite-person-ese?”

basically, she’d encourage me to rephrase my opinion without the attitude. so “UGH, you NEVER let me do ANYTHING!” would (often after quite a bit of bitching and grumbling) turn into “it feels like every time i have a fun idea, you say no, and i just end up sitting around the house.”

and at that point we could troubleshoot like civilized people. she could explain that she didn’t want me to go to jimmy’s sleepover because jimmy’s dad creeps her out, and i could suggest maybe i could have andy over instead, and she could say sure, why not call peter and stacy and brianna and have your own party, i’ll pop some popcorn and rent a movie, and i could add what if we put up tents in the back yard and have a bonfire and roast marshmallows, and she could laugh and say don’t push it.

[hermioneindisguise]

I really like this technique because it addresses the OPs comment but recognizes that the two can coexist. The problem is often the child is expressing their opinion in a rude or disrespectful way. And as humans we automatically become adverse to opinions we feel are aggressive toward us.

[corporationkills]

[galatheria]

We went to the beach today ❤

[finding-my-feet-deactivated2019]

Layers of Safety

Each pound lost is one less layer of armor I have built in my life. I am afraid of what I discover when the layers are gone and I am defenseless.

[not-his-jolene-anymore]

When the layers are gone, you are left with nothing but strength.

[raythlyn]

This. Part of why I think I struggle so much is all the bad things that happened when I was at the weight I want to be at.

[raythlyn]

My niece helped my kiddo make this for me today ❤

[starshein]

Listen up. There is literally an app that can help you avoid self harm and I don’t know why we aren’t talking about it.

Calm Harm can be tailored to your needs and will provide strategies to help you get past those crucial moments of wanting to harm.

It’s also totally FREE.

once again, it’s called CALM HARM

[badsciencejokes]

Because my milkshake post…

[foodffs]

Instant Banana Pancake GET THE RECIPE: https://www.pepperbowl.com/sweet-banana-maida-dosai-instant-recipe/ FOLLOW ON TUMBLR: http://pepperbowl.tumblr.com/

Follow for recipes

Is this how you roll?

[not-his-jolene-anymore]

Please? @abqryan

[fatgirlgetsfitatlast]

“If you haven’t had it yourself, food addiction is difficult to understand. When you’re trying to explain to someone that, no, I can’t have a cookie because, frankly, you don’t have enough cookies on that plate for me. “Like, there’s 30 people here and you have maybe 40 cookies on that plate, and I want all of them. I don’t want to stand here putting cookies in my mouth wondering who’s noticing. You know, like, there’s 10 left on the plate, can I go grab another couple before anyone notices? Oh, now there’s three cookies left on the plate, can I swoop all of them into my purse and go into the bathroom and eat them sitting on the toilet? “These are the thoughts of a food addict. Nobody else gets that. "The cookies go around, and other people are hardly noticing them, maybe grabbing one, take a bite, put it on a napkin half-eaten, continuing their conversation. "The brain of a food addict is completely different.”

— Susan Pierce Thompson, PhD, Food Addict   source

[not-his-jolene-anymore]

The other thing about being a food addict - for me, anyway - is that even though i won’t eat a single cookie, because i don’t eat cookies in public, i won’t be able to think about anything else until they are all gone.