TW: slight gender dysphoria?, therapy, mention of trauma
I’ve always felt weird being a woman. I’ve never really liked my first name. I feel like it doesn’t suit me. Now that I’m away from my toxic, racist, hometown, I’m just now able to think about myself. I was born a cisgender woman/female. I’m in therapy now, and talking to her, I feel like I can explore who I am.
Like I said, I don’t really like my first name. I want to go by a different name. I don’t really care enough to change my name legally, but I care enough that other people calling me my legal names makes me feel...Like I’m not real? Like, I’m some sort of imposter?
I’ve always done things that cisgender men do. (According to how/where I grew up) Drink, farm work, lift weights, video games, building, taking care of animals...etc)
Anyways, here’s some names I picked. Not sure what I want to go with.
Kai
Kal / Cal
Ashe
Blaze or Blain
If you have any suggestions please let me know. I’m open to male/female aligned names as well as gender neutral ones.
Din fisted his hands around the sheets and found that both of them were his own flesh again. And most importantly, his consciousness consisted solely of his own thoughts and feelings and things that were really in the room – no invisible structures, no inaudible sounds, and no ghosts.
Passing a hand through his hair revealed that it was damp and softer than it had ever felt after his own shampoo. Skywalker must have used some kind of conditioner on it, which could explain why his own hair was always so shiny and golden.
In his mouth, Din could taste the traces of toothpaste flavoured with funnel flower. That reminded him that he had forgotten to brush the Jedi’s teeth. But since there was nothing he could do about that anymore, he let his head fall on the pillow and pulled the blanket over himself.
Everyone is fangirl-ing over Tech and Hunter... but can we get some Wrecker appreciation? I think they wrote him to be a little more, childish, for the added humor. However, he’s just. A big ball of cute.
With my separation and upcoming divorce even though I don’t like to admit it - I’m feeling a little lonely and in need of some modicum of comfort. If your request box isn’t already full. Normally I’m a Pero girl (I’m sure you can figure out who this is), but I feel like Frankie would be better suited. How would he help you with loneliness and feeling loved?
***I actually tried to spin it for Tovar for you. Hopefully this works. Because our man isn’t the best with words, his love language is acts of service.
Living Again
You were someone that the villagers looked down on. They averted their eyes when you walked down the streets whether it was to visit the butcher or the candle maker. They pitied you, yet they also shunned you.
Your husband had run off with the daughter of the blacksmith. Stolen away in the dead of the night with not only your coin purse but his. Gossip had run amok through the first few weeks after he had abandoned you. It had been difficult, holding your head up and continuing on.
Sighing, you look out over the fallow fields. The crops that he had planted had barely covered paying the blacksmith back for the coins your husband and his daughter had stolen from him. While you didn’t have to cover his debt, you lived in this village and needed to stay in the people’s good graces somewhat.
You didn’t have any idea what you were going to do when the spring came. You knew that you couldn’t count on others to help. It was one thing to be a widow, it was quite another to be a scandalized and abandoned woman.
The sound of hoofbeats brought your attention to the frozen lane that could carry you from your small little cottage to the village. A large warhorse, not a docile and swaybacked farm horse, galloped up the path and the rider came to a stop in front of your front door.
Wrapping yourself in your shawl, you open the door to find a soldier, no, a mercenary on your step. You find marking his features, the most obvious of all was the large scar running down the left side of his face. He was lucky he kept his eye as it split his brow in two.
“Senora?” The heavy accent tagged him as a Spaniard. His dark eyes and scowl were intense, but you didn’t fear him. It seemed as if it was the normal set to his face, as if he were never one to smile much.
“Yes?” You wondered what he wanted with you,
He reaches under the thick leather cuirass and pulls out a coin purse, your coin purse. “This, this belongs to you?” He asks.
“How? My husband-” He pulls out another coin purse and hands it to you as well.
“Your husband is dead.” He says shortly and you feel the air being punched out of your lungs.
“Thieves.” He explains. “I was coming to this village to seek shelter for the winter. Found your husband and…..your daughter.” You don’t miss the pause in his words and the way that he looks away. “I was too late to save them, but your husband told me where to find you.”
“She wasn’t my daughter.” You admit, holding the purses, relieved that now you did not have to worry about how you would purchase grain and supplies when you ran low after the snows came.
“I see.” He frowns and looks away.
“Why would you not just keep the coins?” You ask, tilting your head curiously. Any other man might have never sought you out, seeking to fatten his own purse.
He shakes his head. “I am a lot of things, but I do not steal from widows or children.” He says gruffly.
“You- I- thank you.” You can’t help the moisture that builds up in your eyes. He looks back at you, shifting nervously and obviously uncomfortable at your gratitude. “You- you said you are seeking shelter?” You ask, your eyes narrowing as you look at him.
“A place to stay and food in exchange for whatever needs to be done.” He nods. “Is there a place that can provide that?”
“Here.” You blurt out, looking down at the purses in your hands. “I will need someone.”
It was true, your husband had not been very good at repairs. There were plenty of items that needed to be fixed around your home, not including the roof before the snows blew in.
Dark brown eyes narrowed as they roamed over the house and fields, a broad back turned towards you as he looked over the property. “Your husband was not much of anything, was he, senora?”
As shameful as it was, you can’t help but agree with him. A small chuckle coming out of your mouth as he turns back to you. His smirk isn’t exactly a smile, but it made him seem less intimidating than he had when you first pulled your door open.
“Tell me where you want me to start.”
****
“Hermosa, leave it, I will take care of it.” A gruffy put out tone comes from behind you as he snatches the axe out of your hands.
Three weeks the Spaniard, Tovar, had been at your house. The roof was repaired and better than ever, the barn doors were fixed and the hay had been stacked in it’s eves, ensuring that animals would stay warm and fed all winter.
While he had been breaking his back to get the major repairs done, you had still managed to find time to learn about him. His past, not all of it good, making him the tough man that he was now. However you were privy to the softness. The polite, low thanks he gave your for every meal you set before him. The gentle and calm manner he had with the animals. His eyes and the nod of thanks when you handed him freshly laundered and mended clothes. For all his fearsome exterior told the world to stay away, his quiet actions proved that Tovar had some gentleness in him.
Two weeks ago you had taken him into your bed. Having him spend countless hours pinning you to the bed and making you weak from the force of his passions. Making you feed desired and even loved as he held you in the aftermath.
You huff. “I can chop wood, Tovar.” You argue, your hands on your hips. “I have done it plenty of times before.”
“That was before I was here.” He snips back at you, throwing you a scowl. “You were supposed to go to town, no? Go get your candles and thread that you have been moaning over.”
Rolling your eyes, you huff and nod. He smirks at you, grumbling about stubborn women as you walk into the cottage to collect your basket. You smile as you see the evidence of Tovar’s hard work around your home. Even at night he was working while he talked to you. Fixing a broken chair or asking you what else needs to be fixed tomorrow. It’s a race against the snow, but you were going to beat the clock.
You find yourself smiling and nodding at the same people who were looking down on you just a short month and half ago. You didn’t really care what they thought about the fact that the Spaniard was living at your cottage. You were a widow now, and there was more leeway given in most people's eyes. Because of Tovar, you were living again.
I understand completely. I just got out of a 7 year relationship and was about to get married. I spent my Christmas alone with my cat. However, I stayed in and made scarves for those in need.