THE DOWNFALL OF HUMANITY HAPPENED FAST. Steve had made the mistake of thinking that they had far more time than was actually allotted to them. Tragically, he felt it was one of the reasons that so many had perished. He’d only watched one person die, his mind focused on the dust left behind before he could really realize that there were others that vanished along with him. It didn’t feel real. Even as he collapsed in the dirt next to what had once been his childhood best friend as others called out for one another – most with no answer – he tallied up their losses silently. There had been a time when he truly believed that the good guys always won but, that day was over. A lot of the resilient parts of him had begun to rust and fade away.
The pain was constant. He felt a painful beat in his chest when he was reminded of what he had lost. Each thump was another name, Sam, Tony, Bucky, Wanda, T’Challa and so on. He would never forget nor would he ever forgive himself for what had transpired since those events. Steve lived in a sort of isolation, only really leaving his spot for meetings about those who had died. In part, he was looking for a way to bring them back. But, a sliver of him grew concerned that he may never be able to. That finally, after all of this time, Steve Rogers was no longer Captain America and he could no longer do the job that he had set his mind to seventy-odd years ago. “Honestly, I didn’t stay for the full broadcast. We didn’t have a lot of time after that report.”
“It isn’t like any of us really knew how to handle it. Even on our end, the princess did her best but, we just didn’t have the time. We tried not to kill Vision but –” But, Thanos had. Which was beyond painful to think about. With both Wanda and Vision gone, all he could really hope for was that they had found peace together. Perhaps the rest had, as well. Steve remained silent for a while, he listened to what Tony had to say but he was visibly upset even now by the realized losses that he had sustained. He wished that they all could have done more but in the end, the plan had been set for so long that having only a short amount of time did no one any good.”Guardians. We had someone from that team, Rocket. He and Thor were together.” There was a Groot, too, but that didn’t last long. The battle wiped him away, as well.
Steve had no idea who Strange was but, he remembered Peter Parker. It was hard not to. A child at a fight like the one in Germany was something that Steve probably wouldn’t let Tony live down for quite some time. He was still, indeed, very much upset about that. “I don’t really know how to explain it but, I think I understand. It might not be guilt, but it’s something.” He wasn’t sure there was really a word for it. “It wasn’t that, either. If he had done all of those things of his own accord, I would have killed him. Or, at the very least, made sure he was detained. But, he didn’t, Tony. I can’t even imagine how horrifically demoralizing it must be to know someone else used your body to do things like that.” The brainwashing, the torture, everything he’d read and heard about gave him nightmares, he assumed Bucky was doing much worse.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I never meant for all of this to happen.” Steve added. He knew he owed Tony more than that but that was what they would have to settle for, for now.
here it is, the darkness and echos, around the two of them, as it was bound to happen, about the ones they lost. tony wants to ask for a list of known survivors and known dead instead of each addition to the conversation slipping a new death in, but a list seems cold and something he didn’t want to repeat over and over in his head in silent moments later. of course, he’s probably going to end up with his own later to torture himself with, but it’s hard enough one both steve and himself to stand there in the haunting of what happened. something tony is battling with every day.
but avoidance isn’t something he’d prefer to talking to steve. he missed him, missed working with him, missed the team. and the truth was, he felt like it was too late to even get nostalgic and sentimental of the past since before thanos attacked, thinking it impossible after, but life has a funny way of proving him wrong and this time, it’s in a positive way even though it feels really out of place to think anything is positive.
it was wild to think about the broadcast of his own death or broadcast of him missing then the abstract idea of whatever news looked like after thanos. there was a fraction of him that maybe had hoped the outreach of what happened only effected those in titan, but that was foolish and too hopeful to really even make sense. “i know you guys did the best you could,” he voices, unsure what more to say. he thinks he would’ve done the same, doing all he could to spare vision against a threat no one really knew too well, and he hopes his thought is true. nothing would’ve been different if they were in other places in time.
he sucks in a breath when steve mentions there’s another guardian, assuming he made it out. he doesn’t say it out loud, but he can’t even imagine what it’d be like to hand off the information that he’s the only one left. they seemed quite the team. “it’s good to know thor made it... bruce hadn’t been sure when he showed up.” he can’t imagine what it’s like for thor too, holding everything on his shoulders as he knew the blonde was doing.
he nods as steve talks about barnes. of course the guilt over what he did clenches harder and tony’s sure he’ll forget how to breathe, drowning in all of it until his nodding pulls him back to the moment again. “and all of that and i attacked him, kept doing it, and i shoulda... no, i knew better. i won’t forgive myself.” he shakes his head. “but i am sorry and i should’ve said it before it was too late.” even if he knows it can hardly scratch the surface of being enough if he still could. he can’t even expect an opportunity to apologize, even if it wasn’t too late.
shaking his head, he nose laughs a little, but it’s humorless and even sad. “you’ve apologized before and you didn’t have to and you don’t have to now, but i know you’ll keep thinking you have to. if it helps, i forgive you. i’m not mad, haven’t been for a long time. i should’ve told you.” he looks away, then down, feeling a sting of tears. his childhood hero, turned source of his jealous anger, turned reluctant teammate, turned good friend, turned source of his childish anger, turned source of much of his regret and guilt, stood in front of him and he bites at the inside of his lip, wiping his eyes with his arm, looking back at him. “i’m sorry, steve.”
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