hello

as useless as a white crayon

[addalay]

▲

[bestlols-deactivated20140726]

[ninetails-deactivated20240104]

*finishes 3 hour long movie*

who am i

[wrathofthegiraffe]

There should be a word to describe that horrible feeling you get when you realize halfway through telling a story that it’s not as funny as you thought it was, but it’s too late to back out. So you just finish the story and everyone listening does that awkward polite laugh and then it gets quiet, so you burn your house down, fake your death, move to Chile and start a new life as a loner fisherman.

[reallystrambo]

When I see graffiti on a bridge.

Some People: That's some dope ass art!

Other People: This is some kind of vandalism!

Me: How the hell did they get up there

[redloftwingfeathers]

*seductively takes DS stylus out of mouth like a cigarette* So… i heard you like Pokemon…..

[penaltybox-deactivated20200606]

I’M JEALOUS OF COUNTRIES THAT TEACH LANGUAGES TO CHILDREN FROM A YOUNG AGE SO BY THE TIME THEY’RE 18 THEY’RE BILINGUAL. IN MY ELEVEN YEARS OF AMERICAN SCHOOLING I CAN NAME YOU LIKE 5 COLORS IN SPANISH

[holtzmanned]

hi, i’m auditioning for the role of thorin and i’ll be singing “ain’t no mountain high enough”

[mistitled]

I just want to have a cute relationship where I wear his hoodie because it smells of him and we would go for early morning walks at like 1 in the morning

[lyhoradka]

do you ever open a novel and read the first few lines and think ah yes the narrator is a sarcastic little shit

[actuallybenwyatt]

I met a couple Australians this weekend and they introduced me to what is possibly the greatest phrase in the English language. Apparently, a common response to a wide variety of questions is “I’m not here to fuck spiders”. It means “I’m already doing that” or “Obviously, yeah”. So like, example usage:

At the bar with a friend. Friend: do you want to get a beer? Me: well, I’m not here to fuck spiders.

[whiscashremade-blog]

[atypicalblonde]

one time I overslept and my mom came into my room to wake me up and said “you had better get up or else you’ll be rushing”. I wanted to say “if I’m rushing then so be it” but since I was still half asleep my mind changed “rushing” to “Russian”, I rolled over and said “if I’m Russian, soviet” and to this day it’s the best joke I’ve ever made

[fairieforest-blog]

It’s really sad how often social anxiety is mistaken for rudeness or arrogance

[ellysaria]

[itsjustfrank]

"Which I measured with my rulers"

[gatitoambulante]

[ifeelyousoclosetome]

how to love yourself:

buy the expensive body wash your mom would never let you have

use a coloring book

watch ten episodes of a show you’ve never seen

go through your phone. delete the people you haven’t spoken to in years.

pick the petals off of a flower 

tell your best friend you love him/her

put a picture of baby you on your mirror 

you’re gonna be okay

i love you