Untitled:

A conglomerate of random nothings and my other favorite things.

[reb-ley]

All I want is a goddamn shower. That's all I fucking want.

No.

I want a house to myself.

No one else.

No one to take advantage.

No one to use me.

Just me.

By myself.

All I want is a shower.

[reb-ley]

My sister in law's mother OD'd. My SIL called me just as I was falling asleep. She had to go. She messaged me about an hour later that they'd called it. And now I'm forcing myself to stay awake just in case she needs to call me.

Life isn't a straight line with a destination. There's curves and bumps and breaks and uturns. It's easy to be angry at the person who died, their faults hurt so many others. Their failures hurt others. It doesn't make the pain stop when they're gone, just give a different kind of hurt. The kind that breeds resentment.

Life isn't fair, and it's particularly not fair to the ones who love addicts.

You can't control a tornado.

[reb-ley]

Do you want to know what I hate?

People who cannot take any kind of criticism. I want to talk to you, I want to have a conversation with you about something you're doing that upsets or bothers me, but instead you get defensive. It doesn't matter how I word things, or in what time they're said. It's always other people. It's never your fault. Other people make you angry. Other people are wrong. Only you are ever a victim. No one else ever does anything wrong.

I won't pretend I'm perfect. I'm not. But damn, take a second and reflect. I may be wrong or misreading the situation. But that doesn't mean you aren't at fault either.

[reb-ley]

Getting super tired of people assuming I don't know how to do my job....

[reb-ley]

I'm done talking.

I'm done.

Was my story boring you?

Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

[reb-ley]

Do you ever just realize that you're the sibling that is going to end up taking care of your parents when they get old?

[reb-ley]

I have to laugh at the absurdity of it. The timing, always the timing. What's the saying? It happens in threes?

Yes, it happens in threes.

I laugh. And laugh. The tears fall anyway, but all the same, I laugh. I laugh to stop the sobs.

Gods- I want to scream. I want to RAGE. I want to throw fists into the air, stomp my feet into the earth. But instead I laugh.

I laugh to stop from losing it. From losing myself. Which I find absurd. I cling to the sharp inhales and exhales, yet every mad villain, laughs...

I'll be okay, I just have to laugh it off.

[reb-ley]

I'm normally very shy. I don't rock the boat. I keep my opinions to myself. I take abuse simply to keep the peace.

But I recently got a new job.

I don't know what it is about this place, but I have found myself telling abusers that they cannot treat me that way. I have found myself sternly telling phone call screamers that if they cannot tone it down, I will hang up... And then hanging up. I've started telling my family I don't like how they treat me. I've started calling out double standards and making people as uncomfortable with their behavior as they make me. I've started saying no, I've started saying yes. I've started saying exactly what I mean and when people ask me, "excuse me?" Saying it again.

I guess this is what it feels like to finally be done. To own your power. To stand on the precipice of what you know and who you are and choosing yourself. Choosing you over and over again. I've always chosen peace, and now I'm choosing me and myself. I'm certainly still scared when I do it, but I'm doing it anyway.

[reb-ley]

Soapbox time:

Do not ask me if you can help me with a specific something, and then turn around and say, "well I'll help you by answering your questions..."

Say what?!

No, if you say, "can I help you with this thing." Then I say yes, and I say how you can help me and you follow up with, that's not how I'm going to help you. I'm going to get a little pissy.

No, scratch that I'm going to get a lot pissy. Just don't offer to help if you're not actually going to help.

[reb-ley]

Passive-aggressively listening to Gary Chapman's book "Rising Above a Toxic Workplace." In my toxic workplace, much to the dismay of the author 🤣

[reb-ley]

"Just get a new job if you don't like the one you have."

I'm trying Susan.

"You can't know if you like a job if you just started."

I'm pretty sure hoping I get into a car accident because I don't want to go to work, is a pretty good sign that I don't like my job, Karen.

"Why are you working a job that you can't afford to live?"

Because my degree isn't enough to get a job paying what I need to survive, Chad.

It's not like we're not trying, but when jobs expect you to have five years of experience for an entry level position, it makes it kind of hard.

[reb-ley]

This book may not seem like much on the outside, but on the inside it's worth more than all the books that I own. My Aunt Jo gifted this book to my grandmother, Anne, who knows when. Sadly I can no longer ask, as both of these amazing women passed in the last few years.

My sister Cassandra rescued this book from a shelf in my grandfather's house, and gifted it to me, writing the same words that Aunt Jo wrote to my grandmother, her sister. It's very rare that I am gifted something that brings me to tears, but this has been a solid reminder that time is fleeting, and as strained as our relationship has been in the past, she will always be my sister.

[reb-ley]

To date, my favorite things I've said about/at my job:

"nothing in this building has any moral to keep working, even the bathrooms are staging a coup"

"it's like a tiny fence built around a chicken, the chicken runs in circles trying to find an escape when all it would have to do is jump over and into freedom. All of the cage is in the chickens mind"

"well sir, I'm sorry that your ex-girlfriend got custody of your dog, but she can't claim it as a household member to get extra benefits, even if his name is Clyde."

"Ma'am I can't tell you that you can't appeal for a hearing on your case, but your last coverage was 10 years ago... in a different state... No the coverage does not cross over."

"miss I am aware of your situation, and I'm going to have to ask you to not hit the glass with your Splenda bottle as it might brea....." *Over intercom* can someone bring a mop and a first aid kit to the front?

"did your water just break? Your water just broke, I will call an ambulance. You don't want an ambulance? Do you have a ride to the hospital? You want to catch the bus? It's 35 degrees outside, you're soaking wet, and you want to wait for the bus..."

"sir, I can't hear you, you said you put what in your mouth? Marshmallows? You put marshmallows in your mouth? Oh... Not your mouth.... Okay..."

[reb-ley]

Moving on

I'm slowly cleaning out my office. I wonder how long it will take them to notice that my stuff is gone? 🤔

[reb-ley]

How does one politely say, "don't fucking touch me," to the nice lady in the office who insists on patting people's shoulders.

[reb-ley]

Soap box rant

I work with a lot of at risk individuals in my day job. Most of the time it is a really rewarding job, I get to help people work through issues and help them keep the lifesaving benefits that they are eligible for, or I get to tell them that they qualify for something better, I get to celebrate this victory with people who have few victories to celebrate.

Then there are days like today when I have to call someone and tell them that they don't qualify for something that they desperately need. No matter how many exceptions, or hoops we jump through, there is no way they will qualify for this thing. When the sobs on the other end of the line wrack through the phone, I want to join in, I want to scream to the heavens about the injustice. All I can do is remind myself that there's nothing to be done. The limitations are there for a reason, and if you make an exception for one person, you have to do the same for everyone.

It's like being on a continuous rollercoaster ride, the highs and lows come quickly, and never stay long. I do as much as I can for everyone, but sometimes it's just not enough. Sometimes it's hard not to feel like the system is punishing the people who are really working to better their situation; and rewarding the people who aren't.

Well, rant over.

[reb-ley]

Only another flame can speak to fire like a lover and mean it.