[recover-relapse-repeat19]

I will no longer be using this account as I’m in a really good place right now.

I’m in recovery and it’s going really well, I haven’t had an attempt or sh in a while.

I’m focusing on the future and what I want my life to look like; what career I want to be in, moving out, education.

Life goals, I have so many life goals.

For the first time in a long time I have hope and motivation to get well and stay well to experience life to the fullest. I have so much to live for.

I’m not happy all of the time my mood does drop and so does my body image and self esteem but I’ve been learning coping strategies that are helping me to get through the tough times.

So if you’re looking for a sign to recover this is it!

The world is so big and options are limitless you can be whoever you want to be doing what you want with who you want when you want, without worrying about your health or spending all of your time focusing on calorie input, output, weights and food.

If you’ve got this far in this post and would like to follow my recovery journey, feel free to follow my new tumblr @tia-rc

This is not a “see you later” this is goodbye from me for this page. I wish you all the best and hope you find the will to recover 💖😘💜

[sirihowdoiheal]

You wanna know what happens when you're starving?

Your hair gets thin and limp. Noticeably. You don’t have enough nutrients to help it stay healthy.

You get so. Fucking. Cold. All the time. People don’t want to touch you, because you’re so cold. You’ll be shivering under a blanket, in a hot tub, by a fire, wherever you are.

You’ve heard that seeing food will be upsetting? You have no idea. Even if it’s nowhere near you, or on a screen, or in the hands of a stranger, you’ll resent it because you want it. Some nights you’ll start crying because you miss it so much.

Everything will become numbers. You aren’t just walking your dog anymore, you’re counting the minutes and calories you’re burning. You aren’t enjoying a warm day, you’re trying to figure out if the higher temperatures are making your heart rate go up so you burn faster.

Your social life will die. You’ll be skittish and avoid people when they have food in case they offer some. You’ll say no to parties and dates and meet-ups because you think there might be food. You’ll grow paranoid, terrified of people finding out. You’ll start to despise people who love you solely because they want to help.

You’ll hurt. That pang in your chest? It’s probably because you’re not eating. Your stomach? Say goodbye to its silence. Your butt? It’ll hurt whenever you sit down. You’ll get headaches, heart pains, even breathing will eventually become exhausting.

And eventually, you’ll die. Maybe you ate more than usual and couldn’t handle the thought of gaining, and exercised so much that your heart overexerted itself. Maybe you actually did gain, and that enough was enough to make you swallow a handful of pills. Maybe your blood pressure lowered to fatal levels, or maybe you passed out and hit your head on a table.

It all ends the same.

Don’t let the “pro ana’s” fool you, this isn’t a glamorous lifestyle. This is a deadly and painful illness.

I feel like a lot of people need to remember that before they skip their meals.

Don’t do this to yourselves, you gorgeous humans. You deserve to live. You deserve friends. You deserve love.

You deserve to eat.

[boney-appetite1]

ANOREXIA IS A BITCH, SO I WAS A BITCH

something that isnt spoken about a whole lot

i became the BiGgEsT bitch eVeR when Ed came out. i screamed, cried, puched, kicked, scratched, threw food, poured shit all over the floor/table, swore like no ones ever heard at my family, called them things i would never forgive myself for, all because of my eating disorder.

eating disorders arent ‘fragile’ or ‘shy’ or any other stereotypical stigmatised image the media has placed in your head; it was true horror.

i dont think i could ever forgive myself for what this has put my family and friends through, but i have to keep remembering that it wasnt me, it was Ed.

so

PLEASE👏🏼STOP👏🏼THINKING👏🏼ED’S👏🏼ARENT👏🏼DESPITEFUL👏🏼TO👏🏼OTHERS👏🏼

[becneedshelpana]

Do you remember...

When you looked at thinspo for the first time and thought, “That’s sick, why would anyone want to look like that?”

Do you remember...

When you first started restricting and said, “I’ll never go below 1000! That’s horrible for my body!”

Do you remember...

When you were just going to lose some weight, tone up, reach this one goal?

Do you remember...

When you looked at thinspo for the last time and thought, “Maybe one day I’ll look like them.”

Do you remember...

When you fasted for a week and said, “I’ll be skinny soon.”

Do you remember...

When you were underweight, and the number was still too high?

Did you remember...

Collapsing in the middle of the gym, with no pulse, no breathing?

Did you remember being rushed to the hospital and the doctor declaring you dead on arrival from cardiac arrest?

Did you remember your mom, sister, brother, partner crying because it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you from going to the gym that day?

You can’t remember?

It’s because that’s your future. But, at last, you were finally skinny enough.

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

I don’t keep people away so that they can’t hurt me,

I keep them away so that I can’t hurt them.

I don’t want my pain to rub off onto someone else.

[broken-and-depressed-soul]

Relatable.

(stolen from Instagram)

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

“When we die we turn into stories, and every time someone’s tells one of those stories it’s like we’re still here”

-Olivia Crain, The Haunting Of Hill House.

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

I’ve eaten so much recently so I’m starting a 48 hour fast to lose weight quickly.

Let’s lose the lockdown weight I’ve put on.

[caitlinfenrir-deactivated202006]

PVRIS - Half (Visualette)

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

‘Something minor happens’

Brain- “you can’t do anything right, you should kill yourself”

Me- “hold on a minute, I.........”

Brain- “kill yourself”

Me- “but..”

Brain- “die”

Me- “what if.......”

Brain- “die. die. die. die. dieeeeeee.”

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

Suicidal people shouldn’t be told the main reason they shouldn’t kill themselves is because of how it might affect others. Suicidal people deserve love, help and support, not guilt trips. Suicidal people deserve to feel like their life is worth living, for there own sake.

[idyllistbeauty]

I truly hate myself and how I am. I’m useless I ruin everything. I don’t deserve to be happy.

[angrylittleskeleton-deactivated]

i’m doing it for me

i’m doing it so i can look in the mirror and be proud of my hard work

i’m doing it for the compliments

i’m doing it for the “wow, you lost so much weight!”

i’m doing it for the “how did you do it?!”

i’m doing it for the looks from the people who made fun of my weight

i’m doing it for the short skirts i could never wear before

i’m doing it for the sweaters that will be too big

i’m doing it for the big tshirts in the summer

i’m doing it for the swim suits, the bikinis

i’m doing it so that guys won’t be so grossed out by me anymore

i’m doing it for the collarbones, the wrist bones, the hip bones

i’m doing it for the “i’m so proud of you!” from my parents

i’m doing it to prove my dad wrong, the dad who said i couldn’t lose weight

i’m doing it for the cute pictures i’ll be able to take

i’m doing it because i don’t know what it’s like to be skinny

i’m doing it so that i’m no longer the fat friend

i’m doing it so i can dress how i’ve always wanted to

i’m doing it to prove to myself that i can

i’m doing it for me.

[booksandcows]

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

I ended up in the hospital on Tuesday after an attempt. My mum caught me being sick and found the empty boxes and called an ambulance around 2am.

Got to the hospital stayed for a while but got home Wednesday morning but I was completely out of it I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing or saying and I had no concept of time. I started having auditory hallucinations.

But I’m ok now.

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

Had a meeting with my psychiatric nurse and consultant.

Having a medication change from Mirtazapine to Duloxetine.

I have to go for an ecg and weight check every 2 weeks at the doctors and bloods monthly.

So now my outpatient nurse can just focus on the mental side and not the physical side. (but my doctor will inform her if there are any concerns about my weight, ecg or bloods)

[recover-relapse-repeat19]

He wanted to care, he wanted to care so badly.

But there was this gap between what he felt and what he wanted to feel.

A space where something important had been carved out.

-Victoria Schwab.