healing

my recovery in art.

[recoveredart]

you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won’t back down

[recoveredart]

a poem created from different song lyrics. the process was probably better than the product honestly

[recoveredart]

life thief

[recoveredart]

my fears about depression affecting relationships

[recoveredart]

a poem about how people talk about eating disorders

[recoveredart]

depression isn’t always what you think it is

[recoveredart]

This is a book journal I’m almost done with. It’s filled with collages, drawings, mementos I’ve saved, quotes, poems, and more that characterize my journey through my eating disorder. This is where a lot of my content will be coming from. My belief that I’m “not sick enough” has been at the core of my eating disorder basically since it began. This quote reminds me that nothing will ever convince me of that outside of myself.

[recoveredart]

I’m back!

I honestly totally forgot about this account, but I’ve rediscovered it and I have a lot of art to post. I hope people are still here, and I’m excited to get back into it!

[therapyschmerapy]

Trying to recover on your own

[letsrecover]

12 recovery guide articles you should read

The top recovery guide articles people come here and to youreatopia.com for. These are recommended to read so you can educate and prepare yourself.  1. Phases of recovery 2. Extreme hunger (about bingeing in recovery) 3. You are not a unicorn 4. The fitness trap 5. The Minnesota starvation study 6. Disproportionate/rapid weight gain explained 7. Insidious activity (about the dangers of exercise) 8. Bloating and stomach troubles 9. Water retention 10. The renovation 11. Calories are your bodies money 12. Veganism/801010/HCLF

[byebyethinspo]

Destroy the idea that anorexia is the only serious eating disorder.

Do not glamorize underweight BMIs and restrictive eating.

Validate that all persons with all body types can have an eating disorder.

Understand that all eating disorders are life-threatening.

Recognize that no person is too damaged to recover.

Empower those who are healing.

[justedrecoverythings]

Friends and family who aren’t super educated about eating disorders, but still love me enough to make a strong effort to support me

[emn1393]

My eating disorder recovery was very different than most of those posted on instagram, tumblr, Facebook, etc. I’m not saying yours is better mine was worse, vise versa. But I feel weirdly like my eating disorder and recovery has been invalidated because it wasn’t broadcasted on social media, so this will be a rant. Feel free to stop reading. 

ED recovery blogs/ Instagram accounts are full of cliff bars, yoga, screen shots of texts between friends who are struggling, posts about discussions with therapists and dietitians, meal plans, “trigger warning” tags, organic veggie burgers, pictures of new athletic gear, pictures with friends for smoothie dates, pictures of adorable girls who yes are struggling, but who are making progress, “little victories” of eating a tiny fucking vegan coconut soy whatever the fuck ice cream cone with vegan sprinkles on top. All of that is great! I’m glad people are getting support from others on social media, because that is the world we live in. I’m glad that those struggling with EDs can seek treatment, get good nutrition, exercise, etc. I’m glad that they feel empowered through their recovery, and I hope that every day they choose recovery. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want it to sound like I’m hating on ED recovery blogs. 

BUT my struggle with anorexia, bulimia, laxative abuse, over exercise, and my entire recovery was much, much, much, less shiny. I didn’t have an Instagram or tumblr, for fucks sake, I didn’t have a cell phone.  I didn’t get through recovery on organic tofu, smoothies, bars, free range this and that, and didn’t challenge myself with fancy cheese cakes with my parents. I gained my weight back on mashed potatoes, plain cheerios, store brand yogurt, and school lunch. THATS RIGHT HIGH SCHOOL LUNCH PIZZA. I gained my weight back bawling at the kitchen table eating spaghetti (no not whole grain! not organic! not gluten free!) while my my mom was shit faced across the table.

My recovery wasn’t full of texting conversations with others who understood what I was going through. I didn’t know a single fucking person who had an ED. When I tried explaining what was going on to my friends, their response was “yeah I went on a diet once!”. I spent most of my days eating my lunch in my car because my friends were uncomfortable with my illness. I wasn’t asked to go out and go on coffee dates with people to catch up. I spent every night writing in my journal (yes a paper journal!), taking care of my alcoholic mom, and wishing my life would be over. I had a boyfriend, but he wAs a piece of shit. He was the cause of it all. 

I didn’t have the opportunity to go to treatment. Again, don’t get me wrong. I am glad those who post on tumblr/instagram about treatment are able to receive treatment. But I was a fucking burden to my mom. I weighed 73 fucking pounds and IT WAS A BURDEN TO TAKE ME TO A DIETICIAN. I should have gone to treatment. I’m glad I didn’t. But when I see people saying how “it’s so unfair” that they might have to go to IP or IOP, some part of me feels like if I would have had the opportunity, it wouldn’t have taken me 7 fucking years to be okay.  My mom constantly told me I “needed to get over my ED” and “I was ruining everything” meanwhile she drank herself to sleep overnight (and by night I mean at 4 pm). I had no fucking support. The friends I had to support me are amazing and still my friends, but no one understood and so many people tossed me out when they found out about my ED. 

College was a fucking joke. Until the last semester of my senior year, I purged multiple times a day, took handfuls of laxatives, over exercised, restricted.  I somehow made it through though and am going into grad school, behavior free. My life is great now because I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS.

But somehow, I still feel like my eating disorder and recovery wasn’t as real as everyone elses who has the pictures and posts to show it. I have two pictures of when I was sick. That’s it. I guess I’m glad I don’t have more, but part of an ED is needing to feel validated, and I don’t feel it. 

[e-leri-deactivated20160430]

this is honestly beautiful. it’s so easy to get caught up in the “recovery world” but for fucks sake you all, it’s time we stop kidding ourselves. recovery isn’t pretty. not everyone goes to treatment - in fact, very few have that opportunity. recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all. let’s stop pretending that unless you’re recovering through XYZ, you’re not recovering.

[amandagenine-deactivated2019062]

You don’t have to be emaciated to have an eating disorder. 

You don’t have to throw up blood to have an eating disorder. 

You don’t have to faint to have an eating disorder. 

You don’t have to end up in the hospital, on your deathbed to have an eating disorder. 

Saying things like “I’ll deserve recovery when_____” or “I’m not sick because ______” is only keeping you in the cycle of struggle and turmoil. 

There is not a better way to be sick. 

[recoveredart]

[lisarayanne]

[recoveredart]

sometimes we forget in the midst of it that our eating disorders can actually kill us. they are not our friends.