recovery cat

Eating disorder recovery blog focusing on self-compassion, healing relational trauma, and healthful movement. Run by someone who managed to truly recover.

[recoverycat]

Giving in to self-destructive behaviors and sticking it through in recovery are both painful and exhausting, but only one is suffering in the right direction.

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[traumasurvivors]

This goes out to all my fellow abuse survivors who struggle with “basic things” now that you’re an adult.

You haven’t failed. You aren’t stupid. A lot of these things were things you should have been taught in a nurturing environment and it’s not your fault you weren’t given that.

[recoverycat]

When I first moved out, I suffered 2 years of intense agoraphobia where I didn’t even manage to leave the house. For years, I was unable to feed myself properly, check the mail, answer the door or the phone, and keep up on my chores. My place looked like a pigsty and I was miserable for it. I felt so broken and ashamed, but I couldn’t muster the energy og will to do anything about it. Everything was so fucking hard.

But there is hope! I’m highly functional now. I have my affairs in order better than most nowadays. I never gave up improving those little things and trying out new systems until I found stuff that worked. It took me many years to get here and healing wasn’t linear at all. Slowly, something here and something there got a little easier until it all accumulated to a managable routine.

My best advice is don’t give up. But it’s okay if you do, so long as you get up on your feet again eventually. I gave up countless times, but I always got up again. Try and fail. Try again and fail better.

[recoverycat]

trauma recovery win!

CW: mention of previous intimate partner violence

I was half awake when my partner wrapped his huge arms around my neck in a chokehold in his sleep. We had a disagreement the evening prior that, regardless of its calm nature, had left me feeling nervous due to past trauma with other people. But when he wrapped his arms around my neck, my blood ran cold and my thoughts started racing with worries of oncoming violence. I was stuck there for a bit, trying to calm myself when he suddenly got a muscle spasm in his sleep that flashed me right back to being choked by a previous violent partner. I began disorientingly melting between being back with the previous abusive partner and feeling so sure that this is when my current partner will turn violent and kill me. This is it, I felt. I had lost all grasp of the present and reality. I froze completely, terrified. Then it subsided and I was again back in the present, able to recognize that my partner was sound asleep and coherently able to understand that it was just a muscle spasm. And you know what happened then? I managed to self-regulate and fall asleep in his accidental chokehold, feeling safe, though a little rustled.

It’s my first time actually being able to calm down enough to fall asleep! I’m so proud of my progress! There is hope!

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

the woodcock (aka timerdoodle) rules

[akaiiros]

this actually is rewiring my brain as we speak

[traumasurvivors]

It’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to want to give up. It’s okay to feel like you are back at square one. 

Healing is a messy process and it does not operate in a linear fashion. 

Please keep trying. You’ll get there.

[recoverycat]

I fell apart countless times before I got where I am now. It’s normal.

[recoverycat]

I’ve been reminiscing all the years that were consumed by disordered eating and I feel so sorry for my past self and every unfortunate person who has to live with so much pain and self-hatred.

Everything is so easy now. I’m happy most of the time, I have so much energy, I’m excelling at my job, and I got into my first healthy relationship. I learned the hard way that I attact and am attracted to people in the same life stage as me, so I ended up with unstable people when I was still struggling myself.

It all has a bittersweet after taste. I cannot fathom I spent so many years of my life wanting nothing more than to never have been born. I’m so happy I was born. Damned be all the trauma I’ve suffered, I made it! I’m okay! Finally!

There is hope!

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[recoverycat]

Before I recovered, I would read posts from recovered people describing how happy they are after recovering, I would see all those body positive tiktoks and before and afters. I didn’t believe any of them. I was horrified by the before and after pictures and videos. It was completely beyond me how it was possible to recover to a healthy weight without wanting to claw out of my own skin. I didn’t believe it was possible to be truly happy. At that point in my life, I thought everyone was miserable, some just hid it better than others. Whenever I looked at people in public or online, I would wonder what exactly made them miserable. It didn’t feel intuitive at all that it was possible to feel okay.

I think that’s understandable. When all you’ve ever known is pain and misery, that is your normal. We know others through ourselves. It’s flawed to view the world through our own eyes. We are so biased, everything we see and think is processed and distorted through our personal lense.

Because of this, I don’t really know how to manage to truly communicate to you how happy I am. I have that recovered body, I eat all my meals without thinking twice, I don’t love myself, but I don’t hate myself either. Most of the time, I feel a peaceful contentment. I feel I can breathe and just exist. I feel truly okay. 

I’m writing this from my couch, bundled in warmth in front of my fireplace that has been lit since 8 in the morning. I have a cup of my favorite earl grey, I’m still pleasantly satiated from breakfast a couple of hours ago. It’s starting to get bright outside and I’m thinking about packing my lunch soon and going for a hike right behind my apartment. I feel so truly happy here, with myself.

Recovery is possible.

[traumasurvivors]

You aren't a terrible person if you aren't ready to heal yet. You aren't terrible if you can't look forward yet. You aren't a terrible person if you're stuck in the past and still trying to figure it out.

You'll get there. I hope that you are able to begin healing and looking forward soon, but it's okay if you aren't ready yet.

[recoverycat]

After losing 13 years of my life to a debilitating eating disorder and cptsd that left me disabled with chronic pain and fatigue, I’m finally getting my life back. I dropped out of middle school due to my psychosomatic mental health issues and never managed to hold a normal job. I’ve been living at the outskirts of society since then, isolating, hating and fighting myself.

I recently had a cold and it made me reminisce how hard everything was before I recovered. I constantly felt like I was sick and everything was so hard. Lightheaded, dizzy, hungry, weak, out of breath, headaches, constipation, feeling blood struggling to pump to my head when standing up and seeing stars, freezing, my feet could barely support my own weight. It was absolutely horrible. My cptsd left me with restless nights, nightmares, severe anxiety, paranoia and body armoring. The chokehold these two disorder had around my throat left me desperate to escape myself which only worsened all my issues.

So much has changed. Once I managed to recover from my ED, everything became so much more managable. I got the energy I needed to claw back control of myself and my life.

I managed to get an apprenticeship as a traditional dress maker, which has been a dream of mine that I never thought was possible due to my previous pain and fatigue. I’m moving to a beautiful nature municipality to start a new chapter in my life. My new apartment is much nicer than any place I’ve ever rented before. I’m really moving up in the world and it all started with eating properly so that I could function enough to manage everything else.

My grandma always said “Uten mat og drikke, duger helten ikke.” A rhyme meaning without food and drink, the hero cannot function. I guess she was right!

[recoverycat]

I keep forgetting that I have this blog. That’s how far behind me this all is. I moved and started my first ever fulltime job as a traditional dress maker apprentice. I love it! I love how strong and capable my body is now that I eat properly and manage to sleep, too! Recovery saved not only my life, it also gave me the energy and joy to want to live. It’s not a battle anymore. I’m so grateful I never gave up and managed to claw myself out of hell.

I wish you all the best! There is hope!

[recoverycat]

hey, what kind of ed do you have if it is okay if I ask?

This is a tricky question to answer because the symptoms of my ED have changed lots through the 13 years I was afflicted. I'm formally diagnosed with Atypical Anorexia Nevrosa, although if I got diagnosed a little later, I would have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nevrosa... which is another topic entirely. I would've had bulimia if I had a gag reflex. I've had periods where I binged without compensating and gained a lot of weight.

In the end, I don't really think that the nature of your symptoms really matter, because it isn't about the food or your body, there's something underneath it all driving you towards self-sabotage. We should be more curious about that rather than food and eating and bodies.

[recoverycat]

tips on how to know the right amount to eat for your body? how did you figure it out for yourself?

I feel like I have no idea what a correct portion size is, I either eat way too little when I’m scared or way too much—or rather what feels like way too much. I don’t even know if it IS too much or if that’s just the disorder talking.

I learned from a dietitian in out-patient treatment. It was the first step towards truly recovering. I was absolutely gobsmacked by how much she told me I should be eating. Now it's normal to me. I don't think twice about it. Food is so easy now, I never thought I would get here, but here I am.

I can't answer this for you because it really depends on your body and activity level. My dietitian gave me a very Norway-centric document listing normal portion sizes of common Norwegian meals. That's what I based my food habits on ever since. Maybe you can try to find diet recommendation from your country's govurnment, if you have it. Or maybe there are hospitals in your country that have print outs for diet plans. I could tell you what I eat, but it would likely not be very helpful, I'm afraid.

One of the biggest a-ha moments I got from treatment is learning about the prevelancy for people to undereat during the day (when most of us are most active) and then reactively overeating in the evening or weekend. So for me, one of the crucial changes I've made is eating most of my food in the daytime when I'm working. I rarely go hungry now and, thus, never reactively overeat. Meaning I don't have to be triggered by that darn overeat/undereat cycle, although more aptly called the undereat/overeat cycle.

If anything, I hope this answer motivates you to find out how to eat enough!

[akindplace]

Liz Fosslien  

[recoverycat]

After losing 13 years of my life to a debilitating eating disorder and cptsd that left me disabled with chronic pain and fatigue, I’m finally getting my life back. I dropped out of middle school due to my psychosomatic mental health issues and never managed to hold a normal job. I’ve been living at the outskirts of society since then, isolating, hating and fighting myself.

I recently had a cold and it made me reminisce how hard everything was before I recovered. I constantly felt like I was sick and everything was so hard. Lightheaded, dizzy, hungry, weak, out of breath, headaches, constipation, feeling blood struggling to pump to my head when standing up and seeing stars, freezing, my feet could barely support my own weight. It was absolutely horrible. My cptsd left me with restless nights, nightmares, severe anxiety, paranoia and body armoring. The chokehold these two disorder had around my throat left me desperate to escape myself which only worsened all my issues.

So much has changed. Once I managed to recover from my ED, everything became so much more managable. I got the energy I needed to claw back control of myself and my life.

I managed to get an apprenticeship as a traditional dress maker, which has been a dream of mine that I never thought was possible due to my previous pain and fatigue. I’m moving to a beautiful nature municipality to start a new chapter in my life. My new apartment is much nicer than any place I’ve ever rented before. I’m really moving up in the world and it all started with eating properly so that I could function enough to manage everything else.

My grandma always said “Uten mat og drikke, duger helten ikke.” A rhyme meaning without food and drink, the hero cannot function. I guess she was right!