gryffinborn:
She crawled beside him, noticing the hand that soothingly traced lines up and down her arms, but refusing to take comfort from it. Lily did not want to be calmed down, she wanted to be furious. It seemed the only way in which she could actually do something. That did mean having to fight against James’ low voice and the steady, trusting expression in his eyes, to which Lily nearly automatically softened.
It was hurt she was feeling as much as anger, she knew that, but a further analysis wouldn’t do much good. She had been rejected many times, by people, by this world and perhaps it was a sore spot. Anger was a better feeling to indulge in. It could be useful. That was a dangerous thought - Lily had never wanted to be governed by anger. In fact, she had done so once before, with Bellatrix, and had ended up regretting it. The memory of that - particularly conjured by the mirror image of James lying in a hospital bed and herself beside him - made her try to check the impulse. Her head turned into James’ neck, where she breathed in the scent of him, only slightly spoiled by smoke, in the hopes of ceasing the blood boiling underneath her skin.
The anger had settled into a more comfortable position, not gone but settled when she lifted her head again. In his eyes she could see her own heartbreak reflected. “The last thing we need is another enemy to fight,” Lily began, though warmed by the fierceness of James’ support. “I can’t hold it against the hospital. Whatever motivations they have, well, it hardly feels as if we’re short of enemies already. And I know which ones I’d rather see pay.” The firmness in her voice spoke of the anger that did still remain. “But - thank you.” He was always somehow exactly what she needed. “ I want to be there for your parents. And I suppose it’s a little selfish as well. I want them to make me feel better too.” Her eyes lingered on him, betraying the love in her heart, and that ever present fear, only just reassured by his presence. Losing this would hurt. It would hurt more than she could imagine now, when Lily did indeed almost feel as if James’ very presence could heal any pain she felt.
She looked down as he pulled on her hand and followed the movement to his chest, where Lily closed her eyes, simply feeling the level beating of his heart. For all it had been through, it kept going, and if Lily hadn’t known what had happened, she’d have believed James as healthy and hearty as anyone in the world. She did know, though and could only keep her hand light on his chest. “I know you’re not leaving. I tried my best to detach James Potter a long time ago, but then it turned out I loved you with all my heart and I couldn’t do it,” she had begun light-heartedly until it had rung with a painful and blunt honesty. Returning her gaze to his, she said, “I’ll take you battered anyday. I mean it. Whatever darkness you think is on your hands now, you’re wrong. I’ve known you since we were eleven years old, and I’m going to know you until we’re lying under the snow, alright? That’s a promise.”
Only James could make her laugh right now. Lily gave in to the impulse, then abruptly stopped, feeling like tears all over again. “Yes, I do want you to do that,” she admittedly honestly, in a low voice which did not conceal the rawness of the feeling in it. To have James be hers right now was precisely what every instinct called for. Not that she could protect him any better that way, but it felt like it would do so. “But I also know we’d regret not having our friends. So I suggest a compromise. A proper wedding, like we’d planned, but what are we waiting for? I don’t need anything but you. What do you say to the end of the month? Halloween? I know that’s only a few days, but I want this, James.” He hadn’t said no, and he was smiling. Lily hoped the idea made him happy. She herself felt set ablaze by it, reawakened after the combination of grief, waiting and fear had so weighed her down.
The feeling of Lily pressed beside him was one that James was both used to and also certain that he would never get used to. He can feel the tension practically radiating off her, despite his ministrations and he had a very strong feeling that it would be a long while yet before she truly calmed down. He understood why, of course, he did, if there weren’t about eight different potions running through his veins at that moment, James was sure that he’d be just as angry as Lily was.
Instead, however, he just felt numb.
Numb from the pain, from the grief, from the worry. From knowing his family could have lost far, far more than just their house and their beloved elf. It was difficult to mourn when the most important person in the world (equal, of course, to Sirius) was beside him, was safe, but James knew that the time would come when the pain of it all finally hit. When the guilt followed suit. It was because of him that Adi was dead. It was because of him that the house was gone and that his parents’ fates were caught in the balance. If anything, he was just overwhelmingly glad that Lily had not been there with him. That he hadn’t had another person to protect at that moment.
As Lily turns her head, James moves his hand to rest on the back of her skull, gently stroking her hair more for his own comfort than anything else. He had always been besotted by her hair: the length and the colour and the feel, and it remained one of his absolute favourite things about his fiancee; one of many at that. “Imagine that,” he attempts to joke, despite the weakness of his grin, “Voldemort and his cronies on one hand, and then we’ve gone and pissed off the St. Mungo’s healers on the other. Not sure who I’d worry more about facing.” James’ smile grows a little stronger at Lily’s words and he nods his head firmly. He didn’t care what he had to do or who he had to argue with: he’d get her in to see his parents if it was the last thing he did. “They’d want to see you, I know they would. Reckon Mami loves you more than she’s ever loved me, to be honest. And you know she’s obsessed with me, so that says a lot.”
James’ hand is steady as he holds Lily’s against his chest, against his beating heart. He’s certain that it skips several beats and speeds up at the feel of her touch; forever a giveaway to his true feelings, but it felt as though they were a long way from simple platitudes as such. Lily had his entire heart and his soul, and James was certain that no matter their young age, there was simply no one else out there for him. No matter what happened during this war, no matter where they ended up, James was certain that he would fight harder, knowing there was someone to live for.
And if it came to it, he was equally as certain that he now had someone to die for as well.
“I’m pretty hard to get rid of, I’ll admit,” James says, his voice steady, “It’s because I’m so lovable.” Lily’s words strike a deep, sensitive chord inside James and his lower lip wobbles a little as he gazes heavily at her face. “I love you more than anything, Evans. I mean that. No matter what we’ve both done. I just...I need to accept it myself, I s’pose. Never thought I’d be this person, and it’s hard...it’s hard to consolidate being the bloke you love, with being the bloke who’d do such a thing.” A bloke like Snape.
There was no need to explicitly name names, they knew each other well enough to not need to, and James forces himself to shove the thought down as far as he could. It was not the time, and no matter his grief and guilt. James knew that he would never make the choices the other had. He couldn’t make those choices.
Smiling brightly, James attempts to scramble to a sitting up position, shifting Lily beside him before he flops back down with a pained grunt. “I’m a pretty shoddy groom right now, to be honest. Not even sure they’ve changed my pants since all of this, and I can’t even get up to get our celebrant,” he says, laughing a little at the situation. He felt unnecessarily giddy with the thought of Lily becoming his wife in mere moments, no matter the inconvenience of the situation, and James yearned for the possibility. “Could you imagine Sirius’ whining? He’s already upset I didn’t invite him to the proposal, as if I planned it for when it happened. But Evans? I’d marry you anytime and anywhere, so you suggesting my favourite holiday?” He grins, “I’d get down on one knee and propose again if I could right now. That sounds great. Anything that makes me your husband as soon as possible works for me. I want this to be official. You to be a Potter, or me an Evans, whatever we want to do. I want it. I want you.”















