Incredula

Silence rules.

[redula]

The engineering of things

Even trying to start this whatever I would call it, my brain stops and start thinking of how it should be? how should I start? how should I structure it and there are another billion thoughts running in parallel in my head, each one trying to fight for a chance to be the next one I pay attention to, ending up with all of them losing and me cursing my brain for both randomness and structure.

There is always this conflict of how it should be, and then why should it be anything at all, and once again they stand in the ring fighting each other and the only loser here would be me.

The first thought that triggered this writing is this: the engineering of things. (هندسة الأشياء) and how this concept is messing with my head, not just my head, my life flow I would dare say!

What I tell myself is STOP ENGINEERING EVERYTHING! stop anticipating and putting a flowchart with all outcomes to be ready for whatever it ends up to be, you never will be as you thought you would, and you take the soul and essence of all the things you need to live and experience. stop protecting yourself because when there is nothing to be protected from you end up ruining the experience for nothing.

I know you're an idiot and when you decided to let go you did it the wrong way and ended up going down a road that you shouldn't have gone through, you ended up hurting yourself and some other people too and got absolutely nothing at the end but heartache and not so few unpleasant experiences that will be carved in your head for God knows how long.

Choose how and when to let go, learn how to calm your thoughts down and turn off your mind to pick one thought, one worthy thought, one worthy scenario to follow and focus on that and only that. learn that it's okay that you can't be everything, you can't be everything and its opposite, ditch it, DITCH IT! it had always driven you crazy and if you don't ditch it entirely you will end up being insane.

[redula]

Was it you?

Why is it when I’m drowned in a whirl of days one after another is it that I think of you.. I don’t close my eyes and the world dissipates in front of me and there you are, a flowing light, almost blinding at first but then it starts shimmering down bit by bit to display an entity that takes on my whole body and being, it lifts me layers upon layers and elevates me to a reality that cannot be physically attained, yet is crystal clear, why? I then recalled, in a psychedelic trip I was trapped inside of my head, running from one darkness to another, looking for an exit from the horrendous place that is my mind, and there it was, a few lines of light connected to each other, forming what seems to be a geometrical shape of fragments of my soul, out of breath I faintly smiled, thinking I got myself out of the dark, or was it you?

[memoryslandscape-deactivated202]

“When she covered his face with her hands, the world disappeared, as did every burden on his mind, her touch like Veronica’s veil. Once they parted, she carried his image forever; he, an everlasting wound within.”

— Greg Sellers, journal entry, “Notes from Neruda’s Ghost,” 13 April 2022

[redula]

I stopped writing.

I stopped writing, years ago. I stopped writing for a couple of reasons: 1- I didn’t think my writings were good enough to put out there. 2- I only wrote when I’m sad and wanna let it out and somehow I thought this made my sadness even more real and I thought if I stop writing it and letting it out it won’t be as real.

The fact is I’ve always wanted to write, to stop keeping my thoughts and sadness inside even if it’s for the void but I have miserably failed and it became a part of me, this sadness is embedded in my insides, without it I’m not sure I’ll recognize myself, who I’m gonna be, what kind of thought process I’m gonna have..

Is this really it? Am I clinging to what’s only making me sad and miserable because it’s the only hell I know? Even if it’s hell, but it’s familiar? Am I falling into the mistake I’m condemning people around me of committing? This is what I think of most of the time now, but it’s so unlike me to be that person who commits to familiarity, I’ve went out of bounds time and again in my life and if this says anything about me it says the opposite of what I’m suspecting.

I’d give a shot at a little piece of happiness and inner peace if I had one. I don’t wanna be miserable. I wanna live and not just survive.

I wanna live and not just survive.

[memoryslandscape-deactivated202]

“All of his sorrow won’t fit in his chest It just burns like a fire in the pit of his chest And his heart is a bird on a spit in his chest How long, how long, how long?”

— Anaïs Mitchell, lyrics from “How Long,” Hadestown LP (Righteous Babe Records, 2010)

[bookmania]

All I do is keep on running in my own cozy, homemade void, my own nostalgic silence. And this is a pretty wonderful thing. No matter what anybody else says.

Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (via bookmania)

[redula]

First agents’ short mad story.

That’s why I listen to Schubert while I’m driving.

My mind was peaceful for a while along with the rhythms by the beautiful Schubert until I felt itchy...Schubert is perfect but not really, with every little imperfection I wanna punch that old man in the face and ask him what the fuck is that?! why do you have to torture me like that! of course there is no response, he’s probably rotting by now.

“Well done.” Tyrion said “Scum you may be, but you’re undeniably useful, and with a sword in your hand you’re almost as good as my brother Jamie, What do you want, Bronn? gold? land? women? Keep me alive, and you’ll have it.”

With your stupid sword thinking you could slit my wrists using its strings, so that I let go of the driving wheel and crash into something! Well that’s not happening, if anything, you keep me more alert and that is how I’m one step ahead of you.

I hear the sound of fingernails against my windshield, it grows louder so I have to stop in the pouring rain, I see a girl, and then without warning, the girl stands and walks to the door on her slender legs, The door is shut yet soundlessly she disappears. Now, Schubert, that is something I can crash over.

In our society if someone wants to be a hair stylist or a kick-boxer or a hunting guide or a school teacher, he or she must be trained and licensed by the state agency, but to be a ghost, it does not require any training or license, it only takes my mind to play tricks on me.

Most things are forgotten over time, even the war itself, the life-and-death struggle people went through is now like something from the distant past, we’re caught up in our everyday lives that we think everything that happens to us is so important, that something only from my own creation, which is the result of my own twisted mind is so life changing, of course it can be deeper, still such a haunting event or a haunting girl like that shouldn't matter, ‘cause nothing else does.

[redula]

Endure.

People should realize that becoming close to someone comes with great responsibility.

People usually imagine that with intimacy everything will be cute and huggable, but no, with intimacy comes a great deal of load, and by load I mean the things you get know about that person, the flaws and the imperfections.

With more intimacy there are a lot of things to endure, you reach deep down that person’s soul and you might find a lot of unexpected stuff, good and bad, and you have to be prepared to swallow all of it with so much love and patience, you would never “unlove” someone you reached the depth of his soul and saw all that there is to be seen, but you can become weary and irritated and there is only one way to decide between staying and enduring or leaving, and that is whether it’s worth the weariness or not.

[redula]

The end.

Why would you beat yourself up in a shitty situation just because you’re “holding on to something”?! I know you’ll think “sometimes it’s worth it”, but let me tell you this, it’s always worth it till it becomes not anymore. It’s really tiring, it drains you and you lose yourself in the process and you end up hating yourself and hating everything else, it’s devastating, leave.

[redula]

The must read masterpiece.  The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

[redula]

Time.

We humans tend to forget what once hurt us, we again and again slip back to it and every time thinking time had done it's thing, but guess what?! It hadn't.

[redula]

Existential crisis 1.

Lost is not the word for my current state, it's rather a silent rage, not waiting for explosion, no. Its questioning the universe about all the virtues I've spent my life believing in, the ground I've been building my life on. What if it turned out to be all wrong, and the things my heart strove for is just a creation of my own?! What if my demons shaped it that well so I would fall for it and then they would bury me deep down the ground?!

Right now I'm questioning my own existence. 

[redula]

After life and within.

As I grew up I've always thought that I'd only reach stability in my life when I find someone whom I would share my life with, and when I say stability I don't mean dull one, but a whole. I believed in this all the way through and I longed for it, I waited for that moment when I don't have to hold my breath anymore, I didn't pray for it, I didn't feel down when it seemed really far, I just waited. As I waited things began to change all around me, those who said they'd never be there, did, and those who thought the opposite, didn't. I changed, I still believe in all of what I've once believed in, but I changed, I'm no longer waiting, I'm no longer holding my breath, not because I found what I believed in, but because there is nothing to hold my breath for, the moment is not gonna happen and I realized that if I held my breath any longer, I was gonna suffocate on my own breath, on my own belief. What happened to me?! I found that it was not my path, I'm not destined to that kind of stability, that planet wasn't, and will not be mine. I ventured around, I flew between all its moons and I gazed its stars, I felt its aura and I took what I can take in, after a while, I realized it was enough already, I had to go, I had to let go. I did. I woke up from my grave to face another life; my real one, the one I was destined for, and that was only my grave because I had to die to live again. I didn't die tragically, I died peacefully or almost, I accepted my lifetime in my previous life, I drank all of its water and it ran through my body, in every single vein, but it's blood that should've ran through me and that's when I knew I had to go and I did. As I came alive again, all was new to me and I had to make my way through it all from the very beginning, I don't think I was annoyed, when you die and come to life again, your past life is just a faint memory, a distant one, it did affect you and you had felt it within your bones but that was back then, now with your new self affected and all but you can't feel the carving in your skin anymore, it's over. I blended in real quick and I felt myself in no time, I liked how it felt, my new other life, I didn't resent my older thoughts, though, I still believe in the theory only it cannot be applied on me. There will be no stability point in my new life, I'll always hang around the center. I will not wonder what it would be like to be the center, not that I settled for less than I should've settled for, but this place, this exact point fits perfectly, like a perfect ring around ones finger, like the moons of the planet and like the stars, it's where I'll always belong.

[redula]

Blur.

I can’t feel, like the essence of my soul is fading, and I can’t act I’m just waiting for whatever is coming; because you can’t just catch smoke, can you?!

I’m the body that if you touch will turn into ashes and be gone.

I’m not hollow, but I’m, burnt and the last layer covering my insides is melting.The blur covering my eyes is almost blinding, I can no longer see if this is the ground or another hole with the depth of the unknown.

My legs are so fragile I can no longer crawl, my hands look like I've just murdered someone, blood stained and weak, and my voice is gone I can no longer scream for help.

[redula]

Timing is a bitch.

Life knows nothing but bad timing, it will hit you at your weakest and will make sure there is no one around to fix you up.

[redula]

The one with the disappointment.

It’s really sad when people you care about underestimate you.

[redula]

One more try.

I want to talk but I feel sick; like there is no air around me, I’m suffocating and feeling life is slowly drawn off my skin.I’m sick of feeling miserable I’m sick of crying and I’m sick of feeling consumed, my strength is drained and my legs are aching, my heart is no longer pumping as it should be. I don’t even know what to wish for? Happiness?? I’m not even sure what happiness feels like. I’m down to my lowest and I can’t seem to find anything or anyone to lift me up. I’ll just wait till I sigh my pain out and say: One more try.