Rehab Refugee @rehabrefugee - Tumblr Blog

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Lifestyle

As addicts we're perficient in the ancient practice of fucking things up. I've been given a refresher course on this; which cost me the best thing I've ever had or could ever hope to have.

Loss is no stranger to any addict. We can nearly build an immunity to it over time, but this one hurts as be has as that first loss, if not more. Meaning I obviously let my guard down, and allowed myself to get to close to someone.

Everyone and everything is temporary! At least in the lifestyle we've chose to live. Good reminder of how feelings are best left at the door.

I keep hearing her that time she said "I'd fallow you anywhere!". First time anyone has said something like that and stood by thier words. That meant everything to me.

Addiction, it truly is a fabulous lifestyle...

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Society creates the need for criminal behavior, then condemn us for the actions took.

-Jawshua Spunn

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"I'm poor in currency and material objects, but wealthy in more important things!"

-Jawshua Spunn

Haunted

I've just became aware of the fact that I am haunted! I don't mean that I am being terrorized and tormented by ghost; but then again that is exactly what I mean in a sense. The ghost that I'm haunted by are not the spectacular apparition draped in a sheet wearing chains and moaning. The ghost that I find myself haunted by are the ghost of my actions!

I've greatly increased my proficiency in being a shitball here lately. I use to have a sort of morbid code of ethics I went by. I use to only get over on someone that had fucked me or someone I fucked with over; or someone that was just a plan shit ball such as myself. These past few weeks the gloves have been absent completely! If you want one of my people or someone they fucked with and I saw opportunity to procure or exploit something from you for personal gain then I sure in the fuck was doing it!

I find myself now in some sort of sensory overload covered in a healthy portion of spiritual conflict and sprinkled heavily with shame; its causing great distress and alarm.

Even when I am not spun I think I'm hearing someone running up on me. I literally hear the shoes scuffing on the concrete orin the gravel and goddamnif I don't feel like I feel someone's presence right behind me. I ofcourse turn in alarm, ready to swing just to find that none is there. I've sworn I've seen a person walking towards me aggressively baring something in their hand, then the sight dissipates or transforms back into what it really is, a tree, a light post, a stop sign, whatever. I've even experienced the audio alone.

Sure this could be attributed to amphetamine abuse and is even a common side effect in seversl users, but the fact that I've been a connoisseur of amphetamines for many years now and never once had anything quite like this happen leads me to believe that its spiritual. This is the byproduct of my recent plunge balls deep into being a full blown shit ball. I've broken myself and what I use to be. I'm haunted by the ghost of my shit ball actions! These damning memorys along with my guilty conscience and regret are manifesting into hallucinations of what I surely deserve and have coming to me.

Frivolous Debate

Aside from when election year comes around and we are forced to hear each parties debate and the "yo momma so fat... " slam session of the other candidate; The most annoying, most frustrating topic for anyone to discuss is that of addiction. Addiction: is it a choice or is it a disease? What the fuck does it matter what label it gets slapped with. The only thing that matters or that anyone needs to focus on is that addiction is what it is! And we all know damn well what it is!

All this futile attempt to label a aggressive and progressive epidemic is shallow, pedantic, and morally corrupt! I understand simple minded state of being that our society has fallen into; with the Jerry Springer mentality of pick a side, debate, argue, fight, and defend no matter how obtuse and hollow each side's views really are. I can only assume that doing this must fill the individual's with an undeserved sense of accomplishment and purpose to partake in such childish acts of " no! My dad's better then your dad!". Its clear that this dumbass debate is taking focus off what addiction really is, what the addict going through it is going through, what that addicts friends and family are dealing with, and its wasted energy and resources that could be applied to much greater purposes.

For every trendy craft beer drinking hipster that insist in joining in on this debate when they have absolutely zero experience with addiction; neither lived it first hand, forgot to watch a loved one go thru it want to know what addiction really is? It's a personalized living hell wrapped neatly in the most beautiful and peaceful heaven that one could ever imagine! It's the reason and the only reason while some of us choose to continue on with life, all while being the main reason we want to die! There is no logic, there is no rhyme, there is no goddamn reason so why the fuck does it even need a fucking label? What rings true for one addict won't neccesarily ring for another. For me its literally the only thing that gives me the desire to drudge thru another day, yet it's the reason my day is filled with suicidal idealization.

Perhaps I really am just jaded and my views on this topic are tainted. Maybe the most important thing here is to label what addiction is rather then use that time, energy, and resources in assistance to addicts and their family's. I'm sure I am just looking at shit negatively and once you genius minded saints from above label addiction right it will debolish addiction world wide, it will probably even bring my girl that died from heroin back along with every friend that have met their end by overdose. Boy! Will my face be red on that day! I'll be able to do nothing besides cram into my skinny Jean's, grab a fancy craft beer and join in on the conversation about which sports team is better and why, or even better yet I might get to partake in the next hot topic debate that will surely change the world for the better! Hope our team is the winning team so we can all get a Nobel prize.

And we addicts are the ones deemed sick, and/or mentally ill! No, no I'm seriously starting to see the huge blunder that my logic is! I've been such a fucking idiot! Someone pass the kool aid, but be quick our national hero Springer is coming on!