*Lust alone does not keep a man and won't ever be a reason a man will stay. *Many times I could not take Ma's words anymore and many times I attempted leaving home, searching rooms for rent but in the end I still stayed. As a middle child I don't always feel I am cared about and I never opened up because no one would understand and me tell and me the things I needed to hear, Instead I know I would only hear humiliation, mocking, insult which is the least thing I would ever want to happen. But I realized, Ma gives a tough love, that's who she is. She took the masculine role to raise us and needed to be like that. If it is gentle love that always forgives easily, Kuya and I would have never reach this stage now. And so now, I would treat Ma's harsh word, like a bitter medicine pill that i need to swallow, but can heal me. *Honestly, I never saw Daddy as a 'Father'. I never ran to him crying, never shared my problems. I never felt the need to do it. The moment he disappointed me the most was when he told me to stop studying - thing I wanted to do the most, he lost the Father image to me. Before that happened I was already reading the Bible at Grade 3 to 4. I told myself even if I never had a father Iike the other ones had, I have a Father up above who can listen without judging me, and will help me survive my personal battles. If there is Father who guided me, gave me peace, strength and enlightened my path during my darkest days, it is Father I looked up far above until now. I will always have a Father even until old age who will never leave my side and forgive me no matter what. The fatherly figure you needed cannot be found in any human relationship or specifically, a boyfriend. The best Father you could ever have is just waiting for you to pray. Sending job applications?Pray Accepted to a new job? Pray Rejected? Pray. Feeling Insecured? Pray Feeling unworthy? Pray In every step, PRAY. Because a series of wrong steps lead to wrong PATH. You wondered how I managed without an older sister to rely on, that is because I relied to the One who is immeassurably higher than I am. That is the truth. You will never have it figured out. You will never be certain in life. I am also always confused. I always ask questions. I dont know if I am doing it right. but I also always look above and pray. I failed my first board exam, I seek several call center jobs, I cried during a job interview at Citi and still was not accepted, I only got accepted after many attempts at Telus.
But it was not the end of the world. I knew I lacked discipline, I lacked faith because I was drifitng away from the One who gave me strength. The failure made me return to HIM again, before board exam, while the papers are handed out to each examines, the butterflies are all over my stomach, but I prayed. After the test, I was nervous, a different kind of nervousness in a do or die moment as that test can determine my future, then I prayed. During lunch break, others are relaxingly just eating, as many said that you must not study anymore during board exam time because nothing will come into your head anymore, but I never listened to others and studied while eating. Then I prayed after. Prayer does not make you weak, it gives you a sense of humility that there is someone greater above who can help, but at the same time, that humility is the causing you to become the strongest. Ignoring praying is a boastfulness, that you can do it alone, you dont need any assistance from anyone and everything will be okay. But you will only become false positive, the human strength is volatile and can easily be influenced, you will doubt over time and you will only end up at result out of your human limitations. My faith was not imposed by anyone me. I felt it naturally, I felt is as kid without question, without a doubt, the first time I saw Jesus in the church, I just know he is up there. I am not imposing this into you too. You can only discover it yourself. Every human has a fair share of struggle and personal battles they never talk about. Social media created an illusion that everything is just rainbows and happiness, but it never showed raw human struggles because it was never even pretty or instragammable. You have a storm inside your head. You are the only one who can stop it. I am giving you a ladder now to leave that storm, but it is only you who must take the step. You have to believe you have the power to leave a situation you dont like, even if not for now, you will, someday. Once you achieve that peace in your heart, your once messy surroundings will be at peace too. Because the noise inside your head is the only noise you need to take care of, once you overcome that, every other noise outside is bearable. We may not hear your silent screams but there is someone who heard it all along. You were never alone.
Let it all out and know he listens. Who are we to look down and throw stones at you? We are not saints either. You are not Matilda, you are the only one Aisha and your family loves you. You never know how much they wished for your existence. You will be successful in your own way and you will thread a path entirely different from your ate and kuya - no siblings are exactly the same, but they will still be very much proud of you. ~~~~ There is something I need to put out as well, a bottled message I have been keeping for a long time. I am planning to tell this side of my story maybe on her bridal shower or her wedding, but I feel like it needs to be opened now. Let me apologize to your 3 to 4 year old self. It's hard to put this into words but I wished I played with you much longer when you were a kid. The time I realised I wanted to play more, you grew big enough to leave your toys behind. I did not realize that time passed quickly and your childhood is over in the blink of an eye. I wished I did not say no, when you asked if we could play with your cooking set, I wished I brushed your hair more, have put my books aside and played with you, because you will never be a kid again. My series of no's became a wall that put a distance between us. I set it up myself and that made me look apathetic. Maybe my only consolation and redemption with this regret is by studying hard to earn more and support you financially. Maybe that is the only good thing that came out of putting my studies first. I hope your younger self will forgive my 10 year old self who also dont know much then. I may not be the sister you needed when you were young but that prepared me to become the sister you needed now and in the remaining years to come. To end this let me say one more thing, you are not a dirty rug. You just had messed up page and there are still many more blank pages ahead. However, you do not hold a pencil anymore but a pen with permanent ink. As a child you hold a pencil and always think that you can erase every mistake. But as you grow older you are given a pen out of experience, and mistakes as an adult are harder to reverse and erase. You can erase it somehow with white liquid, but this mistake leaves a mark forever so you have to be always careful with your decision. Regardless of how many mistakes in the past, you hold your own pen and you have the power to change your story and what happens with the next chapter.
