This blog is just a home for what will essentially be βoverflow authorβs notesβ for future chapters of The Purpose of Repose
I tend to get a bit wordy in my a/nβs, and due to vocal readers+the work that goes into writing this fic+life putting gaps between updates, it felt appropriate that I make a separate space to share my thoughts [instead of dumping walls of text on Ao3 β Iβm aware not everyone wants to read all of that]. Iβll simply include a link on each new update!
This is just me not wanting to annoy people on Ao3 (or on my main blog, @thirdeyeblue)
Hopefully, youβve only found this blog because you wanted to π
Extended author's notes, AKA just a fucking journal entry, let's just call things what they are
Please forgive me for being a day late!
(Except for the rude, entitled jerk who left the comment on the previous chapter about being late. We do this for free, and that was a shitty way to start my day! But I'm good now.)
Extra anxiety has come with this update, as Iβve lost my beta for the foreseeable future (our friendship is fine! Theyβre just going through some heavy stuff) β and this person has been such a vital part of the process for the past year. Itβs too late in the game for me to even want a new one for this story, so there is a chance that I may be seeing the rest of this fic through completely on my own.
Thankfully, this friend worked with me every step of the way as I finished fleshing out the blurry parts of my outline last year, and Iβm still confident about the ending+everything leading up to it. I have faith that I can do this alone (chapter 10-16 were written without a beta), but of course itβs disheartening, as this sort of hit me out of nowhere. Itβs now Sunday (edit: itβs now Monday), and Iβm writing this as Iβm working on giving my new chapter one final read-through without an extra set of eyes to reassure me that it doesnβt suck ahead of time. (edit: Fic is now posted, and I just finished reading it AFTER posting it, and the amount of little errors and bits I needed to change was astronomical. But! Feeling much better now).
In the event that I do continue on solo, Iβve reminded myself that I wrote my entire first fic in less than a year, I did it without a betaβs eyes, I was depressed, and it was two hundred thousand words long! I can do this, damn it.
Iβll concede that writing was easier back then β not because I felt more creative or capable, but because I didnβt overthink every word choice and utterly obsess over the structure of every last sentence. I just wrote. Iβve dedicated a lot of time and self reflection to getting that magic and confidence back, and these last few weeks, I feel like I finally mostly got it. Itβs a bummer to be down a beta, but Iβm still here, still driven to finish this story this year. Hopefully sooner rather than later. And I am excited about it!Β
Everything below this was where I got a little carried away with the whole "unrelated journal entry-ness" of it all. π
My mental health has never been better. I can recognize now that, when I thought it was great at random points these last few years, it was just because of the rare windows where it wasnβt awful. This year, I can honestly say that I have not been depressed. I get anxious about things, but the thing thatβs holding me back is no longer crippling sadness. Itβs more insecurity and imposter syndrome, which I recognize I have to figure out how to overcome if Iβm ever going to become an author. And itβs going wellβ¦ but I still have a lot of work to do on myself.Β
The other thing Iβve recognized I have to overcome is my inability to finish fics like I once did. This is the story Iβm currently most driven to finish, and am therefore dedicating nearly all of my creative energy towards it. My other most popular WIP (Fated to Stay) is also there waiting to be completed, but Iβm waiting for ovulation to beginβ¦ For obvious reasons, of course. π Thatβs not a fic I want to touch when Iβm at a slightly meh part of my cycle, if you catch my meaning. It deserves advanced horniness.
Do you just intend to torture this poor girl until her dying breath?
Are you fridging her?
Is all this just so the Doctor can stop moping and sweep her off her feet while casting poor Martha to the wolves?
Again: Maybe you're not wondering about any of that. Fuck, maybe (and more likely) you're not reading this in the first place, but if you are: Please note that it's been less than 24 hours for Rose! She's had a mixed bag of both good and bad things.
Yesterday morning, she woke up hopeless and alone and empty. This morning, she woke up on the TARDIS in the Doctor's arms. It's not all bad for Rose, and it's not going to be bad forever.
But, unfortunately, there's still some messiness to get through. Rest assured, though: It's not just messy for her. It's messy for pretty much everyone. Everyone but Mickey. π
I really hope this update was entertaining. I'm going through one of those moments where I'm worried all of my stuff reads stiff and robotic. Sigh.
Also: Between this update and the last, I not only got to meet and hang out with my wonderful friend and beta, but we both got to meet David Tennant! He was wonderful and precious and perfect as you'd imagine!
(This is really just a journal entry, for real. Stuff I needed to get off my chest.)
Iβve been dipping in and out of the document for chapter eighteen since the summer, overthinking endlessly, fine-tuning, rethinking, and then overthinking a little more (and of course Iβm still insecure about it)
Full disclosure: I got some comments back around January that wrecked my creative productivity. They werenβt even mean or bad β if anything, they made me feel insecure about how much weight they put on their expectations of me as a writer. They were quite articulate about it.
I donβt know how to describe it other than: it felt like they were Anton Ego sauntering into my back-alley kitchen dumpster fire mind after Iβd inadvertently managed to gaslight them into thinking I was worthy of some Michelin Star inspection.
Brother I'm just a smut writer
I had an interesting back-and-forth with this person, who was clearly passionate about the story β only for me to wind up deleting all of it, retreating into myself, worried other people might see that exchange and also have higher expectations than I felt capable of fulfilling. I was already feeling depressed.
(I have no idea if that person even still reads the fic.)
Itβs ridiculous, considering my ultimate goal is to become a published authorβ but being spoken to as though I was practically already there sent me running for the hills. Thankfully, Iβve had the better part of a year to unpack why that exchange affected me so deeply, and Iβm feeling much, much better.
(Overcoming the overthinking has been INTENSE. But some incredible readers have given me a wild blast of motivation over the last couple of weeks, and Iβm going to ride this as long as I can)
Something else Iβll just throw out thereβ¦ Some people in the T/R-shipping realm started treating me differently over my T/M stuff this year, which has been a whole other thing, to say the least. Even lost a ββfriendββ (and likely a few readers) over it. All while I was actively writing fic of, creating art of, and pitching fan campaign ideas about our mutual OTP.
Apparently, all you have to do is make one little suggestion that Ten might have fallen for Martha if Rose hypothetically never existed (within a well-thought-out and highly fucking nuanced meta that couldnβt have been more shippy over Tentoo and Rose) and you learn just how brutal fandom can be. I wound up creating a separate Tumblr and Ao3 just to try and avoid that sort of thing as much as I can in the future.
Β That hurt me tremendously, but yeah β thatβs the other thing that blew a massive hole in my motivation.Β I even still have friends who are different towards me now/can't even read anything I write anymore. I wouldn't say I'm over that, but it no longer affects my motivation, which is the most important thing.
My primary goal for 2025 is to learn to go easier on myself and to stop overthinking everything so I can begin finishing my fics again. How am I ever going to write and publish a book if I can't finish my fics or handle a bit of fandom-based nonsense?
I'm also ready to finish writing this fucking story, because I've been big hyped over the ending all year.
I cannot believe the fic has 300+ kudos. With THOSE ships? TOGETHER? Brooooooooo I am honored
No idea if anyone read this, but if you did, I hope you've had a great holiday season. And I prrrrray you love where the story goes!
Hello! I've been reading this fic over the last few days, I love it! I'm actually hooked. Just wanted to send some love. I cannot wait for the next chapter β€οΈ
So sorry for the late reply, I havenβt checked this account in a couple of weeks β but thank you so much for this πππ You have no idea how much help it was to see this. Iβll definitely be working on that chapter today!
Itβs actually almost complete β Iβve just been jumping between this fic and three other fics (when I should be focused on finishing one at a time).
TL;DR: I'm so sorry for the ridiculously long delay in updating, but thank you so much to everyone who's reached out in support of this fic this year - from Ao3 to Discord to Tumblr. You're beautiful, life-giving angels!
Also, this fic will likely be 7-8 chapters longer than I thought. But more on that later.
Continue reading below, if you like - but if you're wondering why the hell this blog exists in the first place, please refer to my pinned post!
Just wanna get this off my chest: This fic is the best/worst creative decision I've ever made. I began writing it to challenge myself and step outside my comfort zone, but over time, it's become my favorite.
(It's 2 am and I'm so tired, so I'm sorry if the remainder of this post is a hot mess)
It's been a bit of a journey to get here mentally, both in and out of 'fandom' realms (have I mentioned how much it sucks loving two pairings whose shippers NOTORIOUSLY HATE EACH OTHER?) but it's been so, so rewarding, and that's because of such incredible readers.
When people have left comments about initially opening the fic begrudgingly [only to fall in love with it], or just sent me a song they've been listening to while thinking of the fic (see playlist below) - good god, I think about that stuff every single day. It's so special to me, knowing this ridiculous smangst fic could affect anyone like that.
From the beginning, I've followed the outline to a T (save for a couple of tiny amendments, such as Rose showing up a little earlier than I'd intended initially) - so just know that the only reason it took me forever to update is because of insecurity - not because the muse has left me!
While it might not have ten thousand kudos, and while a lot of people have said some incredibly hateful things (I will once again refer to the absurdity of anti-tenrose VS anti-tenmartha discourse), the pros smash the cons. So thank you.
I had (have) a lot more to say, but I already don't know if anyone is going to read this to begin with, so I'm going to cut myself off. But thank you SO much for reading! I hope you like(d) the update!
Thank you so much to badxwolfxrising for being my guiding light with this fic+helping me pull my head out of my ass+being my first friend in the TenRose realm to publish TenMartha smut. Also, thank you to Kate/@blueteensy for being such a massive cheerleader of this series always (and a wonderful friend)!
Playlist of songs wonderful readers have applied to this series (this link will allow you to add music as a collaborator. If you have any Repose songs, I would love to hear them!)
Playlist of songs I've applied to this series
Brilliant recreations of the red room by my dear friend @blueteensy: p1, p2
