Republican Roommate

a.k.a. Rich White Republicans Taking Advantage of Low-Income Democrats: Home Edition

[republicanroommate]

This blog's been gaining followers lately, so I thought I'd just thank everyone who's bothered to read this stuff. As always, I appreciate your appreciation. : )

Also I was going to publically respond to a post and end by saying that, except then I accidentally just sent it to their inbox, so uh... Sorry dennyluan. My b.

[republicanroommate]

Not sure if this blog is still active but your commentary is priceless! I found myself losing track of time while reading your whimsical posts lol (:

aw, thanks for the comment. : )  i don't really do this blog anymore since i don't live with the guy (and the rage has subsided), but i'll post here if i put up any other writing projects.

and since i'm posting it - thanks to everyone who'd been following.

[republicanroommate]

for old time's sake

really lets me know you care

when you stop by

out of the blue

and i tell you i work the next day at 11:00

and you decide to hog the shower from 10:00 till 10:45

it just lets me know that you're worried i won't be thinking about you

and leaving something behind is always thoughtful

so i can reminisce with the hair you left on the side of the bathtub

or the giant puddles on the floor

but those, ah, so fleeting

if i skipped showering, i might not even notice, or think it had been someone else

dirtying and neither washing nor putting away several beer glasses - my beer glasses

i must admit, it's a masterful touch

he knows how to be remembered

[republicanroommate]

white powder

i'm not talking about skiing

although, republican roommate has expressed a love of skiing

anyway

we're getting ready to move out

so we've been doing a little repair work here and there

dusting, vacuuming, etc

and spackling in holes left from hanging pictures, cable wires, shit like that

i guess republican roommate decided some of that really needed to be don

this morning

in a big hurry

how can i tell?

apparently, it needed to be done so quickly that there was no time to move, say

my laptop bag

which i found thoroughly frosted with spackle bits

which, along with the whole internet fiasco, is a great day-before-your-birthday surprise

[republicanroommate]

"hey i'm gonna leave old roommate's pots & pans, alright?"

“yeah, sounds good, otherwise we can’t cook much”

“haha, yeah”

the pots and pans are fucking gone

[fuckboyzuko]

Ivan, this is Zen. Also, namedafteraduck is my friend Teal.

We are sorry for your loss, but also glad because we love this blog.

So… yeah. I’m sorrank you.

[republicanroommate]

you're sorrelcome

[republicanroommate]

return of republican roommate

so he decided to come back up

because hey, he was headed to, uh, about five states from here

and decided to take a detour?

whatever i guess that's a valid thing for rich people

anyway

he said he came by to grab some stuff

now, this clearly isn't the case

or at least, isn't the whole story

since all his stuff is in a storage locker down the street

he clearly came here just to inconvenience me, because he transported all his shit from that locker to our apartment for no reason instead of, like a sane person, leaving it in his nice shiny rental car or justnot picking it up until you wanted to move it

since that means he has to pack the cartwice, obviously he wants to put it in this apartment for some reason

maybe it was to impress the friends he brought over unannounced to the deserted disaster area apartment he said he wasn't coming back to?

but he didn't even bring chairs

and it's not like he'd not bring chairs just to make them uncomfortable all night; he's a fucking champion at making people uncomfortable all night

he - as near as i can tell - brought them to place deftly on the volume control plug of my speakers

so that the volume will diminish into oblivion if you so much as breathe on the plug once finally nestled into the last micron of space that still makes a connection

yes

this seems much more like him

i had thought i was free

but now i must wonder what other horrors must i endure before this Demon's Lease is truly executed in finality

[republicanroommate]

"hey i'm gonna leave old roommate's pots & pans, alright?"

"yeah, sounds good, otherwise we can't cook much"

"haha, yeah"

the pots and pans are fucking gone

[republicanroommate]

the internet

is now out at our apartment

permanently

what happened to it was not a power outage nor a phone line going down

in fact, the weather's been quite nice lately, so i wasn't expecting such an outage at all

what occurred was a republican roommate

who decide that, since he's leaving

and since the bill's in his name

he'd just take the router and the cable boxes over to the cable company today

ten days before the end of the billing cycle

ok, sure, i can understand wanting to do that - you're moving out, you can credit it to your next bill with them, sure whatever

but to do that when the other two roommates are still going to be living there?

and rely pretty heavily on the internet for things like jobs, banking, etc?

and with whom you ostensibly have an agreement to pay the bill together (even though he hasn't bothered to collect it from me - his responsibility, and, previously, his habit - in two months)?

it's not like i wouldn't pay him. hell, i'd pay the little extra just to have it till the end of the month. i had figured he was just giving me some leeway because my situation's been pretty rocky lately - it's been difficult just coming up with rent money.

but no

it would be pretty stupid for me to assume any kind of compassion or consideration on his part

well, i better catch him before he leaves

to remind him not to ask the landlord to shut the water and electricity off when he leaves

oh, and he and other roommate went over to try to switch the cable bill over to other roommate's name, since "it's under my name" is the apparent reason he can't leave the modem and cable boxes under our stewardship for all of ten days

and apparently, it would take ten days to get that switched over

gee

maybe it wouldn't nice to

i dunno

have planned this in advance?

given we still have another month to live here?

[republicanroommate]

notes from today's argument

mistaken about broken window theory; thought it was locking people up for maximum sentences rather than cleaning up graffiti/broken windows and increasing enforcement against petty crimes. basically confused it with zero tolerance.

thinks zero tolerance has a considerable effect on lowered crime rates - cited basically Rudy Giuliani saying it worked for NY

didn't know anything about the drop in birth rates correlating to the drop in crime rates, but just dismissed it out of hand anyway

tried to argue that recidivism rates are higher amongst older people, because they were 'accustomed' to less severe laws or something (he said they were "comfortable" in their "lifestyle") - in fact, the opposite seems to be the case

apparently got his info from some half-drunk cop in Philidelphia, but decided to argue this as gospel anyway

conceded that he was incorrect on some points (recidivism rates, broken window theory) but still won't budge on zero tolerance = lower crime rates happy society

poor people just do crimes because poor

not concerned at all about gigantic levels of non-whites filling prisons, because hey, they just so happen to commit most of the crimes, right??

i think that's about it yeah

[republicanroommate]

"i don't owe these guys anything"

anything except

like

the rent

and any fees incurred

when they have to clean up after you

this shouldn't even need to be a conversation between us

you should just be able to pick up after yourself

and not get whatever the fuck all over the bathroom

and not clog every inch of the tub with your mutant-growth-factor hair

and not leave beer bottles on the toilet

and not leave blotches of sauce and other miscellany on the kitchen floor

because guess what

if you don't clean up

before the move-out date

they're going to charge us an assload of fees

and while i'm sure you don't care

i'm struggling just to get the rent together as it is

and oh yes i know you want to assure me you'll "do your part" before you move out

but i also know your nice shiny new internship starts before the fucking move out date

and it doesn't even matter because you probably consider "your part" something like "dust off my fucking TV and then vacuum a little"

instead of "wipe up crusty gunk from around the bottom of the toilet"

while i cannotwaitto get the fuck out of here

itreallyburns me that the run-up to my freedom will involve another dehumanizing, unnecessary quest though hygienic hell

if i have to clean up after him even just this one last time, i don't give a shit if the apartment complex wasn't going to bill us anyway, i'll post you invoices until the end of goddamn time for having to put up with your shit

[republicanroommate]

granola bar wrappers

in case you are wondering

are not bio-degradable

are not necessary to wash

and can get stuck in tight places easily.

someone is not aware of this

someone thinks the trash compactor is a perfectly fine place for this

i cannot even imagine why he was near the sink with it

[republicanroommate]

jurisdiction

remember the big healthcare case before the supreme court a couple weeks ago?

whose decision is still pending?

the whole "obamacare" thing?

well, we had a chat about it

a chat featuring some friends and some alcohol

you see, he seems to believe that national health care is, perhaps maybe, a positive thing

but he's also really vehement about congress not being able to require people to buy a thing

even if that thing is good

and not buying it only levees a small fee

for which there is no punishment to not pay.

he didn't know about that last fact, but while it temporarily stunned his advance, a full rout was unsuccessful

you see, even if he agrees with the law, it has a myriad of positive effects, and it negatively effects only a very small percentage of people in a rather negligible way

if it's technically not allowed probably, it should be thrown out completely. keep no part of it

but that, while stupid, is all pretty regular republican rhetoric

what really wowed me came after i made this offhanded comment:

"well, even if they repeal the whole thing, it won't affect us much, since we live in Massachusetts"

Massachusetts, home of MassHealth, i.e. Romneycare or w/e

his response?

"weeeelllll... if the supreme court overturns obamacare, they'll probably repeal masshealth"

"what"

"they could repeal it, too"

"no they can't"

"...yes the could"

"no. they can't. that'd be ridiculous"

"uh, yes they can, they'd outlaw the individual mandate-"

"they'd rule the federal government instituting a federal mandate illegal. that would effect the states"

"it could"

"no it couldn't"

"yes it could"

"no it couldn't. that'd be a ridiculous breach of jurisdiction"

"dude, they're the supreme court"

"what?"

"the highest court?"

"that doesn't mean they can do whatever they want"

"yeah, but it means what they say applies to the states"

"yeah, like, for civil rights. not for the interstate commerce clause. y'know that whole "interstate" part? the part where the federal government is involved because of commerce between states?"

"yeah"

"so that has nothing to do with Massachusetts having its own mandate"

"sure it does"

"you're an idiot"

and then the high-tension peanut gallery erupted in laughter

"dude, don't just destroy the debate like that"

"we're not having a debate. you're being stupid to me in front of an audience."

[republicanroommate]

"it's so easy to get them to do what i want"

that's a pretty horrible thing to say

and it was said without any hint of sarcasm or irony

and who was it said about, exactly?

why, his girlfriend, who he'd just spoken to on the phone

you've gotta be a pretty horrible person to have this sentiment flying around your head

just sayin

[republicanroommate]

still good pt. 2

so i noticed a couple nights ago that our fridge was strangely warm

seeing that the temperature setting was on 4

out of 9

i decided someone might just have put it on too low

so i turned it up to 6

and the next day, it wasn't much colder

if colder it indeed was at all

so i cranked it up to 9

and waited

and on the next day

twas still quite warm

turns out, the fan that blows cool air into the fridge from the freezer was frozen

probably because of overloading the freezing and improperly packaging food

but that's really a matter for another time

what is important

is the horrible, horrible smell coming from the very warm fridge

we ended up throwing out two blocks of moldy cheese

a bunch of moldy pasta

some moldy salsa

a container of sour milk

some rancid meatballs

a head of broccoli (that i just bought ugh)

and a bulging container of putrescent hell a.k.a. bad yogurt

what stayed was some cheese that was unopened and without mold, some decidedly unaffected butter, some other cheese that if we're being serious isn't really actual cheese, some carrots and celery, and a bunch of generally non-perishable stuff that we just like to keep cold

the safety of which will all be researched before consumed (or thrown out)

but there was also a big cauliflower with moldy spots and a carton of eggs

which i had thought would be really obvious to throw out

but republican roommate had other plans

plans like

"hey, let's eat that stuff"

so the other night he treated himself and his girlfriend to a whoooole bunch of steamed cauliflower

which i think smells and tastes like raw sewage anyway

but given the health of the particular vegetable prepared, i retreated to my room in safety, lest the meal catch the scent of my fear and assault me

but he didn't get sick

because, well, ok, i guess you're probably fine if you cut off the bad parts

but

he still wants those eggs

and i discussed with him

the fact that eggs sitting in a not-working-for-at-least-three-days refrigerator

was a massively bad idea

we're talking tuna sandwich from a vending machine bad idea

i even bought a new carton of eggs, which i implored him to use instead if he at all felt iffy about the old eggs

which i again indicated strongly the iffiness of

but

nope

his will to be right - and 'prove' me wrong - is apparently worth sacrificing his health for

repeatedly

anyway

he plans to make a whole load of hardboiled salmonella eggs

and i plan to have a paramedic on speed-dial

[republicanroommate]

still good

so the other night

new roommate and i were watchin some tv or some shit

and new roommate wanted to make some noodles

so he put some water on the stove in a little saucepan

a little non-stick pot

and we both promptly forgot about it

a while later

there was this weird popping sound

and i thought maybe he threw ice into the pan or something

but when i investigated, i saw a strange cloud accompanying the strange noise

quite a bit of this horrid vapor hung in the kitchen air

and its stench suffused quickly throughout the apartment

we removed the pan from the heat and started trying to circulate some fresh air

so as not to choke to death or w/e

and, briefly lamenting the loss of the pan

went back to watching tv

soon, republican roommate trundles down the stairs

in, i will note, only his boxer shorts

and inquires as to the source of that dreadful odor

we tell him that we've succeeded in destroying a pot

which he wanders into the kitchen to appraise for himself

he then comes back

and says "ok, but don't throw it out"

"...what? why not?"

"because, i'll still use it for stuff."

"what? no. it's ruined."

"yeah, yeah, i get it, but i'm still gonna use it."

"...that's a really bad idea"

and so on, with my explaining that it is the type of bad idea which may affect a person's health

and given that we got the pan for either free or very little

it wasn't really worth it

to which he responded

"well, i'll do my own research on that, but i think it's still good"

which just means "IT IS STILL GOOD AND I WILL USE IT AND YOU ARE HORRIBLE FOR CALLING ME WRONG"

which is the obstinance usually met with when someone challenges any of his opinions

but, lo, the pan is gone, and i know not yet who it was that threw it out or for what reason

i'm just saying that if you smelled that gas and saw that pan

and hadn't ever heard anything about the safety of burnt non-stick pans

you would not at all be inclinded to have an argument over keeping it

not if you were sane

[republicanroommate]

good boy

"hey, i saw on facebook, you just got a job! oh man that's great! congratulations! good job!"

because you probably can't hear it

the above is spoken in the most saccharine, fake "i care" voice possible

not really a voice someone would use with

say

a fellow human being

more like

well

instead of describing particular facets of the tone used

i've prepared a translation:

"aw, you got a widdle jobby-wobby? well who's a good boy? who's a /good boy?/ who joined the workforce? /you did!/ yes, /you/ did! who's a good little blue-collar busybody? /you/ are! oh yes you /are!/ oh /yes/ you /are!/"

i addressed him about this and he assured me that in no way was he patronizing me

about the shitty taxi driving job i got

which several times prior he'd used in conversations as an example of an easy job for lazy idiots

well

whatever

he can fetch his own damn slippers from now on

[republicanroommate]

nintendo

"ok, just how the hell did this guy make a mockery of something as innocent and pure as nintendo," this title might prompt you to ask

and i have to admit, what happened today is not something necessarily confined to the realm of nintendo

there are likely analogs of these behaviors in any game

video or otherwise

but to set the scene

me and other roommate have been playing around with the nintendo 64 we have at our apartment

because we are men of good taste

we've each started a save file on paper mario

and i also brought up a cartridge of f-zero x, which we had a good time last night being utterly humiliated by

so tonight, republican roommate came downstairs

while other roommate is watching the ending to paper mario, having just beaten it

republican roommate decides

just at this moment

that the nintendo is perhaps lonely

or aching

but, at any rate, direly in need of human contact

rough human contact

and the lovely animations are replaced immediately with a cascade of random numbers

if you have ever - ever - owned an old cartridge console

you would know without ever having been told that you should NEVER

TOUCH IT

WHILE OPERATING

to make matters worse, this nintendo 64 is in fact the property of republican roommate, so it's not as though he's unfamiliar with the machine

and, to add a new layer of perplexity, he is rabidly defensive of his far-less-finicky XBoxes (he has two)

well, we both stare at him, indignant at the massacre he's purveyed upon the newly righted mushroom kingdom

luckily, other roommate just shrugs it off - it's the second time he's beaten the game

so we make, perhaps, a peace offering - we ask republican roommate to play f-zero x with us

i have to admit that part of me just wanted to see him play a game far out of his league

and i was indeed rewarded with such a result, if only because he hasn't played in years

but the result had itself a result:

as soon as he fell off the track, he paused, scrolled down to Retry, and pressed A

all in one unfeeling motion

and this

is not

ok.

other roommate and i were doing particularly well, and were already on the second lap

tracks don't even last long - he'd be out of the game for perhaps half a minute

but nay, this was too much to ask of him

when our indignation was again apparent

through, perhaps, our immediate voicing of it

he acted like this was a very normal thing

a mere accident

an unrestrainable impulse

i am afraid that i should now seek medical help

some type of optical restraint

because a person's eyes can likely roll only so hard

before they gain sentience

wrench free from their sockets

launch across the room

and bore through a man's cranium