Echoes Fade

A place to rebuild myself

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

When Your Parents Stalk You

By Eleanor Skelton

Stalking is usually applied to a romantic relationship gone bad.

This is why people hesitate to believe me when I say I’ve been stalked by my parents.

After I moved out, my parents showed up unannounced at work or on campus, asking me to reconsider and go to Bob Jones University. The first time it happened, I was walking down the sidewalk to visit a new church since I had no car.  A car drove up behind me honking, my family rolled down the windows, shouting, “Just remember, Bob Jones is still available!”

They often bring gifts: sandwiches, keychains, homemade soup. They seem to think this proves they are good parents. They say this is how they show me they love me.   The professor who was my supervisor when I tutored on campus saw them do this. He said their behavior was abnormal, intended to wear me down and make me give in.

I’m not the only one. Other homeschool alum have had parents drop off identifying documents at work without asking, another told me her mom found her between classes and gave her a gift card and sent a sheet and towel to her apartment. She hadn’t told her mom her class schedule or her address.

I don’t know what their motivation is.

Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe they think I’ll be brought back into the fold with organic baked goods.

This is how my parents demonstrate that they love me.

My first apartment was unfortunately near the church that shunned me. My parents drove by often to look for my car, texting me “did you sleep at your apartment last night?” I explained my roommate and her boyfriend invited me for a movie night and I slept there. My mom told me it was inappropriate to sleep at a single guy’s place. Never mind that we had a couple of drinks during the movie and I wasn’t safe to drive.

Being honest and open about my decisions only provoked criticism. And they wondered why I stopped telling them things.

In summer 2013, my dad parked outside the nearest stop sign when he knew I would get off work. When I drove by, he jumped out in front of my car so I had to stop. He wanted to change the air filter in my car. He didn’t understand I was startled and angry, that I was afraid I could have hit him.

My parents barged into the middle of a staff meeting for the student newspaper in fall 2013, handing me a parking permit. My dad didn’t wait for me to buy one myself.

I told them I thought their actions were inappropriate in group counseling.

I wrote, “If anyone else who I wasn’t related to followed me around the way you guys do (leaving me random sermon CDs in my bicycle bag when I’m in class, etc), it would be considered really creepy and stalking. Think about it.”

My mom replied, “I do not think it is creepy if we are coming by UCCS from a doctor’s appt., and leave a gift for you in your bicycle sidebag. Sorry you took it that way. We are not checking up on you.”

Last October, my dad showed up at my apartment around 7:30 am, calling me over and over during an exam. He was upset that I didn’t answer right away. He wanted to trade out cars because he was afraid I wouldn’t get maintenance done, even though I’d asked him to let me learn how to take care of my car myself.

And they showed up at my work again last weekend, asked a coworker on his smoke break to bring me a package.

They don’t understand acting like this makes me feel incapacitated.

Fundamentalism doesn’t teach consent, it teaches you to respect authority. Control is normal, so you should be grateful for what they do, even if they don’t respect your wishes.

I don’t feel like an adult when my parents do this. I start to feel like a powerless small child whose parents are always going to check up on her, like all my independence has been taken away from me.

They think this is how to show me that they love me, but I just feel the walls close in.

And I don’t think this is love.

Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/homeschoolersanonymous.org/2015/08/15/when-your-parents-stalk-you/amp/

[butter-and-too-much-bread]

Isn’t it completely fucked up how parents are given a pass on most behaviors that’d otherwise be considered creepy and invasive? It’s almost like you’re considered their property or something.

[overlord-fire-bubble]

Bruh. I made sure even after “forgiving” my abusers, that they didn’t know exactly where I lived. Because you never know when they’re gonna randomly show up at 3 a.m. and try to convince you that they’re not wrong about something. Abusive family is a wild trip to survive.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

^^ THIS

[xprincesspainx]

Is this like a thing now? My parents kinda do this thing where they are always trying to make sure they have everything in my life under their control, in a really silent, passive-aggressive sort of way. I’m 24, and just moved into an apartment by myself. My mom would call me and demand that I text her when I got home so she could make sure I didn’t “die in car crash” on the way home or whatever. I kind of bend to whatever they want me to do, living my life the way they want. I don’t know how or if its possible to break free from it. It’s really odd, I thought, because I’d always imagined being more independent when I was 24, you know, like most people, lol. It’s almost like they view me as incapable, and a failure, destined to make mistakes and be completely incapable of caring for myself. I do have mental disorders, but I’m not stupid. I know how to do things. The reason I’ve “failed” is because of my forgetfulness, and being overwhelmed by people like them wanting to know everything about my life and control it. It’s like getting in a wreck when your passenger was trying to grab the steering wheel out of your hand because you aren’t driving the way they like, then them using that wreck as an example of why you are a horrible driver and can’t be trusted to drive. Best analogy I could think of right now. Lol most of the reason I’m suicidal sometimes is because of this social dynamic with my immediate family that has effected my self-esteem and ability to make friends. I just wish it would stop. It will one day, but I’d prefer them to learn before their passings… I mean, there’s more to this (there always is), but I think that’s a good overview of the situation for now.

Ultimately, why are parents of this generation so controlling? I mean, is it still rare for this to happen, or is this becoming a problem? I mean, do they even realize how sabotaging this is? Or is that part of the plan? Why? 

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

This is definitely a thing but I don’t think it’s a new thing. Some people are terrible at being parents because they never matured and probably shouldn’t have had children. Your analogy is totally brilliant! That is exactly what abusive parents do. They make you fail and then blame the failure on you when really it’s their fault and then use the failure that’s actually their fault as a reason to not allow you to control your own life. But you’re 24. You can control your own life now if you want. If your mom truly does worry about you and that’s not just a manipulation, and she can’t tolerate it emotionally, she should probably seek out some therapy because normal parents are able to let their adult children be adults. It’s not your job to remain her child forever because she has been unwilling to do the emotional work she should have done before she even gave birth to you. She probably won’t be willing to see the reason in this so gaining your autonomy is just a decision you would have to make on your own. If you think about it, she’s not going to live forever. What’s going to happen when she dies? Are you going to die too because she’s not there? No, you’ll figure out how to survive because that’s what people do so you may as well start now. 💙

[asexualyeti]

I’m going to add to this thread because I think it’s very important for people who are just starting to realize they have abusive parents to see specific examples of control and abuse. They may not realize their parents (or other family member, s.o., etc.) are exhibiting abusive behavior unless they see something relatable.

When I started college (living with my parents), my father worked a few miles away from the college. I didn’t realize it at first, but he used this as an excuse to come by the college and check to see if my car was in the parking lot during my classes. When he and his wife demanded I give them my class schedule and work schedule every week, they said it was so they wouldn’t worry, so they knew when to expect me home, and played it off like they were just looking out for my safety. I didn’t question it at the time, thinking that if I was coming home from work (I worked at a bar until 2:30 a.m.) and something happened (because bars aren’t the safest jobs in the safest places), at least someone would know to look for me. My parents had the spare key to my car (reasonably explained to me that it was just in case I ever locked my keys in my car at work/school and they needed to come help out). Every night after work, my father would swing by the college and look for my car to make sure I was there. Now, anyone who has been to a college campus knows there’s a lot of parking. If he didn’t find my car, he and his wife would blow up my phone and accuse me of skipping class, demand I answer my phone immediately, and get angry when I didn’t (because I was in class). He started carrying the spare car key with him, and when he found my car on campus, would unlock it and go through my stuff. He’d check that my registration and insurance were up-to-date, check to see if my car was clean (they have this obsession with vehicle cleanliness; it had to be spotless all the time or else I would face ridicule, even exasperation or anger). He’d claim he was in my car because he’d misplaced something and wanted to see if he’d left it there, he was just checking the oil in my car, checking the tire tread/windshield wipers were functioning, etc). Thankfully, I was a really good kid (no or limited drinking, drugs, sex, etc. that they could have busted me for). I worked about a 45 minute drive away—and it wasn’t a convenient area. My bougie parents had no need to leave their Whole Foods, high-end boutiques, and rich community to trek out past the burbs to the isolated bar, but they’d show up at my work saying they were there to support me, offer to buy me dinner on my break, drop something off for me. It seemed innocent at first, but they’d speak to my manager or coworkers to get an honest opinion of my attitude at work; I didn’t realize it at the time, but they were also showing up to make sure I was where I said I was. If I stayed late at work with friends, my father or his wife would call, asking where I was, who I was with. I thought this came from a place of concern. I later realized it wasn’t. It seemed innocent enough at the time; my parents also wanted to know every detail of my life. Who did I talk to at school? Did I make friends with people in my class? They’d want to know details about these friends—what did they do for work, what was their home life situation like, were they in relationships, did they drink/smoke/do drugs? I thought this was just them wanting to be involved in my life. The fact that they texted me all day long, at the time seemed like invested parenting.

I didn’t realize how big a problem this was becoming until things started getting really bad at home when I was about 19. It got ugly. Things really started to fall apart at home as I became a scapegoat to my narcissistic, borderline stepmother and her daughters. During fights, she would pull out charts she was keeping where she’d written down my schedule, listed the times I left the house/arrived home, and would make me account for the missing time in between; she also kept a list of the times I’d texted back when I’d said I was in class or at work (believing this to be evidence that I was lying about my work schedule/skipping classes).

I moved out shortly after, realizing I needed to get away for my own sanity and safety. My parents begged for a key to my apartment, “just in case!” They’d say. They’d call and text me, even though I only lived 15 minutes away and still came over 5-6 nights a week for dinner or to do laundry. They insisted I keep doing laundry at their place because they had such a nice, new, high tech washer/dryer, so I could save money on laundry detergent, so I could get a free meal while doing laundry. Although it was a short drive from their house, they still made sure to drive by my apartment to “check on me.” It must have been quite out of the way, but my father would pass by on his way to/from work. He’d check that my car was there after work—if it wasn’t, they’d want to know who I was “spending so much time with.” He’d also come into my apartment occasionally to check that it was spotless (again with the obsessive cleanliness). He’d check that I “didn’t leave the stove on when I’d left for work,” just check that my locks were safe and I’d locked the door when I left, all sorts of excuses.

It was worse with social media. They checked every post, every like, every share. We have different beliefs (I’m atheist, a feminist, believe in equality; they are aggressively Christian, aggressively bigoted and racist). They’d ask other people to “keep an eye on me” on social media and in real life. People would tattle to them that I was wearing sneakers at the grocery store, where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, etc. I started working on my career job and they’d try to make friends with my boss and coworkers, ask them probing, inappropriate questions about me, who I spent time with, how I behaved at work, etc. They’d joke, “you let us know if she gives you any attitude! You let us know if she isn’t working hard/showing up to work on time! We’ll keep her in line! ;)” always with an amused laugh. I was 21, 24, 26….and this behavior kept up. They’d explain it away as “we are just trying to help you, make sure your boss is happy with your work, some schmoozing could help you get a promotion, we want to be involved in your life!” But I’d long ago began keeping secrets, hiding things.

This is stalking. This is controlling. Hold your parents to the standards you would set for a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner….if they say or do things that would set off warning bells if they were a friend or S.O., you need to start thinking about your safety and re-evaluate your situation/relationship.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

When Your Parents Stalk You

By Eleanor Skelton

Stalking is usually applied to a romantic relationship gone bad.

This is why people hesitate to believe me when I say I’ve been stalked by my parents.

After I moved out, my parents showed up unannounced at work or on campus, asking me to reconsider and go to Bob Jones University. The first time it happened, I was walking down the sidewalk to visit a new church since I had no car.  A car drove up behind me honking, my family rolled down the windows, shouting, “Just remember, Bob Jones is still available!”

They often bring gifts: sandwiches, keychains, homemade soup. They seem to think this proves they are good parents. They say this is how they show me they love me.   The professor who was my supervisor when I tutored on campus saw them do this. He said their behavior was abnormal, intended to wear me down and make me give in.

I’m not the only one. Other homeschool alum have had parents drop off identifying documents at work without asking, another told me her mom found her between classes and gave her a gift card and sent a sheet and towel to her apartment. She hadn’t told her mom her class schedule or her address.

I don’t know what their motivation is.

Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe they think I’ll be brought back into the fold with organic baked goods.

This is how my parents demonstrate that they love me.

My first apartment was unfortunately near the church that shunned me. My parents drove by often to look for my car, texting me “did you sleep at your apartment last night?” I explained my roommate and her boyfriend invited me for a movie night and I slept there. My mom told me it was inappropriate to sleep at a single guy’s place. Never mind that we had a couple of drinks during the movie and I wasn’t safe to drive.

Being honest and open about my decisions only provoked criticism. And they wondered why I stopped telling them things.

In summer 2013, my dad parked outside the nearest stop sign when he knew I would get off work. When I drove by, he jumped out in front of my car so I had to stop. He wanted to change the air filter in my car. He didn’t understand I was startled and angry, that I was afraid I could have hit him.

My parents barged into the middle of a staff meeting for the student newspaper in fall 2013, handing me a parking permit. My dad didn’t wait for me to buy one myself.

I told them I thought their actions were inappropriate in group counseling.

I wrote, “If anyone else who I wasn’t related to followed me around the way you guys do (leaving me random sermon CDs in my bicycle bag when I’m in class, etc), it would be considered really creepy and stalking. Think about it.”

My mom replied, “I do not think it is creepy if we are coming by UCCS from a doctor’s appt., and leave a gift for you in your bicycle sidebag. Sorry you took it that way. We are not checking up on you.”

Last October, my dad showed up at my apartment around 7:30 am, calling me over and over during an exam. He was upset that I didn’t answer right away. He wanted to trade out cars because he was afraid I wouldn’t get maintenance done, even though I’d asked him to let me learn how to take care of my car myself.

And they showed up at my work again last weekend, asked a coworker on his smoke break to bring me a package.

They don’t understand acting like this makes me feel incapacitated.

Fundamentalism doesn’t teach consent, it teaches you to respect authority. Control is normal, so you should be grateful for what they do, even if they don’t respect your wishes.

I don’t feel like an adult when my parents do this. I start to feel like a powerless small child whose parents are always going to check up on her, like all my independence has been taken away from me.

They think this is how to show me that they love me, but I just feel the walls close in.

And I don’t think this is love.

Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/homeschoolersanonymous.org/2015/08/15/when-your-parents-stalk-you/amp/

[butter-and-too-much-bread]

Isn’t it completely fucked up how parents are given a pass on most behaviors that’d otherwise be considered creepy and invasive? It’s almost like you’re considered their property or something.

[overlord-fire-bubble]

Bruh. I made sure even after “forgiving” my abusers, that they didn’t know exactly where I lived. Because you never know when they’re gonna randomly show up at 3 a.m. and try to convince you that they’re not wrong about something. Abusive family is a wild trip to survive.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

^^ THIS

[xprincesspainx]

Is this like a thing now? My parents kinda do this thing where they are always trying to make sure they have everything in my life under their control, in a really silent, passive-aggressive sort of way. I’m 24, and just moved into an apartment by myself. My mom would call me and demand that I text her when I got home so she could make sure I didn’t “die in car crash” on the way home or whatever. I kind of bend to whatever they want me to do, living my life the way they want. I don’t know how or if its possible to break free from it. It’s really odd, I thought, because I’d always imagined being more independent when I was 24, you know, like most people, lol. It’s almost like they view me as incapable, and a failure, destined to make mistakes and be completely incapable of caring for myself. I do have mental disorders, but I’m not stupid. I know how to do things. The reason I’ve “failed” is because of my forgetfulness, and being overwhelmed by people like them wanting to know everything about my life and control it. It’s like getting in a wreck when your passenger was trying to grab the steering wheel out of your hand because you aren’t driving the way they like, then them using that wreck as an example of why you are a horrible driver and can’t be trusted to drive. Best analogy I could think of right now. Lol most of the reason I’m suicidal sometimes is because of this social dynamic with my immediate family that has effected my self-esteem and ability to make friends. I just wish it would stop. It will one day, but I’d prefer them to learn before their passings… I mean, there’s more to this (there always is), but I think that’s a good overview of the situation for now.

Ultimately, why are parents of this generation so controlling? I mean, is it still rare for this to happen, or is this becoming a problem? I mean, do they even realize how sabotaging this is? Or is that part of the plan? Why? 

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

This is definitely a thing but I don’t think it’s a new thing. Some people are terrible at being parents because they never matured and probably shouldn’t have had children. Your analogy is totally brilliant! That is exactly what abusive parents do. They make you fail and then blame the failure on you when really it’s their fault and then use the failure that’s actually their fault as a reason to not allow you to control your own life. But you’re 24. You can control your own life now if you want. If your mom truly does worry about you and that’s not just a manipulation, and she can’t tolerate it emotionally, she should probably seek out some therapy because normal parents are able to let their adult children be adults. It’s not your job to remain her child forever because she has been unwilling to do the emotional work she should have done before she even gave birth to you. She probably won’t be willing to see the reason in this so gaining your autonomy is just a decision you would have to make on your own. If you think about it, she’s not going to live forever. What’s going to happen when she dies? Are you going to die too because she’s not there? No, you’ll figure out how to survive because that’s what people do so you may as well start now. 💙

[amazonprimebox]

My grandparents have stalked both me and my parents, and it is terrifying. The knowledge that they will let themselves into your home without asking and will rearranged your house, the knowledge that you have no control over your home, and that everywhere you go you have to be ready to live up to their expectations is exahusting.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

It's ok to say no.

Even if you're a kid.

Even if it's to your parents.

Parents who think their children can never say no are under the erroneous viewpoint that children are not allowed to have boundaries and that is terrible, dangerous, abusive, failure parenting that leads to adults who cannot keep themselves safe in the adult world.

Good parents teach their kids the consequences of their choices, which is what is necessary to survive and succeed in the adult world. Forcing your kid to simply do everything you say only teaches them to be subservient and if they come in contact with a dangerously dominating personality it could cost them literally their lives.

[reversingpainfulechoes]

It took me so long to accept this.

I lived with the triple whammy of teacher parents with one side of the family having imagrent grandparents, meaning I was raised to think I could not say “no” to any adult. Not just my parents. And eventually... I found it incredibly difficult to say “no” to anyone... which is a very dangerous way to live.

Growing up I was never allowed a no. I was not allowed to argue because that was bad behaviour.

You aren’t allowed to say no to teachers because that’s the rules and saying no to them meant severe punishments.

I wasn’t allowed to say no to my grandparents because it’s being rude to my elders, no matter what it was I was saying no about.

Seeing other people say no to teachers, parents, grandparents used to make me viscerally uncomfortable because bad stuff would always happen to me when I said no.

This eventually extended into everything. I wasn’t allowed to say no to anyone. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my grandparents, not my abusive friends. No one. Didn’t matter what the context was, I was always wrong and I always had to say yes.

And I wanna say, as an adult I still have issues saying no, because the outcome may not be great (I currently live with my family and rely on them a fair bit to live comfortably).

But it’s a long lesson to relearn and I hope to whatever gods exist that any parent reading this will take it and realise something.

I couldn’t say no to the people abusing me because my parents had taught me that I was not allowed to say no. I always assumed that the consequences of saying “no” were worse than saying yes... and most of the time, horribly, I was correct.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.

Not when there’s PTSD involved it doesn’t. For normal human wounds that do not involve the reconditioning of the autonomic nervous system, this is pretty true. For trauma survivors with trauma induced reconditioning of their autonomic nervous systems, this is 100% untrue. I want you all to know this because traumatized abuse survivors with PTSD have to field, from most people, most of the time, frustration that we haven’t just gotten over it. We get nastily accused of not wanting to get better, just seeking attention, lying, manipulating, being lazy, being self centered, not trying hard enough to let it go. Well, it just doesn’t work that way for us. On a literal, biological level we are not the same as you, so don’t hold us to your standards. You are blessed to be able to allow time to heal you even if you don’t do any conscious work. We are not so lucky.

[little-bella-sub-deactivated202]

This.

[suckmahkiss]

Damn. Hell yeah

[inkounter]

Finally someone said it

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Like abuse trauma isn’t bad enough. It has to make you unwittingly traumatize others and then traumatize yourself further bc unlike your mother, it makes your heart bleed to hurt people you love. And this right here is something we contend with every single day.

[itllbeokayiguess]

Hey op you could have just @‘d me

[yehudah]

my mom: comes home and puts the groceries down on the table really hard

me who knows exactly whats coming:

[yehudah]

parent: comes home and slams the door with more force than usual

me:

[jammerraccoon]

my mom: stands on the porch with her arms crossed with that im very angry at you face tm on me already knowing what she is going to yell at me for: 

[realjerma985-archive-deactivate]

my mom: walks with heavy steps through the house.

me:

[palenoface]

my mom : walks loud & fast in the hallway towards my room

me :

[mentallydobious]

Ya’ll, uuuh, I think, maybe, your home life might not have been so super healthy.... ?

[yehudah]

yes thats the point.

[myfoethedeer]

That's exactly the point.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Mother, I Don't Forgive You, Nancy Richards

[stinkgh-deactivated20240712]

I will never forgive my mother. she's gaslit me so much about "forgiveness" that word no longer has meaning to me.

[mspollutedstar-deactivated20190]

Parents be like that’s my emotional support eldest daughter

[tragicallybeautifultiger]

parents be like that’s the third parent in the family, my eldest daughter

[artpigeons]

parents be like that’s my parent, my eldest daughter

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Traumatic memory gets created differently than normal memory.

Please reblog so as many people as possible can see this. People who were not abused don't understand this about traumatic memory and that is often a basis for them not believing you.

There's all sorts of complicated science behind how this works, but I'm not going to get into it right now because I really want to hammer home this very specific point and not get distracted by anything else.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is recorded more similarly to a dream then waking life.

Do not let anyone hold your traumatic memory up to normal memory standards.

Do not let anyone convince you that your traumatic memories are invalid because they are recorded differently than normal memory.

Your traumatic memories are fragmented, out of sequence, and dreamlike. They contain both very vivid parts and totally missing parts. This is all valid. This is how traumatic memory is recorded in the brain.

Having traumatic memories does not mean there's anything wrong with your memory. It's the way the mind and nervous system are programmed to function when in perceived crisis. So, if the majority of your childhood memories are traumatic memories, it's not because something is wrong with your memory, it's because something was very wrong with your childhood.

[duality-deactivated-deactivated]

!!!!!!!!

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Let’s get this straight.

There is definitely a 100% villain in your story. Your abuser. You were just a kid. You are 100% not at fault. The abusive adult is 100% at fault.

I repeat.

The abusive adult is 100% at fault.

The abusive adult is 100% at fault.

The abusive adult is 100% at fault.

The abusive adult is 100% at fault.

And no, the abuse wasn’t them just “not being perfect because nobody is.”

Harming a tiny, vulnerable human who can’t protect itself is evil.

Don’t come to my blog and downplay that. I cannot with that. I will not with that.

[everythinghurtsanditsnotokay]

I wish i had a word replacer for my brain that just replaced all my intrusive thoughts with that sentence.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief.

Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play Gaslight and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations, in which the gas-fueled lights in a character's home are dimmed when he turns the attic lights brighter while he searches the attic at night. He convinces his wife that she is imagining the change. The term has been used in clinical and research literature, as well as in political commentary.

[nothereanymore999-deactivated20]

this is awful.... i need to reblog this for everyone

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Can you imagine what it would be like to have a loving parent or parents? Why or why not?

Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at [email protected]

[mother-soleil-deactivated202102]

Whenever someone who is old enough to be a parent is nice to me and tells me I would be a great daughter and my parents must be so happy with me I just stare at them in disbelief because I can’t process that people who believe that actually exist. So… No.

[ravenpuffluxembourg-deactivated]

I was constantly told growing up that I was lucky to have such loving parents, that they really cared about me and it showed. That if they didn’t love me they wouldn’t spank me and yell at me and manipulate me in the name of Biblical discipline. So can I imagine having those kind of “loving” parents? Absolutely. But can I imagine ACTUALLY loving parents? Hell no.

[reversingpainfulechoes]

Partially. And that’s not a good thing.

My parents aren’t ideal, my dad was someone who I was absolutely scared of as a child and my mother has always been a piece of shit.

But I can see in their behaviour that they have the capacity to be loving parents, they just aren’t.

So my brain ends up in a confusion loop every so often, where I ask myself if they are actually loving or if they are actually causing me trauma.

Or the self hate loop they perpetuate, where it’s “they can be loving and kind and good but aren’t to me, so I must be wrong and broken and terrible and that’s why they don’t love or care about me.”

Both of these occur because both of my parents are fucking teachers. So I have seen them behave lovingly to their students, offering them support and encouragement and going above and beyond for them. But that never seemed to extend to me and my sister.

So yes, I can imagine what loving parents are like, and I hope to be one someday. I don’t know if I’ll ever see my parents in that role though or if I can even properly imagine that.

[scarpology]

i hate knowin that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened

[reversingpainfulechoes]

As much as I try to move on and past this anger it’s still there.

Because a hurt and broken part of me wants to see them suffer like I did. But instead they’re out living their lives and being happy and getting everything they wanted.

Even worse.

They get to forget.

I can’t forget the years of trauma I suffered at the hands of others, my friends, my classmates, my partners.

My ex specifically came back into my life and brought with him all the hell I went through, but I wasn’t allowed to talk about it because he didn’t want to. He was allowed to forget and ignore it.

So I kicked him out of my life.

You don’t get to sit at my table and be a part of my life now if you’re just going to ignore everything you did in the past.

Fuck you.

If you want to forget, you want to ignore it, then get the fuck out of my life. Because you can’t have both.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

My “parents” are controllers, verbal abusers and physical abusers. What kind of toxic are yours?

Source: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

[remoteangel]

Mine are inadequate and controllers…. :( </3 Guess I won’t have them at our wedding.

[silently-dying-screams]

Both my “parents” are inadequate, controllers, physical and verbal abusers. My dad’s all that including a sexual abuser……

[loggednightmares]

my mum is the inadequate, controller and verbal abuser :( 

[byaku-ren-deactivated20150706]

What about the ones who just up and abandon their children?

Where do they fall?

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

She probably left that out because the book is about how to deal with parents that are around, but we can make our own term. The Abandoners.

[timeclonemike]

Controllers and Verbal Abusers.

There was some physical abuse a long time ago, but that stopped once my dad realized that I could defend myself / take him in a fight. The rest of it never stopped.

[reversingpainfulechoes]

Inadequate and controllers. Using both to feed off the worst behaviour of each type.

My problems were never my problems, and instead my mothers issues were the only real problems.

And then que the water works, guilt and manipulation to get me to behave exactly like she wanted.

[finding-a-way-to-run-away]

Parent: yells at and threatens child over a mistake

Child: doesnt want to spend time with them afterwards

Parent:

[tasmanianstripes]

Parent:*yells at and threatens child over a mistake*

Child:*doesn’t want to admit their mistakes and starts keeping secrets from their parent*

Parent:

[this-account-is-a-mistake]

parent: *yells at and threatens child over them self-harming*

child: *doesn’t talk to parents about their issues and feels worse*

parent:

[chibi-blue-scapula]

Parent: *attributes all their child’s achievements to god and all the mistakes to the child*

Child: *actively avoids academic achievement and becomes an atheist*

Parent:

[thou-creature-of-the-deep]

THAT LAST ONE IS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING CHURCH AFTER I STARTED THERAPY.

[bri-lin-biscuit]

Parent: *uses personal info,told to them in confidence as ammo to make child feel bad*

Child: *never tells the parents about how they feel or their personal insecurities*

Parent:

[therapist-anon-deactivated20220]

[wolfsteax]

wow this tea is exceptionally tasty tonight thank you

[laim-o-nade]

Parent: *tells child they’re overreacting every time they speak up about poor mental health*

Child: *never tells parent what’s wrong until they break into a screaming match with parent*

Parent:

[lauraexplorer]

Parent: *immediately dismisses or laughs at child’s ideas about plans, future and clothes choices, without consideration even when asked for ideas.*

Child: *becomes indecisive or never gives ideas because they’ll just be dismissed regardless of how good they are. Answers every question with ‘I don’t mind/ care.*

Parent:

[florencesn]

[reversingpainfulechoes]

Well ain’t this some tasty ass tea 👀🍵

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

Good, healthy parents don't just sit there while other people hurt their child.

Even if that other person is the other parent. Even if the other person is a grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling. Good parenting means protecting your child, no matter what, from absolutely anyone harming them, at any time.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

It's a sad state of affairs that I even have to say this.

[purgingghosts]

yes, i want attention.

yes, I want love.

yes, I want nurturing.

yes, I need your reassurance and validation.

because I was never given that as a child.

yes, I'm depressed and suicidal and I need your attention. I need support.

I need attention like all humans do, I need to feel understood and loved. i need you to see me, see my pain. i need you to care.

i need attention. why am I demonized for that?