rachel noel

I think I'm better than I am and worse than I am. Mostly, I'm just here to laugh.

[reyoncenoels]

when i reminisce, i realize the Best Times of my life were during pretty rocky eras. they were birthed in the darkness without somehow falling into the truly dire crevices of said eras; the Best and the worst transpired while technically in the same space though rarely overlapping.

my brain can't quite make sense of this unexpected partnership. i thought at one time the cause of these Best Times flowered from an unhealthy attraction to chaos, but it couldn't feel more different than that unsettling pit in the gut when you're a moth to a toxic flame. that experience--one i am no stranger to--has always rocked my soul, while these Best Times've soothed it.

all the most beautiful and amazing moments for me are tied to such wildness. i wonder... is it because those are the times i truly felt free? is it the specific people in my circle during those seasons? it's hard to pin down, no matter the depth of analysis, but i think it's a little of both peppered with an impalpable sort of magic and circumstance.

[reyoncenoels]

there is some ocean-deep feeling so inexplicable seeing family, friends, in hundreds of photos knowing they are evermore absent from the earth.

there’s so much that fades, slowly yet surely, no matter how often we remember. no matter how much we fight tooth and nail to hold on to as many pieces as we can.

but then their laughs slam into you out of nowhere. their smell hits you in the middle of the night when you’re right between wake and sleep. sometimes it seems even their touch reaches from beyond the veil, and you remember everything again. their voice… their very presence even. thank god they come back somehow despite the depths our brains will go betray us, betray them, and betray their memory.

[reyoncenoels]

spray your perfume so often and endlessly that your skin shines like crystal.

wake up early and remember you're always the one who did first.

read for hours. for a day. for a full weekend. for as long as you desire.

do nothing—nothing at all—without guilt or apology.

wear whatever the hell you feel like wearing.

explain only when it really matters. apologize when it’s right. let the remains of all the times you didn’t have to ride the breeze.

don't worry about figuring out dinner.

take in every moment of silence, of peace. drink it like fresh mountain water.

plan as much or as little.

binge films and tv while melted into the couch because rest is important and valid art can exist on a screen, too.

say no to shit you hate and yes to forgotten loves.

never lose another night’s sleep because someone else cannot regulate, cope, quit.

no shushed "please be quiet"s in public ever again.

go wherever you want with whomever you want. never sit and wait, wait, wait one wasted moment longer.

validate your beliefs, morals, and reality every day to cancel out the hundreds of hours that came before spent undermining them.

buy a big mirror and retrain yourself to look up and into and around… just never down again.

forgive yourself for all of it. forgive him for everything he didn’t see and do and for the phantoms he created instead.

don’t let them try to turn you toward bitterness. bask in the warmth and joy leaning into kindness has bred.

relearn you.

live again.

[bexx1things]

[reyoncenoels]

remember this. remember the feeling of falling backward expecting arms but hitting floor instead. remember how it all turned. remember: no sympathy, no compassion. remember the panic that bore tears and the loneliness borne of those tears. remember this, gentle one. remember.

[reyoncenoels]

📷 @reyoncenoels // © rachel noel

[reyoncenoels]

overthink of the week: what i should have said to the cop who told me to “use the turn lane MISS” as he stood lackadaisically and absolutely unflinchingly in the middle of the turn lane i needed to use

[adambenhall]

Autumn colours at Wandlebury Country Park, Cambridge.

[reyoncenoels]

Pride and Prejudice (2005) // cool tones

[reyoncenoels]

Pride and Prejudice (2005) // warm tones

[reyoncenoels]

I used to (and sporadically still) struggle with others’ perception of what I like, or rather, the fervor with which I like. But yikes… the thought of hiding my joy and what elicits it–all because of someone else’s unsolicited judgment–repulses me more and more the older I grow. The audacity of shitting on people simply for loving things? How miserably boring.

[heardchef]

carmy + tattoos

[reyoncenoels]

for fuck’s sake

[reyoncenoels]

2015/2016 aesthetic

[reyoncenoels]

I’ve been sick for 2 years. I have been alone for 2 years because of it. Even when people attempt to be there--which doesn’t go unseen or uncredited--I am still alone in the room, as sickness makes people deeply confused, uncomfortable, even scared. Sickness alienates just by existing. 

I have been searching for answers for 2 years. By proxy, I’ve been medically gaslit for 2 years. And in a world where we’ve maybe come to overuse the term, I feel deeply comfortable labeling this experience as such without hesitation. These physicians might as well write “diagnosis: hysteria, treatment: admit to asylum in 1888.” It’s easier for them to think me dramatic or crazy than to take 15, maybe even 30 extra minutes to do, ya know... their job. Seeing “nonspecific” on my chart should encourage research, not prompt a shrug and dismissal as they whisk themselves away into the abyss of the clinic s/p a 5 minute chat. It doesn’t take a medical degree to understand comorbidities; yes, anxiety AND additional health issues can occur simultaneously, doctor! A lazy default on the part of the pros has left my life completely altered with no end in sight. Yeah, the pros are burnt out... but so the fuck am I.

I don’t remember what it is like to exercise or feel anything other than exhausted. I miss the reliability of a body that can keep plans. I don’t know anymore how it feels to sleep a full night without my heart or (lack of) breathing waking me. Things I thought could only change after monumental or catastrophic events have changed forever... my voice, my cognition, my skin. I miss being able to give an update on myself that doesn’t involve the word sick or bad or same. I long for the days where I didn’t miss most moments, most... everything.

It is crazy making. It’s isolating. Somehow, it’s draining despite barely being able to move through the world. And the healing? God, the healing is impossible when you’re on a never-ending quest for an ally in diagnoses and treatment. But for shit’s sake, that ally IS out there, right? Has to, has to, HAS to be...

[thisisalovestry]

being the eldest daughter is just *asks mother what’s wrong* *cannot express emotions* *”don’t worry i’ll do it”* *fiercely independent but only bc you would rather die than inconvenience someone by asking for help* *carries the trauma of your entire family* *asks mother what’s wrong* *the constant feeling of guilt that has no known origin* *third parent. maybe even replacement father if urs is shitty enough* *emotional punching bag for both parents* *not even a slight clue as to what a healthy boundary is* *asks mother what’s wrong*

[reyoncenoels]

I’ve been targeted............

[reyoncenoels]

Uhhhh.... even more accurate for 2020

me on new year's eve: 2016 took my pride and my dignity and my hope and my money. it took and it took from me until i no longer existed. that's murder. let the punishment fit the crime.

[reyoncenoels]

I’ve always been a fan of Valentine’s Day in non-traditional ways, like using it as another excuse to get drunk in February aside from the Superbowl. I don’t mind the whole pink hearts, frilly flowers, love aspect, but let’s face it… a wild party is always better than forcing yourself to do some lemme-show-ya-how-I-love-ya activity with your significant other that you should be doing every day of the year.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Simon Pegg Day. Instead of looking at the 14th of February as a day for St. Valentine, I’m going to honor the day for bringing us the best man on the planet. I’m sure I’m not the first person to think of this, but I am going to implement the shit out of it.

Here you have it: Instead of finding some guy to take me out on a date I won’t enjoy, I’m going to get drunk with a party of people, watch Spaced and SP films, give the bday boy a toast, and make a giant cake for his 41st birthday.

Awwww, yeahhhh!

[reyoncenoels]

Just reminding everyone of my single greatest contribution to society. Happy Simon Pegg Day, everyone! Ignore my younger self’s advice about all the booze, but definitely enjoy a marathon of the catalog today along side your loved ones on this, the day of our savior’s birth 🖊🩸