Being with your boyfriend since the end of high school and through college came with countless challenges- 5 years, 2 apartments, full time jobs, and classes.
He constantly ridiculed you for any mistakes, put you down for being yourself, and made sure you always knew he was right—and you were wrong. Controlling every aspect of your life, he left you feeling like a stranger to yourself.
After graduation and your worst fight yet, you call your best friend, Robin, and move back to Hawkins, IN- determined to rediscover yourself, reconnect with friends and family, and reclaim your freedom.
Not looking for love, but what if it was looking for you?
Series CW: modern au/ angst, smut, and fluff/ toxic relationship behaviors/ starting a new life/ healing/ unexpected romance/ trust issues/ trauma/ low self esteem/ slow burn/ hateful words/ swearing/ yelling/
OC ex boyfriend x (f) reader
Eddie x (f) reader
Each chapter will be based off a different song, artist and title will be listed.
Each chapter will have their own content warnings.
Being Truly Seen (or, Why Crowley Changed After Meeting Jesus*)
*NOT a religious essay, or anything in the religious sense
[On Being Believed In, Defining Your Own Identity, Crowley's Genderfluidity, & Self-Acceptance]
Back in Judea, "Crawly, the serpent of Eden", was once again sent on a big job without knowing the details. Crowley met the carpenter-turned-preacher from Galilee, a guy named Jesus. Crowley reportedly tempted him, spent 40 days in the desert with him. From what little is said about it to Aziraphale, it's clear that Crowley liked the fellow.
I've often wondered what they talked about, once the "temptations" were done. Forty days and nights is an awfully long time to get to know someone.
At that man's crucifixion, Crowley's expression is so full of pain. As if this particular human matters to him. There's more there than merely compassion, or sympathy, or the accumulated disgust of 4,000 years of witnessing cruelty and destruction. Crowley's face shows a vulnerablility, a deep intensity, that gets tucked away when Aziraphale engages her in conversation. It hits me hard on every rewatch. And I've thought a lot about why...
I think that Jesus was Crowley's first human friend. More than that, I think that Jesus was the first Being to see Crowley Truly -- thoroughly and without any fear or reservations. Even beyond Aziraphale, who at that time was just beginning to learn how to reach beyond fears and pre-set expectations.
I think Jesus helped Crowley finally see himself (genderfluidly herself in this time) for who Crowley really is, and truly wanted to be, rather than what everyone else expected.
*And I don't mean this from a religion-based perspective. I'm not speaking of Jesus as "Savior" or talking about "conversion". I'm simply talking about this beautiful thing that happens when one person reaches out to another in a loving way, and looks beyond appearances or stereotypes to see someone for who they genuinely are.
Being believed in, and feeling cared about, in a deep and lasting way. This guy in the desert, this Jesus, gave that gift to Crowley.
Azirphale eventually also gives Crowley that, over time. But in these early days, their friendship is young, and Aziraphale is inconsistent.
Whenever he and Crowley aren't together, the angel is abused and gaslit and manipulated. He's suffering too, and is on a very difficult journey of his own. He can't provide a solid base yet for Crowley. Even though the trust, affection, and comfortable playfulness are already there, his expression of it is still erratic.
In Judea, Crowley didn't know why she'd been sent to make trouble for the young preacher-carpenter. She knew "his travel opportunities were limited", but neither Aziphale nor Crowley were informed on policy of why this man, dying on a cross, was special.
Yet something had happened in their meeting, something that touched Crowley's heart and made her believe that she could define herself, not be defined by others.
4,000 years after being cast out of heaven, "Crawly" became Crowley. And it was very, very Good.
The name change itself was tremendously important -- going from a name that "crawls" to a name that soars. A Crow. A new name that calls to mind independence and intelligence, a being that is social, and represents transformative abilities. Transformation. A bird that also represents a balance between light and shadow. (And is sometimes a trickster!)
The impact Jesus must have had on Crowley reaches even beyond the name, and we see it in Crowley's self-identity and presentation. Not only is Crowley in female form, but for the first time since Eden, Crowley looks beautiful. No more unkempt hair or awkward appearance. Crowley is taking care of herself again.
Most importantly, she is no one's caricature of "a demon"! Crowley is being REAL to who and how she wants to present in the world.
In Mesopotamia and in Uz, Crowley seemed to be role-playing, or immersed in what he thought a demon "should" look like. At the Flood, he was wild-haired and serpentine in his movements, even before Aziraphale told him the horrible news. In the Land of Uz, Crowley's dramatic robes and fuzzy hair created an almost comic character before he asked Sitis to "name" him as our beloved Bildad.
Aziraphale's acceptance anchored Crowley each time, and helped him become more genuinely himself -- but Aziraphale was still afraid, tentative.
Crowley needed someone who fully believed in him. This carpenter from Galilee, that she met in the desert across 40 days, did.
In Job's time, Crowley was already wearing the dark glasses that hid his snakelike eyes. At Jesus' crucifixion, Crowley is watching with golden eyes unshielded. And Heart unshielded.
As long as no one else, even Aziraphale, sees that unshielded heart.
Crowley gives Aziraphale a glib answer about the former name -- it "wasn't doing it" for her. The angel assumes, wrongly, that Crowley chose a grand, more evil-sounding name. It isn't safe for Crowley to be more sincere, Aziraphale isn't a safe person yet. He's getting there -- he likes and accepts the new name -- but he's not there yet.
Crowley is also very casual about her encounter with Jesus, "a very bright young man." That's incredibly little to share about someone who apparently made a major impact on her life. Maybe it felt too meaningful to share, too vulnerable and new and precious.
I wonder how Crowley first presented to Jesus. This itinerant preacher, fasting and praying in the desert, probably looked foolish to Crowley at first. I bet Crowley showed up in full demonic character, with grand gestures and snakey, evil-ish garb. If Crowley did present to Jesus as female, I suspect it was only to provide another temptation, or to challenge what the preacher's gender expectations might be, not because Crowley was authentically being true to herself.
After the encounter with Jesus, Crowley began a journey towards authenticity. From that time onwards, (when he's not in a suit of armor!) his hair is shiny and well cared for, whatever the length, and often elaborately styled. His unique but stylish fashion sense shows taste and poise. He obviously takes pride in his appearance, and his charismatic personality shines through!
It's all external, but still meaningful. Human fashion is entirely role-play, but it can be used to reflect who we see ourselves to be and how we want others to perceive us.
I also believe that the encounter with Jesus in Judea gave Crowley the confidence to embrace their genderfluid identity. In Good Omens, this genderfluidity (canonically confirmed) is unique to Crowley among the other angels and demons. Some present as a specific human gender, some identify with nonbinary pronouns, but only Crowley presents as genderfluid. It's another way in which Crowley is beautifully different and unique.
It would have been lovely to see another female-presenting Crowley scene other than as Nanny Ashtoreth. Nanny Ashtoreth is absolutely magnificent, but there was a specific purpose to Crowley presenting female in that instance. Seeing Crowley presenting female simply because she wanted to would have been a wonderful continuation of that self-affirmation. (Alas, the missing 1960's scene of Crowley (and Aziraphale) clearly female presenting!)
After meeting Jesus, Crowley no longer defines himself as a demon. He IS one, but he is so much more than that.
In Rome, eight years later, Crowley resents that his demonic status is so important to Aziraphale that it's the first thing the angel clumsily tries to make conversation about.
Crowley has changed. This means that the relationship and status quo between them has changed. It's the first time (that we know of) that Aziraphale encounters this. Like most people do when someone familiar has changed, the angel is too aware, too self-conscious, and is awkwardly struggling to adapt.
Somewhere in the 500 years that follow, Aziraphale has managed it much better. He's changed enough that, when Aziraphale misnames Crowley again, Crowley simply corrects the angel and moves on. He lifts the visor of his helm to show his golden eyes, and is comfortable enough to allow a vulnerable moment.
But back in Rome, Crowley just wanted to drink. Whatever jug of alcohol was considered drinkable. And alone.
That's not a Being in good state of mind.
We don't know where Crowley was immediately after the Crucifixion. Biblically (which is part of the GO universe), that preacher-carpenter named Jesus rose from the dead in 3 days. Those out of the loop in heaven and hell would have been rocked by that knowledge...!
Was Crowley in Rome still processing and grieving? Imagine... Cast out of heaven (into burning sulfur) when he had trusted that asking questions would be okay... Thrust into hell, where demons are punished for the smallest deviation from complete obedience... After all this pain and rejection and not being seen or accepted, he finally encounters one Being who finally saw Crowley fully and gave him the courage to find and embrace his own identity. A Being who also trusted God. Crowley, filled with empathy, watched his tortuous execution by human hands. Crowley heard Jesus cry out to God, "Why have you abandoned me?" Only to find out later that Jesus was cruelly murdered AS PART OF THE DIVINE PLAN.
That's a helluva lot to cope with.
It says a lot about Crowley's strength of character that he continued on the trajectory he began in Judea. He insists on his new name. He takes care of himself. He finds ways to keep hell largely satisfied with him while being true to himself.
As Crowley keeps developing a larger and fuller self-concept, he keeps expanding his name. He becomes Anthony Crowley. Eventually he adds the J. Perhaps it really is "just a J", but it makes him feel more like a complete person, not a label or a stereotype.
He sees the torment and anxiety in Aziraphale, and keeps pushing the angel to be true to himself as well. As their bond strengthens, their friendship is a gift that they each give each other. It becomes the anchor they each yearned for and needed.
To be truly seen is an incredible Gift to give someone. It can mean Everything to them. 💛
*****
Inspired from The Intensity of Crowley's Courage, about Crowley's actions to save one innocent family.
Note: Crowley is genderfluid, but in the show mostly presents male with he/him pronouns. I used he/him whenever I wasn't specifically talking about a scene where Crowley presents female, but please let me know if I made any mistakes somewhere -- I'm sorry if I did! Thanks!
As always, I'm grateful you're here reading my ramblings!
