Prompt: C4. "Let go." "I can't." prompts sent by @rika90
Warnings: angst, mentions of death
A/N: Haaahhh drabble turned into a oneshot once again. I'm so sorry for the huge delay! You sent this on 15th of May 😅 And thank you for your compliments, and I hope you like it!
Word count: 2.4k
Just another heist. That's what it should have been. The target had been easy, a wealthy merchant had bought a house, but he was new in town and didn't know about the proper safety mechanisms - making it an easy target for thieves.
The heist had been successful until someone saw you sneaking out, alerting the Stadwatch. The rest of the Crows had succeeded in the original escape plan, but you and Kaz had to use plan C - climb to rooftops and escape that way.
But there was one thing that Kaz hadn't thought - rain had made the roof slippery. And seeing you trip and fall made Kaz think fast, lunging forward and grabbing a hold of your hand. Your terrified expression turned into a relieved one soon, but then another thing crossed as a problem - Stadwatch had seen you climbing and there wasn't a quick way to get you up without Kaz likely falling too.
You heard the shouts of Stadwatch and knew they were near. You also knew that they could potentially shoot Kaz on sight. You glanced down quickly, seeking for any sign of a safe landing spot, but there was none. Your grip on Kaz's hand was already slipping, you were running out of time in any case. Not to mention how Kaz was on the verge of a panic attack, feeling the fingertips of your hand grip his bare wrist. If his strength wouldn't give up, his nearing panic attack would do it for him - or then Stadwatch, which was already getting on the roof, you could hear their shouts and see their torches against the night sky. They would reach you soon.
So you made a decision, smiling softly and reassuringly at Kaz. "Let go."
Kaz looked at you like you were crazy. "No. I can't. I can't... I can't lose you too."
It pained you to see Kaz in so vulnerable state, so fragile. You saw the boy who he really was, under Dirtyhands. Tears welled up in your eyes, your heart fighting with itself. You loved him and didn't want him to suffer any more than he had, but you also loved him too much to let him get caught. It was either both of you or one of you, and you couldn't let him die because he had to hold onto your hand, making himself an easy target for Stadwatch.
"It's okay," you choked out. "It's going to be all right."
"No, Y/N, don't. Please. I... I'll think of something-"
"I love you." you told him before you kicked the wall, forcing Kaz to let go and let yourself fall, to let death take you in his arms, hoping it would be over quickly.
"Y/N!" he screamed after you, but you didn't hear him anymore. Kaz stared after you for a moment in shock, seeing a faint silhouette of your body hitting the ground, before his brains took control, he got up and escaped the scene. His mind laughed and mocked him when he finally got away from the Stadwatch and he was walking towards the Slat, desperately burying his feelings under everything. He had to harden himself again, he couldn't break.
"Kaz! We thought that Stadwatch caught you," Inej's voice pierced his thoughts and he glared at her. Inej looked around, frowning. "Where's Y/N?"
Kaz didn't answer, and Jesper appeared, spinning his revolver. "Right. Where do you think they took them? Hellgate? When will we rescue them?"
Kaz still didn't answer, just staring at the floor. Inej caught up sooner than Jesper did, her eyes starting to glisten.
"No. Kaz."
Kaz finally got himself together, and lifted his gaze from the floor with a deep inhale. His voice wavered slightly, and for Dirtyhands that was equal to sobs. "Their body is near the gun shop. At the corner of ninth road from the harbor. Retrieve them. I will bury them later."
Jesper's eyes widened, finally catching up. His voice wavered a lot more than Kaz's had when he finally got words out, "Kaz, are you sure they-"
But Kaz turned away from them, hurrying upstairs. He felt a panic attack approaching, the kind he wouldn't be able to keep under control. He had to be alone for that, he couldn't break in front of his Crows.
The moment he made it to the office and hastily locked the door, he pulled a dresser down which was resting against the wall with a yell. A pot of flowers you had picked just a few days earlier shattered on the floor, sending glimmering shards everywhere. Kaz collapsed on all fours on the floor, breathing heavily as the memory of you falling to your death started to play in his head - over and over again. He crawled to sit against the wall, holding his ears to silence your voice.
"Let go."
It echoed in his head over and over again. Your last smile.
"I love you."
After a moment of sitting there, Kaz forced himself to stand up, to grab his cane and make his way to the desk. The first thing he saw was the blueprints and plans for the heist that killed you, and the moment he saw them, he wiped everything on the table to the floor. A coffee mug shattered when it hit the floor and Dirtyhands laughed in his head.
This is exactly why you promised to never care about anyone again. It will only slow you down and slap you on your fingers. Wasn't Jordie enough?
Kaz stared at the now empty desk, and then his gaze wandered to your shared bedroom. Your bed, sloppily made as you had slept in, the book you had been reading for the past few days resting on your nightstand with a glass of water.
He heard your voice echoing in his head again, excitedly telling him about the book from last night and how magnificent the plot was, Kaz listening to your rambling. He would do anything to hear it again. But now Kaz felt like he wanted to burn it all. Burn every memory of you, so it wouldn't hurt so much.
Jordie had taught him not to care about anyone because love is needless in the Barrel and brings nothing but harm. But still, he had to be slapped again to be reminded about it.
Kaz turned away from the bedroom, deciding that he’d deal with it later. Instead, he made his way back to the desk, sat down and took another, fresh parchment of paper from the drawer to start planning his next heist into. Work, he told himself. Work hard and you’ll forget about them. Bury your feelings.
He could do it. He had done it with Jordie. He could do it with you too.
You didn’t love Jordie the same way you loved Y/N, a voice whispered into his ear. It’ll be much harder to forget about them. You don’t even have anyone who you can blame about them dying, with Jordie you had Pekka.
It was true. You had slipped on a wet and slightly icy roof while in a hurry, he had only rain and frost to blame. And Stadwatch, but they hadn’t killed you.
A knock on his door snapped him out of his thoughts, and he sighed. Your body was probably downstairs. Kaz forced himself to stand up again, slowly making his way to the door. Inej stood there, looking more breathless than Kaz had ever seen her. A bloody handprint was on her left shoulder and she was holding a scarf. Your scarf. That Kaz had given you. Kaz clenched his jaw, mentally preparing himself as he tried to exit the room, but Inej stepped in front of him again, causing Kaz to glare at her. Inej should know by now that he didn’t need nor want pity.
“Kaz-”
“Get out of my way, Wraith,” Kaz snapped at her, pushing her aside with his cane before he started descending the stairs.
“Y/N’s not dead,” Inej called after him, and Kaz immediately froze. A memory of you falling flashed by again.
“That’s impossible,” he growled after a moment. “I saw them fall. I saw them hitting the ground. They can’t be fine after that.”
Inej took in a sigh. “They are alive, but not in a good shape. Y/N’s heart stopped when we got them back here, but Nina was able to revive them.”
Kaz was silent for a moment. He should have checked. He had been too sure. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm his wildly pounding heart. “Are they awake?”
Inej was silent for a few seconds. “No.”
“When will they wake up?”
Inej was silent again, this time she didn’t answer. Kaz opened his eyes and turned to face her, leaning on his cane and taking in a deep sigh.
“Inej.”
“Kaz-”
“I asked you a question.”
Inej stared at him, her eyes starting glistening again. Then she swallowed and muttered, “Nina isn’t sure if they will. The hit was pretty hard.”
Waters rose again.
“Where are they?” Kaz’s voice had turned visibly strained. He had to see you. Now.
“In their room. Nina’s there with them, making sure they breathe,” Inej replied, and Kaz started to make his way to your room immediately. He barged in, making Nina flinch as she turned around to look at her boss. Kaz made his way beside your bed, staring at you, tucked under many blankets, your breathing so slow that it was barely noticeable. He swallowed, almost seeing your skin rotting and bloated, just like Jordie’s.
“I’m… I did everything I could,” Nina sniffled. “The rest is up to Y/N. Saints-”
“Out.” Kaz growled, and Nina jumped up, hurrying out of the room, knowing she had to give you two space. Kaz knew she’d stay near in case she was needed, but right now Kaz wanted to be alone with you. He leaned on his cane, just staring at your body for a while, before he took a chair and sat on it. He looked at your hands, folded on your stomach, then at your face. You looked like you were only sleeping, and that if Kaz jabbed you gently with his cane, you’d stir awake, like you always did. Give him your beautiful smile and get up from the bed, ready for the new day. But this time, you weren’t just sleeping. You wouldn’t wake up from that jab.
He sat back on the chair, deciding to stay by your side, until the very end if necessary.
And he did. For the next month, he sat by your bed, too stubborn to go to sleep in his own bed, too stubborn to even work. He wanted to be there, to be the one who heard your last take of breath. Nina came by once in two hours at daytime, knowing the trick how to get you drink and eat without you actually being awake, and she also treated your sanitary issues.
But everyone knew it - they couldn’t keep that on forever. But when Nina first proposed letting you go, Kaz immediately blew up. He couldn’t let you go. He was so sure that you’d wake up one day… or had been sure. He didn’t know anymore.
That night, Dirtyhands shed his first tear in years, watching your form. Everyone knew it - you wouldn’t wake up. The hit in your head had been too much, and so Kaz’s greatest love would be ripped away from him. Another reason why Dirtyhands would rise up, how he’d become even more ruthless. Just yesterday, I was able to hold their hand for more than just five seconds for the first time, he thought. He had been practicing with you, and had made so much process. And now, it all had gone to waste. He could only hold your hand while you would be passing and hope that some part of you would feel it.
So he fell to sleep on the chair, holding your hand in his.
---
“Kaz?” a voice pierced Kaz’s dreamless sleep, and he grunted. “Kaz.”
It was your voice. It was really quiet and raspy, but it was your voice. His gaze shot up, seeing you lying on the bed, eyes half open, a tired smile on your face. Kaz blinked a few times, trying to decipher if it was real or just a dream, before he cupped your face with his gloved hand without even thinking it further. You flinched slightly at the contact, not expecting Kaz touching you. To Kaz, you flinching made it real. You frowned at Kaz’s expression, which must have been very strange for Dirtyhands. Your skin burned his own through his glove, but he couldn't let go. Last time he let go, you almost died. You had beaten all the odds, but likely wouldn't be able to do it again.
“Kaz… what happened?” you mumbled after a moment, raising your hand to touch your head and Kaz retreated his hand, grasping your hand instead. He shook his head at your question, indicating he’d tell you later. Right now, he wanted to just sit there and hold your hand, relish the fact that you had survived. Maybe it was because of Nina, maybe it was because of Inej praying to the Saints. Or maybe it was Kaz, him sitting by your bed every single day and ignoring everything else, just begging you to wake up. You were the only one who brought light into his dark life, and without you, he would be plummeted down without hope of getting up.
You had seen him when he was the most vulnerable, and even though he wanted to be mad at you for almost killing yourself, he couldn’t be. He didn’t even know he could be this happy, that he could love someone so much that this moment could feel like his smile could never be wiped off again. You frowned even more, Kaz must have been grinning like an idiot.
“Are you alright?” you asked, and Kaz brought your hand to his lips, just holding it close, not actually kissing it but you felt his warm breath against your knuckles before he lowered it down again.
“I am now.”
---
A/N: Haaahhh if you wanted full angst, pretend that the last part wasn't there. I tried to leave it there at first and I do think it would be better that way but after a few days from writing this, I started to feel really uneasy about it and decided that I can't leave it like that without triggering anything in me so I wrote that ending to calm myself... I know it's cringy and and ruined the oneshot by being there but I absolutely hate writing full angst with Kaz now and will always seek for ways how to make it less angsty, sorry.
A/N: Next chapter! Hope you enjoy it!! Please tell me what you think.
She hadn't meant to really consider Kaz's offer. It would only cause trouble if she joined the Dregs. Kaz was damn smart, and it would only be a matter of time before he put two and two together. Then questions would arise. Questions she was not ready to answer. Not yet. Or maybe never. But it had been a good excuse to leave him and the wraith mostly unharmed.
After three days she had to admit to herself that she should actually consider his offer. Dime Lions lurked outside the waffle shop she worked at all the time. The barrel suddenly seemed to be swarmed with them. Kaz had been right, Pekka Rollins was looking for her. What he would do with her once he found her, Keira couldn’t even imagine. But it most certainly wasn't good.
Maybe it was time to finally give up the black coat and mask once and for all. Wasn't that exactly what she had been trying for years? If she lived with the Dregs, she wouldn't need the jobs to survive. She would have a home, she would no longer be alone, she could escape the darkness of the wakizashi. It was the perfect opportunity to get rid of them. These were things she had never allowed herself to dream of. And now Kaz of all people offered her all these things on a silver platter.
'This will be a new start. I can once again decide for myself who I want to be.'
Just this last job tonight and from then on she would only be Keira.
On the way to the Slat, Kaz' thoughts wandered from meeting Anne, if that even was her real name, to the upcoming robbery. The next evening, he and his crows would steal a valuable necklace from a wealthy merchant. There was a ball - the perfect distraction. The plan was already laid out. Just like the Back Up Plan, and the Back Up Plan for the Back Up Plan.
"Can you still do the job at Drungs?" Kaz asked, already going through possible alternatives in his head.
"Yes. It's just a scratch, her aim was off," Inej replied.
Kaz raised an eyebrow. "How did she even notice you?"
Inej looked to the side and her lips pressed together into a thin line. "No idea. I must have moved when I thought she wasn't looking. I didn't expect her to be so attentive of her surroundings."
"That is probably one of the reasons why she survived alone in the barrel for so long. People underestimate her," Kaz speculated.
When Kaz and Inej entered the Slat, Rotty joined them.
"What's going on, Rotty?" Kaz asked as he climbed the stairs to his room. Inej disappeared in the direction of her room to take care of her wound.
"I heard that Rabe has a job at Drungs' house tonight."
Kaz stopped and looked at Rotty with raised eyebrows. "Rabe? They haven't been active for a long time."
"Just because one hasn't heard about it doesn't mean they weren't active, boss. Seldomly someone is stupid enough to speak about an assignment."
"That's true, but they are not exactly subtle. In Ketterdam a slit corpse is just as clear as if they left a business card there" Kaz said and continued on to his office. "Has anyone else found out about their task besides you?"
"I can't say for sure."
Kaz thought about it. Rabe wouldn't be there for the necklace but to take someone down. Once the body was found, there would be a big commotion and the house would be swarming with the statdwatch in no time.
"Damn it," Kaz muttered. "We have to strike earlier than planned to be through with the robbery before Rabe does their job. Tell Jesper and Inej to come to my office."
"Right away, boss," Rotty replied and hurried down the stairs.
'Damn Rabe,' Kaz thought. 'Today of all days you have to celebrate your comeback.'
Kaz was annoyed that he had to adjust his plans at such short notice, but he was also eager to see if he would meet Rabe again tonight.
Last time she had saved his life – and that already for a second time.
Kaz ran over the roof of the bank. How had this plan gone so catastrophically wrong? Who had betrayed their plan and set the whole damn statdwatch on them?! Kaz came to a gasping halt at the edge of the roof. Dead-end. Crap! What should he do now? He looked around and saw two men of the guard approaching. Any second, they would be close enough to shoot him. So, he made up his mind - and jumped.
The impact was painful. Kaz groaned when there was a crack, and he felt a searing pain in his right leg. He rolled over to be as close to the wall and out of the line of fire as possible.
Kaz knew that the jump had only given him a head start of a few minutes. Maybe less. At any moment, this side of the bank would be searched by guards as well. He tried to pull himself up, but as he put weight on the injured leg, he felt sick with pain. Black dots danced in front of his eyes. He had to close them briefly and slumped back to the floor. He was sitting against the wall, breathing hard, when he heard the guards calling over him.
"Hey, over here, here-," but the man suddenly fell silent. Kaz flinched as the two guards hit the ground. Both with their throats slit.
Kaz breathed a sigh of relief. One of the other dregs must have got there in time. But who? They had all fled in different directions to force the guards to split up. He saw a rope fall from the roof and a figure completely clad in black let themself down on it. What the hell? He would recognize this figure everywhere. It was Rabe.
When she got down, she first looked around carefully to make sure they were alone and then quickly walked towards him. As she got closer, he could see black patterns on her hands that went up to her arms and disappeared under her coat. 'Tattoos?' Kaz wondered.
"We have to get out of here as soon as possible. Can you walk?" she asked. Just like back then at the dock, her voice was only a low whisper. 'She whispers so I can't recognize her voice,' Kaz thought.
"Yes, everything is splendid. I just enjoy the peace and quiet here. Shit no, my leg is broken, and I can't put any weight on it without throwing up," Kaz replied irritated. Why did Rabe have to find him in such an embarrassing situation. He owed her enough already.
"Wow, very graphic. Well, then I'll support you until we're far enough away and maybe splint your leg," she replied calmly. She knew Kaz must be in pain and probably a little ... tense from the escape.
Kaz' pale face took on a slightly greenish tone, as if he were about to throw up. He leaned away from her as much as possible. His whole posture showed his dislike for her idea.
"Listen, if you don't want my help, just say so," she hissed and was about to turn around.
"No, wait!" Kaz yelled and held out his hand in her direction. She was his only chance to get out of here. He had to explain it somehow.
"It's not because I don't want your help. I'm not thrilled to owe you any more than I already do, but that doesn't matter right now. It's ... I can't ..." Kaz let out an angry breath. He hated it when he didn't know what to say. "I can't lean on you without me circling back to the whole throwing up thing again. But it has nothing to do with you. It's a… problem of mine,"
Kaz managed to get out through clenched teeth. Kaz hated nothing more than having to admit his weakness, but he knew she wouldn't let him get away without an explanation.
Rabe looked at him carefully, then her eyes flickered to his gloves and Kaz knew that she at least had a clue what his problem was.
"Hm, okay," she said finally, turning her back on him. For a moment, Kaz felt panic rising. She would leave him here. Well, what could she really do if he refused to be touched? He would understand if she wouldn't trouble herself anymore with an annoyance like him.
"Okay, I have a plan," she turned back to Kaz. "You won't like it," she said, and he could literally hear the grin in her whisper. "We- what's wrong? I haven't said anything yet," Rabe asked when she saw Kaz's incredulous look before he could wipe it off his face.
"Why are you helping me?" Kaz had to ask her. It just didn't make sense to him why she was helping him - again.
"Can we discuss this after we get out of here? It's a miracle nobody has found us yet,” she urged while taking off her long coat. Another coat, shorter and thinner, emerged from below. Even autumn in Ketterdam could be damn cold. The coat also covered her two wakizashi well. She spread the coat on the floor in front of Kaz.
"Hop on," she said and could not help but laugh.
Now Kaz was giving her an openly disbelieving look. "What?!"
"You sit on it and I'll drag you. It'll probably give your leg a good shake, but I can't think of anything better," Rabe explained. "So?"
Kaz looked from the coat to Rabe and back again. What else could he do? So, he heaved himself onto the coat with as much dignity as he had left.
Rabe grabbed the hem of the coat and began to pull Kaz through the streets of Ketterdam. She had to stoop and walk backwards, which prevented her from moving very quickly.
'The most important thing is that we get away from here,' Keira thought. There was a low moan from Kaz. The rough roads made this type of travel uncomfortable for him and his broken leg.
"Do you have a meeting place where I can drop you off? Maybe one of the other dregs can get a healer. I'm not sure if we can make it to the Slat unobserved," Kaz heard Rabe whispering behind him. He was sitting with his back to her. They were close, but Rabe seemed careful not to touch him.
"The meeting point is the small fountain in the south park," Kaz' voice was pressed.
"All right, that's not that far," Rabe tried to see something good from the situation, because her back was slowly hurting from the unfamiliar posture. And Kaz had gained muscles since her last rescue operation, which did not make things any easier. 'But it makes him even more attractive,' Keira thought to herself.
Kaz snorted. "You can also leave me at the entrance of the park, one of the others will find me."
"No, the meeting point is the meeting point. I can drag your lazy ass there. In addition, the entrance is too close to one of the main streets."
"Which brings me to my earlier question. Why are you helping me? Again,” Kaz asked.
He could hear Rabe sighing behind him. But Kaz did not give in.
"You haven't collected my debt in the past two years, so I'm assuming you aren't doing this, so I owe you something. But that would be the only logical explanation. Favours and blackmail material are worth more in the barrel than Kruge."
"And it couldn't be because I'm just an innocent and kind-hearted person. Or your guardian angel?" Rabe deadpanned.
That made Kaz laugh. "I've never heard of a kind-hearted assassin. And nobody in the barrel is innocent."
"No, probably not. Why is it so important to you? I promise I won't expect any favours in return. So, don't worry." Slowly, Rabe's throat ached from the constant whispering. But she did not want to risk him recognizing her voice that at a later point.
"I hate unsolved puzzles," the words broke out of him, "And you've been one I can't solve for two years now. Everyone in the barrel knows you. Is afraid of you and your swords. You wiped out a whole gang. Kill without anyone seeing you, seem to move unnoticed in the barrel – by the way, how do you do that? – and nobody knows who you really are." At this point in his tirade, Kaz was a little out of breath. "They all portray you as a monster, a raven with razor-sharp wings. And here you are, dragging me through Ketterdam so I don't get imprisoned. It doesn’t make sense!"
"Saints Kaz, it's not all black and white!"
Kaz caught his breath, this was the first time Rabe had called him by his name. And even though she pronounced it with frustration, Kaz felt a flutter in his chest. 'What the hell?' Kaz thought.
"Yes, I'm a murderer, there is darkness in me and there is so much blood on my hands that it would last ten live times, but ..." Rabe let out a deep breath, "But, sometimes, very rarely, you meet people and just know that they are worth saving. And when you stared at me with your defiant look from the harbour basin, I knew that you are such a person to me. Okay? Maybe I just want to prove to myself that there is more than just darkness inside of me. I cannot really explain it myself. I just know that I prefer you alive rather than dead."
Kaz had turned and was staring at her, speechless. He could not see her face behind the mask, but it sounded like she had meant every word.
Rabe held his gaze for a moment and then looked away. She had said too much, he would surely think she was crazy. A heavy silence fell between them.
"I never thanked you ... so ... thank you for saving me," Kaz mumbled.
"Dirtyhands saying thank you? Now I've seen it all," Rabe laughed softly, glad that the tension was broken. "And the reason I am not seen is because I am fast."
"Huh?" Kaz asked eloquently.
"You asked how I manage to move in the barrel unnoticed. I get noticed every now and then, of course. But before anyone can catch me, I'll be gone. I can run really fast."
Kaz wasn't sure if Rabe was kidding or if she was serious. There was no time to reply, because they had made it to the South Park and Rabe stopped at the bend that led to the fountain and peeked around the corner.
"There are already two guys. One has a mohawk. Do they belong to you?"
"Yes, they are Dregs. I'll call out to them when you're gone," Kaz said as he pushed himself off Rabe's coat.
"All right, then I'll get out of here," Rabe whispered.
"Hopefully, it won't be another two years before we meet again." The words were out of Kaz's mouth before he could really make up his mind to voice them. He could see her mouth twisting into a big smile under the black tube scarf.
“Oh Kaz, we've met way more times than you think. It is really a full-time job to be your guardian angel.” With these words she turned around and disappeared into the night.
That night he had spent a long time wondering when Rabe could have helped him. As a new addition to a gang, you often got into trouble and there were many robberies and ventures where things got dangerous. Had Rabe had a hand in some of them and prevented the worst?
No matter how hard he had tried, he hadn't seen her. Still, he was sure it had been her who had saved Jesper, Inej and him with several well-aimed shots that had seemed to come out of nowhere when they had been cornered by Black Tips.
All escape plans had failed and so, only plan F remained. And he could admit to himself that his plan F was always the same: Hope the Guardian Angel is around right now.
Kaz came out of his thoughts, ran his hands over his face and sighed. Every time he thought of Rabe or one of their encounters, he got restless. He felt the urge to do something. To find her. 'But what then?' he asked himself. Even if he found out who was hiding under the mask, even if he saw Rabe again tonight, what would it change?
'Everything,' whispered a voice in his head, 'You could make her one of the crows, she could be near you.' That was what Kaz secretly wanted. Rabe had been a constant in his life for so long that he hoped to have her with him. As a confidante because that was what she was for him. Someone Kaz trusted. Even if he did not know what the girl looked like under the mask, he knew that she was the person who had stood by him all this time, who took care of him. Rabe had seen him in his weakest moment and still decided he was worth rescuing. She had learned of his fear of being touched and not only had she found a way to help him without touching him, but apparently also had not told anyone about it. And while he knew that hope and trust in the barrel were the biggest weaknesses of all, he just couldn't help it, when Rabe was involved.
The heist was a breeze. Just two guards patrolled the hallway outside the bedroom where the necklace was. The crows were out sooner than expected. Kaz made a decision and sent Jesper and Inej back to the Slat alone with the booty. He positioned himself across from the house, in the shade of the trees, and waited. He did not have to wait long.
"I assume the theft was successful. I heard the necklace is beautiful," Kaz heard a whisper in the shadows to his left. He bowed his head to hide his smile. It had been too long since they had spoken to each other. He would even go so far as to admit that he had missed her.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kaz replied and heard Rabe laugh softly next to him.
"Of course not, but if I were you, I would keep an eye on that mountain of a bouncer. He talks too much."
Kaz sucked in a sharp breath. He had suspected for some time that Big Bolliger wasn't only loyal to the Dregs. And Rabe's words confirmed that suspicion. He had no doubt that she heard a lot of whispering in the streets.
"I will," Kaz replied with steel in his voice, "Did your job go as planned?"
Keira flexed her hands, where Kaz could still see the strange black patterns.
"Yeah."
"How come nobody heard from you lately?" Kaz asked.
Keira looked at her hands. How was she supposed to explain to Kaz that she was slowly but surely feeling the wakizashi robbing her of the last light part of her soul? The part that clung to Kaz with all its might so as not to be swallowed up in the cold and darkness. To not feel the indifference to everything and everyone. To wield her swords was like breathing; it was necessary, inevitable. But if the only option, to keep her remaining compassion and be there for Kaz, was to lay down her swords for good, well, then she would live with bated breath for the rest of her life.
"Rabe was never meant to live that long," Keira replied after a while, "She wanted revenge and she got it. After that ... after that it was too late to just go back to a normal life. My swords, they ... they are not good for me. They make me stronger in battle, but weaker in spirit, they evoke the worst in me, drive away all good thoughts and feelings until I can only think of killing. For a long time, I didn't care, there was nothing but death in my life anyway. But then I fished a boy out of the harbour and realized I didn't want to live in the dark forever. From then on, I tried to use the swords as rarely as possible and let go of Rabe more and more."
When she looked up, she met Kaz' gaze. He looked at her steadfastly, in his blue eyes she could see the innumerable questions that her words had brought with them. Kaz could hardly believe what he had just heard. Was she a Grisha who had the powers to connect herself to swords in some way? Or were the swords themselves made by Grishas? What would such weapons bring in? But much more important – way was she telling him all that. And why now? Had she only come to him to say goodbye? He had to know.
"Is this goodbye?" he asked softly. He didn't trust his voice.
"Yes, it's time for Rabe to leave," she tipped her head back and looked up at the sky, "I'll start over, and I owe this chance to you." She looked back at Kaz. "Thank you, Kaz. In the end it was you who saved me."
Kaz nodded and looked at the floor. He didn't want her to read anything on his face. He was angry, angry that he was going to lose Rabe. Angry that she seemed to have no problem leaving him behind. He felt numb and cold. That's what you get if you let yourself be fooled by this cruel thing called hope. He should try to talk her out of it, force her to stay with him.
But as selfish as Kaz was, he could not bring himself to do it. She wanted a better life without hearing the constant call of her diabolical swords. Without all that killing. Who was he to deny her this? She deserved it, she deserved everything she wanted. She owed him nothing, but he owed her everything.
When Kaz looked up again, a smile played on his lips. "Has the work as a guardian angel become too strenuous for you?"
"Oh please, you hardly ever get into trouble. Everyone is too scared of Dirtyhands. And besides, your two friends are more than competent enough to save your ass if it is necessary," Rabe replied with a low laugh. There was a long silence between them until Rabe took a deep breath in and out.
"Alright, time to go. Goodbye, Kaz. Take care of yourself" with that, she turned away.
"Rabe," Kaz called after her. She turned back to him. He walked up to her, took off his glove, and held out his hand to her. "Farewell," he said.
Rabe hesitated when she looked from Kaz's hand to his eyes, searching them to see if he really wanted her to touch him. She reached out her hand and took his. Kaz could feel the water rising but it stayed at his knees. He just had to feel her touch once before they might never see each other again. "I hope that you will find a place where you can be happy, where you belong." Kaz said.
"I think I already have. And from now on, it's Keira for you," she said with a melodic voice loud and clear, then turned around and disappeared into the night.
Kaz paused for a while, taken aback by finally hearing her voice. He thought about her parting present for him. Her name.
"Keira," Kaz whispered. He wasn't sure why, but the sound filled him with a deep satisfaction. Perhaps it was the fact that a long unsolved mystery has finally found its answer. Or maybe it was the hope, again that damn hope, of a reunion that this gift had sparked in him.
Well, it was decided. In the morning she packed the few things she owned and left her small, shabby apartment. She threw her coat and mask in the garbage can in the yard, poured a good swig of hard liquor over it, and lit a match. The raven mask stared up at her, but Keira didn't hesitate as she dropped the match into the barrel and her past went up in flames. The
wakizashi rested heavily in her bag. She couldn't bring herself to destroy the swords. She would give them to Kaz so he could sell them. If it were up to her, no one would ever hear from Rabe again. She smiled. But the barrel should watch out for Keira Hale, the new member of the Dregs. She turned away and made her way to the Slat.
Jesper was sitting with Inej on one of the old sofas in the Slat’s common room. They wondered whether they should go to one of the waffle shops for breakfast or whether they were too lazy to walk the three blocks. Before they could decide, the front door opened. Jesper heard Inej inhale beside him and looked up.
At the door stood a young woman, barely older than him, with long hair and a pretty face. She had a bag over her shoulder and looked around searchingly. When she saw Inej and Jesper, her mouth twisted into a smile.
"Inej, right?" she asked as she walked towards the two of them.
"That's right," Inej sounded hesitant.
"Inej, why didn't you tell me that you have such a lovely acquaintance? How rude of me, miss, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Jesper, at your service," Jesper said and finished his speech with a sweeping bow.
"Nice to meet you Jesper,” the woman said and laughed when she noticed Inej rolling her eyes, already used to Jesper's antics. "Inej's and my first meeting was a bit bumpy. I can well understand that she did not remember me as a 'lovely acquaintance'."
To Inej she said: "I'm sorry that I shot at you. I hope I get a chance to make it up to you."
Jesper looked back and forth between the two women. So, this was the woman Kaz wanted to join the Dregs. He knew Inej had not been badly injured, but Jesper didn't like it at all when someone shot his friends.
To his amazement, Inej laughed and held out her hand to the woman. "I'm not holding it against you. It was a good reminder for me that I am not actually invisible and that I shouldn't underestimate others. To a new start."
The young woman took Inej’s hand and shook it. "Thank you, Inej," she said and Jesper saw how relieved she was about Inej's words.
"Okay, now that that's settled, I'll let Kaz know that you're here."
Jesper saw the young woman suddenly become nervous. "Don't worry, he doesn't bite, well, only very rarely," Jesper said, winked at her and disappeared up the stairs.
He knocked and didn't even wait for an answer before he walked straight into Kaz' office. Kaz looked up from his work at the desk and gave Jesper a slightly irritated look. "What do you want?"
"You have a visitor, boss."
"Whoever it is, tell them I'm busy," Kaz dismissed him and went back to his papers.
'Wow, isn't he extra grumpy today,' Jesper thought and noticed the dark circles under Kaz' eyes.
"You'd better tell her yourself, not that she shoots me too," Jesper muttered.
"Jesper, what the hell are you talking about?" Kaz barked.
"Well, I’m talking about the woman you want to recruit for the Dregs. She's downstairs."
"What?! Why didn’t you say that right away?" Kaz grumbled as he got up and walked towards the door, leaning on his cane.
"I did!" shouted Jesper and followed Kaz back down the stairs. Inej and the woman were still standing where Jesper had left them, talking. When they heard the rhythmic tapping of Kaz' cane, they both looked up and Jesper could see the young woman taking a deep breath, straightening her shoulders and turning to face them.
"Miss Reed, I almost didn't expect you anymore. Are you here to accept my offer?" Kaz asked as he stopped a few steps away from her. Jesper joined Inej and watched the spectacle in front of him.
"Yes I am. I still had to get rid of a few ... an old burden before I could get involved with this. This also includes the wrong name that I have adopted. I'll join the Dregs with my birth name."
Jesper saw that she had turned pale around the nose. 'Why was she so tense?'
Kaz nodded. "Which would be?"
The young woman took a deep breath.
"Keira Hale."
Then Jesper witnessed something he had never seen before. Kaz' features slipped. He stared at the woman as if he had seen a ghost. His mouth closed and opened, but no sound came out. ‘He looks like a fish on land,’ Jesper remarked absently.
The woman, Keira, looked nervously but steadfastly at Kaz as she said: "I hope that doesn't change anything about your offer."
Jesper looked at Inej and saw that she was just as confused. He had the bad feeling that he hadn't noticed something here. Kaz had found his voice again, but apparently still couldn't get his face under control. Because he was smiling. Kaz Brekker smiled when he answered Keira. "No, the offer still stands."
Relief was written on Keira's face. Kaz walked up to her, and for a moment Jesper could have sworn that Kaz wanted to hug her. But that would be totally absurd, right? Right?! But, like Inej before him, Kaz held out his hand to her.
"Welcome to the Dregs, Keira. I am glad that you are here."
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A/N: Hey, I'm back! Thank you so much for reading and liking chapter 1! Every like made my day. So here is the second part. Please tell me what you think.
When Kaz came to, he was completely disoriented. The last thing he could remember was a black figure that –. Kaz jumped up and looked around. No one to be seen. He collapsed back on the bed, his head was swimming. Everything came rushing back to him. The plague, Hertzoon, the scam and…Jordie. Kaz' whole body shook and he made a mad dash for the bathroom to retch. Afterwards he sank to the floor and took deep, calming breaths.
When he came back into the room, he noticed a small table next to the bed. There Kaz discovered dry clothes – was the sweater orange?! – as well as some food and water. He stared at the things; thoughts were racing in his head. There was no way the girl in the black coat had dragged him out of the harbour and brought him here. Why should she do such a thing? And then get him something to eat and drink? Nobody in the barrel does anything out of sheer friendliness, Kaz had learned that by now.
'Maybe she took me to her boss,' Kaz thought. The growl of his stomach tore him from his thoughts. No matter how and why he had ended up there, he would take the opportunity to strengthen himself and put on some dry clothes. After that he would tail out from here.
It was early afternoon when Kaz opened the door and peeked around the corner. He could hear muffled voices and the occasional shouting, but not a single person. He stepped out and slowly walked down the long hallway until he came to the stairwell. If he hadn’t known better, he would have guessed he was in one of the boarding houses in the barrel. His suspicion was confirmed when he got downstairs and saw a small reception desk.
The man behind the counter was reading a newspaper and didn't notice Kaz.
Kaz considered his options. He could go unnoticed or speak to the man and maybe find out something about the strange girl. Kaz sincerely hoped no one had seen the two of them enter the building yesterday.
"Excuse me, can you tell me who rented room 404?" Kaz asked.
The man lowered the newspaper. "Why should I tell you this, boy?"
"Well, I helped this girl home last night after a party but forgot to ask for her name. She's not in her room and I really need to see her again," Kaz groaned inwardly. He definitely still had to practice lying.
The man smiled lustfully and showed his rotten teeth. "Pretty thing, huh? It's a shame I wasn't on night duty yesterday."
Kaz shuddered.
The man looked at a list and said: "Mia Frey, it says here. The room was paid for two more days this morning. Hey, if you're lucky, she'll come back later."
"Okay, thanks," Kaz said and turned away. She wouldn't come back. She had left the key in the room when she left. Had she paid the two days for him? And was Mia Frey her real name anyway? Someone who walks around masked at night would hardly give their real name, would they?
Kaz still spent the day asking around if anyone knew Mia Frey. But, surprise, nobody knew her. But when he asked for a person with a raven mask, a barman advised him not to look for the Rabe.
"If you see him uninvited, you're as good as dead."
"Him?" Kaz asked.
"Well, no woman could ever slaughter an entire gang, “laughed the barman, then suddenly fell silent and looked around. "I shouldn't be talking about him at all. You never know who's listening," he muttered and went back to washing the glasses.
Kaz returned to the boarding house room that evening and found food and a note. She had been here! But how had she gotten into the room? He had kept the key with him the whole time. 'Apparently she is a contract killer, she’s probably able to pick a lock,' Kaz thought. He unfolded the note. 100 Kruge fell out. He picked it up and read the note on the slip of paper.
Stop looking for me. Don't make me regret saving your life. I can easily take it from you again. And buy yourself something decent to wear - you look terrible in orange.
- R
Kaz grinned, she had been watching him. Probably to silence him if he said too much. But he wasn't going to do that anyway. He wouldn't tell anyone about his encounter with Rabe. And he was pretty sure he wouldn't find her unless she wanted to. Still, he was sure that he would see her again. Perhaps one day she would come to collect his life debt, or she would
come to kill him at someone else's behest. Because what Kaz planned to do with his future would make him many enemies. The now well-known anger ran through Kaz. Pekka Rollins would pay. He would destroy him.
Over the years to come, (Y/N) watched from a distance as Kaz struggled and took on any job that made him money. Really anyone, no matter how dirty it was. He joined the Dregs, a small, insignificant gang, and quickly rose in ranks through his intelligence and ruthlessness. He gave the Dregs a standing and money. And build a reputation for himself.
Dirtyhands was quickly known as someone not to mess with. There wasn't much left to be seen of the frail boy (Y/N) had fished out of the harbour. Kaz Brekker had become a handsome man who could instil fear just by his demeanour.
The sun was just rising, and (Y/N) was sitting on 5th Harbour after a long night in the Ketterdam nightlife. It was already busy, and (Y/N) was amazed once again what Kaz had made of this neglected pier.
"Speaking of the devil," (Y/N) muttered when she saw none other than Kaz himself standing further down the docks talking to one of the captains. As always when she caught a glimpse of him, her breath caught. He was a real feast for the eyes. He always wore tailored suits, a hat, cane, and gloves. Gloves so he didn't have to touch anyone directly.
"Maybe you kept an eye on him a little more closely than planned," whispered a soft voice in (Y/N)'s head. She turned and headed home to get some sleep before her late night shift at the waffle shop.
She had long since noticed the thugs who followed her. She walked briskly to lure them into a secluded back alley, where she could kill the guys without causing a stir. (Y/N) sighed. 'Couldn't one just enjoy their end of work in peace?' She had been on her way back from her late shift at the waffle shop when she realized she was being followed. That was the reason why she usually volunteered for the late shift. The other girls would be easy prey for the
smugglers and the rabble that hung around the barrel at night.
When (Y/N) turned into the dead end, she ran to the end and then turned to the five men in mock desperation. Her big brown eyes looked around with uncertainty and she certainly gave a very believable picture of the frightened girl the men expected.
"Well, Missy, what are you doing out here alone so late? Don't you know it's dangerous?" one of the men sneered. The others laughed.
'Just laugh. As long as you still can,' (Y/N) thought. With a fake tremble in her voice, she called out to the strangers: "What do you want from me?"
The men had to come a little further into the alley so she could be sure that no one escaped
and could talk about her. No loose ends. She wanted to keep her harmless and lowkey appearance.
"Oh, we'll take you to our boss and he'll sell you to one of the brothels. You can't withhold such a pretty ass from the world," (Y/N) inwardly rolled her eyes. The guys wouldn't be a great loss to humanity.
The apparent leader stretched out his hand to her, he was sure of his cause, and it never occurred to him that she might be able to defend herself. He made it almost a little too easy for her. A cold smile crept onto her face and in the last second before his death the man realized his fatal mistake. Like so many before him, he had underestimated her.
(Y/N) rammed her dagger right into his heart. Pulled it out again in a flash and threw it directly into the throat of the next guy. The first slumped lifelessly to the floor, the second grabbed his neck while blood ran from his mouth. (Y/N) used the moment of surprise and rammed the elbow into the face of the man closest to her so hard he went down groaning and passed out. The other two woke from their trance and came running towards her. A gun would be too loud and would only draw unnecessary attention. 'So old school,' (Y/N) thought. She dodged the men, ducked under them, and used her speed to get behind them. She kicked the bigger of the two in the back of the knee so he buckled down and then slit his
throat from behind. In the meantime, the last guy standing had realized the gravity of the situation and pulled a pistol.
"Game over, doll, our boss will –."
A shot echoed through the alley and the last man fell to the ground. (Y/N) put her revolver back in her pocket.
"Saints, how did you survive in the barrel for so long? First rule: don't hesitate. Men. Always loving to hear themselves talk," (Y/N) muttered as she stepped over the motionless body. She went to the man she had only knocked unconscious to end him too. No loose ends. As she passed, she pulled her dagger out of the neck of the guy who was staring up at her with wide, empty eyes and saw the mark of the Dime Lions on the lower neck.
'Shit,' (Y/N) thought.
That is when she noticed something was wrong. She could feel a tingling sensation on her neck. A clear sign she was being watched.
But where was her persecutor hiding?
She also took care of the last man, wiped her daggers clean on his shirt and let her gaze wander unobtrusively through the alley and over the roofs when she got up. Bingo. Something had moved on the roof. Hardly noticeable. (Y/N) put her daggers away and strolled towards the main road, then turned around in a flash and fired at the figure on the roof.
She had no hope of having fired a fatal shot – the target was too difficult to see for that. She heard a cry of pain that confirmed she at least hit them and simultaneously gave away their exact position. She had to hurry, even in the barrel shots did not go unnoticed for long. (Y/N) reloaded, finger on the trigger as a yell cut her off.
"Stop!"
(Y/N) whirled around; the hand that held the revolver still pointed at the figure on the roof. But in her other hand she was now holding one of her very long daggers and aimed it at the man who was standing a few meters away at the entry of the alley.
'Wow, twice in a day,' was (Y/N)'s only thought.
"I’d prefer you not killing my wraith. I am sure we can find a solution that everyone can live with."
There he stood, leaning on his cane, in his tailored suit, staring steadily at (Y/N).
Kaz fucking Brekker.
The only person (Y/N) would ever hesitate for, hoping he would never become one of her loose ends.
Kaz was a businessman, he seized opportunities when they presented themselves to him. This opportunity was too good to miss. Kaz had seen her before. Moreover, it would have been really hard not to notice her. She was tall, with long dark hair curling over her shoulders and brown eyes that seemed to see right into a person's core. She had a pretty face and curves that would surely have made Aunt Helen good money. But Kaz was sure that no brothel had yet counted her among its attractions. She walked through the barrel far too carefree for that.
It was strangely fascinating. She tried not to blend in with the crowd as to not attract attention. She walked the streets with seemingly innate self-confidence that gave her an aura of inviolability. She was someone to be noticed. That’s why Kaz had noticed the girl, when two drunk and howling men had followed her down a side alley. He had been tempted to follow them and help the girl, but if she walked through this part of Ketterdam alone at night, she was probably a lost cause anyway.
The next day the bodies of the two pigeons had been found dead and the girl had walked the streets without a scratch on herself. On the same day, Kaz had told Inej to gather information on her. Anne Reed worked as a waitress in one of the waffle shops from time to time, went out to party and occasionally visited her grandparents in the countryside. Except for the fact that she could keep pushy guys at bay with a good chin hook, she seemed like a perfectly normal girl.
And this very girl has just been followed by five Dime Lions. Kaz wanted to see what would happen. Inej was supposed to keep an eye on what was happening from the rooftop while he looked around the corner of the alley with a mirror. In his wildest dreams he couldn’t have expected what he would see then. She was amazing. She lured the men into the trap and then struck mercilessly. Within minutes all five Dime Lions were dead, and the girl was walking away as if nothing had happened. Kaz turned away to quickly disappear into one of the empty house entrances.
When he heard the shot followed by Inej's cry of pain, his heart almost stopped. How did she discover Inej? It was impossible. He ran back to the alley, knowing that the girl could kill Inej.
"Stop!" Kaz shouted and a second later found himself at the point of a sword – or abnormally long dagger? – again. He hadn't planned any further. The girl hesitated, although she had just said that one should never hesitate and looked at him with a mixture of surprise and anger. Kaz used her hesitation.
"I’d prefer you not killing my wraith. I am sure we can find a solution that everyone can live with," he emphasizes the word live.
"Then tell your wraith if she even thinks of throwing one of her knives, you're dead, Brekker. She should come down from the roof."
"Inej, dear, if you can walk, please come down to us," turning to the girl he continued: "You know me, that saves us the introductions. I'm here to make you an offer."
Kaz actually wanted to come up with a plan first and then try to recruit her for the Dregs. It is always better to negotiate when you have leverage. But he didn't have the time and luxury now. He had to use the only advantage he had. The fact that she hadn't killed him right away. Something made her hesitate. Whether it was his reputation or something else didn't matter. He would think about that later.
"Everyone in the barrel knows you and I am not interested in any offer from you," the girl replied coolly as she kept an eye on Inej, who was limping around the corner. 'Just a graze, she'll survive,' (Y/N) noted.
"We could use someone like you in the Dregs. You'd have a room, always enough food and the protection of the Dregs," Kaz continued undeterred.
"What makes you think I need anyone's protection?" she asked; looking from her dagger to Kaz.
"It is only a matter of time before Rollin misses his boys here and finds out that the girl, they were supposed to bring to him, is still walking merrily through the barrel. You messed with the Dime Lions. You are good, I admit, but you can hardly take on a whole gang alone. We can help you."
"Oh, and you do that out of the utmost charity? Hardly likely. What do you want in return?" (Y/N) asked him.
"You work for me. As I said, your talents come handy in certain jobs."
She gave him an unfathomable look. Kaz couldn't read any of her thoughts on her face. But when she lowered the sword, Kaz dared to hope he had convinced her.
"I'll think about it," she finally replied and left the alley.
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