Becoming Riley

As of August of 2014 I finally came out to the world as a Trans-man.. This blog is a documentation of my transition from female to male. T-date: January 13, 2015Top surgery date: May 13, 2015

[rileyjayden]

3 years post op, my life is so different and so amazing!

[rileyjayden]

[rileyjayden]

Today I paid off my top surgery! It took 2 years of busting my ass to get this done! I'm so glad to have that weight lifted!

[rileylivefree]

Tardis upgrades!

So my amazing dad, Brian, put together this awesome frame/bed platform for me! This will make traveling so much more comfortable for me and the dogs! 

This was my car before the additions after I had taken the back seats out:

Then my dad built up the base frame:

Added the rear platform door:

Then the forward door:

Now I have a solid amount of storage underneath my bed! (It will be much better packed when I actually leave..)

The dogs love it too!

[rileyjayden]

Check out my new blog y'all!!

[rileyjayden]

Long overdue update

I am just over a year post-op. It has been an insane year full of changes. To be perfectly honest it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. It has been amazing connecting more with my body. I feel better about my body than I did pre-op. I feel more confidence about my body. But I’ve had some heartbreak in the last year. It’s really shaken me more than I initially thought it had. It’s significantly altered my ability to let my guard down. The times I have let it down, it’s burned me. I’m scared beyond reason of letting anyone else in because quite frankly I don’t have the energy to go through another heartbreak.

I got my period this last week. It threw my emotional state way off balance. For one my hormones have been all over the place for the last few months. I switched to androgel instead of injections for my testosterone. It’s a daily prescription and I am absolutely horrible at remembering to do it. Hence my current period status. It’s horrible. I don’t remember periods sucking this much. The cramps.. are the worst. I have been a huge emotional mess. My anxiety has been unbearable. Like full on panic attacks right when I wake up. A sobbing, hot mess. 

I’m overthinking things more than usual. Everything seems worse than it actually is. And the worst part is that I am fully aware that I’m overthinking and that things aren’t as bad as I think. I know this is fact. But I can’t stop the way my body is reacting to my situation. And then throw in the dysphoria and I’m totally fucked.

I have this amazing and beautiful friend in my life. And I’m so overemotional about everything right now that I’m scared of losing her or fucking up whatever this is that we have. And it’s to the point where I’m reading into every little thing thinking I’ve pushed her away past the point of return because my anxiety is just so bad. I know I need to go see someone about this, and I intend to next week. I need to get this anxiety under control.

I need to get back to my life. I need to get back to smashing the goals I have set for myself and I need to stop holding myself back. I need to get back to being a good person again and caring about everyone around me again. I’ve been in my own little anxiety bubble and it’s time to get out.

[rileyjayden]

Better Man (James Morrison Cover)

Cover

I’ve worked really hard to find my range after my voice changed from testosterone. I think I’m finally mastering it and I am really proud of this song.

[rileyjayden]

[rileyjayden]

Experimenting with different genres..

[rileyjayden]

Just stood out in the rain for a few minutes. Got drenched. Feel better. #pouring rain

[rileyjayden]

[rileyjayden]

1 year difference #ftm

[rileyjayden]

It's my 28th year of life, and first year of truly living

That's right! I've been on testosterone for a whole year! Crazy how quickly life changes. I've been through quite the emotional roller coaster over this past twelve months. I've mostly overcome my fear of needles. I do all of my own shots with minor hesitation. My body has gone through so many changes. I've had my top surgery. I'm getting into much better shape. My facial hair is thicker. I turned into a hairy beast. My voice is so deep. AND I GREW 2 INCHES! I've experienced some of the most intense joy, at a level I've never experienced before. I am living authentically and it feels so good. Later I am going to add some photos from the last year to see changes. I can't do it from my phone so it may be a day or two. I can't wait for another year of changes!

[rileyjayden]

Styled the beard differently and wore eyeliner to an event. I must say, I rocked it.

[rileyjayden]

I asked him what he had to do to become a man.

I asked him what he had to do to become a man. He stumbled over words like hunting and fishing, of becoming a man through stereotypical rights of passage. He doesn't know how easy he has it. He doesn't know how privileged he is to be born a man. As I explain to this man at the insurance company that I desperately need them to cover my surgeries, my hormones, my countless doctors visits, I can't help but think I'm not being heard. So I asked him the question and listened to his response before telling him what it has been like for me to become a man. I told him of growing up as a girl. Of spending my adult life as a woman. Being treated as less than a man fighting for every opportunity and fighting to be seen as equal. I told him of raises I was never offered and women who wouldn't think to date me. I told him of feeling trapped, of clawing my way out of depression over and over again just to end up back in that pit. I told him of the agony of trying to tell everyone I love that the physical representation of myself is not who I am inside. The fear of losing everyone I care about if I do tell them and the fear of losing myself if I don't tell them. I told him of the fight to get my testosterone and the fight to get over my fear of injections. I told him of my weekly battle to feed my body the drug it desperately craves to become the man that I know myself to be. I told him of the daily battle of being misgendered, when she and her feel like daggers. I told him of the war I took on to be able to have a surgery to remove my chest to make me feel whole. I told him of the Trans murders, of the Trans suicides, spewing statistics like second nature because we all read the articles and feel a personal loss. I told him that could have been me. It almost was. I told him what it's like living as a Trans person knowing that I have it easier than most because I pass almost effortlessly. I told him that my journey to becoming a man has been met with roadblocks at every turn. The endless battles I have fought in this war to be myself. I told him I'm not asking for much. I just need the same health care as any other person. He told me he's sorry there's nothing he can do for me.

[rileyjayden]

Shameless selfie

[rileyjayden]

#shamelessselfie

[rileyjayden]

Totally didn’t even know I was in this video!

[vfxcub]

How did you not know? They didn’t tell you what they were doing with the footage?

[rileyjayden]

I thought they just did the Caitlyn Jenner one