Rinan

[rinan]

Fortune Teller

I am mentally comparing 

the pictures we took yesterday

to the pictures we will take 

decades from now

[rinan]

Either you or lunch

My stomach is in knots

just thinking

about you being

in the same state.

I don’t even know when I’ll see you

but it’s the proximity

that makes me quake.

Our whole lives are written in sand right now,

we can’t go around counting chickens.

Still, as the plot thickens, 

you can hear my pulse quicken.

But that could be some jalapenos I ate. 

[rinan]

Heckin technology

Once

I get off my phone

I

Will make dinner

And paint.

Be productive,

Be creative,

Be all the things

I want.

Get my work done,

Get my feels out,

Live life fully

Irl.

I just have

To

Put my phone down

-oh, shit, you replied to my text! Omg. Okay cool, I'll just reply and...

[rinan]

“I grow love for myself and I am satisfied”

I get lost 

in

writing love

letters

to other

people

than myself.

Creating fictions,

lovely pictures,

memories 

of future selves.

But when I notice

that they’re made up

and again, I’ve lost my ground,

I begin

to feel lonely,

heartbroken, blue, and down.

Starshine, I

can call myself

sweet and uplifting things.

Starlight, I

can give myself

all the love that I could need.

Dearest, I

have all the power,

all the grace, and all the care

as happens next

when I am with you,

our love not needed, is freely shared.

A love unchained,

a love not desperate,

a love untethered,

love volunteered 

is born in one 

without intention

but to love 

who grew it there.

[antinat]

Vol. 1

[rinan]

Philosopher Queen

How do you tell your mother

“I am my own god”

when that which helps you sleep at night

is keeping her awake?

How do you tell a lover

of your own omniscience

“I know your every line of sight,

each breath and where it went.”

Or do you sit upon your throne 

with quiet steady power

philosopher queen

the great beholder

and wrestle the unknown

[bepeu-deactivated20171202]

me: *can’t take a selfie* me: mercury is in retrograde

[fractured-fairytail-deactivated]

[flyngdream]

[rinan]

OL of My Love

Sleep, friend, and enter

the world of peaceful dreams.

Sleep, darling, and wander

about its glistening streets.

With coffee shops and cozy inns

fresh mist on the cobblestone

Red scarfs adorn each stranger's neck

every smile feels like home.

Books are piled everywhere.

Friendly voices call your name.

The night circus welcomes you

to take part in our magic games.

I wish I could grant you fairytales

I wish I could keep you safe.

I wish that you were home with me

and that they could take your place.

Persephone, when you return

flowers bloom, we all rejoice.

Persephone, for me, return

I long to hear your voice.

And when you're back, the sun will shine

and birds will sing their song

and I will cry my happy tears

And dance with you all night long.

But close your eyes and go to sleep

For now, you need your rest

Waltz around your dreamland

I wish you all the best.

Know that you are safe and sound

Not a thing can hurt you here.

I'll surround you with my warmth and love.

Sleep well, sleep sound, my dear.

[rinan]

Soul Dust

When you told me 

"We are the stuff of stars"

you never said how much it'd hurt.

Burning through the atmosphere,

I land crashing each morning as I open my eyes,

Forgetting my celestial home

as I begin the day

A foreigner

A visitor.

I look and sound the same.

How can my heart beat so far away?

left in a hope chest

lost in an attic

far beyond the galactic sea

of space

of time.

And with my heart so far

I put my hand upon my chest,

protecting that which beats in its place,

A map to guide me home.

A map of stars lingers in my every breath

The names of one million galaxies clutter my mind

trip me as I step.

I bask in sunny rays 

oh let me never see the night 

for I long for her too deeply.

But like an addict, I'm back again

longing to gaze once more.

My sweet perfection

devastating beauty

breathtaking home.

True home.

And as dreams crash into me like waves

as mother spins the night to day

as wing on wind does soar away

so I too long for the night.

Oh

If I could find my heart

surely it would break.

My star map, lying there instead

flutters quietly in empty space

with no breeze to be felt

and no current to be heard.

What lovely torture I suffer!

eyes flitting

lip trembling

neck bent

I lift my soul into the heavens.

And she returns to me

each morning

burning through the atmosphere

leaving stardust in my eyes.

[rinan]

In Justice

Injustice Not my forte When white girl types on hand held device “Rise up!” “Take action!” And my actions are static Seated and yawning.

Injustice My voice carries and has nothing to say Her words drip with passion and fact But are blown away.

.

Two feet, three feet high

The children look you in the eye

and ask you what's going on.

But how do you respond?

Violence and injustice.

My back bends while her back breaks 

we both bleed red, but not on the media's stage.

Crayola on a dirty page

when color was just 

robin's egg blue and forest green.

Now I'm shouting out questions

"What does this mean??"

I'm not in danger, 

that's undeniable fact

but how do I get my fellows to act?

Share, like, retweet, click click click

"You won't believe" "Guess what's trending!"

It's all clickbait, I'm sick.

I've got homework and heartwork

Lord knows it's all hardwork

emotionally constipated

conspiracy, it's all related.

The hate rises

it bubbles and boils

And I'm stuck toiling away.

People are dying and loved ones are crying and it feels like things will never be the same.

But how?

Let me shout!

Let me fight!

No more crying at night

for the girl ripped apart

by a system so "smart".

Assaulted, raped, punished.

Black, man, shot.

The innocence

the innocents 

our innocence is dying.

And we don't notice until it's too late.

Fates hang on a click

a life for a like.

We're all philanthropists, rich on seconds of thought, given away with one left click.

Type type type

Fingers fly on letters furious

Knees by caffeine bounce up and down

but I am static.

I am static.

I do nothing.

.

Injustice.

.

Injustice.

How can I help? 

[gravitationalbeauty]

NGC 7822 in Cepheus

[galactic-castle]

[rinan]

Saturday Mornings

Cartoons on a Saturday morning.

I remember trying to make bread in the microwave.

Flour, milk, salt.

In a cereal bowl.

And it'd turn hard as a rock but I gnawed at it anyway and tossed it out before my parents came back from their errands.

My mom made me a nightgown from big scraps when I was little.

I remember it most by the time it only went down to my knees

but the soft yellow fabric always felt nice on my skin.

A lot of fabric made me anxious.

Clothes shopping was difficult for everyone involved and Mom and I both knew that if I had to try on clothes, there was a 90% chance of a tantrum on the way home.

But Saturday morning with my worn nightgown with its soft yellow fabric at the bottom and flowers at the top.

Saturday morning in a cool house with the fan going and me

lounging on the couch-bed with its old, smooth purple sheets.

Saturday morning with the nice-feeling things

with my homemade rock bread

with cartoons on the TV and the dogs outside

with Sister still asleep.

I always liked Saturday morning.

[rinan]

It has a happy ending

At night when I was little

before I fell asleep

sometimes I would pretend

to do surgery on myself.

I would draw lines

around the pooch of my stomach

and with my scalpel-finger 

or my hand-scissors,

I would snip 

cut 

snip 

along my little lines.

Then I would pull the skin back

and reach

in.

I would grab handfuls of my fat

and I would throw them away.

I would reach far under my skin

all around my torso

to my little armpit squishies

and the soft tufts of skin bunched up by pantie lines

and I would fling them away.

Off the bed, they went!

Across the room, they went!

And I would take my little 

imaginary needle

with its imaginary thread

and I would stitch myself back up.

.

One night,

when I had snipped

and cut

and taken out all the fat,

I did something different.

I put it all back.

I put the fat back 

and I molded it back into the shapes it had taken before.

I put it back and I sewed it shut

and I held my teddy bear tight.

I didn't want to throw myself away

anymore.

[rinan]

The morning

It is the night, the light 

seeping through the cracks in the heavy curtain

keeping me awake when I'm alone

but never bothering me when my back

is on your chest.

It is the hair on your shins

that I feel with the backs of my calves

and when I stretch my back and my body

my tippy toes reach the tops of your feet.

It is the way you let me hold your head

muss your hair. 

The way you think it looks better down

when you are so so terribly wrong.

It is you making the bed when you don't even live there

...technically.

It is waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs 

every time

so I can stand on the second-to-last step

and give you a kiss.

It is nap time and sexy time and cuddle time.

It is conversations you don't remember because you were really asleep

but that don't matter because all I did was tell you to stop snoring

each time.

It is crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

It is teamwork.

It is accidentally knocking my real tooth on your fake one.

It is forehead kisses and back scratches and exploring your face with my fingertips.

It is "Sorry I bite so hard." // No you're not. // "No, not really."

Even though I kind of am. 

It is getting excited and kicking around or getting excited and attacking your face with kisses.

It is "Don't get too excited" whispered in your ear and // I already am. // whispered back.

It is how your hand finds mine and how mine finds yours.

It is you not understanding that I do not care when they are sweaty. I promise it does not bother me.

It is waking up and cuddling for another hour because fuck the day.

It is skin sticking together under the covers.

It is "Do you want to sleep in clothes tonight?" to let you know I'd rather feel you than cotton any night.

It is breakfast and always going back for cereal.

It is walking around the same pillar as to not bring bad luck.

It is making you hold still while I put in my contacts.

It is two minutes turning into two hours

though I promise I don't plan that

like 80% of the time.

It is the awkward closed kiss in the morning

because God forbid I witness a

tiny taste of your morning breath

and me

giving you water to help

even though it doesn't bother me.

It is me rushing you off to breakfast because morning makes me hungryyyy and because breakfast is for winners and I am indeed a winner.

It is the kiss in the elevator that makes me

a little dizzy on our way back up to my room.

It is the way I always watch you leave

and always get that last kiss.

It is the way you look in the cracks of the 11am sunlight.

It is the morning.

It is AM.

And it is you.