It’d been three weeks since Tadashi’s death. Honey cried most of the time. Fred moped around, barely saying a word since the burial. Wasabi cleaned obsessively as if it’d bring Tadashi back if it were done enough. And GoGo . . . for a long time, she told herself to remain strong for her friends. God, she’d wanted to cry so many times, but she refused to. Her friends would always tell her it was okay to do so and that she was free to grieve. But she wouldn’t listen. Instead, she’d constantly scold and tell them that Tadashi would want them to be happy and move on with their lives whenever they were down. Her voice was full of confidence and conviction, but all she got were sad looks in return. After a while, she wasn’t sure if it was them she was trying to convince, or herself.
Soon enough, she stopped comforting everyone and tried forgetting everything instead. She tried forgetting the fact that a small part of her expected him to still walk into the lab in the mornings, that he wouldn’t be there to hold her anymore, he’d never tease her again, never say her name.
In fact, she was hurting so much, she did anything to try and forget him. Just for a second. She went to parties she never imagined going to and got high on whatever she could. She kissed and got numbers from guys whose names and faces she wouldn’t remember the next day. Honey, with a heavy heart, threatened to kick her out when she brought home some drunk dude who started yelling song lyrics to a heavy metal cover of some pop song.
“Where did you go?” Honey asked sternly, her arms crossed over her chest as she tried hard to keep her inner Latina in.
Leiko fell on the couch and gripped her dark hair. “Stop screaming. You’re giving me a headache.” She grabbed the beer the singing man left and took a swig from it.
“Maybe if you’d stopped drinking, everything wouldn’t be so loud.” The blonde sat next to her. GoGo rolled her eyes. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“I’m not doing anything.” She took another gulp.
“Seriously, Leiko, stop it.”
GoGo glared at her for a few seconds. Then she sighed and set the bottle back down on the coffee table. “Whatever.” She took her phone out of her pocket and started tapping the screen furiously.
“Deleting and blocking numbers,” she muttered. She then put a piece of gum in her mouth and began popping bubbles every ten seconds.
“Fourteen pervs. New record,” she replied before Honey could finish her question.
“Why do you get their numbers if you’re gonna delete them?”
Leiko smirked a bit. “One: it’s fun leading them on. Two: it’s not like they’re gonna remember me in the morning and vice versa.”
Honey sighed. “Why are you doing this to yourself, GoGo?” She asked again.
“Mm, what is it I’m doing exactly?” She looked up from her phone.
“Ah, this.” She waved her hand in a circle.
“You just gestured to all of me.”
“Exactly! You’ve been getting high, having one night stands with guys that aren’t good for you, you get drunk almost every night and ride your motorcycle anyway. God, are you trying to kill yourself?!” GoGo clenched her fist and looked away. Honey’s eyes widened. “Oh, come on, Leiko. You know Tadashi would want—”
“Tadashi’s dead, Aiko!” GoGo growled, standing abruptly. “It doesn’t matter what he would’ve wanted, or said, or done. He’s dead and there’s nothing we can do about it.” When she spoke the last sentence, she sounded angry. But she also sounded like the realisation was hitting her for the first time.
Honey sighed and shook her head. “Look, GoGo—where are you going?”
“Out,” the Korean girl replied as she walked to the door, stumbling a bit.
“What? No! You’re still drunk!” Aiko stood and went after her.
“This little converation sobered me up, so don’t worry.” Then she smiled while turning to face Honey. “I promise I’m not going out for a ride. Just need fresh air to clear my mind.” With that, she was already out of the door, leaving a slightly baffled Honey Lemon standing in the middle of the entrance.
Of course, Leiko lied. She got her motorcycle—not forgetting the helmet—and went out for a ride, not caring how reckless it was. She prayed the speed would put her now raging mind at ease and that it would some how get rid of the smothering depression hanging over her head. Instead, the things she tried to forget started coming back to her. She urged her bike to go faster, faster, faster. But with each second that passed, more thoughts and memories she’d pushed to the back of her head returned. No, she couldn’t let this happen. She needed them to go away. She kept tugging the right handle back to gain more speed, making her bike go faster than it had ever gone before. GoGo could hear him now, his laugh, the way he said the words “I love you”. She remembered that he wasn't going to be there for her anymore even after he promised he would.
"I'll always be here for you, Leiko."
Faster, faster, faster, . . . faster.
She hit a crack in the road and she was sent flying, landing a few feet away from her motorcycle. Leiko didn’t realise what had happened for a moment since it happened in less than a second. She was lying flat on her back, her body was aching all over, and she wasn’t sure if she’d broken something. At some point, she stopped caring about the intense ache, sat up, and threw her helmet on the ground while she cursed loudly, her head leaning against the cold concrete.
That’s when she broke down. Not from the physical pain, but from the emotional one. She now knew she couldn’t have him back. Nothing would ever bring him back. And so she cried and cried. Until her breath hitched and there was a sudden pain in her chest. She realised that she had in fact broken a few things and now a raging fire was spreading throughout her body.
There was a shriek and suddenly, she couldn’t breath anymore. Her vision began to blur and darken. There was a lot of comotion around her, but the noises were muffled. A shadow cast over her and asked for her name multiple times while trying to keep her awake.
“Leiko . . . Leiko Tanaka,” she had somehow miraculously replied. Her eyes tiredly examined the crowd around her though she could hardly see anyone. The last thing she saw clearly was Tadashi Hamada standing among the strangers before everything disappeared completely.
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