Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Peter Solarz
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almost home
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Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
roma★
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Today's Document
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Claire Keane
Sade Olutola
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@riverningtyas
Malam ini, 20 Feb 2025, saya menemukan catatan random di google sheet yang ditulis ketika di Leeds pada 23 Juni 2019. Gak inget kenapa menulis di file yang sama yang dipakai untuk ngetrack expenses waktu di Leeds. That one last line didn't surprise me though.
For Ryani
Ry, inget gak sih pertama kali kita in each other presence tuh bukan September 2022 pas di US, tapi Juli. Kita ZOOM meeting sama seluruh YSEALI Professional Fellow fall intake, trus dibagi ke breakout room.
Satu breakout room, aku ketemu kamu, 1 fellow Filipina, dan 1 fellow Singapur. Aku dengar cerita kamu satu kali, dan seperti lumrahnya anak-anak YSEALI yang emang berprestasi, aku kagum doang aja gitu. But that was it; it was predictable that you and the other participants had impressive lists of achievements.
Lalu aku denger kamu bicara sekali lagi, kali ini di main-room ZOOM seangkatan. Kurang lebih kamu cerita tentang how you were honoured to be entrusted as a program director at a relatively young age, how you considered yourself lucky to be one of the fellows, how you worked hard to be where you were.
And then I looked you up on Instagram and read one of your posts about grief. All of a sudden I was like, whoa, your story resonates well with me. We both carry the weight of loss—the ache of missing loved ones. But in vulnerability, we find strength.
Ry, kamu adalah sosok yang orang-orang bilang ‘lights the room you enter’. Tapi lebih dari itu aku sukaaaa sekali sama cara kamu menunjukkan vulnerability kamu. Aku paham banget bahwa willingness kamu untuk jadi vulnerable itu membuat kamu jadi seseorang yang punya great self-awareness dan self-reliance.
Ryani, happy birthday ya!!
On this day, I wish for you a sky full of stars, each one a reminder of the light you bring.
Aku nulis ucapan ini sambil dengerin Joni Mitchell yang saat itu berusia 78 tahun, balik ke panggung untuk pertama kalinya dalam 20 tahun, untuk nyanyi Both Sides Now yang ditulisnya saat dia 23 tahun.
Di lagu ini dia tulis “Well, something's lost, but something's gained in living every day.”
Ry, let’s wear our losses like battle scars. Suatu saat nanti ketika kamu tiba di London, coba puter lagu ini ya.
Happiest birthday once again, Ryani. In every step you take, I am here, celebrating you, following your lead (tolong paham inside joke ini).
NB: Jujur aja dahulu kala, aku punya tradisi nulis selamat ulang tahun untuk teman-teman yang berarti di tumblr sakral ini (sakral karena dibuat sejak aku 18 tahun), tapi udah berhenti sejak beberapa tahun lalu. Kali ini kamu membuat aku kembali menulis di sini, haha makasih Ry!
Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s easy to get caught up in the battles we face. But remember, our strength is not defined by the challenges we encounter, but by the incredible courage we display in rising up each time we fall.
So, let’s take a moment to celebrate the resilience within us all! ✨ No matter what obstacles come our way, we have the power to conquer them with unwavering determination and a positive mindset. Let’s keep pushing forward, knowing that our strength lies not in avoiding difficulties, but in our ability to overcome them 💪
how’s life?
2023 here we go
Success
https://linktr.ee/grantdraws
Grateful for: my little everyday joys. All lined up in a row.
For everything that I have achieved, hadza min fadhli rabbi. This is by the Grace of my Lord.
How are you?
I am centred and focused. In May, I set the hardest boundary I ever set in my life and it was not received well, and since then I have been exhausted. But I am proud of my self and I know one day I will feel ease and I will thank my self for having set that boundary.
How are you? I am 27 and successful.
My joy is ever expanding.
Random thought is a sign of the brain, resting.
Today is the last Friday in April 2021. I am resting and I decided to write my thoughts, which I have a lot right now. I read somewhere that having random thoughts is a sign that your brain is resting. At least I know I am.
It is the 26th Ramadan in my life, probably the 12th Ramadan that I have taken seriously. I have mentioned that Ramadan is my favorite time of the year, but I forgot since when. Ramadan brings this rare energy into my body and soul. It is not like I wouldn't have bad days during Ramadan, I just have this unlimited energy to convince myself that I do not want bad days to affect my mood and so bad mood never lasts more than a couple hours in this holy month. My best Ramadan would still be 2019 where I had to fast 18-19 hours for a month in the UK. I still cherish the moments I prayed at the grand mosque just outside my house. Especially the night when an unknown sweet old lady just greeted me and my friends out of nowhere, and told my friends how I have a beautiful voice when I read the Quran. I didn't even remember she was at the same Quran reciting class I took in the afternoon that day.
On climate activism, I have been following the debate between net-zero or not to net-zero. For as long as I can remember. This was a topic during my master's, and still a topic during my post-school life. I wonder when this would end? Perhaps it would be perfect if world leaders just snap one day and decide they will ban fossil fuel industries. Hopefully before 2025.
I promise my self I would give it my all this year. I would describe my process as, 'doing the best that I can, feeling good while doing it, accepting my flaws, and allowing my self to take risks, to push beyond my limit, while also remembering to take some rests in between'. At 26 years old I have enough knowledge and experience about self-love, and I am proud of it. I acknowledge that this privilege don't happen to all women, which is why I am working to inspire my friends every chance I got, to allow ourselves to move forward.
However, accepting my flaws would not mean I never get upset. I try to validate every emotions, every day. I allow my self to be angry and furious when things go south. I allow my self to be proud and happy at small achievements. I cry as much as I laugh, because I pay attention to things, and especially to my self.
I realise that I have lost some friends due to the boundary that I have set. I miss them sometimes, but I am happy now that my needs are being met by setting boundaries. I have let go of friends who had taken my kindness for granted repeatedly. I have let go of friends who did not appreciate my love for the environment. I have let go of friends who repeatedly underestimated women even if I told them not to. I have let go of friends who were obsessed with diet culture and won't shut up even after I showed them fact about the BS and how toxic they were. Tbh, boundaries have helped me focusing my energy to what I love and helped me control how I want to be treated, just as much as I am paying attention to how I treat other people. This journey of setting and respecting boundaries is what makes me realise that emotional intelligent is probably the most important skill in people among other stuffs.
Allowing my self to take risks would mean that I will embrace the challenges, ups and downs, and the uncertainties. But I totally understand that not all risks are worth taken. Especially if I lack evidences.
I have mentioned that I 'discover' meditation last year. It is getting intense. I have subscribed to Insight Timer app to meditate daily. I can tell the difference I felt after having experienced guided meditation on a daily basis. Especially on my ability to focus. Helps with work and study tbh. As my days meditation went on, things only get better.
Work has been ... unbelievably exciting. I constantly learn that I am capable of taking care of things outside of my comfort zone when I pour a little bit of focus + effort + curiosity. I am looking forward to the last quarter of this year where I will be (hopefully, fingers crossed) delivering new, more intense, jobs.
Did I mention that I love Ramadan? More likely than you think.
That's it for today.
30 April 2021.
Here's a photo of me staring at the Sun, oh and the ocean.
It is easy for people to assume anything without knowing the fact. Don't be that people.
Boundaries
Pernah ada yang bilang bahwa real friends bakal menghargai boundaries yang kamu atur sedemikian rupa walau kamu ga menjelaskan detail alasannya. Kemarin waktu ngobrol sama Aish dan Etik, aku dengan cepat menolak sesuatu. Etik bilang aku 'genuine', bukan sombong. Suatu waktu, aku pernah menjelaskan salah satu boundaries-ku ke orang lain karena keadaan memaksa harus dikomunikasikan, tapi orang itu malah bilang aku sombong.
Dulu, aku cukup sering sulit menolak pada hal-hal yang sebenarnya uncomfortable atau aslinya aku tidak mau. Contoh: kalau ada permintaan meeting hari Minggu, aku akan cek jadwalku, dan kalau tidak ada acara aku akan bilang iya, padahal aku tidak suka bekerja di hari Minggu. Contoh lain, kalau ada ajakan undangan ke suatu tempat, aku cenderung merasa bahwa aku akan kehilangan kesempatan berjejaring jika undangan itu aku tolak, atau juga simply bilang iya karena menghindari dianggap sombong.
Setelah aku pelajari bahwa untuk menjadi sukses dan bahagia kita harus punya batasan, sekarang aku bisa bilang dengan jelas ke rekan kerjaku bahwa aku tidak bisa bekerja di hari Minggu kecuali emergencies. Aku bisa menolak undangan akhir pekan jika sedang ingin istirahat. Aku menyadari bahwa kita berhak (dan sudah seharusnya) bilang 'tidak', tanpa merasa tidak nyaman.
Awalnya aku merasa menjaga boundary ini tidak menguntungkan, entah karena aku jadi merasa bersalah, atau karena aku merasa kehilangan 'kesempatan'. Tapi semakin sering aku praktik menjaga boundary, semakin aku merasa aku lebih menghargai diriku sendiri dan orang lain, aku lebih love myself, dan yang tadinya aku pikir aku kehilangan 'kesempatan', justru kesempatan yang lebih aku butuhkan malah datang, karena energiku terpusat untuk hal yang aku suka dan inginkan, bukan ke hal-hal yang aku anggap 'kesempatan', padahal bukan.
Walaupun saat ini boundaries-ku belum sempurna, aku semangat mempraktikannya karena aku sudah bisa merasakan keuntungan dari, kalau kata bukunya Michelle Elman, The Joy of Being Selfish. Aku pun dalam beberapa tahun belakangan ini lebih sadar terhadap boundaries orang lain, dan praktik untuk lebih menghargai boundaries mereka.
Tentu semua ini bukan proses instan. Tapi setiap hari, aku harap semakin banyak orang di sekelilingku yang memahami pentingnya menjaga batasan, supaya semuanya bahagia. Karena boundary tidak sama dengan sombong, tidak sama dengan menarik diri, tidak sama dengan kemana-mana sendiri. Boundaries tidak bertujuan mengontrol orang lain. Boundaries adalah tentang bagaimana kita mengontrol perlakuan orang lain ke kita. Boundaries give you control over how someone treats you. Boundaries itu spesifik, ke orang tertentu, ke kasus tertentu, pada waktu tertentu. Boundaries kita ke teman dekat, bisa berbeda ke teman biasa. Boundaries kita di hari ini, bisa berubah di tahun depan. It's all coming back to ourselves, we control how someone treat us, we let people know how we want to be treated.
Contoh: Kalau kita punya teman akrab yang suka mengeluhkan berat badannya ke kita, tapi kita merasa keluhannya itu bisa membawa negative vibe, dan bertentangan dengan konsep body-positivity yang kita anut, kita bisa set boundaries dengan bilang "maaf ya, aku mengerti itu hak kamu untuk mengeluhkan badan kamu sendiri, tapi tolong jangan keluhkan ke aku karena aku tidak mau terpengaruh negatif dan malah jadi ikut-ikutan meragukan body-positivity. Kalau mau ngomongin hal yang lain, aku bersedia, tapi jangan ngobrol tentang keluhan berat badan ya."
Justru dengan mempunyai, dan saling menghargai boundaries, hubungan kita dengan orang lain menjadi lebih baik. Kalau memang orang lain belum mengerti atau tidak menghargai boundaries kita, you can choose to wait because it indeed takes time, or you can let them go, prioritize your boundaries.
Butuh waktu lama untuk menguasai boundaries. Saat ini, bahkan setelah bertahun-tahun belajar sedikit demi sedikit, aku merasa belum cukup mahir. Bahkan pada hal-hal tertentu, masih ada kesamaran dalam membedakan boundaries dengan sesuatu yang menjadi kewajiban sosial. Tapi kalau terus dilakukan, pasti akan menyenangkan dan memberi energi positif ke kita dan orang sekitar kita.
Sometimes, all it takes is ...
Sometimes all it takes is a cat meme from a stranger in a WhatsApp group you've been ignoring for a while.
Sometimes all it takes is a quick-nap on a Friday afternoon before the ZOOM team meeting.
Sometimes all it takes is a soggy indomie goreng you forgot to rinse because you were watching aesthetic cat videos.
Sometimes all it takes is a random song played by your never-premium Spotify player.
Sometimes all it takes is a stop meditation.
Sometimes all it takes is a 30-minute strength work out.
Sometimes all it takes is a funny typo in a report you've pulled an all-nighter for.
Sometimes all it takes is a sudden chat from one of your mentors asking what you have been doing last year...
to remind you to count your blessings.
to remind you that you're doing something.
to remind you to be present.
Thanking my eyes because they help me see the world. Thanking my legs because they walk me to beautiful places across the globe. Thanking my hands because they let me hug my loved ones. Thanking my brain for the critical thinking. Thanking my lungs because they calm me.
I look at the mirror, and I thank my body, because in it, I am growing.
I am going to give it my all this year.
On resolutions.
وما عند الله باق 🌷
This world is temporary. That’s why I am always hopeful. Pain is temporary, happiness is temporary, that’s why I can always count my blessings. I am grateful for everything that Allah has let me have in this world.
