RobertTaylorSleeps

Writer/Poet RobertTaylorSleeps wherever you do your reading

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Saboteur

I hate that I feel this way.

I hate how every time I see you

I can’t help but smile.

And how every interaction

lingers long past arrival.

I hate that I feel this way.

I hate how every time I think of you

I yearn for something more.

Or I imagine how lucky another would be

to call you a piece of their core.

I hate that I feel this way.

I hate that it feels so perfectly

just beyond my reach.

And how I’m forced to conjure thoughts

of you beside another on the beach.

I hate that I feel this way.

I hate that I want this.

That I am searching for denial.

That deep down I think another

gets to hold your hand all the while.

I hate that I feel this way.

I hate that I want you.

-RTS

[roberttaylorsleeps]

R.A.T

It’s been a bit of time.

Ive fallen out of line.

But I’m not quite

what I used to be.

They haunt me in my dreams.

Like a song a siren sings.

But I’m not quite

what I used to be.

Wishing a farewell

to smiles thrown in wells.

But I’m not quite

what I used to be.

The problem I failed to see

was rotten deep beneath.

But I’m not quite

what I used to be.

I’m not quite a sight to see.

I’m not quite a place to be.

I’m not quite

what I want to be.

-RTS

[roberttaylorsleeps]

My eyes creaked open, stiffened by a harsh light. Raising a hand I shielded myself from the blinding veil, until what was an overwhelming force of white became a digestible view of my surroundings. It was  the park. Or at least it was meant to be. There weren’t any children playing, people walking their dogs, not even birds fluttering between the trees. Only the sound of wind brushing through the surrounding leaves was left to give me company. Something about the unnatural stillness of the normally lively park pressed an uncomfortable force onto my stomach. Gazing around further, I saw a path before me. Quickly glancing around I noticed that all the other walkways were gone. Even the one I stood on currently began at the very place my feet were planted. I followed it. Walking slowly throughout the empty area, like a lost soul finding its way through limbo, my unrest only grew. No matter how hard I tried to look, there was nothing to find. Even the grass was devoid of the crickets and beetles that occasionally ventured up the miniature stalks of grass. Continuing to walk, I lost track of the time that passed. It felt like I was looping throughout the same trees again, and again, but nothing was ever quite the same. Until, after about what felt like twenty minutes, I came across the first bench I’d seen.  There was nothing special about it. It was the same old cold, metallic bench that is usually littered all over the park. But somehow this bench was the only one I’d found. Running my fingertips along it, I realized that it's freezing. Stinging my fingers before eventually I got used to the sensation. I stood for a second, looking around again, and ultimately finding the same amount of nothing that had covered the rest of the park so far. With a sigh, I reluctantly took a seat on the chilly metal. A shiver was sent coursing up my spine. I’d never been able to get comfortable on these things. I lay my head back and closed my eyes, trying to listen. The birds were still absent, there wasn’t any laughter from the children, no barking from the dogs. It was still just the faint sound of branches brushing together. Except, as the symphony of the hallowed nature around me repeated, I noticed a disturbance. There was something else.

Focusing, I tried to hone in on it. My ears weaved throughout the waves of sound around me. The unique thread from the unfamiliar sound becoming more defined every time I manage to recognize it. It dimmed and rose to a rhythm. Following some sort of pattern unlike anything else around me. Akin to some harmonic tune, only it was too far away to identify. And it wasn’t natural. At least I’d never heard something like it alone in a forest before. Which meant that it had to be coming from something, or someone. 

I opened my eyes, resolving to discover the source of the oddity, but found myself immediately blinded. I hadn’t realized I’ve been sitting directly under a clearing in the trees. The sun shining through completely uninhibited. As I adjusted, resting a palm on the bench, I was shocked by the harsh chill of the bench. The green metal was completely devoid of warmth. I caressed the area next to me, taking in the last few moments of prickly cold, before eventually rising to my feet and continuing down the path. As I pressed forward, my eyes continuously scanned ahead of me. Looking for any sign of the unfamiliar thread that only grew stronger with every step.

As the strength of the sound rose, its identity became clear. Someone was humming. It wasn’t very vibrant, carrying a soft undertone that I couldn't quite make out. And another thing was made clear as I got closer. Whatever this path was, it was leading me towards the river in the middle of the park. Something else bothered me too. As I moved closer to the body of water, the air around me grew cold. The temperature had completely changed from earlier when I had sat on the bench. Only the sun was still in the same spot, and the sky remained clear. Though I didn’t give it much thought, despite there being no sign of it stopping, because as I rounded the last bend the source of the humming was finally in my sight. 

On the edge of the river sat a girl. She was kicking her feet above the water, shifting her head back and forth to the tune of whatever melody she had stuck in her head. Her black hair swaying slightly below her shoulders. As I inched closer I noticed something that nearly paralyzed me where I stood. The water below the girl had frozen, and there were puffs of water vapor slowly rising away from her breathing. Chilly breezes flowed from her direction, sending soft chills along my arms and legs. 

As I try to take another step forward the girl suddenly stops humming. She turned around slowly, making some sort of confused sound, but I couldn’t manage to focus on whatever she said. I could feel my face freeze as my eyes locked onto hers. Or at least, what should've been her face. Instead of that, all I could see was a violent dark swirl. I couldn’t make anything else out. It was like she had been completely scribbled over in a black pen. Her head titled as I continued to stare, almost in horror. 

“What’s wrong, Izzy?”

[roberttaylorsleeps]

The Crow

A crow lays broken on the grass. Its wings too battered to fly. Its legs too crippled to stand. It caws, and it caws, and yet the world moves on. Hours filled with unheard cries. Minutes closer to realizing it will die. It couldn't find food in the grass, it couldn't be free on the ground. So as the sun sank lower, and lower, and the dirt grew colder, and colder, it began to sing. Filling the air with whatever harmony it could muster. Hopefully leading any curious passerby towards its soon to be grave. And, by some miracle, it worked. Others flocked to the crow, seeing the pitiful display. And, being unable to bear it, offered help. A few crumbs, a worm, a bug, some even brought water. Everything with the intent of helping the wounded bird heal. So day by day the crow sang. Others came, they helped, they talked, and then inevitably left. The strength it had once lost was returning to its muddied feathers. But it didn't dare fly. It didn't try to walk. For the fear of losing what little it had left was too unbearable to halt. It wouldn't dare fly unless it knew it would soar. So day by day, the crow sang. Others came, they helped, they talked, and then inevitably left. The strength it had once lost had slowly flown into its body once more. And yet the crow still sang. It continued to rest. Still too scared to leave its makeshift nest. It sang. And it sang, and sang. And it sang. It sang until its voice gave out. When it tried to call out or sing, nothing but a raspy whisper could be heard. This wasn't good, this wasn't OK. He needed more. Time. He needed to sing. He NEEDED to sing! The others couldn't hear him! The others couldn't find him! They couldn't help, they couldn't talk, they couldn't even leave. If he couldn't sing.... No.. No. No. Maybe it was fine. It had most of its strength. Its bones had healed with time. But as it stood up, for the first time in weeks, Its legs shook. It was trembling. Staring up at the sky it saw nothing but pain. The pain of remembering the crash that put it there. It fell back to the ground, its legs giving out. It wasn't time yet. It wasn't ready. It wasn't at full strength. Maybe... when its voice came back. Then it could sing. Then it could fly. The crow never sang again. The crow, never left the ground. -RoberTaylorSleeps

[roberttaylorsleeps]

I should post here again

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Fool's Forgiveness

Forgive a fool for daring to leave themself vulnerable, even if for just a moment.

Their sorry they tried to open any doors, Their sorry they tried to let go of the dark. Their sorry that for once they could look past their own scars.

Such a damned fool for believing it would work. Such a damned fool for believing they wouldn't get hurt. They forget they are only allowed to lighten up others days They forget they are only allowed to relieve others pain. They forget they are only allowed to push others forward. Such a damned fool for believing luck had come their way. Such a damned fool for believing there would be brighter days.

So forgive them, for being a fool. For daring to let themselves laugh, at anything but themself. Because the joke, is always on us.

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Heavy Heart

I walk with a heavy heart that cannot tell fast and slow apart. Always ending up falling to hard the moment I'm given any regard.

And now I lay in bed with a pale face, my stomach turning in place, because yet again I jumped the gun. And now I might be left with no one.

It's my fault. It's my fault. Never managing to escape my own head on assault. Crashing into the same walls, rendering everyone else appalled.

I'm always too intense or too shy. I'm always too fast or too slow. So I'll walk with a heavy heart, knowing it's my fault.

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Self Burned

Things don't often take me by surprise, but you, somehow, completely blinded my eyes. Like a sudden blast of light inside a dark and empty tunnel, I couldn't help but think that maybe the end would happen to follow but instead of a happy ending I've been struck by your car, the headlights light fading as I form another scar. At least it's not your fault, I know my flame can not be tamed, And I know that this assault is one that is self made. It's a naive man to lower ones walls early, but for you I thought the rules could bend surely I wouldn't end up with heart strings over tugged, surely I wouldn't end up with my hope battered and shriveling up. But my flame got too hot, and I burned myself right in front of a girl who I'd be lucky If she gave me another shot.

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Tired eyes reveal spoken lies. A simple line, you say “I’m fine.”, without knowing how many days you’ll get bye.

The insurmountable cycle, alive once more. Straining the grip on one’s mind, of which is already poor. The world asks for more, more, more, never checking how much left you have in store.

Nothing left to give. Nothing left to take. A simple conclusion that your heart will always ache. Nothing left to see. Nothing left to do. A simple conclusion, hopefully it’ll end soon.

Tired eyes watch fires die. Killing themselves from within.

Simple lies barely get them bye. An obvious struggle to hide.

Nothing left to give. Nothing left to take.

Maybe…

it was a mistake.

-Robert Taylor (RobertTaylorSleeps)

[roberttaylorsleeps]

The icy grasp of the night stretches itself upon my throat once more. Lifting feet from solid ground, and preventing the creation of any sound.

Is there sound? Is there sound?

Somehow everyone’s unable to see the darkness which flows through azure seas. Somehow everyone’s unable to hear the screaming which echoes through comforting care.

Can you hear? Can you hear?

You cannot see, you cannot hear, for the shadows which hold me you couldn’t bear. A jester who sings a muffled song. A joker who sounds a broken gong.

No creation of any sound. No creation of any sound.

Stitched up mouth with twisted fingers, forced to hold it within, all while it lingers. Bound by a perpetrator who snuffs out flame. Suffocated by the monster that can’t be tamed.

You could never hear. There was no sound. My only fear

is that I will never be found.

-Robert Taylor (RobertTaylorSleeps)

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Third excerpt for my current short story project!

There was clearly little hesitation for her when it came to expression through decoration. After about eight minutes though, I had seen most of what her room had in store. All that was left for me to do now was wait. Naturally wanting to sit down, I felt a calling in my soul from her bed. Just with a brush of my hand I could feel the soft, comforting texture of the blankets. How would anyone be able to resist that? I let myself fall horizontally on the bed, immediately being embraced by fluffy warmth. The sensation was even better than I could have possibly expected. I’d go as far to say it was almost a perfect bliss. But there was one minute imperfection plaguing it. Somewhere on my lower back, a small bump pressed against me. It would’ve been unnoticeable had there been anything else buying for my attention, but now that I was conscious of it there was no forgetting. Sitting up, I probe my hand along the blanket until I find what had disturbed me. Picking it up, it is revealed to be a tiny white disk. 

The warmth of the blankets fades slightly. I prod around, finding three other similar objects. Holding them in my hand it was clear what they were. Looking to her bedside table, I see the source of the tablets. Somehow the orange cylindrical container had failed to capture my attention previously. That wasn’t the case now. I set the tablets by the bottle, letting Stephanie decide to keep them or not. My eyes search for more. Quickly I notice several on the floor next to the bedside, and I add them to the pile. I spend another minute carefully searching the floor until I’m convinced I’d found them all. 

The bed calls me back to rest, and I do not fight it, but my attention doesn't separate from the container and its contents. An eerie feeling of curiosity pressed into my mind. There was no reason for it. No justification. Something about it simply brought back the anxious scratching on the back of my mind that I had felt multiple times earlier. I knew better than to ignore it.

Before my mind was allowed to fully think over my questions, the sound of the bathroom door unlocking broke the silence. Right after, Stephanie came back into the room. I had almost forgotten I was waiting for her. My attention immediately snapped onto her, forcing my curiosity back into my subconscious. 

“I’m ready!” she calls out cheerfully, trying her best to avoid my eyes “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

She had very little to be sorry for. My jaw drops slightly as I fight to keep my composure. She could've taken any amount of time and I would've waited. The end result was something that left my brain unable to form a cognitive thought. Only leaving me able to conjure a single word. Beautiful. What was once a slightly sized hoodie combined with sweatpants, was now a cute off the shoulders light blue sweater and black leggings. A black beanie being added as she snipes it off her desk.

“Having second thoughts?” she chuckles, reminding me that I wasn’t dreaming, and had been staring for a little too long. 

My face gets hot. “No! No! Of course not. You just… look great.” I manage to squeak out. 

It was now her turn to have a flushed face, turning her head away from me as she almost whispers her response. “Thank you…” 

As we sat in silence, I would’ve bet money the room’s temperature had risen at least ten degrees. Neither of us held the ability to look at the other directly, locking us in a moment where all we could hear was our own hearts pounding in our chests. 

Gathering my breath, I make the first move to break the silence. “Well… if you are ready, do you want to head out?” I propose. 

She nods her head in response. 

A quiet laugh escapes my breath as I smile at her. “Ok. I’ll lead the way.”

[roberttaylorsleeps]

What’s your favorite book of all time?

It's hard to choose tbh. A ton of great books I've read before but I think the one book that reallly pulled me in was We Are All That's Left by Carrie Arcos. It takes an uncommon approach in that the book is kinda split into two stories. Some chapters take place in the past following the MC's mother, and some take place in the present. Book tackles a lot of heavy subjects and overall threw me for a spin I wasn't expecting.

[roberttaylorsleeps]

I'm really happy with this idea for a short story i've been working on. It's just a simple, cute romance story, but I want to lace it with some heavier themes. Not sure what I'm going to call it yet but here is another excerpt!

At that moment, an idea graced my mind. I didn’t need to salvage anything. All the pieces of a perfect night had been put into play, with perfect timing. As soon as the thought of it entered my mind I knew I had to commit to it. It was an amazing opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.

Without wasting any time, I gathered myself and left my dorm. I was headed directly for Stephanie's room. As I approached several small doubts formed in my mind. Was this too much? Was there even a chance she’d agree. She might even be asleep. Is it rude to wake her up? I stared at her door, processing all these questions, until the thought of her smile popped back into my head. I had made up my mind.

Fully committing, I hit her door with four quick knocks. A surprised yelp escaped from behind the door as I did. Followed by the sound of frantic shuffles, and quiet muttering I couldn't make out. After a few seconds, the door’s handle twisted. 

“Hello?” Stephanie answered, just barely cracking the door open enough to see out. “Oh.. Cade!?” she questions surprised, opening the door further after recognizing me. 

“Hey Stephanie!” I say, putting on a smile. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but are you busy right now?” 

Her head tilts to one side slightly, and her eyes dart to something in her room before she quickly looks back at me with a pale face. “Uh… no… no, you are fine. I’m not busy right now. What’s up?” She sounded out of breath. 

“Well I was hoping to ask you something.” I answer honestly, taking a breath before continuing. “Would you like to maybe go out to dinner with me? I know it’s late, but I don’t really have anything going on and I think it would be a nice time.” 

As I finish I move my eyes away from hers. Too embarrassed to hold eye contact. But as I wait for a response, dreading the worst response, I am met with nothing but the faint sound of the building's AC. Curious, I look back at her, and what was once a face full of chalk, now was flush with a light pink. Worried, I try to break the silence “Uhh… if not, that’s ok too… I’m alright either wa-”

Before I could finish, she cuts me off. “yes…” she says quietly, but I don’t pick up what she says. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t really hear you-”

“YES!” she blurts out, immediately covering her mouth as her face turns bright red. 

She's adorable.

I can’t help but let a huge grin take over my face. “Sounds good to me!” I replied. “How long do you need to get ready?”

She looks at me for a second, thinking. “I should only need about fifteen minutes, I think.” she answers.

“Works for me!” I say. 

And I was going to leave it at that. Head back to my own dorm, maybe change my outfit and grab a jacket. Who knows really. But a nagging feeling at the back of my head from earlier returned. I didn’t know why it came back, or remember what it was for though. Something my subconscious knew was telling me to try something else. 

“Is it too much to ask if I can wait inside your place?” I manage to spill out, not fully thinking through what I'm saying.  Stephanie looks at me with wide eyes, instantly turning away as her face falls into a deeper blush. Without so much as a peep, she nods her head slowly, stepping away from the door so that I could come in. My heart flutters. I stood motionless, shocked that not only did I just ask that, but that she had agreed. Taking a deep breath, I step into her room. The faint click of the door closing behind me silencing any doubts that this was really happening. 

[roberttaylorsleeps]

Too blinded by my excitement I start blurting out a greeting, “Eyy! About time. I almost thought you were gonna cancel on me Jaaa..cob?”, but I quickly lose any sense of hype as an embarrassing realization washes over me. The person at my door wasn’t Jacob. Instead, I was met with Stephanie. One of the four people who shared this floor of the dorms. Quickly stepping back from the door, she mumbles something indiscernible, tilting her head away at the ground as she did. “Oh.. sorry. I was expecting someone.. Sorry for startling you.” I say, dancing my eyes around her head as I shift from one foot to the other. “No.. It’s ok. Sorry for getting your hopes up..” she replies quietly quietly, refusing to return her gaze in my direction. I opened my mouth in an attempt to dissuade the idea I was disappointed, but I realized the smile that had been plastered brightly on my face had almost completely disappeared. Shaking it from my mind I try to comfort her. “No, no. I’m not disappointed to see you. I just.. Had some plans with some friends, but it’s looking like they are gonna fall through.” “I’m sorry to hear that. That’s sucky of them.” she says with a sincere tone, her head turning back to mine as she does. “It’s whatever really.” I try to reassure her, adding a quiet chuckle to the end of my words. “Not the first or last time it’ll happen.”  Stephanie sits there for a moment, thinking about what I said, leaving us both in an odd silence.  Hoping to escape from the awkwardness hanging between us, I shift topics. “But that’s really no big deal. What did you need again? I don’t think I asked.” Her eyes quickly meet mine with expanded pupils. “Oh! Right, I uh.. Wanted to say happy birthday!” she beams, the life returning to her voice as she does.  I feel my heart skip a beat, and my thoughts come to a full pause. She has been the only person to say that to me today. Not even the friends I made plans with yesterday had seemed to remember. I would have forgotten myself, had I not been anxiously thinking about it. But here Stephanie was now. She didn’t forget.  “Uhh Cade? Are you ok?” she questioned, a hint of concern layered over her words. Snapping back to reality I realize I hadn’t replied, and had instead been sitting in silence staring at her for over ten seconds. “Yea! Sorry.. I’m alright” I affirm her, a smile returning to my face as I do. “I really appreciate it.”  A smile of her own returns the gesture. “Of course!” she chirps. I’d never noticed before this moment, but as we sat smiling at each other it became obvious that she had a really sweet smile. Just the sight of it easily summoned warmth inside me, instilling a strange sense of comfort I wasn’t used to. It was something I wouldn’t mind seeing more of. Not letting the glow on her face fade, she broke the silence I had once again been unknowingly sharing. “Well.. you said you have stuff going on right? I should probably let you go..” she says, shifting on her feet.  An immediate reaction to stop her almost escapes my mouth, but something stops me. In that brief moment I noticed something for the first time. It was her eyes. They were, in almost a complete contrast with the rest of her appearance, seemingly devoid of any light. In any other context it wouldn’t have caught my attention, but the odd blemish on an otherwise convincing display of joy alarmed senses somewhere within me.  But before I was able to grasp heads or tails over the discrepancy, she quickly gave her goodbye and made for her dorm, black hair flowing behind her as she sped away. I barely managed to choke out a goodbye of my own before she had opened her door. 

[roberttaylorsleeps]

I just played a short game that was cute and sad. I am sad now.

Cons: Sad :(

Pros: killer new short story idea inspired by it that I will be passionately writing for the next week.

I see this as an absolute win!

[roberttaylorsleeps]

The silhouette of a woman glowed before me, a soft blue filling in the empty sketch of her body. Silky hair flowed down below her shoulders, with her blank face only reaching the height of my chest. Even lacking details, I knew it was her. “Charlotte?” I asked, disbelief coating my words as the urge to breakdown already surged behind my eyes. “Yes, sweetie. It’s me.” she answers. The sound of her soft voice sent ripples throughout my body. My eyes grew wide, and any attempts to form a cognitive sentence crumbled into confused stutters. Before I manage to pull myself together she approaches me, wrapping her arms around my torso enveloping me in a warm hug. “It’s ok.” She reassures me. “I’m here.” Those four simple words dissolved any attempt to hold myself together. In only a few moments there were already cold streams flowing down my cheek. “I thought.. I had lost you.” I babbled, barely managing to speak with my quivering voice. “I thought.. You were-” “Shhhhh” she whispered, putting a finger on my lips. “You don’t have to worry, I’m here.” Her words instantly silenced all of the questions in my mind. With no reason to hold myself back, I fully crumble into her grasp. Letting her hold me as cold streams turned into flowing rivers, and I let myself go.

[roberttaylorsleeps]

You don’t have to worry, I’ll be gone soon. Too afraid to let your feelings speak, so instead I’m sent chasing mirages and hidden treasures that were never there. Fortunately, or not, it depends who you ask, I’ve done enough searching to realize the treasures you alluded to were never there. But I came back anyway. Hoping that you’d finally choose to be  at least partially transparent. A foolish gambit for sure, but I’ve already spent many moons as your fool. However, even this fool gets tired of the games. So I’ll be gone soon. I hate that, in the end the joke was on me, and I still worry about hurting you regardless.

Because I’ll be gone soon, and this time, I’m not coming back.

-Robert Taylor (RobertTaylorSleeps)