beginnings, endings and in between things - in Valpo de nuevo
I will no longer start sentences with “This is the last time I…” because if there’s anything graduating college feels like, it’s uncertainty. I don’t know what I want to do with my life or where I want to do it, and I can’t envision any kind of long-term plans. For the past year or so I’ve left this blog in a shadowy, cobwebby corner with the ghosties and goblins and my collection of bodysuits but it’s time to bring it back to life. Last Tuesday I transitioned gently from an NJ fall to a Chilean spring. More uncertainty follows - I don’t know what I’ll do here. I hope to find a part-time job, accomplish something meaningful (intentionally left that as vague as possible), travel, improve my Spanish, make friends… It’s five months of unbudgeted time during which I’m not tied down to a home or job. In March, I’ll go to Buenos Aires for a Fulbright English Teaching Assistantship and spend the duration of 2014 there. How can I describe how this feels? It’s like the two doors of my ribcage have swung open and exposed my vitals to the raw wind and dirt and energy of the world. It’s a shock to the system and it’s a lot of gasping for air, but it is incredibly freeing.
This departure comes four months after I graduated from Oberlin and moved back home. I hadn’t spent that long at my parents’ house in NJ since graduating from high school. But I blew through most of my savings account during my junior year abroad in Chile and needed to make some money before heading back to South America. Living at home was at once a wonderful and terrible thing for me - I spent lots of time hanging out with my family, had no survival-related worries whatsoever, carpooled to work (all 4 of us for most of the summer), cuddled with my dog, enjoyed the benefits of a family gym membership and awesome zumba classes, and had absolutely no social life. Needless to say, I got comfortable. Certainly a little restless (and very sober), but comfortable.
My pre-Fulbright trip lacks specific goals or plans, but it feels inevitable. I’ve been drawn to Latin America year after year to travel, study and conocer. Majoring in Hispanic Studies only led to more interest, particularly in Chile, Argentina and Mexico (at Oberlin there’s a clear focus on those most “relevant” and similar-to-us parts of Latin America). After studying abroad in Chile in 2012, I wrote my honors thesis about the ways that Pinochet’s dictatorship (1973-1990) continues to affect culture and artistic expression in modern Chile. I’ve become more and more invested in this part of the world and that very personal investment has become a fundamental part of how I identify myself. As I said, being here feels inevitable – it’s the way that I’ve found to challenge myself and open myself to different people and ways of life.
I took my first solo trip to Mexico as a freshman in college, and it’s possible that my sense of independence is all tied up in Latin America and the experiences I’ve had and hope to have here. I bumbled through social situations and public transportation with my beginner’s Spanish, got lost, found my bearings, utilized the word “sí” as often as possible (while remaining quite friendly with “no” as well), felt scared, empowered and energized. My improvement in Spanish is a tangible measure of that independence. Four years after my first Mexico trip, I’ve made it past the hurdles of expressing my personality and sense of humor in another language and culture, a language learner’s #1 point of frustration (and potential cause of identity crises, ie “…am I a different person in Spanish?!?!”). I’m less afraid of asking questions and am ready to tease out misunderstandings. Even my psychology degree (ugh) has been useful in reminding me to be careful about attributing people's behavior to their character instead of to the situation or cultural context (see FAE). Of course there’s still MUCH more ground to cover and I’m excited for the challenge and so thankful for the opportunity.
I may even blog about it........!
dededos
blakekathryn
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
andulkaphoto
