dead

what's the point

[roguegonerogue]

not me on my way to make my 7th social media account just to feel something

[roguegonerogue]

worship the sweet boy with rosy cheeks

nothing but anguish his heart leaks

wants to take you to hell with a wink and a smile

so you dressed in white and started down the aisle

wilted flowers and bubbling champagne

twas just a party to celebrate the pain

mother held tight as she said goodbye

it was time to start a new lie

but prepared she was to love dearest mine

oh poor sweet boy if only he knew

she was leading him to the abyss

very soon

[roguegonerogue]

unreal

some days i feel that i’m not quite real, that i’m not really here. there’s an emptiness, some sort of hollow echo rippling through my bones, i don’t feel anchored to reality or even to my own body. there’s a strong urge to get away, break away completely, disappear into myself until; until what i don’t know -  i guess i’m waiting for some event to take place, something which revives the color, gives me a jolt, a significant change. nothing’s going to happen though, it’ll still be me, my thoughts and the feral black cat sweating under afternoon suns 3 weeks from now.

[roguegonerogue]

some feelings//

i felt yesterday -

1. sitting next to an open window with the spray of the first rains on your face

2. breathing in the cold smell of new air conditioned cars

3. the sudden quiet of being under bridges when it rains and thunders above

4. foggy mountains and faraway pinpricks of warm homes

5. singing in the car as we sped down the highway

6. making up with a best friend - anxiety rolling off my chest

[roguegonerogue]

a series of unfortunate events

every morning is a bad morning, i break 2 eggs and rub chilli in my eye, i open my phone and read 5 lies, i peel a rotten mango and shower in luke warm water, i have runny pancake batter.

[roguegonerogue]

i’ll be your stable boy. i’ll bring you your favorite horse and we, brimming with sleepy excitement, will have some early morning romance, our breath mingling with the mist. we’ll share hot chocolate that you stole from the cook before i help you onto your horse and watch you ride into the cold, still thinking about how our fingertips touched.

[roguegonerogue]

idk how i feel about crying on the phone every day without the other person finding out

[roguegonerogue]

anger

punching the wall till it bleeds, bruising your knuckles till they're numb, screaming till your throat is raw and your voice is hoarse, slapping your face and legs and head till your whole body stings but it's still not enough.

digging your nails into your palms till crescent pools of blood quiver and threaten to run down your arms. your lips cracked from biting down so hard making the skin of your teeth faintly red with blood.

locking yourself up in your room and silently screaming screaming screaming till your eyes burn with tears and your nose is streaming and you let out a strangled sob. you're gripping your hair and clenching your teeth and you can't seem to breathe or think or see.

slamming doors, kicking furniture, throwing your favorite possessions around. slashing at your thighs with the paper cutter lying on your desk, scratching your stomach with the cute nails you put yesterday morning, feeling like your head will explode and stain the walls.

[roguegonerogue]

seems i only come here to cry/rant

[roguegonerogue]

what do you do when you have bent over backwards for someone trying to make them feel okay even when the unokay is the tiniest pin of unokayness but when you're asking for help and silently begging begging for them to be there all they can say is sorry i dont feel like doing that, i dont feel like being there. you try not to cry (how can you when your sister is sitting 2ft away) as you vent by writing a post noone is even going to see.

[roguegonerogue]

war

empty churches filled with sin; battlefields raging with prayers. a half filled wine glass washed down the drain in the expensive restaurant on 25th street; blood trickling down a face streaked with dirt and sweat into the sands of war. screams of frustration heard by the little girl tensed up by the door; hugs filled with pain stolen as they crouched in trenches. a mother watching another boy being lead up to her 16 year old daughters room; shaking with grief looking at a dusty polaroid of family left behind. moving through time together but being lifetimes apart.

[roguegonerogue]

i want to sit in my garden on the grass i weed myself right next to the small vegetable patch where i pick my tomatoes and dig up my radishes and put them in my folded apron and head inside to where the bread i baked is rising in the oven which i take out with the gloves i knitted sitting on the windowsill on sunday morning smelling in the scent of lilies,rosemary and fleur-de-lis, i would pick one which i’d put between the pages of the book i would read by candlelight and i would get up the next day with the birds to walk down cobblestone roads. i want to smell comfort and breathe in air so fresh it wakes up every cell in my body. i simply want simple happiness.